pni and thoughts

[francoise]

hi girls

Its 2.30am , been in bed for a few hours but couldnt sleep atall , kept on trying to but my mind is so busy tonight , i keep thinking of life and death and regrets .
One of my main regrets in life is not killing my dad with a knife when i was really young , i have dreamt about it but i wish i had really done it , im not saying im hung up on the subject , i think i didnt ge tthat much rubbish in my head over it but maybe i did and i dont know what it is , anyway thats one of my regrets , there are so many others aswell .
some of them are being horrible to people , i wish i hadnt now and some of my regrets are being nice to people which crapped on me after . its wierd isnt it life .i hated pni but its brought something to my mind that wasnt there before and that is examining my behaviour and my thought process and why i do what i do and why i care about certain things , i hate the para noia though , of course i do and the death thoughts , the physical stuff did my head in .
i thought i was better but im not , im as mad as a hatter , not mad like i was before but mad in the way i deal with things now , its a strange time for us with pni , i find no answer , just waiting and waiting for things to improve , they have i know in lots of ways but
i still think constantly about everything and strange things , im not depressed but its like i missed something very important about life and appreciation and its now that im finding out what it is but i have to make sense of it , i have an inner strength that i never knew i had but lots of weaknesses that have showed up which i must of ignored for so long and didnt even thinkabout them , i buried my head in the sand and tried to be a normal person when all the time i was a fake , now im being me , since the baby this is me and warts and all , the pni is painful and heartbreaking , i sound so positive and yes i am because i get alot of support but take that away and im nothing without it ,
i have relied on you all and my nurse and my h,v to lead me to peace of mind which is happening but cant be finished with until i understand the my feelings towards others and be a genuine person to my friends , its obvious that others are going to think this is just any old chat room and we have a laugh but i think we have bonded on such a high level that we are a supportive family of women that need each other around and we all play our different roles , i could name you all and say what those roles are but everybody knows them , its like veritee , im surprised that she is as considerate as she is considering her past , she should be able to write whatever she likes without question , what rules can you a[pply to women who want to die or think they are going to harm the children they love or think they are going to die from a terrible illness , in those circumstances you do what you have to and say what you ahve to get them through , how can you apply rules to women whoare struggling with depression and a traumatised past ,,its ludicrous to think veitee is under any kind of pressure not to tell her own real life story to the women that care so deeply about her and who are desperate to support the woman that has maybe saved their lives , i know i wouldnt be living in this house now if it wasnt for this forum , who knows where i would be and in what state , amybe i would of gone over the edge , i suspect i would of ,.
I was very very easily influenced by the girls on this site when i first came on , its simple anough reason why , its because i wasnt used to such care and compassion and people who actually wanted to listen to ME of all people , i couldnt get over it , so i thought well if they are bothering about me then the least i could do in a respectful way is to listen to them with an open mind which i did and it helped me so much , so quickly to , i love the girls on here and i must endeavour to keep showing them my gratitude and support them for how ever long i can .
i do mess about and i do get soppy , lots of that on here , some of you are so funny which is the best laugh sometimes , some of you are serious upto a point and thats so handy at the right times which it always is without fail.
i started this thread to talk about my thoughts and i end up talking about how much i care about the girls here which in a way is my thoughts too.

anyway its the middle of the night and i now feel like i maybe able to sleep , thanks for reading this ,

love francoise

[wendabell]

oh francoise,
so sorry i wasnt here for you babe,
Now your not mad honest,we all have our ups and down.We all love you for who you are,a strong,caring funny,loving mum who is beating the crap out of this illness and has achieved so much recently.Who has a fantastic family whos children reflect your nature and personality.
Be yourself you wont scare anyone,we all are there for you just as you are for us.
Hoping you slept with little nightmares
love to you x.x.x

[scrumpy]

Well said Wendy.
Fran don't beat yourself up, you have nothing to feel bad about. With your past it's not surprising that you have these thoughts about your dad, you should not feel guilty about that. it was something you had no control over. he is the one that should feel guilty.
You are not mad, you are funny,and caring and loving, and you will beat this illness. We all care about you a lot on here, so keep ranting to us as much as you want to, we will always listen.
Take care Hun, hope you managed to get some sleep.
Love Toni

[Veritee]

Dear Fran

Is it OK to call you Fran? I always find myself abbreviating peoples names on here – but I have not checked its OK?

What you wrote was so absolutely moving - or it was to me!

And what can I say - so much of it echoes how I fell about PNI and how I feel about the forum it could have been me.

I found what you said personally very supportive and I am sorry if this is high jacking your post - but it was affirming to what I am trying to do.

The first this I thing you are saying through the despair about the horrible thoughts can be in many ways positive - is that while PNI is a horrible thing and you wish you had never had it - as I guess we all do - it has brought another dimension to your life which I guess is about self exploration - making sense of your world and what it is for you and not how you think people expect it to be! And trying to live your life honestly – true to who you are?

Well this is how I read what you said.

I found something similar happened to me and I found the best way through was by all means think of what you need to and try to make sense of the past - but see it also as a positive thing, that you may come out of this being able to be who you are and live your life as you are - am I making sense.

Please don’t concentrate on blame yours or others - I do not mean strive to be an angel and without anger or irritation or negativity. If you are angry or upset by what you did or have done or what anyone else did or has done then you have every right to feel and express this, but blame is different - you or someone else can be responsible for bits of any situation, but no one is really to blame in total - certainly not you.

I know this is hard, but what is gone, we can not change it but can live differently in the future, the past is gone and we are not to blame when we are just trying to live and survive and you do not have weaknesses any more than anyone else - you are just a unique person with all the wondrous permutations and feelings and opposites that we are all made up of if you dig beneath the surface.

We are all very complex and so is everyone else and it is never as simple than one person being to blame for any one interaction and in every human contact their are hundreds of interactions going on at once

Most people don’t want to dig below the surface or maybe don't need to. Things are then much simpler.

I was like this once!

It is this that I think is the main legacy left from suffering any mental/emotional illness or turmoil such as PNI.

Things can never be that simple again unless you go into denial - and you are left with this ability or need to examine both yours and others behavours/motivationswhich is both a blessing and a curse.

I handled it by working with people where the ability to do this was a much needed skill and a bonus.

The trouble is though that if you do not monitor it you can do it to a degree that it hurts you, this is my experience

- with every issue in my own life I find myself doing this when there is no one else to bounce back off - as there is when you work with people within a structured team or within a charity etc - you need others who are in their with you in order to get things in perspective - so it is hard to work things out.
-
So I do not recommend this as it is this that causes me emotional pain even when I am well as now. I guess we both have to learn to keep it simple when necessary?

Perhaps we can work on a way through this together?

Do1n't worry about relying on people - you need them now and they are happy to do it. One day you will have others who will rely on you and actually as nothing is as simple as one person only taking and one only giving you do now have people relying on you also - your children, your husband, your friends, us on here.

I have a Buddhist friend who always says to me - what comes around goes around.
I think he’s right!

As to the forum - what you said is exactly how I feel about it.
For women/people in such need as I was of understanding and a place to say the un - sayable - like I had/ have thoughts I will kill my child

- are their any rules really that can be applied to this as long as we listen and are compassionate and do not judge?

If this forum or another service doing the same thing had existed or I could have found a way to help it exist - I would not have had to run it.

But there was nothing and I still do not think there is even now.
I do very much respect the APNI that has been mentioned a lot recently, but they run a different kind of service.

This is very personal, very mutual support, self support, not counsellors and counselee -even by recovered women as their counsellors are.

There is room for both approaches - what one needs is not always what another needs I just think it is a problem when this forum is thought to be something it is not and what it is not understood.

I know I am perhaps not the most together person and I make mistakes - but I run it and will continue to as long as it is useful to someone and I am able to.
I don’t think this has saved anyone’s life - in a way I would hate anything like this to have that much influence and women should seek professional help also - but I think it has relieved a lot of pain - including my own

Thank you so much for your words

All the best

Veritee

[Veritee]

Sorry Fran I had to add.

I am sure this will not help you but I also had feelings I wanted to kill my dad at one time. He was truly horrendous a psychological bully and this kind of abuse is hard to explain or prove -

You also must have had your reasons for feeling like this - children do not feel like this about their parent unless they feel there is no other solution to the pain being caused?


If you want to tell us about your reasons – I am listening.

- In my case I was comforted by the fact I was not alone - what I wanted to do was short lived and mild to what my brothers felt.

One felt it right up to adulthood to the degree that he could not visit him for fear he would actually do it - right into his late 20s. He came to terms with it when he had his one children and Granddad was at least allowed to meet his grandchildren – but under strict supervision.

My older brother has similar feelings. I think caused by the absolute impotence we all felt to protect ourselves, our mothers – two separate ones – and also our dad from himself.

Neither brother has every been diagnosed with any mental illness and my older brother is a very successful man in the IT world – on paper I think it is true to say he is close to a millionaire with all the property he owns and the business.

Theirs was an understandable reaction to a very real and painful threat.

All the best

Veritee

[lisa1234]

Fran,

There are so many people in this world that hide behind a mask and pretend to be something they are not. I did this for years and only within the last couple of years have I truly tried to be myself. You are so brave for doing this, it is incredibly tough to do. When you hide behind a mask no-one can hurt you because if they don't like you it doesn't matter because it's not you they don't like it is the mask. When you are yourself it is harder because you lie yourself open. I know this Fran because I have done it. And you know what I've found .... people like the real me. This was a real shock to me. And the ones that don't I guess aren't worth bothering about.

I have found being myself so hard but it really is so worthwhile. You are very brave and for the record I like you - you are great. You're not mad - you're a lovely sensitive and kind person.

Love u loads
Lisa xxxx

[wendabell]

so true

[francoise]

thankyou all so much
it was sureal last night , very tired today but i slept ok after i wrote it .

you are the experts in pni , we all are , i think thats a definite fact ,

you couldnt get this kind of support if you paid , im going to write abit on this thread later , at the moment everybody is in and out and i cant get more than five minutes peace at a time and i have so much to say to , i will catch up on it , i love talking about these things , thankyou again ...love fran

[susie]

Hi Fran,

I just wanted to say that I agree with what the others have said, especially Lisa, its only in the last year I would say that I have learnt to be myself, I spent a long time doing what I thought people wanted and being what I thought people wanted me to be, now I try hard to please myself ( but not in a selfish way, I just try to put me further up the list, if you know what I mean, I was usually last!) I too had and still have many regrets and things that I wish I had or hadnt done, including the time I missed out on when my son was a baby but I am learning slowly that you cant change the past, you cant change what you wish you had done and there isnt much point in wishing that you can, I know its easier said than done. I reached a point with my counselling where I knew we had taken it all as far as we could and I had to do the rest myself, I had to work out for myself how I was going to come to terms with things and move on. I remember reading on the positive recovery thread a message I think from wileykit, who said that she had found out that a few of the friends she thought were good turned out to be great, that was how I felt too, I let myself trust them and they were fantastic, one or two let me down but thats their loss. I think its so true what you said about policing this site, you cant have set rules that would work for everyone, we all need to hear different things at different times and what would comfort one person might make another run a mile. anyway I hope you get some sleep tonight,

take care

Susie
x

[francoise]

hi girls , thankyou al so much

im still pondering over this , its a big deal this is , its important stuff eh , got to explain it right , thats why i always take ages over answering posts on these particular subjects , you know jennies one , it takes me ages sometimes , i have to ponder while i do me housework and stuff and then come back to it. im going on again xxxxxxxxxxxxxx