Intrusive thoughts

[havalina]

Sorry for being thick but when all of you use the term intrusive (dreaded) thoughts I was just wondering what you mean't? I have had and have what from reading here I recognise as intrusive thoughts. When I had dd a few weeks after I was waiting for a train when a woman jumped in front of it, coincidentally I also clicked on an image on the internet by mistake of a man who had jumped in front of a train. Unsurprisingly I became a bit obssessed and used to have intrusive thoughts of pushing the pram in front of a train and have panic attacks when forced to use them. Although at the time I didn't realise I had pni I also used to have thoughts of punching my daughter in the face for some reason. With ds I also have thoughts of punching him, throwing him across the room and hitting his head on the corner of the table etc

What I don't understand is, these thoughts feel alien, they just pop up in my head unbidden, and unlike a lot of people thet don't really bother me because I know they are just wierd thoughts and images and I would (hopefully) never carry them out. But I have other thoughts, at the moment i really want to commit suicide, and other thoughts for example that everyone is looking at me, judging me, laughing at me. These thoughts don't feel intrusive they feel like mine like me, I don't really know what I mean now, but is there a difference, are all bad thoughts a symptom of the illness or are some just reality? you?
Don't mind if noone replies as I've confused my bloody self now
Thanks
Jo

[sare]

Hi Jo,

I think that all bad/weird thoughts are a symptom of the illness and are different for everyone.

If you look through the posts here you will see that they are very common and different for everyone and they can be very scary.

HTH,
Sare
xx

[jennyd]

hi havalina! I can totally relate to what you are saying, as I have experienced similar thoughts and feelings. For me, they are the most distressing aspect of PNI. By intrusive thoughts we mean that they are unwanted, and they appear randomly in our heads/thought processes. It sounds like the incident you witnessed (how horrendous, BTW) acted like a sort of trigger for your thoughts. Hope you start to feel better soon, although it is difficult I know. xx

[amummy]

Hello, I can relate to what you have described also. The violence of some of the imagery that comes into my head terrifies me. I understand also what you mean about them being put there, feeling alien, whilst others still feel like they come from you and these are the more paranoid ones about what people are thinking.
From reading it seems they are common symptoms which helps put things into perspective.

[babyblue]

Hi, just to say these unbidden thoughts that pop up out of nowhere can go away, I seem to have mine fairly under control now by using distraction and meds. I too really wanted to commit suicide about a fortnight ago but this felt like more of a compulsion, something I just had to do rather than intrusive thoughts. I agree that they really are the most unpleasant part of this thing, all mine were about my daughter dying (which she hasn't). Hope this makes you feel less alone
babyblue xxx

[sally77]

i'm so glad my doctor told me about this website, I don't feel quite so alone anymore. I've been having horrible thoughts since the birth of my daughter 6 months ago, they're especially bad at nighttime as I'm trying to get to sleep. I keep picture tripping down the stairs and squashing my baby, I feel my entire body tense up. I also keep imagining my Mum in law kidnapping her or crashing the car, these thoughts are so bad that I've started drinking a lot just so I can get to sleep. My doc said I must be a good Mum since I actually care and feel anxious, I know what she means but I want to feel normal again and enjoy my baby while she's tiny

[cheshire]

Hi Sally,

Welcome to the sitex

I'm glad you find it helps you not to feel so alone - awful that we all meet like this - but yes, I felt the same sense of relief too when I first visited the site, as I really did not understand what was wrong at first.

I think dreaded thoughts unfortunately are very common - and mine were similar to yours in that it involved me doing something unintentionally/ accidentally to my baby (and at my worst my brain was telling me this really would happen as I was no longer in control - it didn't though, btw).

Night times were definitely the worst time for me esp. re. morbid thoughts and nightmares. This is much better now but at the time, each day and night seemed to drag almost endlessly.

I hope you feel you can use the site in any way that helps - everyone is very supportive and we'd love to hear from you againx

Keep in touch

Hopefulxxx

[cokey]

Hi Havalina

Sorry you had such an awful experience just after your dd was born, no wondered you obsesses about it. I would have too.

The suicide thoughts and harming thoughts seem to be so common amongst us but when we get them they feel so real. The best tip I can give you is if you get a bad thought, come on here and share it. That way we can reassure you its just a thought and it has no value. That works for me, even reading other peoples posts calms me down.

Right now I have a thought about harming my kids that came from reading a mag article (someone else had this one too on here), I know it isn't real but it still feels it and causes anxiety.

At least as a second time sufferer I know it goes.

Take care xxx

Cokey

[twinsmum33]

Hi there!
I can totally relate to your message too.
I definitely feel worse at night time. Hence - posting this at 1.15am!!!
I also have a dreadful fear about my babies hitting their heads etc... I find myself performing (OCD) checking rituals etc.. as I feel if I don't do this something bad is going to happen to them.
I find it hard to watch the news, or reading about anything relating to death, or someone being injured. Somehow it all gets muddled, and random thoughts appear in my head where I very vividly imagine these things happening to my twins.
I'm so infuriated that I feel this way, as my babies are the most precious thing in the world to me.
Take care.
Steph x

[littlelotty]

Hi Havalina

I have just read your thread and can relate to a lot of what you said. I have an 18 month old and didn't get diagnosed with PNI until 5 weeks ago when I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I wanted to end it all and couldn't see things getting any better and that everyone would be better off without me. I can now say that since being on the meds it has really helped and I am starting to feel a bit like the old me so it does get better. I also have those thoughts about your LO and it is really scary. It does get better.

How are things going for you now?

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx