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Post by missness90 on Aug 1, 2014 19:22:30 GMT
I just thought I'd drop by as I have found a book called "Dropping the baby and other scary thoughts. It is very insightful and brings a lot of relief to know that these thoughts are normal and you are not a nut case. I bought it from amazon and it is rather pricey but worth it I think, it's written in the states and I feel they have a lot more understanding of this condition. I don't come on here to often because I feel reading to much on here triggers more bad thoughts for me, but I just wanted to share this in the hope I can help somebody else in someway. Also worth mentioning if it's scary thoughts that are your main symptom might be worth googling postnatal ocd or postpartum ocd which is the American term. Hope this helps Xoxo Read more: pniorguk.proboards.com/thread/8571/relief-scary-intrusive-thoughts#ixzz39AawyjbN
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Post by monica on Aug 3, 2014 8:56:02 GMT
Thanks so much for the link. Helps other suffered hugely. How r u doing?x
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 13:09:24 GMT
Hi everyone, I dont no if i have filled this in right as i am new to these forums, but I am feeling in hell. Im 21 years old & a woman and have just had my first baby. My partner is from turkey and is currently in the army over there. He couldnt be here through my pregnancy and the birth and I miss him very much .For about 6 weeks now, my brain is creating thoughts of me sexually abusing my daughter., she is now 14 weeks old. When im changing her nappy, when im in the bath with her, when im lying cuddling her and it is ruining my life to the point of being serious about concidering suicide. I had a terrible pregnancy, being told my daughter was high risk for disbailtys that may cause her not to life for example condition tri 18, and other disabiltys and also downsyndrome. I went through my full pregnancy not knowing if she was going to be okay or not. I longed so much for a healthy baby girl and i got my wish. I was so happy and enjoying being a new mum. Then it started. A family friend come to our house to meet her, and started telling us the story of how he had been acussed of molesting his daughter, anyway later that day me and my mum continued to talk about things along this line. The next day i had just got out the bath with my daughter and we were lying on my bed, she was on her play mat laughing and giggling away, i started giving her kisses and she was poking her tounge out so i was kissing her with my tounge as well, nothing sexual and harmless. Anyway the next day that was it, the sick disgusting thoughts came. I couldnt stop crying, i stopped eating, when i was going out, i was breaking down in the street and shops uncontrolably crying. I couldnt hold my daughter or anything. I was thinking that it would jist go away as i was saying to myself of corse i dont think like that, shes my daughter and i went through so much to have her. Then i told my mum but not the full story as i was scared she recommened i go to the doctors.. I went to the doctors and told her about my crying and how i felt and she gave me fluxatine.. I didnt tell her about the sick thoughts as i was so scared. I have been on the fluxatine for 3 weeks now. Im alot better with my daughter, but the thoughts are still there and it kills me. Ive told my family who are very surportive and i have told my partner and he has been brilliant. There telling me its an illness and i cant be a peophile because of how much its effecting me and how i never had these thoughts with her before & kids i know. I have a goddaughter and have been in her life since she was a baby and have never ever thought anything like this about her, also im close to my friends daughter who calls me 'aunty' and i have never thought anything like this at all. Ive been around kids all my life and never dreamed of hurting them so im so frightened from these thought. They dont at all arouse me or make me happy, they make me suicidal and gutted im having them. I keep saying no no no but its like my brain wants to tourcher me. I never had thesr thoughts about my daughter for the first 7 weeks of her life and i keep looking at pictures of us from then and crying wanting it to be like rhat again. Everytime i go back to myself my head brings me back down by saying pedophile and things. I dont no how much longer i can go on. I go to turkey and see my partner in 3 weeks and I just want to look forward to me him and my daughter bonding and going back to how things should be. Any advice or help would be marvellous and im extremlly surprised at how many people have been and are going throughy the same. Thankyou so much.
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Post by monica on Oct 6, 2014 13:30:56 GMT
Hello and welcome
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.
This symptom of pni is quite common - women understandably fear talking about this for obvious reasons so well done on talking to your nearest and dearest . I completely agree that you are no paedophile in any shape or form. If u were u would be so distraught about the thoughts. It does seem as if the conversation with ur friend triggered these thoughts. It happened at a time when u were vulnerable - stress through pregnancy , ur husband away. Having a baby truly makes you realise how vulnerable they are too and your protective instinct has gone into overdrive to the point where you think ur going to do these terrible things to ur daughter.
The good news is you will recover from this. Do talk to ur Dr about this . You can be referred for cognitive behavioural therapy which is an excellent technique to help you break these thought patterns. Because your brain has trained itself to think of this when ur child is naked etc so u get upset and think about it - a bit of a vicious circle.Meds too should help although they can take a bit of time to kick in.
Try distraction techniques too - every time a thought pops into ur head flick an elastic band in ur wrist to break the thought; or shout 'stop' aloud or clap . It really can help .
Do keep talking . The ladies here really understandx
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 13:56:27 GMT
Thankyou so much for your reply monica. Im so relieved i have found this forum. Im currently going crazy with the thoughts. I just want to go back to enjoying my little girl. I have never looked or thought about a child in this way. Im just a normal girl with family and friends. Im frightned to talk to my doctor for the reasons of , one they will take my baby away and two what they will think of me. Ive been reading up on pedophiles and dont seem to fit the 'critera'. Whenever i have seen on the news this people doing these things it always made me sick and even before i had my daughter. Like i said these thoughts were never there before so surely if they were true, i would have thought about them through my pregnancy, and for the first weeks of her life before this? Its like there constently there and everytime i try to get rid of them they bounce back. It really is hell. Sorry for going on alot, its just ive never been through this before and im really not in a good place. I love my partner very much and have always been atracted to men so this is another thing that confuses me when it comes to these sick things with my daughter. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. Sorry again for going on
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Post by monica on Oct 6, 2014 15:43:07 GMT
The thoughts are torturous - obsessional thoughts whatever the subject are a very common symptom of pni. Mine were about illness and dying and they were on my mind 24/7 - it's exhausting and terrifying.
It's very easy to fall into a pattern of thinking about them so u have to relearn to break this cycle. It's hard but you will do it. With support and guidance it will make it easier.
It's obviously a fear your child will be taken from you by social services. They only do this in extreme circumstances if the child is at risk of harm. You have a happy healthy baby and there is zero chance of you doing anything to harm her.
Perhaps read some of the other ladies' experiences ? Out trustee wanttogetoverthis also suffered from thoughts about sexually abusing her child - if u read her posts you'll see she recoveredx
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 16:02:57 GMT
Great to see you got over them monica, sorry to hear you went through that. I think my problem is when im trying to get rid of them its like 'well youve thought them now thats it'. Its breaking my heart. Im finding it very hard to cope with such thoughts. shes such a happy fantastic baby my daughter, and this is ruining my bond with her, i find it hard to even look at her sometimes and then others and just cuddle her and sob. It makes me question the thoughts, i am like this type of person? Awful, it really is. I honestly wish i could sleep and wake up with my head clear of this thoughts so i can move on with my life. I keep needing reasurance that i am not like this as i didnt have thoughts like this with her for the weeks of her life before. Where will i find these posts hun by 'wanttogetoverthis' ? Thanks again
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Post by monica on Oct 6, 2014 16:26:53 GMT
Scroll up from this post - were on page 17 of this thread. Click in previous pages
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 18:03:24 GMT
SORRY FOR LONG ESSAY, NEED TO GET IT ALL PFF MY CHEST ITS MAKING ME CRAZY Have read some of the posts. Im amazed to see how many people have went through the same.. Its so heartbreaking knowing how much pain i am in with it to think that other people suffer it. Some really helpful things in the posts. I just want to go back to how things were before desprately so seeing some recovery posts would be good. I have just been with my littlw girl and changed her nappy feeling a bit more positive when the thoughts come. Its like my brain feeds of things. When i was talking to my dad about it a week or two back, he said 'these people (meaning the monsters that do harm children) think its right & okay, and your sitting here crying so you know its not' this made me feel great. Since then, my brains been saying ' its okay, its not wrong its not harming' when i know it is. My partner said about me being attracted to males not females which made me feel better, then my brain fed from that and started saying how i must be atracted to females. I think when ive been kissing her the way i dis ( not meaning anything sexual at all) thats triggered it. I remember when i was younger, i have a little sister,, 4 years younger, were as close as could ever be, shes my best friend, and we use to go in and out eachothers beds watching films ext, one night we gave eachother a kiss and my brain started saying rude things, i was traumertised, i went to my boyfriend at the time and broke down and told him. He laughed and said how silly i was being and said it was because we were so close and i was very protective of her. And my mind playing tricks. After spending time with him, the thoughts went and i was fine with my sister. I new if i was like that they wouldnt have went and Nothing like that entered my head again and i new how rediculous it was. So since getting these thoughts with my daughter ive been going back to that and saying it must be true because of that??? My goddaughter is 4 and i have new her since she was born, we are extremly close and i have never thought such a thing with her. U have pictures of me and her and keep looking at them thinking surely if i was this way enclined i would be thinking things when i had this picture cuddling her ect ect. I have been around and close to my cousins since they were born and never thought such things. Ive been round friends babys and never thought things. I was sexually abused when i was 16 years old by a man who followed me from a club to a house party. Not extremlly, which i count myself lucky for but he put his hands in places i didnt want and tried to make me preform an act on him and very much upset me . I always said i wouldnt be a victum and didnt tell anyone. I have recently told my mum last year but didnt go into it greatly and my partner i told him when we first got together 2 years ago. I dont no if that will have anything to do with it. My favriote bonding time with my little girl was the bath. She loves being in there with me, i wash and masage her with softwash, let her splash about, sing to her, dry her put her jarmies on and chill with her. I never thought anything like that. Not anymore, since these thoughts, i dread it and i mean DREAD it. I dread changing her nappy, even holding her. I have recently been ringing my partner and having him on skype while we bath... Its been a bit better since doing that. I can even put her lotion on anymore without dread and gutted feeling these thoughts are there. I broke down again to my family 2 days ago sobbing just wanting the thoughts to go away. ( depression is in my family, my mum has suffered for years, auntys, cousins ect ) and i told them that im concidering suicide as i cant take the thoughts no more. No matter all the reassuring of myself my brain stil lfinds a way or torchering me making me think i am like this and want to do these things. I cry thinking about how much me and her dad wanted a healthy little girl and all the plans we had with her and kept thinking 'if im like this why wasent it the first thing i thought of when i found out i was pregnant or having a little girl' i look at pictures of when i gave her her first bath and long to go back to that moment as they wernt there then. I decided when i go back to work i wanted to be a teaching assistant, as i loved kids and never then did i have any thoughts like that then, not in my wildest nightmares. But surely a pedophile would? ... Now i couldnt. When i am out its started saying i want to with other kids. I cant take it anymore as i never thought like this before. I look at my gorgeous little girl and think she will be better without me. Im just desprate for reasurance and advice, although it doesnt seem to stop the thoughts ? i do apologise for the long post, just a younge girl going crazy wanting to enjoy the baby girl she longed for.
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Post by Weeble on Oct 6, 2014 19:57:47 GMT
Hi they are obsessive punishment thoughts the.worse stuff possible but you would never do it :-)
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 20:03:42 GMT
Hi weebel, i have just got out the bath with her, put her nappy on and done her nappy cream and said as i used my finger on her private parts,, i am not like this and dont want to do these things. My brain wants to feed from it i know but im not letting it. Did you read all the post i wrote? Your comments are greatly appreciated.
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Post by monica on Oct 6, 2014 20:10:18 GMT
It will take time to build up confidence as you have lost a lot since the thoughts started. Feeling reassured one minute and full of self doubt is common honestly.
Your brain is like a muscle that needs retraining - you will retrain it and the more u do that the easier it will be to prevent the thoughts .
You are a loving wonderful mum and friend - you would never abuse any child - people do not become abusers overnight! This is pni which was triggered by a conversation about sexual abuse.
Hugs sweetie - get some support - look into cbtx
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Post by Weeble on Oct 6, 2014 20:30:59 GMT
Yes we read everything we can. Just know you are not alone and your experience is far from rare. My thoughts were I would smash my babies head against a wall. They lost their power when someone told me they were punishment thoughts. It's normal for a mother to touch every part of her child if we don't keep them clean down there they would suffer loads
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 20:31:34 GMT
Thanks so much monica. Think the kiss had anything to do with it? Im back at the doctors 23rd if im feeling the same im going to have to tell her everything before its too late. I know i must be doing your heads in, its just feels amazing to write it down amd be reasured by people other than my close ones. I just want to be happy again and a proper family. Thanks soooo much for your comments and for writting back to me i was worried no one would
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Post by Margaret on Oct 6, 2014 20:32:57 GMT
Thanks very much weeble. Oh i feel for you that must have been awful. Hope your okay now
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