steph
Full member
Posts: 87
|
Post by steph on Oct 18, 2009 10:17:48 GMT
Hello, me again! (I'm not sure if I should continue to write on this part of the forum, please let me know if there is a better place for this as it's all new to me). Have had a goodish few days which has been a bit of a lift, am putting it down to the homework I have been given by my councellor etc. Have been able to spend more time with my daughter without feeling so anxious. Am a little concerned this morning though as my irratioanl thinking has taken a bit of a turn. As mentioned before my thoughts have been about worrying about abusing my daughter but yest I asked myself what else would I be frightened off (why I do this to myself I do not know!!) Then a thought popped into my head of "what if I were do do horrific things to my husband?" (who I love so, so dearly and wouldn't dream of doing) which then put horrible images in my head. Although very distressing I was quite suprised at how I managed to kind of dismiss the thoughts as I know I would never ever do it. Just got me really worried as I just don't want to have any horrible irrational thoughts anymore and don't want to start feeling distanced from him too Then this morning I've been having thoughts about my brother which make my skin crawl. Think it's my mind just spinning of one horrible scenario after another. Does this mean that I don't have PNI but that I am just going a bit mad?? I keep trying to tell myself that I am only thinking these strange things because my mind is in nervous/irrational state at the moment but just feel like such a horrible person for even thinking this way - what's wrong with me???
|
|
|
Post by monica on Oct 18, 2009 16:59:39 GMT
Hi
it sounds as if you have been doing brilliantly so don't let this blip make you feel as if you're back to square one. You said yourself you're in a nervous state at the minute so I'm sure this is the cause of your thoughts - they don't necessarily keep to one subject matter either , but in time they do go, especially if you learn techniques to bat them away - this helps hugely. Recovery is rarely an upward curve and blips as horrible as they are, are very much a part of the recovery process.
My thoughts used to largely revolve around illnesses and dying - me at first then this spread to my nearest and dearest - my children, familyetc. If one of my kids had a cold I would blow it out of proportion and think they were seriously ill. I also worreid that my childminder or her family would abuse my children - I had no reason what so ever for these thoughts - it was just I saw potential harm everywhere. My ability to rationalise went out the window completely .
So you are not going mad at all and you are not a horrible person - you are having a blip and all your thoughts are quite normal for PNI.
how are you doing this pm?
Monica
|
|
steph
Full member
Posts: 87
|
Post by steph on Oct 18, 2009 20:38:09 GMT
Thank you Monica, your reassurance really means alot. It's such a relief to know I have somewhere I can vent my worries now if I need to, hopefully a few more positive posts in the future though. I am feeling a bit better this evening, most likely beacause my husband is home I think I am going to try and just think that these are only thoughts I am having and if I try not to give them so much attention hopefully in time they will fade away. Just very hard sometimes especially when I'm not at work as it's escape from this awfull illness as there are lots of distractions (sounds awfull as I want to enjoy the time at home with my family). Have another councelling session tomorrow so that should help me get back on track. Thanks for listening and responding. Stephanie x
|
|
|
Post by kittykatt on Dec 14, 2009 23:29:20 GMT
Can I ask any of you who have had or are having these thoughts that you are a paedophile. Do they ever bother you so much and convince you so much that you could be that person that you can almost convince yourself you are having a physical reaction to the sexual thoughts?
|
|
eve
Full member
Posts: 34
|
Post by eve on Dec 24, 2009 23:55:43 GMT
Hi KittyKatt, I remember reading a thread on this site from a mum who thought she had convinced herself that she felt turned on by these awful thoughts and was frightened by it. When i read that message i was recovering well after a long period of illness after my son was born, i too had experienced these terrifying thoughts of sexual abuse but had never had thoughts/worries of being "turned on" by them. After having my 2nd child - daughter, 14 months ago i became ill again and remembered what that woman had said and almost convinced myself it was happening to me. I have been treated this time for OCD and received CBT to challenge these thoughts. In the early months of this illness i obsessed over the thoughts and imagined that i too was getting turned on by them - i would be aware of feeling tingling all over my body - even in my genitals. This "tingling" feeling i now recognise to be ANXIETY. Of course if somebody worries that they will have a heart attack they will be more "aware" of their chest or even if you think of head lice you begin to feel crawling sensations on your scalp. I spent so much time obsessing/worrying over this supposed physical reaction - now i'm much better i can see it for what it was - the OCD taking hold and inducing extreme anxiety. Hope this helps.
|
|
|
Post by New Mum L on Dec 26, 2009 8:05:21 GMT
Hi all, Im so glad ive found this site, i thought i was completely mad, Im sorry to here you are all suffering but at the same time im glad im not alone with these horrible thoughts, i thought i was the only one to experience this truely awful and scary symptom. I love my Son with all my heart and would never never hurt him. Im really struggling with the guilt it hurts so much and makes me feel physically sick. How do you all deal with this? I think i might have OCD as well as PND which i think is part of the problem. Thanks for listening, love to here from some of you x
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 26, 2009 12:10:51 GMT
Hi New Mum, Welcome to the site - hope you find it helpful xx Unfortunately the symptoms which you describe are common with PNI - but be reassured that you are not alone and many other ladies here have experienced the same. Here for you Hopefulx
|
|
|
Post by kittykatt on Dec 29, 2009 18:51:29 GMT
Thank you so much Hopeful for your reply. The thoughts are hardly there at all now but the memory of having them at the beginning of my post natal depression still haunts me and I'm still so unsure of myself and not quite convinced I am not secretly warped in some way. I still cannot manage to be normal around my baby and feel myself and I'm worried can you ever get over this and having had those thoughts about your own child?
|
|
|
Post by monica on Dec 30, 2009 9:39:22 GMT
Hi Kitty katt
It sounds as if you are really making progress so try to concentrate on the positive - you are really coming on! It takes time though to fully recover - memories of how you felt are still very raw but in time this will heal. You will also become more confident and will trully believe that the thoughts were only part and parcel of this illness and not the real you.
Love
Monica
|
|
|
Post by kittykatt on Jan 21, 2010 14:40:34 GMT
Can I ask. Anyone having these horrific thoughts has anyone found themself going so deep into the thinking that they go right back to their childhood going over and questioning anything they did while growing to an adult that could have happened differently and made them perverted turned them into a pervert/paedophile to see if they have the capability/could have had the capability and this is why they are now having these thoughts about their own child?
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Jan 21, 2010 16:54:45 GMT
Hi Hun
I have not thought exactly like that, but have thought back to my childhood and pre-baby to see if I have had any of the tendancies that I had with PNI before then. Mainly around my anxiety and paranoia.
I know it is not the same, but I do think it is a common theme to look back and try and analyse if this has come from somewhere in the past???
WG x
|
|
|
Post by dollymix on Feb 18, 2010 21:10:52 GMT
I'm relieved to read that these horrible thoughts are a symptom...... I started having these thoughts and was horrified by them, they crept up on me with no warning. I thought i was a paedophile or worse. I worried for days, like another woman who posted, about washing my daughter or even putting a nappy on.
|
|
steph
Full member
Posts: 87
|
Post by steph on Feb 19, 2010 13:15:54 GMT
Hi everyone, I can't beleive I've not posted for 4 months now!! I have been on the up and feeling so much more positive these past few months which has been a godsend. I finished my councelling just before Christmas. I'm still on my meds but feel like I should stay on them untill I feel completely myself again which will take time. I just want to let you ladies know that have posted since me, that I have felt exactly as you have and it does get easier. I still have blips from time to time but that is all part and parcel of recovery.
I think the hardest part is pulling yourself out of the what if's all the time. It's so easy to talk other people out of things when they are anxious or worried but not when it's you that is the worried one, makes you go out of your mind. The past few months I have managed to not let the thoughts effect me as much as they used to and just say whatever, this thought is not important. Strangely though the other night I think I stressed a bit as I have managed to bat the thoughts away more easily now that I panicked that 'what if I think these thoughts are normal as I'm not reacting to them as much and I will want to do these things' but after coming on the website again and reading these posts I have been re assured AGAIN that this is all part of this illness and I will get through this.
Lots of hugs to you all
Steph x x x
|
|
|
Post by monica on Feb 19, 2010 21:45:06 GMT
it's fantastic to hear you've been doing so well! AS you say blips are part of the recovery process but they do get less intense and far easier to manage. I think it's so reassuring for others to hear you doing so well as for others who are suffering as it can feel there's no way out.
Do keep in touch!
Monica
|
|
|
Post by anon79 on Mar 1, 2010 16:29:39 GMT
I read this forum with some relief as have been climbing the walls the past week in particular over this but it has been getting worse since my child was born. In fact worries and anxieties over it began in latter stages of my pregnancy and it was all triggered by the stories in the news about that nursery worker. There was then a woman one morning before I went to work in the news 'commenting' about women who abuse etc etc and for some insane reason I thought I work in education, I am having a child what if she is talking about me? Will people think I am like that because I work with children and am having a baby. I tried to dismiss these thoughts as barmy as they were but they kept coming back with vengeance. What will people think if I change the nappy? What if I take a picture with my mobile phone of my child? Towards the birth they went and during the first couple of weeks after baby was born they were very few and I dismissed them and for a short while they went altogether. I then injured myself requiring weeks of treatment and after that they began to creep in again re changing and bathing what will people think etc...Over time they have got worse and worse. I used to be a police officer and things I've dealt with in that pop into my head, things I've seen on TV in news, documentaries years ago creep in, images and thoughts. It has been happening to the point I am physically sick with it and I mean sick. This past week has been horrendous to the point where I've disclosed to my partner and parents everything because thoughts about self harm have began as well to try and take the thoughts away that I am some pedo. I plucked up the courage to see the gp, one on Friday who sent me away with a questionnaire because he didnt want to label me and the one I'm registered with today who has told me it is anxiety, all in my head only I can do something about it, it is tiredness and fatigue and at the point you start to believe these thoughts then you are in trouble. Well I knew all this already and have been battling with it for so long now that I've gone down there out of sheer desperation. I just got told I am strong and intelligent and it will be hard but I must just rationalise it. Don't you think I've tried? It is just getting worse and worse and mornings are just horrendous and I just cry and cry. I feel selfish because of what this is doing to my family and partner let alone the fact that I should be enjoying every moment of my child who I love so much whilst on maternity leave. Life is far too short but it seems the more I try the worse it gets! I know I am the total opposite of what these thoughts are suggesting but it is driving me absolutely insane. What the hell do I do? The GP is arranging counselling but it seems like medication is totally out of the question and that it is down to me. I know it is, but at the moment it seems like one step forward and five back. I'm not enjoying things like I should be, I dread the next episode (almost like I'm expecting it to happen again therefore question if I want it to which I don't!) and it is all so wrong when this should be the happiest time of my life. I feel so selfish. In the morning when I'm in the depths of this murky awful dark pattern of thinking you just want out. I dread my partner going to work incase the thoughts creep in, I am worrying about worrying about it! I feel like I'm going crazy. Any help or reassurance would be greatly appreciated.
|
|