wanting to hurt my children

[chelle2467]

sometimes i have visions of me really wanting to hurt the children. to "get back at them" for making me like this.

i know it is irrational, but as i have read earlier on the boards, a sufferer does not think rationally. when i was bad last time i just wanted to push my son down the stairs really hard. i even came close to it once or twice, but he was a toddler, an innocent. when i finally told my husband, i was in floods of tears. it was like a great weight had lifted off me.

but now i want to hurt him again because of the illness. not as much as i feel like trying to harm my daughter though. sometimes i feel like just picking up one of my pillows and calmly putting it over her face and holding it down till she stops screaming. god i am such a bad mother. trev doesnt know about that one (my husband) and i dont want him to yet. sometimes i look at my daughter and i can feel a real hatred building up inside. and then it goes away again just as suddenly as it comes on. it is really upsetting. i know part of this is because i never wanted a daughter because i never had a good relationship with my own mother (im not going into it right now) and i really do want to bond with my little girl but everytime i get close i can feel myself being pulled away again. i feel guilty for loving her aswell.

i really hope someone out there is readong this thinking i am going to do something to them cos i really wont. i love them too much as i dont want to hurt eithr of them. please dont think badly of me.

[sianyc]

Chelle

Having thoughts like this doesn't necessarily mean you will follow through with them.

I can remember driving my car and thinking that it would be really easy to drive off the road and that would be the end of that - no kids, no depressed mummy. Problem solved It just used to pop into my head with no warning. I never did it and knew even as I was thinking it that I never would. I just didn't understand where thoughts like that were even coming from.

Now my eldest is 4, she can really drive me bonkers and I can quite often be found in my bathroom, couting to about 5000 to calm down enought to deal with her rationally and without losing the plot.

Anger was a huge part of my PNI and I would frequently be in floods of tears because my temper would get to the point where I just couldn't express it and my reaction has always been to then cry. The thoughts and the rage do pass, it's a question of tryign to find things that help you control it until you start to recover x

[carol]

Hi Chelle, I had the same issues. I never felt like this with my eldest two children, but my third child now 21 months came along very unexpectly, at a time I was looking forward to having my life back. My thoughts were pushing his push chair into traffic, pushing him into a duck pond throwing him out the bedroom window. I know I wouldn't do it but would avoid situations where I had these thoughts. I knew I wouldn't harm him because when I thought he might roll off the sofa, or bang his head, my heart would lunge and I would grab him. These thoughtsts stopped when I started Anti D's. Good luck. Love Carol

[Scarlet]

Hi Chelle,

I was the same, I had terrible intrusive thoughts about knives and water with my LO. I had never experienced anything like this at all with my first son. Like Carol I had a child unexpectedly when my eldest was almost 10, at a time when I thought life had settled down, and then I was thrown back into changing nappies, feeding and sleepless nights again.

i really hope someone out there is readong this thinking i am going to do something to them cos i really wont. i love them too much as i dont want to hurt eithr of them. please dont think badly of me.

We don't think this way hun, so please NEVER be afraid to share anything with us. These are just thoughts and as Veritee has said, 'thoughts are not actions'.. These days I rarely get thoughts like I used to, and I have bonded with my son and love him to bits now, and if I do it's usually just for a fleeting moment...but I don't stress and get anxious about my thoughts like I used to. This will be you as well., so keep talking to us.

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[carol]

I agree with Scarlett, nobody will judge you on this site. If you need to share stuff then do. Head up. Love Carol

[chelle2467]

thankyou for all your lovely words. i saw these replies yesterday but was too upset to reply back. i ended up up in the bathroom with trev sobbing into his sholder covering him in snot, which he was said not to worry about as he was about to get int he bath anyway!!!

i told him about all of this the night before and had a good cry. he said i really need to tell him more things - well actually anything! i said iwasnt keen on telling him as like last time, i was scared he would try and get the kids taken away but i know he never would. i mean after 5 years of crap i know he will be sticking by me for a lot longer. but i did feel like a huge weight was lifted once i told him and i now know i can tell him things. iwas also worried about telling him as i said that he was always working (he works from home) and didnt want to disturb him as i know he has deadlines. but he told me very firmly that family always comes first. i usualy take that to mean the kids but he has told me that covers me too. we are alot closer again and its nicer.

[carol]

I have tears in my eyes Chelle. You have taken such a huge step by telling hubby. We all know whats that is like. Telling the father of your children that you have urges to harm them is probably one of the hardest things to do. Like you I felt awful telling my hubby but he was fantastic and knows that this is the illness. He says I must tell him how I feel. Good times and bad and never never suggested I'm not fit. Instead he tells me how lucky he is to have me in his life. You will come through this honey but it may take a while. Trust hubby he really loves you. Big hugs and pass the tissues Carol xoxoxoxoxox

PS - I drove on the motorway for the first time in years on Sunday. I explained to hubby on Monday that before I wanted to crash the car with us all in and he just shrugged and said Ohh!

[twinsmum33]

Chelle,
I can really empathise with your message.
I had a bad relationship with my mum, and was subjected to mental cruelty (as a result of her own bitterness and depression) from a young age. It really screwed me up.
When I discovered one of my twins was going to be a girl I was so worried that history would repeat itself, and i'd be in some way resentful of her, or not be as close to her as I would with my son (who poses no threat).

Thankfully, thus far - this hasn't happened, and I think she's really wonderful, and feel close to her.

However, I still have awful, intrusive thoughts about both my babies at times, and really hate myself for it.

I'm also going to have to strongly fight any feelings of jealousy or rejection if my daughter turns out to be a "Daddy's girl" when she's older. I think that's going to be the hardest test of all.

All power to you for actually taking the first step towards getting help by posting on here and talking to your husband.

I don't have the courage to tell my partner everything i'm feeling. I think it would be too much for him to handle.
Very best wishes,
Steph.

[lawterry]

I can totally undertand what you mean.Feelings often cross my mind but I know |I'd never do it. My son is almost 11 months old and he has started to scratch and hit out at me in temper and I just think 'you horrible child - you must hate me' and because I'm ill I genuinely believe he hates me but family and friends say he's only a baby but although I know I love him, I feel so upset that he makes me feel this way.

Law x x

[tracy77]

hi chelle
im going through the same thing themore u worry about it the more real it becomes and then u think could i really do it i got to the point 10 weeks ago that i had to get my partner to watch me go to the toilet because i was afraid that i would go into my dughters room and harm i told the doctors everything and im now on ant pychotic drugs to help calm my thoughts down but i thought i must be evil y am i thinking this so please dont think your alone
i relised that night that if my partner had called the team out i would be in hospital and that scares me they asked if i planned to harm my little girl and ill be honest i did that was the worse night of my life but myp artner made me promise not to give up and i didnt every day is hard but this is a great place to be for people like us somewhere where there is support
hope your ok chick xx