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Post by Hopeful on Jul 13, 2010 11:58:04 GMT
Hi Kat, I had thoughts of not wanting to go on and it was at this point that I started the anti ds. They have really helped with the thoughts, hopelessness, self harm and anxiety.
I really don’t get those intense feelings of hopelessness any more – I think I just get bad days like everyone else. Got quite a bit going on in my life that would test anyone, I think!
But my PNI/ intense negative thoughts did go – hang on in there, it does get easier and then better x
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Post by Weeble on Jul 13, 2010 19:44:57 GMT
thanks hopeful, this post was really great to read, I just feel at the moment like they are never going to stop. I dont tell anyone about them unless they ask as I am scared of talking about them for many reasons. I really look forward to the day when they stop.
thanks
Kat
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Post by gizmoracer on Jul 14, 2010 13:53:16 GMT
Hi Kat.
It's the kids that stop me too. When they were small I had several attempts but hubby ended up stopping me without even knowing what was on my mind, he thought he was just stopping me from running away. As they got older and my bond with them strengthened I started to believe that I couldn't leave them behind so my only way out was to take them with me. I actually heard voices telling me to smoother them when I was at my worst (that was horrendously scary as I thought there was someone in the room with me). There was no way I could ever hurt my kids and that stopped me from ending it myself but I began to feel more and more tapped and desperate. My last attempt was a couple of years back, I wrote a note and left, when I got to my usual place I saw flowers and notes to someone who had died (I never read or looked properly) but it was enough to bring me out of my trance just long enough for the police to find me. It was the look on everyones face when they brought me home that I think finally snapped me out of it for good. My parents were there, OH was in a hell of a state as all the police had told him was they had found me but not if I was alive and the kids were there as well. They had been told I'd gone to the shop and got lost coz it was dark so the police had to help me home. They were still quite small but became very protective of me and kept saying not to worry and they would look after me. Since that day I have never concidered suicide again to the extent where I feel I would do it.
Sorry long reply but hope it helped.
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Post by Weeble on Jan 15, 2011 22:57:54 GMT
Girls can't believe I wrote those posts in July and have spent the whole of today wishing I could do it. Will they ever stop. I feel I could walk out the house and do it anytime, because I am so angry and fed up of this ilness. I think I have had only about 15 days since I wrote that post in July when it has not occupied my head.
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Post by Hopeful on Jan 16, 2011 11:36:23 GMT
Hi Kat,
I so feel for you - and sorry to hear that the thoughts are still so intrusive. I found that the thoughts seemed to linger for longer, even once the anxiety symptoms were sorted. They will go, bit I know that whilst they are there, it seems like tim eis moving so slowly.
Big hugs, Hopefulxx
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Post by juppster on Jan 16, 2011 19:54:05 GMT
Hey honey, i know how awful that must seem for you. When i think back to how long i have felt unwell for it scares me, but i have to hold on the to the fact that this can't last forever and it will get better...keep strong mate, think of your boys but please reach out for help if you need it. You deserve to be happy and you will be again x
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Post by Weeble on Jan 16, 2011 22:21:48 GMT
Thanks hopeful the anxiety has gone but the thoughts come with the pain and most stress. Jo, I agree it has been so long for us, but I try so hard not to think that instead to think about the fact that I only started recovery on the 1st jan.
Kat
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Post by winegirl on Jan 17, 2011 21:30:08 GMT
Recovery is a long ball ache of a journey. But you can know that it is there. I NEVER thought I would be in a place where I would actually enjoy life! But here I am, doing the things i do and partying when i can...
The thing is Kat, I dont want to teack grandma how to suck eggs, you know far more than i ever could. All I can do is offer living proof that this does and will get better, and you know in the meantime we are all here for you and listening xx
Love
WG xx
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Post by Weeble on Jan 17, 2011 22:08:33 GMT
Please wine girl I have never mastered sucking eggs, time to teach me lol x
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Post by Weeble on Feb 27, 2011 20:40:17 GMT
Very angry because someone was successful a few days ago on the m3 and I am too much of a chicken.
Kat
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 27, 2011 21:33:56 GMT
You're not too much of a chicken Kat, you're just not a selfish person and you love your family too much to do that.
You also know inside you have an illness and don't really want to do that xxx
You're just having a shit day, they come and they go... Remember yesterday... you're getting better keep fighting.
Lotsalove N xxx
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Post by juppster on Feb 28, 2011 7:58:38 GMT
(((hugs))) mate but believe me you are not a chicken. You know deep inside that you want to stay here to watch your family grow up. As Nat says, think of the good days you've had recently, yesterday was a blip, try to write it off as just that xx
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Post by Weeble on Feb 28, 2011 20:43:30 GMT
Thanks girls. I am grateful that I am alive, I want the pain, humiliation and horror of this to go away, but the umbilical cord is very strong with my boys, they are very very protective. I don't really understand these feelings of anger I get when I hear someone has been successful locally particularly on the M3 although the a322 is my road of choice lolx. Its like an anger or a jealously that someone else is ill enough, that I am a failure. I have to be careful with those thoughts because I can make myself do anything if I really want to. I have been thinking about it, I think it's because of my mum surprise. Might chat to my psychologist about it.
Thank you girls, knowing that you think the brave thing is to keep going is very powerful
Kat
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 28, 2011 21:15:18 GMT
Committing suicide would be proof you had failed not that you had succeeded!
Succeeding is proving you can beat it... that day when you will stand up and say 'I suffered PNI and I fought back, overcame it and I'm now inspiring those who are still suffering that they will beat it too'.
That day will come Kat, you succeed every day you fight against it, you already inspire so many women by battling through what you already have, don't forget that inner strength... You're going to get through this.
N xxx
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