Post by lazytown on Mar 11, 2008 6:08:14 GMT
Hi there, my I have a son who is 4 in April and I have recently been to the docs to see if I am still suffering with pni (was diagnosed when he was 1 week old) but he says no - can anyone read the next bit and see if they agree? - pls be honest.
Just to explain a little - Im 30 and married to Paul and we have been together for 8 long gruelling years (only joking!) and oliver my little rug rat is 4 in April. I always always wanted one little boy and that exactly what I got but towards the end of my pregnancy (which was hell as I had gall stones which never got diagnosed, I was fobbed off with gaviscon) I was not looking forward to having my Oliver - i remember speaking to my hunny about it and just putting it down to nerves etc. As soon as he was born I felt nothing just fread, fear and a feeling of wanting to leg it out of the hospital, I begged paul not to leave me on my own with oli but the nurses insisted he go home. The nurses took him down to the nursery for 2 hours then brought him back because they said that they could do nothing cos he wouldnt stop screaming. When all the visitors came I was just not in the mood but if they tried to pick oliver up I got very irratated and snappy because I didnt want anyone near him - strange.
When we got home it started almost straight away - I did have my moments of crying cos I was so overwhelmed and desperate to hold him but I felt nothing. It was like I was looking after someone elses baby if that makes sense. The thing is I stil feel like that now. My midwife was amazing and got me to the docs after one night i lost it and i thought i was going crazy so they drugged me up to get me to sleep at my mums while paul took oli home - which i hated. This was when oli was a few days old. Like I said I has a ropey upbringing - my mum had pnd and never ever got help for it, she was also a sel harming anorexic/bulimic. I have never had a decent relationship. I thought that when I had oli she would support me which she said she would do, however she changed her mind a few days in and got her boyfriend to send me a text saying i was on my own as she couldnt stand being around me and seeing me in a mess. Social services got involved who said that if i didnt have someone with me at all times they would take oliver off us so paul had to go ont he sick to look after me which cuased us to end up in a huge amount of debt (we have been declared bankrupt now). When Oliver was 4 weeks old I was taken very poorly and had my gall bladder removed which meant I was away from oli which i hated but felt relieved at the same time. Things calmed down and I was referred for art therapy which did nothing but they would not offer me anything else. Im not sure if i still have pnd now:
*I feel dread when I knwo Im going to be on my own with him I know I can cope but I dont look forward to it at all and try to get out of it where possible, i feel better when im around people withhim
*when he kicks off i lose my temper very badly and scream and shout then collapse in tears
* the guilt i feel every day is unbearable for the way i have been with oli and still continue to be
*i have never hurt him i have grabbed his arm and pushed him but not violently - I have a small amount of control left.
* when he starts crying even now the sound pierces my ears and i hate it - I feel anger and thats something i cant understand
* every day i struggle to look him in the eyes and its destroying me
Do you think i still have pnd or just the after effects???
sorry for going on!
Just to explain a little - Im 30 and married to Paul and we have been together for 8 long gruelling years (only joking!) and oliver my little rug rat is 4 in April. I always always wanted one little boy and that exactly what I got but towards the end of my pregnancy (which was hell as I had gall stones which never got diagnosed, I was fobbed off with gaviscon) I was not looking forward to having my Oliver - i remember speaking to my hunny about it and just putting it down to nerves etc. As soon as he was born I felt nothing just fread, fear and a feeling of wanting to leg it out of the hospital, I begged paul not to leave me on my own with oli but the nurses insisted he go home. The nurses took him down to the nursery for 2 hours then brought him back because they said that they could do nothing cos he wouldnt stop screaming. When all the visitors came I was just not in the mood but if they tried to pick oliver up I got very irratated and snappy because I didnt want anyone near him - strange.
When we got home it started almost straight away - I did have my moments of crying cos I was so overwhelmed and desperate to hold him but I felt nothing. It was like I was looking after someone elses baby if that makes sense. The thing is I stil feel like that now. My midwife was amazing and got me to the docs after one night i lost it and i thought i was going crazy so they drugged me up to get me to sleep at my mums while paul took oli home - which i hated. This was when oli was a few days old. Like I said I has a ropey upbringing - my mum had pnd and never ever got help for it, she was also a sel harming anorexic/bulimic. I have never had a decent relationship. I thought that when I had oli she would support me which she said she would do, however she changed her mind a few days in and got her boyfriend to send me a text saying i was on my own as she couldnt stand being around me and seeing me in a mess. Social services got involved who said that if i didnt have someone with me at all times they would take oliver off us so paul had to go ont he sick to look after me which cuased us to end up in a huge amount of debt (we have been declared bankrupt now). When Oliver was 4 weeks old I was taken very poorly and had my gall bladder removed which meant I was away from oli which i hated but felt relieved at the same time. Things calmed down and I was referred for art therapy which did nothing but they would not offer me anything else. Im not sure if i still have pnd now:
*I feel dread when I knwo Im going to be on my own with him I know I can cope but I dont look forward to it at all and try to get out of it where possible, i feel better when im around people withhim
*when he kicks off i lose my temper very badly and scream and shout then collapse in tears
* the guilt i feel every day is unbearable for the way i have been with oli and still continue to be
*i have never hurt him i have grabbed his arm and pushed him but not violently - I have a small amount of control left.
* when he starts crying even now the sound pierces my ears and i hate it - I feel anger and thats something i cant understand
* every day i struggle to look him in the eyes and its destroying me
Do you think i still have pnd or just the after effects???
sorry for going on!