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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 2, 2008 7:45:11 GMT
Morning all, feel so bad today, had a really good day yesterday and I've woken up today in a right state. I've never really felt depressed this time round, just very anxious but I definately feel depressed now, along with feeling very very scared to be on my own with my lo, thoughts of suicide have started creeping in, I know it's just a blip but i'm so scared. The thoughts about harming my baby are terrible but the one thing I've always thought was anybody who does that would have to commit suicide and I don't want to die, I want a happy life with the family I love, but now the suicide thoughts are there, what does that say, I'm so frightened.
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 2, 2008 8:03:45 GMT
Am I going mad, do other people feel like this?
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 2, 2008 8:09:03 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum,
Sorry to hear you are having a crappy day hun. It's a blip and it will pass. The thoughts you are having are your worst fears hun, and you will not act upon them. I had thoughts like you, and thought I would be better of dead because I was never going to get better.. but I did, and you will too. So please try and ride it out as best you can know these are just thoughts and they will go. Is there anything you can do today to distract yourself? Put on the telly, and try and get yourself to the shops or for a walk later today. Do you have any family or friends nearby that you could spend some time with?
We will be here for you if you need to talk, and rest assured that you are not going mad hun..
Hugs
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 2, 2008 8:10:52 GMT
You are NOT going mad, this stupid illness is playing with your head. Do you have any pland today that might help take your mind off it? See you are in the midlands same as me and the weather isnt bad here today, sould you go for a walk or something?
I will pm you with some details that might help...
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 2, 2008 8:21:50 GMT
I'm working today, hubby is at work lo is at nursery and I'm at home (I'm a homeworker), which on the one hand is no bad thing cos I can sit and sob and be myself, but on the other hand is more difficult because there's nobody around to distract me. I couldn't wait to drop Tabitha off at nursery today because I was feeling so odd, think that's what's frightening me - I feel odd. I came home and thought I could take an overdose and nobody would find me because I'm here all day by myself. Can't talk to anyone about it but you guys, wish I could tell my husband but I just don't feel I can, what on earth will he think?
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Post by winegirl on Apr 2, 2008 8:25:48 GMT
Perhaps it is time to think about telling hubby. I didnt want to tell my hubby about what was going on with me either but had no choice in the end as i thought i was going mad. And i am really glad i did as he was very supportive!
Are you likely to see anyome today? I know its easier to be on your own at times like this, and i know i didnt want to see or talk to anyone, but often found that the distraction helped.
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 2, 2008 8:40:46 GMT
I have felt just like you, and I know what you mean about feeling odd. I never really told my hubby about my feelings, as my husband can be quite judgemental, so I tended to keep things to myself and they did pass for me...but it was hard, and I always wish I'd been able to share.
Hang in their Tabbysmum and try and throw yourself into some work if you can, and know we are here for you if you need us. These feelings will pass I promise you.
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 2, 2008 8:57:38 GMT
How you doing?? Sent you a pm. I have just been off to change my LO but am back now for a bit x
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Post by cokey on Apr 2, 2008 8:57:42 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum
I don't know if it will help you but if you read back at my posts, I am having exactly the same thoughts as you. It may be comforting for you to look at all my past posts because it helps me to look back at when I had PNI the first time and I thought I was going to commit suicide thenbut it is just a thought. Like you, last time and this time I want to live but the urge/thought is there and it makes you feel so low. Yesterday I felt like you, so low I started to think I was depressed and I may act on my thoughts.
The one thing I have is my husband, I tell him everything. I always thought he was narrowminded (his family are) but he is always very understanding and just telling him makes so much difference.
You are going to be ok (I have been here before), it feels like hell and as I type I am shaking because just for an hour I am totally alone without kids but its anxiety. My hands are numb and tingling and I feel dizzy and sick BUT I know what it is and it cannot hurt me.
I have a cup of camomile tea and I will be fine. So will you.
Keep coming here because it is a doorway to the most amazing support you will ever have. But tell your husband, even if he doesn't understand at least he knows. He loves you warts and all, so it doesn't matter how he perceives this illness, he will still worry for you. Tell him everything, you need him right now.
What you wrote today could have been excatly my words yesterday.Look at my past pasts from 2004/2005 and you will see I was the same then and I even went on to have another baby.
Sending you the biggest hugs tabbysmum, am thinking of you.
Cokey xx
PM me is you want to talk.
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 2, 2008 9:22:31 GMT
I want to tell my husband, but how can I tell him I have thoughts about hurting his child, he'd be scared to death to leave me with her, what on earth would he think of me?
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Post by winegirl on Apr 2, 2008 9:30:30 GMT
Not necessrily hun. The thing is that you are having the thoughts but you are scared of them. If they didnt bother you then you would need to be worried, but because they frighten you, you would never act on them, you need to tell him this. Could you point him in the direction of this site? Or perhaps have your HV to come round and talk to you both. Are you on your own today or will you be seeing anyone? I found that with PNI the mornings were always the worst and as the day went on things improved, perhaps this may be the same for you too?
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Post by justme31 on Apr 2, 2008 9:31:40 GMT
hi tabbymums sorry that u r feelin bad... but u will get through it. i think in regards to tellin ya husband about the thoughts thats a hard one... i know from personal experience its hard for ppl that havent been through it to understand. do u have any information, leaflets etc about pni... nearly all of these mention the thoughts u r havin... maybe u could show ya hubby these and then explain that its a part of the illness and not something u wana or would ever do. take care claire
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 2, 2008 9:43:55 GMT
I could download some leaflets from the APNI website to show him, that would help, it's just having the courage to take that initial step. When I eventually tell him I may give my HV a ring, I was quite ill when Tabby was only a few weeks old with a severe allergic reaction to some prescription drugs (I have rheumatoid arthritis) and my HV was brilliant, she visited at least once a week for 3 months, I get on really well with her, but feel that makes it harder to confess to her as well, but I do understand that's what she's there for. I agree with WG about the mornings being the worse time - lets just hope by this afternoon I feel like a different person!
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 2, 2008 10:16:39 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum
How are you doing. I totally understand what you are going through - I started a thread on sat as I felt really suicidal again and it comes over so quick and it is like someone is taking over your body and telling you to end it and everything will be better. I have linked this to the time of the month and trust me I found it so hard to talk to my hubby but I am glad when I have - I find it helps to show him what I have written on the forum and he seems to find that easier and then we talk about it.
I hope you are ok and keep talking as it does get better. Also I would phone the HV as I have one come out to see me every other week and that is a good support as they seem to really understand what is going on and offer support.
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 2, 2008 10:35:06 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum
Thats a great idea, get some info on the illness, ask him to read it, then explain you have been feeling this way.
When I told my husband, he said not to worry everyone has those thoughts, they mean nothing. He took me by complete surprise. When I told my dad (after last time not during) he panicked but I am sure if he had some information eh would understand more.
Your husband could always visit this site. I am sure we could start a thread for him to read, where we all introduce ourselves and he can see we are all good , honest, normal women and because of the very type of people we are (good, sensitive and caring) we think out our worst fears.
Its commonly written about but no-one in its history of OCD (the part of this illness that causes the thoughts) has ever acted on their thought, ever!
Tell your HV, its hard but if you have a good one then you are so lucky. Just have one person you tell. Maybe tell her first and she can tell your husband for you?
In the meantime, we are always here, suffering and recovered, we are just a great group of women (and some men) who have a very nasty illness in common.
Be good to yourself.
Cokey xxx
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