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Post by cokey on Apr 9, 2008 8:15:10 GMT
Hi everyone
Just wanted to run these thoughts past you. I am sure they are just intrusive thoughts but I want to see if anyone else has them.
Rather than just urges to harm myself or my kids, I have a thought cycle that puts that thought in my head. I get thinking 'what is then point in life' however I am happy in my life, love life normally and have a great future, so I know the answer but then I think but if I were dead I wouldn't have the lows even if I do get the highs. This leads to me having a suicide obsession and it freaks me out. I feel frightened when I think about it so I guess its OCD. Then last night (and I had this thought last time with PNI) I thought well maybe my kids would be better dead then, what is in this life for them etc etc - now I am even more freaked out. I don't beleive any of this in my heart and I want us all to have a happy rich fulfilled life but I am scared of how my mind is working and now I am wondering if I need further help?
Anyone felt the same way?
Cokey xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 9, 2008 8:53:46 GMT
Hi Hun,
Hi Hun, It's just the intrusive thoughts getting hold of you again. It's constantly analysing everything that leads us up all sorts of paths where we don't want to go but can't seem to stop ourselves. As you've said, you are happy with your lot and have a great future, but once we start analysing it all the "what if's" creep in and then we start freaking out. Like you I love my child to pieces, but it doesn't stop me having the most dreadful thoughts which are so frightening, I know they are just thoughts but they feel so real and it's hard to think about anything else once you're in that mindset. Would you feel better if you saw your doctor or health visitor and off loaded some of this? Even though all of us on here experience these or similiar things, it's always reassuring when a professional tells you it's ok and I do think the more you can talk about it the better it is . When i went through this before I just got bored with going on about it in the end. Your suicide obsession is just that - an obsession, try to let it come and go, it's a thought and can't harm you, remember it's your reaction to the thought and the signifance you have attached to it that's doing the damage. xxx
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Post by Anxious Mum on Apr 9, 2008 8:54:29 GMT
Hi Cokey,
You have responded to my posts before, so thank you! I'm probably not in the best position to advise but I have read SO many posts on here and the general view is that any thought causes anxiety is an irrational thought - I'm seem to get anxious about any thought these days though!
Anyway, I have had the thought too where thinking, well I wouldn't kill myself cos I dont want my child to grow up without a mother or one who would take there own life instead of looking after/caring for them - then this leads to well what if something happened to them, then ofcourse I freak out thinking OMG did I wish for something to happen, then ofcourse I wish for something to happen. Its all mind games with yourself and god only knows why these dreadful thoughts come in, but as everyone says its just anxiety and the trick is to not react - a whole lot easier said than done. I seem to get anxious before I get the bloody thought - I'm anxious ALL the time.
Don't you just wish there was a magic pill to take it all away?! I'm sure there's many more people out there who have similar thoughts who are scared shitless - like me they are probably too scared to write on this site.
Are you on any medication? I am pregnant and currently contemplating on whether to take or not - can't live like this much longer!
Sorry, I probably haven't been much help. xx
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 9, 2008 9:03:12 GMT
Morning Cokey, Yes I'd say 100% these are intrusive thoughts hun. Did you try the 'whatever' technique, or thinking of these thoughts as being a bully and telling them to 'piss off'. I had thoughts like this as well, thought what is the point of life for me and for my kids without a functioning mother, and yes I freaked out as well...because it is not me, I've always been contented and happy with my life and am optimistic in nature... Of course you don't believe any of this in your heart, becasue you are willing yourself to get better, and you want to live hun, but you want quality of life and life with PNI (or anxiety/depression) offers no quality at times. I promise you that the thoughts will go in the end, which you already know... but find it hard to believe when having them . On another note, I was reading something the other day (what's new ) that was saying it's predominantly those with a high IQ that suffer anxiety/depression... and I can see this particularly with PNI in that when you have a baby, it's not very mentally challenging being alone with a baby day in day out, and can lead to periods where you feel your brain is not being stimulated enough, perhaps having had to to give up a demanding job...this can lead to rumination, and that's when anxious thoughts pop in. Anyways that was my thought for today, am off out now to see my sons teacher about his lack of focus in the classroom and other issues. Lovely day hun From Scarlet always analysing life xxxx
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Post by AnxiousMum on Apr 9, 2008 9:08:26 GMT
Hi,
SO sorry - I didn't mean any offence in my last reply in regard to mothers who try to take their own life - I was just explaining MY train of thought and how they spiralled.
Again, so sorry if anyone took offence. xx
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Post by Scarlet not logged on Apr 9, 2008 9:10:45 GMT
Aww Anxiousmum, no offence taken, we know you are writing from your heart hun, so please keep doing so.
Hugs
Scarlet xxxx
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Post by cokey on Apr 9, 2008 9:17:47 GMT
Thanks everyone I am a bit calmer now then first thing. I rang my husband and he reminded me I had the exact same thoughts last time and I was fine. I do think you are right Scarlet in that we aren't always stimulated enough. Perhaps that is an incentive for me to throw myself into something new. Last time I set up my website business which was good or me. Once I got well I realised it was harder work than it was worth, I still do it but I don't take on as much work. I have a second web project I am working on and perhaps I should start work on that to distract my mind. Thanks tabbysmum and anxiousmum for replying when you are suffering too. Its just up and down constantly with this thing isn't it. Yes the magic pill would be great. I remember last time when I had the same thoughts, the GP asked me what I wanted her to do and I said 'out me in a coma until its gone' - she said well I can't do that, you just have to ride the storm I'm afraid. Thanks Scarlet too, you are such a comfort to me with your support because I think you had very similar symptoms to me and the fact you are so recently recovered gives me so much hope. I am sure today is one of those marked 'bad day' and tomorrow will be better again ) Cokey xx
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 9, 2008 10:08:55 GMT
Hi Cokey
How are you feeling at the moment? I get the same thoughts and it comes in waves and it is hard to see anything else or think logically and rational but when I have nomally calmed down I can think what was I thinking!!!
I would buy the magic pill too - will have to invent that! Keep talking though as it helps me to off load and then start the next day - this is a new day lets try and start again! easier said than done though.
What have you got planned for today?
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 9, 2008 10:42:41 GMT
Hi Littlelotty
Thanks for that. How are you doing today?
My mum is coming around in a bit, then this afternoon, me and the kids are going to a mates hosue for the kids to play. Then tonight my hubby is at football in Manchester til midnight, so my mum is going to pop in for a bit.
I hate this bloomin illness, its tricks you.
I am a bit better than earlier but at times it gets so desperate doesn't it.
Hope you are okay xxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 9, 2008 12:47:34 GMT
Hi Cokey
Hope you afternoon goes well with your mum. You are doing brilliantly to battle the thoughts hun, and you know from exerience that they will go eventually. I too start with the analysing thought and thats what spirals into something else too. It stinks and its so draining.
You are doing ace hun!!
WG x
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 10, 2008 7:26:59 GMT
OK since we are analysing life in this thread, and especially life with PNI (or anxiety and depression), thought I'd add a bit more of my thoughts (or ramblings) I think the day we started with anxiety was the day a new preoccupation opened up for us, in that we started living and breathing anxiety and depression and our whole days are spent analysing ourselves, our future, our lives, what ifs, is life worth living... in fact you could say that anxiety and depression has become our passion, and we are obsessed with ways to get rid of it, and we spend hours googling our symptoms, speaking about it..it's dominated our whole life. I think the way to get rid of it fully is to replace this passion with something equally as large, and as soon as possible. This is perhaps one of the reasons why it goes slower for some of us, and can be quick to go for others. The ones that recover sooner have replaced their passion for anxiety and depression and filled the void with something else sooner that's all. They were able to distract themselves fully with something else. For the ones where it lingers, we perhaps learn to distract ourselves by doing household chores, shopping, surfing... but it goes much slower because we have periods of ruminations and this lack of stimulation brings back the thoughts/depression... so the up and down cycle continues, and it's so draining. Trying to replace the void of anxiety and depression with relaxation is not enough, it's got to be something more stimulating and as large as your preoccupation with anxiety and depression. Imagine if you fill 14 hours a day with your own anxiety and depression, well these 14 hours have got to be replaced with some other preoccupation. Even going back to work for some may not be enough for the anxiety and depression to lift, because perhaps the job is mundane and even if it is brain taxing, there are periods in an evening where you can still be prone to rumination. I remember when I was in hospital and the psych asked me what I loved doing, and because I was depressed at the time, I said 'nothing', and I thought he was daft that he kept telling me that I needed to go and do something I liked, all I kept saying to him was 'but I am depressed, how do you expect me to even get the motivation to do such things' but he was right.. I think the key to my own recovery has been trying to help others plus other stuff I have been doing, this is my perhaps my passion, it made me stop looking at my own symptoms.. and eventually my PNI lifeted.. but this is not for everyone, the secret is for YOU to find your own passion, something that you could throw your whole heart and soul into that would distract your every minute and fill the void with, the huge gap that has been filled with anxiety and depression for so long, for you it could be going to the gym, starting a new career, a new hobby (an allotment ), reading books (not depression, anxiety books of course) Sadly for those of us with PNI, it is especially hard because we can't do these things, and follow our passion with young children and so we bide our time and wait until our children are older... but I think this is the reason why PNI is self-limiting, it's because sooner or later we are able to replace this passion for anxiety and depression with something else, albeit a bit slower. Love to hear what everyone else thinks.. I'm sure there are some flaws with this (too simplistic), but these are just my ramblings and I'd love for others to do a bit of analysing as well and see if we can come up with a breakthough ;D
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Post by cokey on Apr 10, 2008 7:40:00 GMT
Scarlet
No, I totally agree with you. I had a complete meltdown last night and my family had to rally round because truly I couldnt take it any more. I slept well actually. Today I feel so sad and almost fed up of fighting. I think that my feelings are really fed up of the thoughts but I am analysing my feelings too much.
Yesteday I didn't have a seconds peace from it until I went on the NEXT directory and bought some clothes. I felt normal for 30 mins.
You are so right what you say and 'that thing' you sent me said the same. Like you said to your psychiatrist, how can I do that if I am depressed and I feel much the same, where do you get the desire to push yourself to get a new passion from? It takes courage. I am however going to give it a try. I have 2 things I can do 1) my new website and b) the garden. I think the garden will suit me best right now because its outdoors. Our garden is so overlooked its untrue and I feel safe there from my thoughts so its a good idea.
I think I will be off here a lot of today because I need to get my mind straight and I have my first counselling session later (so they may section me anyway lol).
Thanks for everyones support, it means so much. It also takes guts to help aomeone else even if you are suffering or receovered.
Thanks
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 10, 2008 8:24:17 GMT
where do you get the desire to push yourself to get a new passion from? It takes courage.This is the difficult part, but once you do it, then it gets easier... remember your 30 mins online shopping For me, I find this site which lovely Sarah (Stevensmummy) recommended to be fab, How to save/make money.... and there are lots of freebies in the Bargain section. forums.moneysavingexpert.com/index.htmlAlso remember that when you start finding another form of distraction don't expect it all to fall into place immediately, it's gonna be hard to not be preoccupied with anxiety and depression at first, and then you are apt to think it's not working, so give up... But know that this is the way of re-training your brain back, you have to stimulate it with something else that interests you. Go find your passion hun, me I'm off to shop...defintely one of my passions . Hugs xxxx
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Post by justme 31 on Apr 10, 2008 8:25:32 GMT
gawd scarlett u r so right. its like the depression and anxiety consumes u ever wakin minute so its all u think about... and it becomes like automatic negative thinkin. i know with me the only thing that helps is doing something that am completely engrossed in and the thoughts go away for a short time.... but and i dont know about anyone else... i find it hard when i try to relax cos the thoughts just come back and then i feel defeated. i think the key is and u have said this to me b4 scarlett and the therapist says too is that u have to retrain ya brain... easier said then done but it can b done. All the time u aint thinkin about the depression/anxiety u r trainin ya brain to get back to a normal way of thinkin. i was sayin earlier to someone that my therapist said comin on here or anywhere lookin for reassurance is not helpful cos it only fuels the anxiety more....... hmm dunno if i agree with that!! hope ya counsellin session goes well cokey and today is better for u. take care all Claire x
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Post by AnxiousMum on Apr 10, 2008 17:27:03 GMT
Scarlet, You are soooooo right and I agree with you 100%. Last time I had depression, I had 2 weeks off work and went straight onto a/d's and the anxiety and depression slowly faded away. This time, however, I thought I could beat it myself which ofcourse I couldn't due to too many stresses in my life. I went on citalopram, which didn't work and then onto setraline, which I was positive was going to be my lifeline, but fell pregnant so had to stop before they had a chance to work - ! This time though I just don't know what I could do . We are in the throws of a possible overseas moves, which has been dragging on for ages and my depressive mood is "whats the point in making an effort if I'll prob move anyway". I'm at a loss - I don't think things on your own is a good idea as gives you too much time to think. I used to swim but this would fuel my overactive mind I think!!!!! Sorry for rambling - just an insight! Maybe a degree in phychology - ha ha! xx
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