self harm

[monica]

Hi

how are things today, Lucie?

Monica

[lucie]

Thanks for asking how i am. I am doing ok, spent the whole week with very sore arms but haven't done it again since the beginning of the week. However as they begin to feel i find myself beginning to feel strange about 'clean arms'. Because i still do not feel right in the head it feels normal to have something wrong with my arms, at least this way i have a physical reminder of the fact i am poorly. Doesn't this make sense?

Since coming out of hospital i did consider getting a tattoo!! This was another way of having a reminder of what i am going through! At the moment instead i have had a dramatic hair colour change and am now plum! At least this way everytime i look in the mirror i know that i am different!

[newwie]

HI
Guys just to let you know you are not alone in this.
I am a self harmer and have been since my daughter was born with cutting but previously i have discovered through councilling that i was a selfharmer previusly in teenager years but it was more like things like banging my head against a door hitting myself, punching myself, getting a door and slammin git into my face things like that but never cutting really.
I am still suffering with this although not as often as i used to use it. The last thing i did was rather bad i must admitt i should of had it stiched maybe as they are quite badly scared. I wish they were not but i have constant daily reminders with the scars on my arms, legs and stomach which are my most popular cutting areas.
I have actually told people when was first diagnosed with pni about the self harm as it scared me alot but noone seems to ask about it now, so obviously cant bother them or they dont think its a big thing?
I always have this one urge to cut of all my stomach and thighs all the fatty areas anyone else thought like that or is it not like that i know i used to and still do no use lying about it use it like a bring back thing like i felt so lost and so desperate i used to use self harm that way but i also use it like i lothe myself that much i use it as a like errm how to explain
like if i cut myself i am as ugly and as dirty as i feel like its like some acceptance for it, if that makes any sense.Like im backing up what my mind says to me .
Anyway sorry if this is to frank just got a bit carried away then
newwie

[lucie]

Thanks for the reply. I can really get with the whole 'body issue'. I never really thought i had a problem before the PNI. I have always worried about what i look like and weight etc, but what woman hasn't. My mum had anorexia when i was growing up so i was always determined not to end up like her.

However since getting the PNI i have started to hate by body. I have no respect for it, i think this is why i take out my mental pain on myself. I feel better when my arms are covered in cuts and are bleeding. I don't care what i do to myself, at least it is on my body. I did have a time when all i wanted to do was hurt my two girls. I thought about cutting them, i feel so guilty for this now that i feel like i have to punish myself.

I have been a lot better at not self harming but in part that is becuase my husband is off sick from work 'looking after me'. This means all the times that i would do it during the day, i can't now as he is around. Instead i have to ride the wave of mental pain and end up having panic attacks. I know that in the long run this is a more healthy way of coping with things but it doesn't mean i don't think about self harm alot of the time.

I find myself getting to the end of the day and hating my body, i often go to bed at night and find myself so uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate the way my mind thinks so it makes sense to hate the physical body as well.

Am aware i am ranting, the more i write the more aware of how much i carry around in my head. I have my first session of CBT since coming out of hospital next week. Hopefully this might help.

[newwie]

HI
thanks for the post reply lucy what you said

I find myself getting to the end of the day and hating my body, i often go to bed at night and find myself so uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate the way my mind thinks so it makes sense to hate the physical body as well.

This is so so true and it has rung so true to me especially the bit "uncomfortable in my own skin" Thats too how i feel very much so.

I wish you look in your cbt therapy and hope all goes well for you and you take to it well im sure you will you seem very strong and you have taken to things like a duck to water. You seem to have so much fight in you. Good on you girl.

I wonder how we get from this stage of hating the body our bodies to accepting it and learning to love yourself for who you are?

Biggy that one eh i wonder what the answer is....

Newwie

[newwie]

Hi
Lucy hows this going at the min.
I must admitt mine isnt doing to well as discovering loads of stuff at the min and brought things to the front that i find hard to cope with.
Hope you are doing ok though.
Newwie

[Asiya]

Hi Lucie, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so awful. I'm not Hannah but I have been reading this thread because I have been battling the urge to do this from about half-way through my last pregnancy. I have managed not to do it, but the urge is extremely strong. I don't understand where it comes from. I've never had these feelings before. So I understand why you are doing it and I really hope you can start to feel better.