Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on May 30, 2005 9:17:33 GMT
I have alwya founf writing down mythoughts and feeelings very helpful, I don't know why I stopped doing it really.
Today has been hard, I am on my own with the children whislt my husband helps his borther move some furniture. We also had his mother over for a BBq last night, and that always is very hard for me, she is a hard woman to get on with at the best of times, but just know, I can't stand to be around her.
So the kids are running riot, but at least they are outside as the weather is nice, Lydia is being a nightmare lately too, she has such a wicked temper, and is so strong, I can barely hold onto her when she is having a tanrum.
Everyone is on holiday and where I could usually escape to my Mums for a cup of tea, I can't this week, my Sister is also away, which leaves me no back up either, all my friends seem to be away too. I feel a bit abandoned, and Jelous probably, as we have never been on holiday together, but we will hopefully get away later in the year.
I have to take my incapacity form to the office on Tueday too, so I am a bit anxious about that, my employer didn't send me the form I needed, so things are very tight and I need it sorted straight away, just another problem my work have caused me.
I also got a letter from My psychiatrist that bothered me, it stateted that I was a low to Moderate risk to myself, I hadn't thought I was any risk at all, and he wants my HV to start visiting again, I thought I was making progress, but this seemed to confirm that I'm not.
Everything seems to be happening in the one week that i havn't got any help, and I feel like I am on the brink of a total meltdown, why couldn't things wait until next week?
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on May 31, 2005 12:03:28 GMT
Another bad day, this week is never ending, My parents are back on Friday, but that seems such a long way away.
My little sister did ask me if I wanted to go out with hr one night, but its the days that are the problem.
I know I can't expect everyone to be there for me incase I have a bad day, but It makes such a difference knowing someone is there, and it is probably not going to happen very often that everyone goes away all together, but it is hard, I am having a really tough time, and there is no one to talk to me about it.
My mum and dad said I could call ant=ytime, but I don't want to ruin their holiday, they would only be worried, and then they wouldn't enjoy the rest of their holiday and it would be my fault.
And I think things are bad now, but how much worse are is it going to get when I have the kids too.
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on Jun 8, 2005 6:34:26 GMT
Things are still not going well , I don't know if I can write my thought here, I am so frightened that it will frighten other people.
It frightens me,a dn sometimes I don't know if I should tell anyone.
I am so confused, what is going on, is it real? Is it just a thought, I don't know anymore.
All I can hear is my children screaming, as they are killed, I turn the Tv and the radio up are far as it will go to to try and drown it out, but the pictures are still thatre, and I still hear the sounds no matter how loud I have to drown it out.
The thing that scares me the most is whe the tv is off, I see the face of a demon, he is talking, but I can't understand what he says, he i black with a red outline.
I thought my daughter had drowned a few days ago as I saw her travel cot fill with water and her floating dead on the top, whe i checked her she was lying on the bottom of the cot, and looked dead, but she was sleeping, but for that breif moment, I felt releieved, but how can I feel like that, how can anyone have those sort of feelings towards your own child?
Please delete this if it is not right
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Post by Veritee on Jun 8, 2005 8:12:23 GMT
I would not usually respond on a Diary thread - but I thought it might be appropriate to say this here.
I would not delete it - and I really respect you and think you are very brave to say it how it really is. But if you ever in the future want to delete it of course you can, this is your diary!
I think opening this out this will help many other women.
I have often posted the true awfulness of my own dark thoughts when I had PNI on the forum for this reason - as what I say may seem very extreme to some and outside their experience but for many others whose' thoughts are as 'dark' and horrible as mine and yours are and mine were -
reading that someone else has thoughts as scary as theirs will be a comfort.
I know that many do have equally dark thoughts and even on the Tonight programme it was hinted at - but even the women on that programme and some many years since their PNI - did not truly explain how absolutely awful these thoughts can be . This does demonstrate how the truth of these thoughts is not really known even by the PNI 'experts' and that women still fear stigma, lack of understanding and even appropriate response if they do share them.
But I personally found that it did help to start talking about them - it is up to you how detailed what you say is - and I am sure everyone on here will respect you for it.
Despite the awfulness and sometimes the bizarreness of our thoughts I personally found the most damaging effect on me was the guilt I felt myself that I could think these thoughts about my child ( or anyone) and the fear I must be mad!
This is why I give advice from experience like
To accept the thoughts and let them wash over you
I do know how hard this is - but if you can do this it can prevent and lessen the guilt you feel and the fear that you will act on them.
Also tell those close to you if you can the details so they understand your fear and if you really are worried - leave the house, go in the garden - call someone
I did these things on many occasions.
All the best
Veritee
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Post by Veritee on Jun 8, 2005 8:56:46 GMT
Dear vikki
I did have the thought that your description of the black and red demon and your baby floating - is more verging on a ‘vision’ than a thought?
Some women do experience visions like this – or seeing things – I think newwie was seeing things not that long ago and checked it out as it worried her so much – others before have had this symptom much worse than this .
As this is a ‘vision’ type experience rather than a ‘thought’ you could call your GP, psychiatrist, HV or someone else you trust and tell them, not the exact details of the visions but that you are getting these visions.
I will say that if visions like this do become too worrying – usually only medication helps and I know you said you had tried many medications
But the thought suddenly struck me that if you did not tell them about this sort of vision experience – you might have been prescribed the wrong medication!!
Women I have known who have had this type of symptom have been prescribed ‘anti psychotic’ medication rather than Anti Ds.
Please do not be put off by the name ‘psychotic’ I know much less about these types of drugs than Anti Ds and it is the only way I can describe them as they are the sorts of drugs used for this mostly.
But they are also used for other things too, they can be used for bi-polar sufferers to control when they are manic and I know they have been used for women with PNI who do not have puerperal psychosis but do suffer visions and some have it for chanting repetitive voices and thoughts.
In my non- expert opinion this may be why the anti Ds have not helped much, but you would have to go to a doctor with this.
Personally I would do this – what would be the harm, it seems to me your problem is trying to get enough help from the NHS rather than too much intervention and I am sure if you said about vision like thoughts they might try a different type of medication.
All the best
veritee
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on Jun 8, 2005 9:16:44 GMT
That is exactly what he is doing, he is chanting, but I don't know what he says, its almost like he is cATING A SPELLON ME
I triedto tell H yesterday, but I cna't, i told hwer some other things, and i told her i saw things, but couldn't tell her vwhat
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Post by Veritee on Jun 8, 2005 9:49:18 GMT
This chanting is a known symptom or PNI and others have had it. I cant remember who or where but someone on here quite recently said they were getting this.
But it is not any spell or anything like this - but this is really upsetting and distressing you and the more distressed and upset you get the worse you may feel.
I do think the time has come to take the bull by the horns and get the crisis team in your area and some effective medication.
I do not ever intervene but if you can not do it and can not get your partner to do it I could phone someone for you. I expect you will say no and that’s fine.
I'm only offering if you do want to try to get help but can’t do it?
All the best
veritee
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jun 8, 2005 10:06:54 GMT
i have told aaron i am not piking them up, he will have to do, i am tired of people not listening, it is time to do something
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Post by Veritee on Jun 8, 2005 10:41:13 GMT
Perhaps he can read some of what is in here- only the bits you do not mind doctor etc knowing.
I agree there sometimes comes a point when you need someone to take responsibility and do something to get help - I felt like this - I was ill so why was it always up to me to get and arrange the help I needed?
I also felt that no one listened to me when I tried to tell them either.
Is he going to phone them? He could do this from work?
Is he going to come home or your parents come over? Let us know what is anything you do - or if you are going to try to get through without any extra help
All the best
veritee
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jun 8, 2005 16:32:11 GMT
I am sorry about today Veritee
I just went, I left a msg for Aaron telling him I was not picking up the children and left.
I just drove around, I had no clue where to go, so eneded up spending a few hours sat in a car park.
It must have been hard for Aaron, but I didn't know what else to do.
Aaron spoke to Anna who told him to look at this Diary thread, and he contacted my Dad who made an appointment for me to see a doctor tomorrow and he is coming with me, I think he reacted nothing like I thought, and we hugged for the first time in years.
I am going to take the print offs, and let my Dad do the talking, as I know I can't to do it.
I think my Dad agrees with you Veritee and think s I may need an anti psychotic drug rather than the ad's, so hopefully I can now start to get some help.
I am so sorry for everything I have done, but I truly was desperate.
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Post by Veritee on Jun 8, 2005 17:08:29 GMT
I know Vikki
I think I've been there too!!
I'll talk later if you are on - line
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Post by susanneb1984 on Jun 8, 2005 18:16:43 GMT
Your so brave, it must have taken so much courage to open up. I hope you don't think I was prying.
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Post by wendabell on Jun 8, 2005 18:57:10 GMT
well done vikki, what you posted was very brave and not at the least wrong.It does help to write things down to put them in perspective and you can look back and see it in blck and white.There are a lot of people on here that have had simular or worse visions or thoughts.I still today think the worst when i here my kids fighting and visualise the most horrific scenes when i go to them.But its going,i remember having these thoughts and visions on hurting myself and the kids daily and fighting with an invisible entity all these thoughts away. Its hard to open up but it has shown that your dad really cares and loves you and arron too.Its so hard but hang in there and good luck sorry to for posting on here you can delete this post from me
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on Jun 18, 2005 21:01:20 GMT
I have been feeling better lately, but I think that is mostly to do with people being around constantly.
I had a bad night a couple of days ago, and I didn't know what to do, the visions came back everytime I closed my eyes, and I was so drowsy from the medication I was scared to get out of bed incase I fell down the stairs. I should have called the intervention team, but I was too scared to even do that, so I just lay there, trying not to close my eyes, but the sleepiness was overpowering me.
When I did call the intervention team the next night, there really wasn't much they could do. It's not that I don't apprecaite therm, but I don't really see how they help me.
They are calling me tomorrow morning, and will be visiting tomorrow, but I really don't see much point.
Am I being unappreciative? Should I be pleased abpout any help I get?
I have become teary and anxious again over the past couple of days, and I know I should tell them this, but I don't see what they can do about it anyway.
I am worried about Aaron going back to work on Monday, I will be alone properly then, and I am dreading Wednesday, as I don't see how I can look after the children, even though I am feeling slightly better, even thinking about it makes my stomach churn.
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Post by Veritee on Jun 18, 2005 21:31:21 GMT
Hi Vikki
I have been wondering how you were? I have been concerned
I did try to talk to you on MSN the other day but it said you were offline even though it looked to me as if you were on line?? Anyway I understand you feeling that the intervention team is not there when you need it.
you do not need to be grateful - if what you are getting is not enough - then let them know.
I do not think many who have not been though PNI understand how awful it is and what you need to get through!
Can I ask where was Aaron in the night when you were feeling like this? Its just because you did not mention him and I am assuming her was at home??
Was he around or out - or did you not tell him?
I understand this - many times Barry was lying next to me - but I felt so alone
was this what happened to you?
I am so tired tonight - so I am probably not much help today
but
let me know
all the best
Veritee
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