Wendy
New Member
Posts: 22
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Post by Wendy on Oct 11, 2004 14:35:09 GMT
???Hi ive been a visitor to this site for quite some time almost a year.I got myself sorted i thought, i went to the doctors a few months after my 3rd child a girl gorgeous little madam was born.I was on a major low i couldnt explain,irritable,shouting at the kids my husband,the panic attacks, to scared to answer the front door let alone go outside or speak to people on the phone.All i wanted to do was sleep and had emence tiredness and headaches.Couldnt face the day no matter what i tried.But hey you put on this jolly im all right jack face and carry on letting people know that yes i am fine after having the baby.Whilst on the inside i feel like im dying and filled with a saddness i cant snap out of.Well that visit to the doctors,i felt like i shouldnt have been there as there were people there worse than me and looked physically ill,whilst me ,well,anyway he put me on the anti ds and gave me a councillor support for post natal mums and after a few months i was better.I have to admit i took myself off the pills and told the councillor i no longer needed her,i was me again,or ,well nearly me with the bad days coming and going but i could cope with that right. I had post natal before with my other to little cherubs now a daughter aged5 and a son aged 3 and my newest now one in a weeks time.But i never seeked help and it was bad then but not compared to this time.Now........................................ Its back, with avengance,im loosing my husband,im shouting and ive smacked my kids(the eldest two are constantly fighting).My mum is getting the brunt of it also and she doesnt know how im feeling, cant seem to tell her that,cant tell anyone that actually.Cant even face work,and thats one of the reasons i moved onto doing the night shifts,less presure and less people to face and talk to.Cant even hold an adult conversation,i try but my words are just dissapearing from my head.I know i should go back to the doctors,i know im not coping,i know what i should be doing i really do and when i loose it with my family its like im outside my body at the time watching this ogre and im thinking this is wrong.I have had such a bad year with my husband we have nearly split a few times and now i dont want him any where near me even though i love him i cant let him touch me and freeze when he does.I dont want this anymore ive had enough and cant do it.Have you ever felt like going out for a walk and not coming back,thats so bad cos i love my family.Im just so bitter and twisted.Ive been reading all the mail on your site and that has helped knowing there is more than just me ,but not felt the need to join until now.just didnt want to be alone im sorry for the rant thanks for reading this anyway...... TEXT
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Wendy
New Member
Posts: 22
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Post by Wendy on Oct 13, 2004 1:49:07 GMT
Hi i am at work at the moment its 1am. I work at a college for the disabled and i am on the residential hostels. I couldnt go back onto days as i know i couldnt cope with the paperwork or the stress that the care are always under,you know short staffed, managers wanting more out of you than you can give. Now i come in put a few people to bed, and then during the night assist the students with turns, personal care, drinks and check on them when they are poorly,which some do get quite frequently especially the muscular dystrophy students which most of them are on vents at night because of sleep apneoa. I work with a team of 4 care and 2 nurses over 3 hostels from 11pm to 7am. It suits me better and its term time which means i get all the holidays off.Ive been there for 11 years now and met my husband there and brought up a family whilst working full time on shifts. It was hard for me when i was low after having my first two children to go back and carry on .I never told work how i felt then or how i am now,just cant do it.I feel ashamed of how im feeling and embarrassed.i know i shouldnt right, i really know all the right things to do to get me better but i cant. Im different at work i still feel panicy,tired,and not wanting to face people and every day have to convince myself i can do it and to go in and not to wimp out.When im there i wear a mask i guess its like being an actor acting out a role im crap on the inside but i make ever effort not to show my feelings i guess im good at it because no one has noticed . As for sleep well my husband also does shifts(not working at the same place anymore) so its either mum or him that looks after the kids.My mum is brilliant she looks after the 3 and wont accept money from me .We could not afford child care and with both of us working unsociable hours there was no child care that did that.Im also the kind of person that dont do benifits i wont scrounge off the govornment if i dont have to so me giving up work to be a full time mum was not an option especially with a big mortgage.I would love to be a full time mum though.Sleep , i go home in the morning get or help to get my 3 up washed and dressed and then the eldest off to school.At 9 am i go to bed and then get up at 12 md . I then take over looking after the kids do dinner and all the other house chores and when the kids go to bed about 7.30 pm i hand the care of the kids back over and go back to bed for 2 hours before going to work. The reality of it is for the first hour of me going to bed i cant sleep .I am tired but i just lie there my head whizzing around .So i get about 3 hours sleep oveer the 3 shifts on and 3off that i do. I read yor responce and thank you so much for your kind words.I know people will read my thread rather than respond i read some and my heart goes out to them and sit there in tears but i have no idea what to say that would help.Maybe one day i will be like some of the other mums that have such supportive and positive things to say,i would like that. I had never thought about what you was saying about me never recovering from the first time i had pnd.I couldnt have been like this for 5 years surely.I know after the first time when i felt better i would still get extreme low days and take it out on mainly my husband and come to think of it also after my second child as well.but funnily enough when i was pregnant i felt fine i was happy. Thinking back i got pregnant had a horrible 1st birth experience with a vaginal tear. got lower and lower after the first few months were over ,didnt have panic attacks then but lost appitite sex drive and nearly my husband with all the argueing and couldnt give a damm about myself then.I got better though when i found out i was pregnant with my son felt on top of the world even though i was bleeding with him in the first two trimesters i was fine.Had a quick birth second time but the cord was wwrapped around his neck 3 times and he was almost black when he came out and was given oxygen.But i also felt good for the first couple of months then i gave up breast feeding and again the headaches returned the irritability,not wanting to go out,the arguements with my husband and the tiredness and lowness.Then i was pregnant but misscarride after 4 months .I do remember feeling great thenwhen pregnant i was buzzing and on a natural high.When i lost him, a horrible experience i was at work at the time and felt fine just a little blood loss,and i thought it was just like with my son.I was in training and desperatly needed a pee.So i dashed out ,sat on the loo,and i watched as this little body left me and so much blood everywhere and before i could do anything he dissapeared around the bend of the pipe and was gone.i sat there for ages in shock ,did the usual thing of not telling anyone and went home.I had the scan but i knew i had lost him and you are the first person i have told, mum or hubby still dont know to this day where i lost him.Anyway then we had a little unplanned suprise only 4 months after that i was pregnant again and yes i was buzzing then,until afterwards again tansy was less than 2 months old when this thing hit me and it started just like before with all the same symptoms but it happened quicker and then the panic attacks started and god i thought i was having a heart attack.I became and still am this ogre and i dont feel anything anymore exept sadness and i cant even remember what i used to be like.All i know is i am not me.My skin is horrible dry and spotty and my hair is falling out , not so im bald but loosing more than a normal person would. I know you have had loads of experience and its only after thourough reading of this site that i now have joined under the name of wendabell but i have been here loads of time.If from what i have just told you you think i have been with this thing for longer than i thought then i really do need help.I hope this makes sense im ranting a bit and dont know if it reads right
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Post by wendabell on Oct 13, 2004 20:17:11 GMT
Thank you for the kind words lucy my heart goes out to you after having this 4 times.Yes i would like to keep in touch if thats ok,i just dont have much to say today as having a bad one. Mr anon, Thank you also,stick with your partner she does need you and proberly loves you very much even if she never shows it.Please let me know how you both are. Veritee, sorry i dont have much to say today,i didnt mean to offend anyone who is on benifits to get them through this i just feel its a step backwards.Anyway my work place has this policy that if you are off work for any legnth of time you have to go to a back to work interview.Its ok until they start hitting you with the guilt trip of" well you do realise you are letting the team down,and lets face it you should not get that sick as you only work 38 weeks of the year".Yes that was said to me once before when i was off after loosing my baby so i dont think i could cope with going through that process again.Thank you for responding i know you are a busy lady,it is much appreciated.I do tend to rant on sorry, but its the only way i can talk.If i was with you face to face right now i would be this jibbering idiot who could not get her words out ,stare blankly at the wall and crying.I guess i didnt realise just how much i wanted to get off my chest and how long it had been there eating away at me,i guess this is a form of release that is at the end of the day a safe anon way.It beats the hell out of telling the ironing board or the kettle or cooker.Am i the only one who can talk to an inanimate object quite clearly about how im feeling but as soon as it becomes a person my brain dissapears and my emotions kick in. I just realised that i started by saying i didnt have much to say and now look.But thank you from my heart to all those who have responded, i know not many have to my thread ,i guess im just a bit to much for most and a bit of a heavy read.Got to go now,tired and brain gone dead. love to you all out there . wendy x.x.x
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Post by wendabell on Oct 15, 2004 19:45:24 GMT
sorry really dont have much to say today.too much smiling over grumpyness makes you tired.Its strange but comforting that we have had simular experiences.You must have felt awful at the time at work.my sympathys of the past go to you.
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Post by wendabell on Oct 16, 2004 14:50:58 GMT
thanks stephy.The past five years have been a bit of a blur.Some things i can recall with clarity others,especially the ones im supposed to remember about my kids just dissapear.My husband wants me to back to the doctors,im scared and embarrased,wot if he dont believe me its come back or never went away in the first place. Im just getting to grips with all these threads , do you have one?
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Post by wendabell on Oct 18, 2004 0:51:42 GMT
Thanks everyone, im having a good one today and had a pretty stress free day with the kids.I think that having a rant on here is actually helping, it beats the hell out of telling the toaster.Still cant talk to my husband though and i want to. Ive got my lil uns first birthday on tuesday and looking forward to spending the day with the family as finished work for two weeks. I want to see the doctor but still dont feel brave enough even though my hubby says he would come with me.I admire all you ladies that have been to the docs, hec im even envyous.Hey im feeling ok though to reply to some of the other threads even though its proberbly non inspiring.Just thanks to all that have taken time to read and respond to my rants,im trying to catch up with everyone elses threads at the mo.
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Post by wendabell on Oct 23, 2004 16:27:00 GMT
Hi folks, Well i have been having a good couple of days and caught up on chorse and stuff.My youngest Tansy was 1on tuesday just gone.It was a day of an emotional rolercoster,i seem to get all over emotional on special occasions.Sometimes i get angry and bitter and twisted and i dont know why,i shouldnt really but it just comes over me. I want to know if anyone else seems to get worse with there pni when not on a period,and a little better when they are.Is pni and pmt linked in some way?Maybe im just paranoid. Any way still not been to the docs and still cant let my hubby near me.I know i know ive got to make the first move to getting better,its just i dont think i can face the doc cos i took myself off the meds and told my cpn i didnt need her any more.and that was back in febuary.I know he will give me the i told you so speel. So anyway this afternoon been on a mega downer,kids constantly fighting,im tired and my headache is back again how long for this time i wonder.My hair started falling out again today and the spotty skin as well.Keep thinking these are all symptoms of some big illnessy/tumory things,my joints are aching too so maybe im coming down with flu. Getting worried my marrige is failing,we are so far apart now its unbelievable and to top it im trying to support him in becoming a homes manager.He is away on another course next week in london so too far to comute.Its only two nights but it might as well be longer,and i know when he gets back we will just be the same ol thing.Anyway got to go sorry im on a neg again i thought i was doing so well im replying to peeps and now look at me feeling sorry for myself again. take care all of you love wendy x.x.x
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Post by wendabell on Oct 31, 2004 22:44:26 GMT
Ok ladies,thanks for your support so far and it did make me realise that i did need to get a doctors appointment.So this tuesday am im going. :)I have a dilema though as since ive already been diagnosed and supposedly cured,i know its my fault taking my self off the meds and all but what do i say to her.Do i go in and tell her i know i still have pni or do i give her all my symptoms and let her work it out .Im not looking forward to this and hope i dont bottle out,i know ive got to do this for my kids and hubby. Whilst on the subject of hubby,i had a real downer/paranoid/horrible thought thing about my hubby who i found out joined this site(i never checked the men page until recently)and i was angry about him reading my thoughts.Well ive done a lot of sane thinkging since then and took veritee's advice and well if he wants to read then he can,its the only way we are communicating at the moment anyway.And the worst is done.And i want to save my marridge if i can.I know he only loves me and is trying to figure this out for himself and there isnt much help out there for the partners who are suffering the other side of pni. Feel a little better after reading the thread on paranoid.I really thought i was the only one feeling like this.Do i also tell the doctor that,or should i not.See im one of these people who put off going to the doctors normally anyway.When i do go its usually short and sweet and to the point with the minimal amount of information passed,so what do i do this time? Thanks veritee and all you ladies who have read my ranting on any of the threads your comments have been helpful and made me realise a lot about me and helped put things in perspective a bit. wendy Love and hugs x.x.x
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Post by wendabell on Dec 25, 2004 21:09:54 GMT
Just found my origional thread,i wanted to see how i was a few months ago to how i am now.I guess this time of year brings reflection. I have changed so much and didnt quite realise how much until now. So i thought i needed to add to this thread to put my thoughts down now so in the future i can again look back and see my improvement more. I guess i wrote a lot about me realy in the begining and that is something i would not normally do.open up to complete strangers but at the time i needed to.I had all this pent up emotion i wanted to release and i think i did. Im also hoping that this will encourage new users to start a thread.If they can read a story from the bottom rung to i think a little over half way up now,it might give them hope when its a time you have very little and need comfort you are not alone.
I am now getting there.I have no more aches and pains for a few weeks now.I have my bad days yes but i have good days inbetween and the good days are getting longer honest.I am dealing with my anger trying to stay calm,taking time out,being more positive in my re inforcing good behaviour in my kids and as i get better my children are also not as unruly as they once were.I am unsure to whether its because i can cope better or if my pni affected my kids behaviour(proberbly eh). My husband and i are getting on better.We hug and cuddle and snuggle in bed,we have even had intiment moments which wernt too bad.I still have problems talking to him but im getting there and since his joining the site he has understood me and pni a lot better and reads you ladies threads quite often. I have had the first christmas i have enjoyed for so long i cant remeber but five years is about it.I know its the meds talking right now and if i didnt take them right now i would crash again but im on a recovery path now.this journey has taken some bumpy roads and some dark tunnels. My thoughts have subsided and are only present on my most streesful days.So trying to live stress free does help girls. I sleep better and wake early refreshed of a good nights sleep now and not like when i was restless all night,sweating ,waking watching tv,sorting the baby,then when the alarm went off i was so tired i could cry and couldnt face my kids,my hubby and wanted to hide from the world.I cant believe im waking at 6 am without an alarm and getting up cos i want to. Things dont seem to wind me up as much either now.I have tried taking a step back approach,like an out of body experience and seeing things from a different point of view. As to who i am............i still dont know............i cant remember what my personality was truely like before the pni arrived.I hope i stay this person now as im begining to like her.I hope she dont leave me when the medication stops five years but its now really five and a half because thats how old my eldest is.Was it three times or did i just have a continuing pni through three pregnancys.At least when i was pregnant i felt normal. Five years this thing had taken from me,five years of not being able to remember,to laugh,to enjoy life my kids,my husband.So much is a blur still will i ever get it back.The mind is a powerful instument and is all my memories locked away ready to be released one day,who knows. All i know is im beating the pants off this finally.Finally im enjoying life and im not scared.I am facing daily chalenges with optimism and not pessimism. Girl if you read all of this , i hope it gives you hope and comfort that in all your doubt right now a little speck of sunshine will appear.Because when it appears thats the road to recovery. I cant thank Veritee and all the fantastic ladies i have had the privilide to have support from, if it wasnt through here i truely think i would be still on the bottom of that ladder. Thank you, and i hope i can support you and together beat this pain in the bum illness.
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Post by wendabell on Dec 27, 2004 14:56:40 GMT
cheers susie yes it does help writing down thoughts and feelings.I think i would not be where i am today without this site and the chance to talk to fellow sufferers that understand how you feel and you can look back and see your improvements as well.
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Post by wendabell off line on Dec 28, 2004 21:44:09 GMT
Just wanted someone to chat to.......no one here again......feeling a little anxious today thought it would pass but it hasnt.I keep trying to put thoughts out of my head.had a crap nights sleep with reoccuring nightmares of my mum dying and me and the kids in a car crash.Been on such an up and now i can cry today at anything,its stupid,im getting better i know and this aint going to get to me big time but its niggling. my hubby bless him wants me to have an early night with him but im not up to that either.Twice recently we did and i faked the whole thing both times. I hate doing it,i just want cuddles.Yep im getting a sence of humor but.........there is this thing still there holding me back,poking its head out when just as i feel i can beat it.Am i bringing this on myself,am i making myself frigid,am i wanting the comfort pni has brought me in the sence of i can alow myself to hide and it being ok while im ill.the same goes for my attitude towards people am i now just using it as an excuse because i know the anti dees are working. Ive not felt like this and im scared of what i am or becoming.When im up i like that person but she still has this evil side of tortureing and blackness. I still cant remember what my personality was like before pni and that is worrying me,was i a horrible person without a kind heart,was i ever happy, i cant remember and i thought by now i would have. I know im going down as i find im getting addicted to this site again for support and not giving it.Hence me being here over crimbo.Im not lieing when i said above i had the best crimbo ever........and i guess im just exhausted from all the hype and build up to it,and maybe i was distracted from pni for a while but..........here i am again. I feel a fraud in the sence i still feel embarrassed to own up and admit to people i have pni.Why do i feel this way.I work with mentle illness,i have it.Why cant i tell my mum,my work friends,my friends.Why cant i talk to my hubby, why does he still have to come on here to find out how im feeling.Hes lovely guy,really caring and loyal and soul mates.And i cant talk to him.How can i tell you guys to talk and tell people about your pni when i cant do it.How come i know all the right answers yet cant apply them to my situation.Why am i getting so emotional over this.Why do i feel so alone still when surrounded by love.My anti dees i know they are working im not as bad as i was i have a lot of unanswered questions and had to put all this crap down somehow. In some religions they say if you were bad in a past life it will be worse in this one if so i must have been bad to have this mentle torture now eh. Oh sod it heres to lying back and thinking of england again.
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Post by wendabell on Dec 29, 2004 11:49:14 GMT
sorry again susie,i really dont know what happened, feel bad now i would never do it intentionally. Oh hell im going down fast girls,really lost it with the kids today and want to have an arguement but i dont know what about and i dont want to take it out on hubby so im locked away on here ranting instead.Ive turned evil again.Look and feel a mess,loosing weight and over christmas when you are traditionally supposed to put it on.feeling bitchy right now got to bite my tounge cant even type right siily cow, house is really a mess,tons of ironing,too many toys.too much clutter.too lack of support physically from hubby.Hes getting mad with the kids and hes not here much,so i dont expect it off him when hes around.Hes just let his teenage daughter out without a key and a return time shes only just turned 13.Hes so irrisponcible i cant believe he does the things he does sometimes and the excuses he makes are pathetic"i was just upstairs doing something he said" but moments earlier he was telling her she could go into town,why didnt he sort it then and why the lame excuses.Sometimes i wish he would just leave and not come back because its like having an extra kid in the house not a mature adult.And him a manager,i wonder how he copes at work.i had to tell him to chase after her how caring is that eh. sod it dont know if i will be on here much until new year.in foul moods and dont want to give crap advise,dont want to be funny,dont even feel caring.Ive got to snap out of this right now,,,,,,,,hope to feel beter later.maybe come back them or tomorow orr dont know,no one around much this week anyway.
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Post by me off line on Dec 30, 2004 22:11:59 GMT
so sorry for ranting on like that. i cant seem to keep stable,im up one minute and crashed the next,whats going on now? Thoughts are creeping back in,wanting to hurt myself now,want to punish me for being crap.feel so alone inside myself every day im in mourning and i dont know who for.Then i snap out of it for a while and enjoy myself then bamm im back again. got to put this down got to gwt it out of my system think im loosing it big time. no one to chat to when i want and then when there is i cant. wendabell
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Post by wendabell on Dec 31, 2004 17:54:27 GMT
yes you are all right and i know it too.yes i am getting better,im just stupid and paranoid with no confidence in myself for soo long.
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Post by wendabell on Dec 31, 2004 18:57:48 GMT
i will hang,im not letting this get to me too much anymore.its had enough of me.
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