Diary in the Desert Sept 10, 2005 16:11:07 GMT
Post by Shell on Sept 10, 2005 16:11:07 GMT
I decided to start an online diary today because as a teenager I used to have a diary. It always helped to write things down as they came into my head so I am hoping it will help me again.
I moved to Dubai 3 months ago from South Africa. I have come to a place where colour is non existant. There is just buildings and sand. SA is such a beautiful country. The change is devestating. I know this adds to my moods. We came here for my husband's job and he is loving it. He misses home but he is enjoying the challenge. So much so that I don't think he realizes what I am going through. I guess it's also my fault coz I don't tell him. I always say things are fine when he asks. He knows I am on medication and that I go to the doctor once a month but no matter what the doc says I tell him all is fine. I tell my mom what's going on but she is in SA and not round the corner like she used to be. I will be seeing her in 3 weeks time and am counting the days. Today was a really crappy day. Katelyn was an angel but I just felt so down and sad. Along with my PNI I am also struggling with other issues. I haven't told anyone about them because I feel ashamed about it. It has to do with my weight and it is a huge issue for me. I gained 22 kgs with my pregnancy and have lost 15 so far. But these last kgs just won't budge. I struggle to exercise due to complications that occured during the birth. I used to run marathons before I had a baby now I can hardly walk to the corner shop. I am having physio therapy which is helping a bit but it takes time they tell me. In the meantime I am fat and feel gross. I hardley eat and when I do I feel so guilty. Like I shouldn't be eating. I watch my husband eat and he enjoys every bite and I wish I could be like that. My friend whose baby is 2 months younger than mine has lost all her pregnancy weight and can eat whatever she wants and she still looks good. She is much thinner than me and I feel so much pressure when I am around her. It's not like I am huge. I weigh 65kgs. Not a bad weight. But I used to weigh 58kgs when I fell pregnant. My husband says it doesn't bother him and that he is still attracted to me, but he does hint that I should be going to the gym a bit more. He offers to baby sit for me but my coccyx is so sore when I do gym that I can hardley walk the next day and I feel it's not worth the pain. It doesn't help that he plays rugby and is fit and well built. Some days I wish I could get really sick and be in hospital on a drip so that I can't eat and then I'll be thin again and not have to worry about my weight. I feel like this is just making my PNI even worse. It's like I could cope if only I didn't have to worry about this as well. I can handle the thoughts, the anxiety attacks, the mood swings, the dark places but this just adds fuel to the fire. I am going to take a sleeping tablet now and go to bed.