Diary in the Desert

[Shell]

I decided to start an online diary today because as a teenager I used to have a diary. It always helped to write things down as they came into my head so I am hoping it will help me again.
I moved to Dubai 3 months ago from South Africa. I have come to a place where colour is non existant. There is just buildings and sand. SA is such a beautiful country. The change is devestating. I know this adds to my moods. We came here for my husband's job and he is loving it. He misses home but he is enjoying the challenge. So much so that I don't think he realizes what I am going through. I guess it's also my fault coz I don't tell him. I always say things are fine when he asks. He knows I am on medication and that I go to the doctor once a month but no matter what the doc says I tell him all is fine. I tell my mom what's going on but she is in SA and not round the corner like she used to be. I will be seeing her in 3 weeks time and am counting the days. Today was a really crappy day. Katelyn was an angel but I just felt so down and sad. Along with my PNI I am also struggling with other issues. I haven't told anyone about them because I feel ashamed about it. It has to do with my weight and it is a huge issue for me. I gained 22 kgs with my pregnancy and have lost 15 so far. But these last kgs just won't budge. I struggle to exercise due to complications that occured during the birth. I used to run marathons before I had a baby now I can hardly walk to the corner shop. I am having physio therapy which is helping a bit but it takes time they tell me. In the meantime I am fat and feel gross. I hardley eat and when I do I feel so guilty. Like I shouldn't be eating. I watch my husband eat and he enjoys every bite and I wish I could be like that. My friend whose baby is 2 months younger than mine has lost all her pregnancy weight and can eat whatever she wants and she still looks good. She is much thinner than me and I feel so much pressure when I am around her. It's not like I am huge. I weigh 65kgs. Not a bad weight. But I used to weigh 58kgs when I fell pregnant. My husband says it doesn't bother him and that he is still attracted to me, but he does hint that I should be going to the gym a bit more. He offers to baby sit for me but my coccyx is so sore when I do gym that I can hardley walk the next day and I feel it's not worth the pain. It doesn't help that he plays rugby and is fit and well built. Some days I wish I could get really sick and be in hospital on a drip so that I can't eat and then I'll be thin again and not have to worry about my weight. I feel like this is just making my PNI even worse. It's like I could cope if only I didn't have to worry about this as well. I can handle the thoughts, the anxiety attacks, the mood swings, the dark places but this just adds fuel to the fire. I am going to take a sleeping tablet now and go to bed.

[cheshire]

Hi Shell

I understand with so much of what you say here.
I am keen to tone up too and have started at the gym - I think that now that the anxiety has subsided I can face it and I think it will help the depression and sleeplessness - but it's hard to motivate yourself isn't it? My husband is physically fit and lean too and I feel a bit guilty that I'm not trying harder..

Anyway,
Great to hear from you,
Hopefulx
p.s. LOVE you signature quote

[Shell]

Well, I guess it doesn't rain, it pours. Today started out terribly. My husband decided that this morning would be a good time to point out all my faults. Granted, I guess he was not even aware of what he was doing. Normally when I feed Katelyn I close my eyes when it's the early hours of the morning and I am still in bed. This morning though he asked me twice to wake up while I feed. I told him my eyes were just closed and that I was well aware of feeding and that I knew what I was doing as this is how I normally do it. Not that he would know coz he's normally asleep. Eventually I asked him if he would rather feed her to which he had a very savoury reply. Then he complained about the state of the house (I have just recently hired a house keeper to help me out in the mornings but she is Shri Lankan and cannot speak English so I am trying to teach her but obviously she is not quite there yet with the English and the cleaning. ) and the fact that there is no food in the fridge. (There is plenty of food it's just not the right food for him) Meaning there is no junk food for him to grab on his way to work. I haven't bought fast food as I am trying to lose weight. Then when he left he made a comment that implied that he was actually going to work as oppossed to what I do all day long. So my bubble has offically burst. I now feel overweight, depressed and like I don't contribute to this household. I am trying to snap out of it though and as soon as our housekeeper gets here I am going to shower and then myself and Katelyn will go to town and buy junk food for her father and just hope that I have the will power not to eat it!
It just feels like things were just starting to go well and then I have a morning like this and it just sets me back completely. Yesterday I spent the whole day unpacking the study and moving the furniture to where it should be. My husband has still not even mentioned it. Then I think, why bother? Let's just live in an unpacked house til we move back home. Who cares anyway, not my husband. Why are men so insensitive at times. Actually most times. But if I had to say this to him he'll say it's because he's focused on his job and making a living for us. I wonder if he realises that it would mean more to me if he actually noticed what I do around here instead of just telling me how much money he is making. Plus I am a very physical person. Our family is always hugging and we show love and care in that way. I get a dutiful hug from my husband in the mornings, but it's like oh, by the way, here's a hug, I must go now. Like do me a favour. Then I think, well if I was my old weight again maybe he would find me more attractive. Heck, I just confuse myself these days. I thought that once I was on the anti-d's that I would feel great again. They do help but I guess there is a part that I have to play too. If only it was as easy as taking a pill in the morning and everything would be fine. Someone should invent one they'll make millions. I guess I better take my sorry ass to the bathroom now. Katelyn is lying next to my feel here like a little angel. At least I have one person who loves and adores me. She is my saving grace. Well, let me get back to the real world....

[cheshire]

Thinking of you Shell
Your signature quote got my sister smiling and she's having a time of it for different reasons just now.

Hopefulx

[rainydaybox]

Hello

I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. Please feel free to ignore what I am about to type - I am not a counsellor or anyone qualifired so it's just my observations.

1. You have a very young child.
2. You have just moved across the planet.
3. You are unfamiliar with your surroundings.
4. You are away from your family and support.
5. You are in pain at the gym - not sure if you are in pain at other times too
6. You are having to deal with your anxiety and pni
7. You are also dealing with weight issues - not helped by having a husband who probably cannot understand why you can't keep junk food in the house and just not eat it... (mine is the same)
8. You are trying to get the house sorted
9. You are having to try and train someone to do things your way when they don't even speak the same language as you

Those are some of the points I picked out. From an outsiders eyes, it is hardly surprising you are having such a hard time. Moving house is meant to be the second most stressfull thing in life. That alone would be a nightmare but add on top all the other things...

You are so brave to go through with the move. Even though it may not feel that way, what you have done is a real achievement. I could never be brave enough to do all that. In addition, you have been to the doctor, another thing that's not easy to do. You are trying to shield your husband from how you really feel - this is a huge sign of loyalty - another positive quality - although in this case, it may be that he knows something is wrong but doesn't know what....

From all you've written, you sound like a really wonderful, loving and caring person. Maybe now is the time to try and care for yourself. Easier said than done I know. I am the WORST person at taking my own advice...

How do you think your husband would react if you maybe made him a nice meal, said you really wanted some time together to talk? Perhaps you could tell him how much you are totally supportive of him but are finding it really hard to adapt to life in your new home. If he knows you are finding it hard to cope with unpacking etc as you just don't feel adjusted yet, he might not expect so much. Also, he might actually be feeling a pang of guilt for moving you so far away... Men think so differently to us - a classic example of this is:

After Ben was born, I lost all interest in everything apart from Ben. I let the housework become non-existent and stopped making hubby packed lunches etc.. We'd only just moved here and I just didn't go out as I didn't know anyone. I thought my husband didn't care, or chose to ignore it... in actual fact, he thought I didn't love him anymore and was looking to leave him, he felt he was failing me. As neither of us said anything to each other, we carried on for ages...

I have no idea what your husband is like so please don't think I am trying to compare, it's just an idea.

If you have a long list of things to do... the unpacking, training the cleaner, shopping for junk food, gym, diet, feed baby, etc etc.. it can be overwhelming and if you are anything like me... I get none of it done then at the end of the day feel guilty as I cannot juystify having not done anything productive... the list isn't useless but it's size can be daunting.

First things first, you could try and concentrate on what makes you happy. You mum visiting - you could, forget the list and just get ready for her arrival. You need to put you first. - again, easier said than done.

I really feel for you and I really hope it gets easier soon. Please try and hang on to the points I mentioned - you have achieved far more than many mothers / wives ever have to do in terms of sacrifice. You are a caring, loving person and it sounds like you have a beautiful child who loves you unconditionally. You might not see yourself as an achiever but you are.

Big hugs
Becky
xx