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Post by bagpuss on Oct 6, 2005 7:47:09 GMT
I am 22. I have 3 children, a little girl age 3, a boy aged 14 months and a baby aged 3 months.
Today I am starting my PNI diary, because I have shut myself away in the office to get away from the children. It is 8:35am, and they have only been up for half an hour. Already I feel like I am at breasking point. I want to shout and scream and yell and kick and throw things. But I can't. So instead I lock myself away in here and clackity-clack the keys. I have just yelled at them to shut up, and all is silence for about 30 seconds, until they start playing up again. I can't think straight because of their constant noise.
And I hate myself. Because they're only children. Very young children, and they need my love and guidance and support. Not some mad woman screaming at them. Oh God, how bad a mother I must be.
Ever since I had the youngest, he is really all I am interested in. He wasn't planned (hence the 11 month age gap), but I am so so grateful for having had him. He is the light of my life. I always thought people were most likely to get PND if their babies were "bad"; cried a lot, wouldn't feed or sleep. But he's an absolute dream. He has an acid reflux problem, but I have medication for that, and he is wonderful.
But I can't stand to be in the same room as my eldest, and I don't know why. She is bright, beautiful; everything you want a daughter to be. But she just seems to wind me up. And I know it is through no fault of her own.
And the elder boy is lovely too. He seems to have a food intolerance, which we're trying to get to the bottom of. But any noise he makes drives me mad.
Why do I feel like this?
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Post by Veritee on Oct 6, 2005 8:31:11 GMT
I hope you do not mind me replying on your diary? But as I could find no other post by you I thought I would.
Welcome to the forum Bagpuss
Funny I am sometimes called this as I have a wool striped pink and white cardi I wear when cold...
Anyway I hope writing your diary will help?
Are you alone there at the moment, is there no one you can call on to help if today is a bad day and you can not bear to be with your children.
Don't blame yourself for this either - we have all felt like this.
I only had one and I have many times when I had PNI locked my self away from her ( had to go back though as I had no one to help me at all so like the majority of mums with PNI despite how I felt I did look after my child, sometimes on automatic pilot but I looked after her and she is now 16 and at college
Or I would go up to the stables ( I luckily live on a smallholding ) and screamed and screamed and threw things - there were no home PCs in those days and certainly no Internet.
What saved me I think was a telephone counselor from the APNI who used to phone every morning at my worst time - I hope this forum and this dairy will help you in a similar way.
You asked me why you feel as your do, anything I say is just my opinion as a survivor of PNI.
Well I can not answer why anyone gets PNI with any particular birth. I wish someone did as if this was found out we might be half way to a cure or at least effective treatment but as you so rightly pointed out, PNI has noting to do with now wanting your baby, and while having a baby that is not easy can be an additional strain, but I doubt it really contributes to the cause - in fact many women have the first symptoms when they look back before they really have had a chance to find out what sort of baby this will be - whether and 'easy' baby to care for or not.
As to feeling that you hate your oldest girl - this too is very common with PNI, I can not tell you how many mums have found that they loved and adored the baby who's birth they got PNI with but felt they hated, or had thoughts that they would harm one of their elder children
( one or two even felt that they would sexually abuse an older daughter which was never going to happen as neither had no sexual impulses this way, or desire to do such a thing. If you stay around perhaps we could discuss further why women sometimes project their negative feelings that have occurred through having PNI about being a mother, their worth and skills as a mother and ability to protect their children, on to one child only
- I tell you this to put your feelings about your oldest in perspective, that it is something that does happen to women with PNI and this is to do with your PNI. One suggested explanation is that it is due to you protecting your new and more vulnerable baby/child from your feelings at this time and displacing how you feel onto an older child who subconsciously you feel it would be less dangerous to feel these feelings about than the baby and that this older child will be more able to deal with your anger and negativity than your new precious baby. It is natural to put your energy's into protecting your smallest child and this hate of your oldest is a by product of this.
I very much doubt you do actually hate her at all - but this is an awful thing to experience and the guilt you feel is actually more damaging to you and your children ( as you then get more angry with the child who indirectly seems to be causing your guilt) than the feelings themselves - I mean the saying that what someone does not know can not hurt them works here.
Anyway the issues you raise are very complicated and perhaps you can use the forum to explore them as you go along.
Have you actually been diagnosed to have PNI? Or has this only recently occurred to you that this may be the cause of how you are feeling.
Please get back to us
All the best
Veritee
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Post by bagpuss on Oct 6, 2005 10:14:12 GMT
Thank you for your thoughts Veritee.
I haven't been to the doctor to be properly diagnosed, as I am pretty sure all they can do is put me on anti-depressants. Something I refuse to do, as I was on them for years from the age of 12 to 16 (the year of my GCSEs), when I finally took every tablet in the house; paracetamol, all the anti-depressants, sleeping pills etc and managed to put myself in a coma for 3 months. I came out of hospital, into an adolescent psychiactric unit, and they tried to dope me up to my eyeballs. It was there I realised I had to make myself better. I left after 6 weeks, studied like a mad woman for 4 weeks and managed to sit 4 of my GCSE exams. I managed to come out with 4 A-grades, thus proving that it was me who could make myself better, not medication.
I know I have a history of depression - I apparantly had a nervous breakdown at the age of 2 when my parents divorced and I was put under a child psychiatrist for "counselling". Whether or not it worked, I have no idea, as I cannot remember anything of my life before I started school at 5. My first memeory is starting primary school. That is quite sad, isn't it? To have no memeory of your early childhood?
I have no relationship with my own parents; as far as I am concerned I am an orphan. I keep in touch with other memebrs of my family though. My mother was an alcoholic, and my father used to intimidate me, and would occasionally hit me. Neither of them really wanted me, I think.
I would hate for my little girl to look back on her life and feel about me the way I feel about my parents. Because I love her so very, very much. And now she's at pre-scool, and my eldest boy is napping, I can almost think straight. My youngest is smiling and gurgling away in his bouncy chair. I should get on and do some housework, but I can't seem too know where to begin.
So I end up sitting and wasting time, then hate myself more. My mind just wanders all over the place it seems, and I cannot focus on anything. How I hate being like this.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 6, 2005 10:33:33 GMT
Hi Bagpuss,
I just wanted to welcome you to the forum, we are here for you.
My second child (after whom I got PNI) was also a dream - goes to show it's necessarily to do with babies that cry alot - you're right. In fact for the first 6 months of his life he never woke before 10am!!!
Anyway, thinking of you - keep in touch, Hopefulx
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Post by yoyo on Oct 6, 2005 12:51:04 GMT
Hi Bagpuss
Hope you are having a better day today.
Just wanted to welcome you to the forum too - good to have you with us. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Sounds like things have been very tough for you. I'm sure the support you receive on this forum will really help you in so many ways.
You take care
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Post by bagpuss on Oct 7, 2005 12:22:26 GMT
Thank you all, for your kind words. Today is a better day. My little girl, Freya, and I are getting on well so far; trying not to let the usual toddler strops get to me.
Henry and Oskar (14 months and 14 weeks, respectively), are on pretty good form too. Oskar had his second round of immunisations today, and coped very very well. He really is the most beautiful, laid-back little soul. An old soul I think. Henry is much more sensitive; he was the one who cried when the needle went into Oskar's bottom!
I need to focus on doing some housework today, rather than leeting it all become an inconquerable mountain in my mind, and getting upset. That's when I get frustrated and start throwing things, and screaming and crying. If I can do two ooadfs of laundry and manage to roast the chicken for supper, I will be very pleased with myself.
Freya and Henry are sitting at the table in the kitchen eating their lunch, and doing very well; only minimal ham sandwich on the floor! Still can't briing myself to sit and eat a main meal with them. I tried to eat some Cheerios with them this morning, but kept jumping up and down out of the chair. I get so critical of their eating habits, and get very worked up. Particularly with Freya. which is stupid because I know it isn't her fault. She's three for God's sake! I'm 22 - I'm the adult, I should be able to rise bove her attention seeking.
Ah well, the laundry awaits...
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Post by cheshire on Oct 7, 2005 13:44:59 GMT
Hi Bagpuss, Nice to hear from you again. Cor, know exactly what you mean when you say .. 'leeting it all become an inconquerable mountain in my mind,'.. ..I feel like that most days when I get up and start thinking about what has to be done! My counsellor says I'm too much of a perfectionist and I've got to try feel less driven to get everything done - prioritise!! So I have started this week to do what you mention above and say to myself well, if I can just make the tea and put the washing in - that will do for this afternoon! Easier said than done though having said that (!) ..Oh well, good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes.. Take care, Hopefulxx
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Post by bagpuss on Apr 24, 2006 16:44:26 GMT
Thought I was on the mend. Turns out I'm as lost as ever.
Trapped still. Will always lolve my kids but am beginning to feel more and more penned in, and restricted by everything. My husband has a good job, but I never seem to have any money for myself, so always have to go to him. I hate being so dependant. I have no friends. No hobbies I have time to indulge in. I get no housework done because I don't know where to begin. The house just gets dirtier, and I care less and less.
Went to the GP a few months ago and was put on some pills. They aren't working though. He wants me to have counselling but there is no way I can; I have no one to look after the kids during the day, and hubby is at work.
I think he cares and is trying - but seems to do nothing but upset me at the moment. He's a good man but I don't think he understands how much I am beginning to hate everything and everyone. My world is turning black. I am becoming bitter and hateful and horrible. I see how I am upsetting my children through this, but my husband doesn't. Or pretends not to. He thinks it'll all be okay when the kids go to school. But it won't. I don't see how I can ever get better.
I need a life and I don't have one. I wish I were dead.
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Post by yoyo on Apr 24, 2006 16:57:39 GMT
Hi Bagpuss - so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. This illness stinks doesn't it?! Just when you think you're making headway it feels like you're back at square one or worse.
Please, please try to go back to the doctor or get some sort of professional help for this - you don't have to go it alone. Talk as much as you need to on here - we're here for you.
I can relate so well to how you say you are at the moment, the darkness and lack of joy or fun or smiles or just connecting with any emotions is horrible. I was at a point where I couldn't care less about my baby or myself let alone any one else.
Please keep talking x x x
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Post by monica on Apr 25, 2006 17:41:18 GMT
Dear Bagpuss
i'm sorry things have gotten bad for you. Please try and get some support. You don'thave to feel like this.
As for the practicalities of getting someone to look after your kids when you go to counselling, have you tried Home start. I had a few visits and one of the things the volunteer suggested was she cuold baby sit if there was anything I needed to do. Or maybe you could try and find a baby sitter/childinder for few hours if you can afford it.
I got PNi after my second child. There was a 4 1/2 year gap between teh two of them. My babe was perfect. He would only be up once a night for a feed and was so easy. My eldest was quite self sufficient, and I still got PNI.
Lookign after kids, no matter how much you love them is so consuming. To be honest, it did my head in. I found that beign at home and not having any time to myself was awful. Is there anything you could do just to get a bit of 'me ' time? Perhaps when your husband's at home or at teh weekends?
I find that now exercise really lifts me. I've had blips and I'm convinced exercise brought me out of it.
I know how it feels like when life is so bleak. I hoep things pick up for you.
Love
Monica
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Post by bagpuss on Apr 25, 2006 18:13:04 GMT
I have no support. My family who I don't get on with) is in Yorkshire - I live in Essex. My husband's family consists of his 70 year old mother, and his 43 year old sister, her husband and kids 16 and 12. They don't like me and never have.
I am supposed to be seeing a counsellor - but I don't want to go raking up everything that happened in the past again to yet another person. I'm tired of going over everything, analysing it, trying to make sense of it. There is no sense to be made. I hate it.
I just want everything to change from this point on. I want to start over, start a fresh. I want the energy to get out of bed in a morning and feel good about the day ahead. I want to be able to play with my kids and enjoy it - but I have no idea how to play with an almost 4 year old, almost 2 year old and an almost 1 year old. I would like to keep my house clean and tidy, the laundry up to date, hot fresh prepared meals on the table. But I don't have the skills to do these things.
I'm only 23. Surely this isn't how my life should be?
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Post by cheshire on Apr 25, 2006 20:42:59 GMT
Hi Bagpuss
I do understand what you're saying about meals, entertaining, housework etc. - except that you must be wonderwoman, as I only have 2.
It must get easier I think, hope you don't mind me replying
HopefulXXX
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Post by bagpuss on Apr 26, 2006 19:32:45 GMT
No, I don't mind you replying Hopeful. It's wonderful to hear I am not alone in this feeling.
Today was a much brighter, more positive day. I always feel a bit better when the sun shines.
My wonderful husband gave up his night of vegging on the sofa in front of the tv to help me crack on with some basic chores last night; hoovering, cleaning kitchen floor, tackling laundry, dusting. We achieved a lot, and I felt like a weight had been lifted this morning when I came down to clear floors and surfaces.
I am booked in for some counselling; I'm going for an assessment on the 15th May.
I achieved getting one load of laundry done, and even took the boys to the park and took some photographs! Amazing!
So today has been a "good day" - thank you all for your kind words of support.
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Post by cheshire on Apr 26, 2006 20:10:29 GMT
Hi again, Glad to hear you felt a bit better today and I agree, the sun shining really helps doesn't it? I know just what you mean about 'getting around the house' in terms of cleaning - like a weight lifted. My hubby will do this too if I beg!! No, that's not fair, he will mind the kids whenever I realise that it's all got on top of me - the process of cleaning and tidying up can be daunting at the start, but I always feel better when it's done Hope your assessment goes well, I found counselling and psychotherapy really helped. I am a great believer now, that it can work. Let us know how you get on? Love and hugs HopefulXX
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Post by yoyo on Apr 27, 2006 9:10:50 GMT
Glad ot hear you had a better day yesteday bagpuss - try to hang on to that feeling to get you through the not so good days
Take things steady x
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