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Post by bagpuss on Jul 18, 2006 15:14:45 GMT
Unfortunately there are going to be many more bleak days ahead.
I came downstairs on Sunday morning to find hubby in tears in fron of the PC. I knew he hadn't been sleeping properly when we were away the previous week on holiday, but I just put it down to being in a strange bed and the heat. I asked him what was wrong and he just kept saying over and over again "I've ruined us, I've ruined us..." I looked at the computer screen and read the spreadsheet. We're £80,000 in debt. We almost can't make the mortgage payment this month, and have had to go to his mother for help.
I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I knew we had some credit card bills that were quite high, but hubby has just gotten a pay rise at work and a huge chunk of back-pay. But we're apparantly spending twice what we have coming in due to loan and credit card re-payments.
Fortunately nothing is secured on the house, but things are going to be really, really tight. It's my two eldests' birthdays in a couple of weeks' time. Anything I had planned for their birthdays is pretty much out of the window. My little girl is going to be 4 and had her heart set on goiung to the safari park for her treat, and having a dolls' house for her room. I so desperately want her to have these things as she is so good, and innocent and doesn't deserve what her supid parents have done. Why should she suffer? Fortunately my eldest boy is only going to be 2 and doesn't really understand the whole fuss of birthdays yet.
What really hurts is that he didn't tell me we were in such dire financial difficulties. I feel so betrayed and so hurt. I can't believe he's kept things from me; he's always said he can't stand deceit and lies. ANd yet he's doen this. I just don't understand.
I feel so lost and hopeless.
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Post by bagpuss on Jul 19, 2006 8:17:15 GMT
Things seem a tad brighter today; hubby and I sat and talked through a lot of stuff last night. Will write more later.
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Post by Veritee on Jul 19, 2006 15:06:09 GMT
Oh Bagpuss
I am so sorry - I really do know what this is like in that my self and my husband have been in the position of spending more than we can afford and in debt several times in our 20 years we have been together and got out of it only to do it again.....
I can not deny that this is a lot of money and I have not yet owed that much although I have owed more than I can comfortably pay off.
but I have a friend who owed more and got out of this situation - it is possible to deal with it . My brother also had simular problems moslty from unpaid tax, and he went bankrupt to deal with it. That was many years ago and now it does not affect his life at all.
I am also really very sorry about your daughters birthday - but perhaps it is best it has come out now before you spend more money - I know how much a dolls house can be and a day at a Safari Park................. But perhaps you can think of a way of letting her have just one of those things not both or even say you can not afford a Safari park this year and take her to a nearer local and more affordable attraction?
I am sure in the end she will not mind as I discovered - too late for me - that children of 4 or even 5 or 10 do soon forget as long as they have a nice day!!
At the time it was often just so important I got my daughter what she asked for - I felt I needed to so she would love me for it
- but at 17 she can now not remember what she got for her birthdays even though at times I spent hundreds!!!
All she remembers is having her friends round or having a nice cake!!!
We do take responsibility ourselves for our overspending -
but we all live also in a climate that seems to suggest that all these things are necessary for our children and ourselves to have, and one that encourages us to take out credit to get them even if we have no actual money to pay for them!!
I am getting on now - 53 - and do remember a time when if you did not have the money you did not get - and us children made do and made our own toys out of old sheets and sticks - but I also have been unable to stick with these principles I grew up with and have been in debt also
Barry my husband and I these days do our best to share the responsibility -
But in the past if anything I have to say that as he is at sea for about 8 months of a year and I do all the household accounts and pay all the bills my problem is that he does have a tendency to blame me for any debts as he is not at home to spend any money..... and I had a tendency to try to protect him from our financial situation.
So I have had the opposite problem to you
- it was more often me in front of a spread sheet crying my eyes out feeling I have ruined us with my spending and lack of financial management ?? And while it is true that he is not here to spend day to day -
It was unfair for me - and him - to blame me totally just as it is unfair for your partner to feel that it is all his fault.
Most of what we spent went on our house, our child and was down to decisions we made together about what we wanted in life ...
So now we share the responsibility - we get it wrong sometimes still but it works much better this way.
I would have thought that the reason your husband took it all on himself was because he wanted to protect you and your children and provide you with the things you and your children want and need ( and of course spend on the things he wanted too)
Perhaps also the fact you were not well figured in this too - as he would have wanted to buy the things the family needed and to protect you from any difficulties financial or otherwise - as he would not have wanted to worry you further - so try not to see this as deceit it sound like he just wanted to protect you?
Just as I felt as my husband works so hard and has to be away from us at sea to earn a living I wanted him to have a good life when he was back and not to want for the things he wanted to buy.
I did work full time also myself for many years but even with two incomes we got into trouble and I think this was because we did not share the responsibility and one of us - me - was trying to protect the other form financial reality.
So of course when he wanted to spend when I knew we had no money in the bank or were in debt I felt I could not stop him as if I did I would have to be honest and tell him the true financial situation - but I did not want to do this as I did not want to upset him and felt with only a few months at home a year he deserved to be able to buy things when he was home!
So perhaps your hubby was trying to protect you in the same way as I tried to protect my family?
So congratulations in having this talk - this really is the way to go and a debt counselor or financial adviser can also help you a lot.
Have you thought of going to one ?
These days many people do and they can really set you back on the path to being in credit.
We re- mortgaged once or twice which helped - but you can only do this if you have a house that is worth more than the mortgage - but their are other options.
However I would advise if I may? that you do not try to sort it totally alone - get expert help it is amazing how debt counselors and advisor's can think of ways forward that never would occur to you
Good luck and let us know how it goes?
Love VeriteeX
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Post by monica on Jul 19, 2006 15:24:59 GMT
Hi
I'm sorry things are difficult at the moment. It's horrible to have large debts hanging over you. If you're stuck as to repayments, contact the Citizens Advice Bureau. I'm pretty sure they offer advice.
I know it's your daughters' birthdays, but maybe stick to something small. You can get doll's houses through local ads/e-bay etc which cost a fraction fo the price and Ibet your daughter wouldn't notice.
I guess your hubby was tryign to protect you from the pain, but at least you know now. I'm sure you'll find a way to sort things out even if it takes a few years.
Take care
Monica
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Post by bagpuss on Aug 26, 2006 11:52:30 GMT
I'm beginning to feel worse and worse. I think I am heading for a nervous breakdown. I can't feel positive about anything anymore. I don't look forward to things. I don't want to leave the house. I don't even want to shower and get dressed. I just want to get away. I keep looking at the knives in the kitchen and the left-over painkillers and think that everyone would be so much better off if I were dead. I'm not being a good mother, as I just hide in here away from the kids. I haven't even gotten them dressed today. I just keep feeling so angry with myself for having had them, and making their lives miserable. They deserve better than me. I'm horrible, horrible person who doesn't deserve such beautiful children and such a lovely husband. I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I think I love him, but how can I if I'm putting him through all of this? If only he could be stronger and and shake me out of this. But it's me that needs to shake me out of it. My responsibility. My bloody depression that's ruining everyone else's life. Oh gods - I am so angry, and frustrated and cross and unhappy... just a ball of negative energy. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Just being stuck, at home, with a dirty house, and dirty children, and feeling dirty myself and not even having the energy to change it becauise everything just gets dirty again. Oh help...
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Post by yoyo on Aug 26, 2006 16:39:02 GMT
Bagpuss = you are doing so well - sturggling on with this awful illness - I know at the moment you feel the outlook is dreadful and you can't carry on like this - I too have been there, I too have had the knives yelling at me and even had them to my wrists so I can understand your sadness and desparation I really can. I also can relate to hating your kids and your life, feeling they dont deserve someone like you 'ruining' their lives - IT IS SO NOT TRUE!! As my hubby always used to remind me that my son needed me even if I was a poorly mummy. I didn't believe him at all - but can see it now.
Please please do not feel guilty for how you are - this is not the real you, the real you is in there somewhere but just can't get out just now - she will return though and be better than ever you can imagine x x
PLEASE get help if you can, even if it's just some 'you' time or talk to your GP or a close friend or nhsdirect or on here - it really does help to talk about how you feel x x x Thinking of you x
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Post by cheshire on Aug 26, 2006 20:40:13 GMT
Hi Bagpuss
I agree with Yoyo in all that she says - we're here if you need to talk.
Look after yourselfx
Thinking of you, Hopefulxxx
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Post by bagpuss on Aug 28, 2006 17:50:30 GMT
Thank you all. Having somewhere to say all this stuff is a help. And the fact I don't know any of you all helps in a way. I'm not the sort of person who can ever let on if anything is bothering me to my friends. I don't like letting people know I'm only human, my husband says. I'm too much of a perfectionist.
Will write more later - I think hubby is drowning the youngest judging by the screams froim the bathroom!
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Post by sarajay28 on Aug 28, 2006 18:03:27 GMT
Hi Bagpuss,
What a horrible horrible situation you are in right now, but can i say things will get better, very hard to believe but they will. I made myself bankrupt just over 2 years ago now for various reasons and it hasn't affected me quite as much as i thought and just the pressure being lifted was a huge relief. Like the other girls have said, goa nd get advise there are many people and organisations out there to help you. My mum has just been in contact with the national debtline and has said they are fantastic, non judgemental and veyr very helpful and she was on on the verge of a breakdown due to her shopaholic tendancies! But seriously it would be a great relief for you just to share the burden with someone who isn't as closely involved as you and your husband. I think all mum/women tend to be perfectionists, god i know i am, don't feel guilty about it, it can be a good trait sometimes and try to remember that you are ill, look after yourself.
We are all here for you. I too find it easier to offload onto strangers!!!
Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by bagpuss on Aug 28, 2006 22:27:06 GMT
Thanks, Sarah. Talked this over with hubby tonight - who went out to get me a mini-bottle of white wine and a cheeseburger to cheer me up, bless him. He is trying so hard to understand, and that helps. The money situation we have in hand; we're remortgaging for now, and Mr. Bagpuss going to look for jobs out of London, so we can move to somewhere of a similar size that will be cheaper. I want out of East Anglia, as I feel I belong in the west. I really don't fit in here in the south-east. And the financial trouble has brought us closer in a strange way. We are at least talking more now. A friend has offered to pay for me to do an A Level course in English Literature which, apart from making me ball my eyes out with gratitude, has given me a bit of a boost. At last soemthing I can aim for for me!!! And it will provide a welcome distraction from the mundanities of cleaning, cooking etc. And I am rediscovering my love of photography. I am good at it, and I will make it work. Can you sense the positivity? Remind me of this in my low moments, girls!
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Post by bam02 on Aug 28, 2006 22:36:45 GMT
Wow you have a good friend its hard I have some too. But i don't always appreciate them! Well done to you!
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Post by sarajay28 on Aug 29, 2006 7:56:29 GMT
Yeah you really do have a good friend there, something rare in the world today!! How go`od that its brought you and your hubby closer too. I too am starting college tomorrow cos i wanted to do something for ME! i hope everything works out for you and your hubby. Please keep us updated on how your doing, and well done for sorting this out.
Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by bagpuss on Aug 30, 2006 9:24:48 GMT
God I feel awful again. Just so tired. No motivation to do anything.
Went to bed finally at 1am. As I was climbing in to bed I just burst into tears, and I have no idea why. Woke my poor husband up, so I cried some more because I felt bad about that. He held me while I sobbed, but obviously needs his sleep so we couldn't talk about anything. And I desperately need someone to talk to.
And now I'm crying again. Went to sleep crying, woke up crying. I didn't get out of bed for an hour and half this morning. I just can't face it. I hate the dirty house, I hate trying to make the children eat their breakfasts, unloading and loading the dishwasher, the mess. Then they go in the lounge and make that a mess. And all the while I just hide in here. Haven't even dressed them yet. I am so sick of the dirty nappies and the smell and never feeling clean.
I can't do this anymore. I hate myself and I hate the mess my life has become.
I want to go and see the GP, but I need hubby to come withme. I need that support. And he can't take any time off until Friday afternoon, and they have no appointments then. So it has to be the 8th of September. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might do something silly between now and then. Oh help me.
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Post by yoyo on Aug 30, 2006 9:59:44 GMT
I can so understnad your post - that could have been me on my bad days not so long back x x It's just awful dreading each day and just wanting everything to stop. The emotional fatigue and crying is unbearable at times and I know what you mean about needing the support.
Please don't beat yourself up about not being dressed or having the house how you want, on a good day you'll whip through it no problem at all x x x You are doing just fab - keep talking x x x It's a real shame you can't get to the GP any sooner - is there anyway you could maybe have the GP ring you just so you can talk through things with him/her and then go for tha appoitnemnt in sept - tel him/her how you are doing - it might reassure you. x x x x
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Post by bagpuss on Aug 30, 2006 10:22:23 GMT
I'm so low all the time. I don't have any good days. I barely have good moments. Just spoke to my hubby on the phone and he can't help.
I really am considering leaving. My family don't deserve this. They are beautiful and all I do is make them miserable.
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