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Post by bagpuss on Aug 31, 2006 15:00:48 GMT
Feel a bit better today. Struggled to get out of bed from 8am-9am when I finally dragged myself to the shower. Fortunately all the children are really good about just sitting in their rooms and playing quietly.
Very slow morning; couldn't eat breakfast with the children really, but I sat and fed Oskar his porridge okay, and did the "praise the good behaviour, ignore the bad behaviour" bit which worked like a charm this morning.
Spent too long faffing on the PC and Osky got rather loud and tearful beacuse I was in the office where he can't see me. But I didn't react being shouting and screaming back like I have been, so that's positive.
Eventually we got moving, went to mother care and got some new shoes and clothes - success!
Lunch went reasonably well, and both boys seem to be asleep now. Which is a relief as they were getting quite whingey.
And Freya and I have just made two dozen Fairy cakes which we are going to ice later. I really enjoyed it actually; she helped me clean the kitchen after lunch and weight the things. She even broke an egg into the bowl! I think we both genuinely enjoyed it.
Mr. Bagpuss will be home just after 6pm, then all I have to do is cook supper and I can put my feet up. Not too shabby a day - I hope.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 31, 2006 15:01:07 GMT
I've already replied to your post but your last entry made me want to post here too.
Your family love you and do not want to be without you. Good luck at the doctor on Tuesday and hang on in there. You will start to feel better xx
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 4, 2006 17:07:43 GMT
Ended up havng to go to the doctor today, as last night I really lost it. I got angry with Mr. Bagpuss for telling his sister about me being depressed. Really angry; I shoued and screamed and cried. In the end, I was pacing the kitchen with a knife in my hand threatening to doo all kinds of things to myself. I don't remember what exactly. It's all just a blur. Anyways, it ended up with Mr. Bagpuss putting me to bed and taking today off to look after the children as I'm just not in a fit state. He went with me to see the GP today, who is referring me to the Mental Health Team urgently. He's alos given me some sleeping pills and some new anti-depressants. I still don't feel better though. I don't know; the GP didn't really seem to be taking it seriously. Like he doesn't really get it. I dunno. I just wish it was easier for people to understand.
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 4, 2006 19:05:59 GMT
Well the mental health team came to see me this evening. They took one look and asked why didn't I just get a nanny in so I could have some respite? I said that wasn't possible with the financial situation we're in. Then they said I didn't have PNI as I have never rejected the children. I didn't think that was a necessary symptom? What I actually have is reactory depression due to having three small children and such a busy life. "Just dripping tap stressors. Take your new pills." I might just take the whole bloody lot. What do these people want? Bloody wrists and neglected children? How on earth am I supposed to get any help? If I were an alcoholic or a drug addict or a gambler someone would help - why can't they help me? It's just so unfair.
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Post by sianyc on Sept 4, 2006 19:52:18 GMT
Get a nanny in. What sort of advice is that? Do they have any idea how the real life works?
I hope your new anti-d's work better for you.
Have you tried the APNI website. They have a number you can call and you can register for a counsellor there too. It's staffed by volunteers who have had PNI and recovered. I'm waiting for them to contact me at the moment and they come highly recommended.
Take care x
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Post by monica on Sept 4, 2006 19:56:08 GMT
Hi
What planet is this mental health team on? Nannies? Do they have any idea how much they cost? And more to the point, many if not most women with PNI don't reject their children.
I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish experience with these so called professionals. AS you noted, many people just don't understand this illness. The symptoms are so varied. It must be so frustrating for you.
Is there another gp at your surgery who you could visit? Maybe another one would at the very least be more understanding? Your HV? ARe you on meds (sorry have been on this site sporadically so can't remember?)
If you don't mind me asking, what exactly made you so angry about your hubby telling his sister about you being unwell? Do you get on with his sister? Maybe she'd asked or maybe he just wanted to share what was going on with her. He sounds like a kind man. I'm sure he didn't realise how it would make you feel.
I hoep things are better for you this evening.
Take care
monica
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 4, 2006 20:21:43 GMT
Get a nanny in. What sort of advice is that? Do they have any idea how the real life works? I hope your new anti-d's work better for you. Have you tried the APNI website. They have a number you can call and you can register for a counsellor there too. It's staffed by volunteers who have had PNI and recovered. I'm waiting for them to contact me at the moment and they come highly recommended. Take care x I hope that they will kick in soon, but there is a bumpy 2-4 weeks of waiting for them to start working, isn't there? As for contacting APNI, I'm in so much doubt about whether or not what I am suffering with is PNI now. Maybe I'm just destined to be a miserable person?
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 4, 2006 20:35:27 GMT
Hi What planet is this mental health team on? Nannies? Do they have any idea how much they cost? And more to the point, many if not most women with PNI don't reject their children. I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish experience with these so called professionals. AS you noted, many people just don't understand this illness. The symptoms are so varied. It must be so frustrating for you. Is there another gp at your surgery who you could visit? Maybe another one would at the very least be more understanding? Your HV? ARe you on meds (sorry have been on this site sporadically so can't remember?) If you don't mind me asking, what exactly made you so angry about your hubby telling his sister about you being unwell? Do you get on with his sister? Maybe she'd asked or maybe he just wanted to share what was going on with her. He sounds like a kind man. I'm sure he didn't realise how it would make you feel. I hoep things are better for you this evening. Take care monica I didn't think what he said was right - but as he is the "professional" how can I disagree? There is another GP, but she's only there on Monday mornings, so it's a bit awkward to get to see her. I'll think about that as an option though, thank you. The health visitor doesn't really seem to know what she's doing at all, and her manner is patronising at best. The GP has taken me off lofepramine (gamanil) today and prescribed Sertraline and a week's worth of sleeping tablets. I just don't see how the sleeping tablets will help me get out of bed in a morning. And it was my pride that made me so angry about Mr. Bagpuss telling his sister; it's my business and I don't like showing any possible sign of "weakness" that people could use against me. I don't know if that is me or the depression/paranoia talking. And she is quite a gossip. I was paranoid she'd tell people about it. He only told her because we needed her to look after the children for half-an-hour while he went with me to the GP. He's a wonderful man, and is doing so well coping with me and my black moods.
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Post by sianyc on Sept 5, 2006 18:37:36 GMT
Hey Bagpuss
The APNI helpline number 020 7386 0868
I've copied and pasted the names and hours they are open for you below.
Mondays 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. Donna & Marian Tuesdays 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Siobhan & Linda Wednesdays 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. Donna & Marian Thursdays 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Siobhan & Linda Fridays 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. Donna & Marian
Try talking to them, they have to be better than the experience you've had with the mental health team and the GP.
I can remember being less than impressed when my husband told my mother I was ill. I wanted to look strong and like I could cope with it all.
Also, a friend's husband (the friend suffered with PNI until recently) has said the man obviously needs to talk too. Is your husband close to his sister and could she be there for him to talk to. I know it's hard to deal with feelingpeople are talking about you, but he will need to talk about how he's feeling and perhaps some female advice would be good.
Take care x
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Post by monica on Sept 6, 2006 3:05:33 GMT
Dear Bagpuss
How are things today? Are you feeling any better?
Thinking of you
Monica
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 6, 2006 14:50:21 GMT
I am and I'm not - if that makes any sense. Mr. Bagpuss was so unhappy with the way I was being treated that he phoned our GP and explained what the MHT had said, and he agreed it was out of order. He has accelerated my referral, and the Home Crisis Team phoned me today to make an appointment to see me along with a doctor tomorrow. Funnily enough, I felt better after a few things happened: a) Mr. Bagpuss taking control of the situation, talking to the doctors etc has made a big difference. b) Telling some close friends in Cyber-Space how low I have been - they're all really understanding and I don't have to "pretend" to be normal anymore. c) Speaking to the nurse from the MHT on the phone (the one who said that I couldn't have PNI). I actually got quite cross with him and said "Look, just because I am the sort of person who bottles it all up, and can put on this well-crafted mask of normality doesn't mean I'm not screaming for help! And when I feel like people don't believe me, I doubt myself which just makes things worse!" Quite nervous about tomorrow though...
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Post by sianyc on Sept 9, 2006 8:07:05 GMT
How did it go?
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 11, 2006 10:32:01 GMT
Okay. They don't think I do have PNI, though I am depressed and that the childbirth etc may be related. A lot of it is to do with my childhood, and my current lack of any meaningful support with the children, and near isolation isn't helping. They've upped my Sertraline to 100mg and I'm on sleeping tablets. They are going to refer me to a really good counselling service near here, but currently there is a huge waiting list. In the mean time, they are coming out to see me everyday, and just have a chat and a coffee so I won't feel so low and lonely, which is a huge help. On the more positive side of things I photographed a wedding on Saturday with a friend of mine who is a pro. He did the formal set-ups and I did the "reportage"; candid shots of faces, details such as the flowers, buttonholes, rings. Just a bit more arty than the "carrot shots".
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Post by cheshire on Sept 11, 2006 16:01:21 GMT
Hi Bagpuss The photos are fantastic! Really like them. We had someone alongside the main photographer at our wedding - doing shots a bit like this in black and white.... It really helped to catch the moment and the atmosphere! Hopefulxx
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Post by bagpuss on Sept 13, 2006 9:39:47 GMT
Thanks Hopeful.
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