Newwie diary

[newwie]

I think that i will start today and start to write things down as i seem to sometimes forget how bad things can be and how good they can be sometimes.
Today mixed feelings have been suffering really bad panic attacks rather strange as i had them before but they have increased in severity. I even went to the gp as the pains and breathing was so bad. but it was a rubbish gp never advised me on what to do etc yeh yeh sort of attitude.
I have been thinking about aswell that i do need to confront my illness which i think is probably the first step.
I do know that i need help and guidance and i need to start telling the truth to people when they ask.
Its hard and very scary the thing is i get like this then tommorow it may be a different thing.
I think thought that to trust people i need to deal with the abuse and rape issue's so that then i can ask for help with the pni does that make sense. I think it does to me anyway.
I have so many anxious and doubts about how and when i should do things with my daughter and also i need to speak to my mother about the time that i was born as she will not talk about it and i need to have some answers to the questions that i have. Ie Did she have pp pr pni what was it why was she in hospital why did she take an overdose etc and i know its gonna be hard but i would like to know these things. She hides my mother a lot like i do and that's prob doesn't help me at all and i think im gonna have to be a bit selfish and do this for me for a chamge.
The pni is still there and i am aware that it is there i still have the visions, the panic attacks that have now become more freqant and worse in severity. But i have also mastered in another way that i can look like i did before i had g i have mastered the fact of doing my hair and losing weight in an attempt of hiding the fact of my feelings i think that i have definetly mastered that so much that my h.v even thinks that i look totally better now.
I wish sometimes that i didnt have this and that i could look how i feel but i cant do it.
I know it feels to me like i have taken on more than i can chew but im gonna try to sort it bit by bit i have to for my future and sanity and my daughters future.
So the first step i suppose is to see if i can get teh answers of my mum and maybe that will help a bit.
Then im gonna see if i can make an appointment with the gp but i am scared i must admitt very scared infact, but it has to be done i know it does im sick of this taking over my life im the person here i need to be in control not my thoughts and behaviour patterns.
Anyway have to add to this later have to go to physio.
Newwie

[newwie]

Im so dissapointed went round my mums today and sat with her all on own and you know what i couldnt speak to her. The thoughts raced round my head in how i could ask her things and i couldnt do it.
How do you ask someone that you know will be cagey about it and then get all emotional with me the questions that i need to ask.
I went to the town aswell today and went to walk to the gp surgery and walked back again i couldnt even go and see my h.v i couldnt do it and its so dissapointing.
I feel like im such a liar for some reason that im not telling the truth if i tell people how i feel. Why is that? I dont think i will ever know what that answer will be.
Anyway i didnt do what i set out to do two simple things and i couldnt do it.
But why, why can i not just be like some people this is the way it is.
I feel so stupid in doing this and felt like people were staring at me for walking to the gp surgery and back again without getting there.
I dont know what to do nowmaybe think about this again tommorow.
Newwie

[cheshire]

Newwie

Do you have any bros or sisters that you can talk to first? Then your mum.

Also, I only found out when I was v. poorly that my mum had PNI too - so that was recent and firstly mentioned by my dad, not mum.

Hxxx

[newwie]

Hi
I have two brothers but we do not talk like that in this family that's what's so hard about it all. My brother who was hospitalised just doesnt and won't talk about it in the past move on they say.
So no is the answer really.
But im gonna keep trying maybe the right moment will come up soon eh. Or basically i will have to build the courage up.
But today went to physio and did quite well my fitness has improved on the shuttle test they have done not fantastic but has improved which is a start.
I have today though been very concerned now about the way that the visions have not gone yet and they do concern me a lot.
I dont know what is happening i think that im improving in other areas and getting worse in others.
But i still have the nursery placement and im gonna see if i can use this wisely and get some additional help well some help as i have none for a while now and i dont have the right answers myself i need a little bit of help really if you know what i mean.
I had a call from my ex again yesturday and that hasnt helped he has split with his ex after she has just had a baby and she has moved back to her mums and there was a lot said but i just am not sure i think he knows that im quite vunerable and he is taking advantage but i am gonn atry and stay strong and stick to my guns on this one and not let him back if he has cheated one he will do it again is my policy.
Newwie

[newwie]

Today has been a hell of a day really got woke up at 5.30am this morning after spending all last night on the phone to my ex didnt get to bed till well past one and then couldn't sleep due to things flying round in my head about it all.
Then went to college and have had hell of a headache and stressed about things i can just feel the stress its unbelievable, how stressed i ge tover simple things though been a min late or not remembering to do something.
But im home now and still feel the same have put g to bed and have now two assignments to get done and loads of maths homework and exercises to do and i cannot concentrate at all.
Maybe i have bitten off more than i can chew but i used to study and have six assignments on the go at once before and it never fazed me at all and had a great socia life i dont know how i did it, i really dont.
But i cannot help feeling guilty and hate leaving g as i know she hasnt eaten properly today and been given whatever she wants from the min i left her to picking her up and she has been a nightmare it so shows on her behaviour and she so missed me and told me that and gave me loads of cuddles but all i did was tell her to get off. I just cannot stand it when she goes on and on for more and more cuddles it feels like she suffercates me then i feel so bad for feeling like this.
But i cannot seperate my felings for her i just havent learnt how to yet.
But i have a dreadfull day tommorow i have benifits agency comming out tommorow and they have to check my details on the benifits that i recieve to make sure im not ripping them off. Wish i could but just don't have a clue on weather i should be receiving more than i should anyway.
But feel anxious about that and the other stresses i just cannot shake off.
My head is going to explode i feel that bad.
newwie

[newwie]

I went ot the gp's today as my headaches are getting so much worse and been constant now for three days. He checked me over and advised that its just tension headache he advised that i should go back onto the anti-d's. He said that i have ben now three times with pain in different areas and nothing wrong really.
I felt so stupid but i have advised that yes i am under a lot of stress and he has prescribed me a sedative for the time being and wants me to go back in two weeks time to talk to him again.
I feel so dissapointed its like i try and have improved in some areas but maybe thats just down to the fact that im trying to hide my feelings without realising. Im not sure really.
To be honest i dont know what to do, do i give in and have another bash again at the anti-d's or just leave it and keep going as i am maybe the stress will go after time itself.
I dont know.
I made the decision today though that i wasn't going to hide it from my parents and they did ask what he said so i told them, stress and also wanted to put me on anti-d's and also that im having panic attacks. They said nothing apart from well what do you expect it's stressfull when you have a child and try to study. It will blow over.
This si so dissapointing they expect me to share with them what i feel yet don't offer me any support. I get so confused at this, then she went out and bought herself some flowers. What a joke.
I just so get the feeling that really i am on my own really with it all. Idont understand what i have done that they will not offer me support but yet when they are ill i have to do loads and offer sympathey. I think really it comes down to the fact that they cannot see a mental illness, but there again when i was in surger maybe comming out paralised they didnt even bother to call and see how i was or get the plane home to stop my daughter getting stressed over it aswell. There excuse was that they didnt think it was that serious and they couldnt get a flight that was cheap enough to return.
Well i am so so upset about it all, and the stress is really showing as i have not cried in ages but today i did i left them and came home and sat and cried i thought it might of made it better but it didnt, it seems to just make me crying more and more now.
I have so much to do assignments and homework i have to get started on it i suppose as it will not do itself.
Newwie

[newwie]

God what a day today, still have my headache even though the gp prescribed me sedatives and to be honest he said they would make me sleepy have they nothing. I don't feel tierd at all.
I feel as if i am on overdrive. Yesturday i rushed around all day to be honest to fit in a bit of time for me but it was not realxed at all due to the fact i had 1 hour i had to get home, changed, to gym, do my work out, get home showered and changed all in that time.
I just seem to not want to sit and do anything that needs a lot of concentration yet i need to be busy, but feel like i need to slow down as my head is pounding and i feel tierd but not in a way i cannot explain it at all.
Today whilst i was out i saw my ct therapist who hasnt contacted me in ages she smiled when we caught each others eyes. And i started to panic had chest pains etc and i was like no way she has seen me with my mother she now knows what she looks like, and then i thought she was prob looking at me and thinking what a liar there is nothing wrong with her. Paroniod i know but i cannot help thinking it and to be hones ti say im paroniod but i really do think that she is thinking that and she will tell others.
It frightened me and still feel not right about it tonight have thought about it all day.
I have a day tommorow and i am going to try to catch my h.v and see if she can refer me to the councillor. I dont know how to go about it all though. Im scared but need to do this in one way, im frightened that she will think things of me aswell and go to other people and tell them and they will laugh and say that im stupid etc behind my back.
I dont know the GP was helpfull the other day but i need something doing rather than later. But he said i have to make a routine appointment for this god it will take me a week or so to get in to see him at least, and if i go to someone else he will prob be like why have you come to see me why not the other gp wait. Stop been so impatient.
God i hate this i even ramble on in this diary god help me if i had to handwrite it all.
But at hte moment feel paroniod, stressed, upset, angry etc etc
Today though i have realised even though i have said im not crying every day i have really in a way sort to speak, i have tears come to my eyes for nothing and i have just brushed the tears out of my eyes and carried on. I think this is classed as crying i dont know, i think if i didnt pull myself together when i got the eyes fill up etc then i would be crying everyday, or is this me again making a mountain out of a molehill. I dont know.
Newwie

[newwie]

HI
What a day already and only approaching about 11am.
I got up this morning and felt like i hadnt even been asleep, so i decided to go to the gym dropped g at nursery and went worked out and came home. As soon as i walked into the house i started to have a panic attack and its lasted quite a while. I tried to calm myself down by doing slow breathing etc but it makes me wonder why all of a sudden no build up or anything wham there.
But i suppose as i knew that i had things to do today ie phone back h.v and call someone else i went into panic mode without even thinking about it.
I called my h.v and unfortunetly she isnt back till tommorow but i have left a message and i know she will call me back when she returns tommorow. So i have done the first bit now i have to concentrate on following the other steps through now. I feel i have to now as i cannot change my mind i can't just turn around and say that it doesnt matter.
Which i suppose is better for me as it will push me as i think that no matter how stressed im getting i have to push my self to get through this black place to come out at the other end.
So lets see how the rest of the day goes.
To be honest the house is a pig sty and i mean its really bad i cannot see any floor in the house apart from the toilet and the bathroom and its so bad pots every where etc. Im going to see if i can tackle that today i have let that go as i think im looking after me a bit more ie gym, looking better hair done etc and i cannot seem to do everything all at once.
Anyway hope the day improves and i calm myself down a bit still shaking mind but im sure that will fade as the day goes on eh.
Newwie

[newwie]

hi
another bad day today, stressed and feel so damn mad. I kicked a few things around the house today ie toys etc just because i feel so mad.
I have totally lost it in the patience side of things i went to the bank today and there was a queue and i just wanted to push and fight everyone in there and tell them to move as they just were in my way and then i wanted to shout at the people saying they were not working fast enough. Where has this come from?
My h.v also called whilst i was out and i missed the call and i cannot face calling her back today as i properbly lose my rag with her aswell. I just can't understand the anger that i have and were it has come from.
I just feel at a loss and that i'm giving it my all but nothing works. Im starting to think that maybe i dont have pni maybe its something else and i have a obsession with feeling unwell all the time.
I just dont know anymore. I just keep thinking today just walk into y mothers drop g off and walk out and leave her as i have had enough of it all.
I have made a gp appointment though and its for monday not that long away but its a eternity really in a way. Im just sick of it all i really am sick fed up had enough etc etc.
It doesnt seem to have a pattern either as i have been keeping a diary of my periods as i thought that it came along with them the dip in mood but it's not. So it cannot even be pms. Im just not sure now what it is but i so wish i could get this sorted but every thing seems to take forever and i haven't got ay patience at all now.
Newwie

[yoyo]

Hi Newwie - sorry to hi-jack your thread ...

The anger you mention is a definite symptoms of PNI - for me it meant I was well on the way to recovery although at the time it certainly didn't feel like that. I think we are always looking for patterns in PNI and reasons but eventually we have to accept it's a horrid illness with no rules it seems - although there does seem to be a recovery road that follows a similar pattern. You WILL be free of this - you have your whole life ahead of you and you will love every minute of it once you are back to your old self again. You are doing so well fighting this thing - you are a strong person.

[newwie]

HI
I dont mind you entering my diary at all no not at all, im glad that you have actually as sometimes it feels as if im writing it for myself to read over and over again but it would be nice to have someone say thats what happened to me or give there imput.
Thanks i wish it was a sign that i was getting better but i think that unfortunetly not as i have had this before then i go back and doesnt seem to improve for a long time, so im not hopeful about it really.
But i do understand what your saying as it is supposed to be a sign that your inner self is fighting back so to say.
Lets hope im so wrong eh?
Newwie

[cheshire]

Hi Newwie

How are things with you?

[newwie]

HI
Im sorry i havent been around had a lot on my plate at the min.
I have contacted the councillor but eight week waiting list so waiting for that to go through.
And i have been taking my tablets nearly regularly i always forget and when you have kids you cant leave them out so you can remember to take them and notes are not a good idea as someone will find it im sure, but anyway
im not too bad i suppose still plodding along.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how im gonna approach things with my councillor and what to sayreally.
Im still losing weight which is good i suppose but my blood pressure is still not budging, still 129 over 97 which is extremly high and i have to have it checked again in a couple of weeks but not going down so not much i can do they say relax and stuff but hey you come and help then and take the pressure of losing my house and fighting to keep the computer and phone on and pay gas and electric and everything else eh.
Its a joke i have no trust in the gp's they just make me want to laugh in their faces as they have not got a clue at all.
I saw my h.v and hse never mentioned the call to her and she just said that i looked good as i had lost weight and it really showed. that made me feel a little bit better but she thinks im totally ok with everything doesnt know that im back on anti-d's etc and to be honest i seem to prefer it that way.
But if im not around much i have a lot on my plate and just having a rest and trying to get through this bad patch and see where i go from here.
I will keep trying to get on line and popping in from time to time and let you know how its going.
I miss you all and hope everyone else is having a good time of it at the min.
Newwie

[yoyo]

Thinking of you x x x

[cheshire]

Hi Newwie

Stick with the waiting list - if you can.
I've missed you on here, glad you'll keep popping on.

Love Hopefulx