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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 9, 2005 21:43:11 GMT
I've been thinking about doing this diary thing for a while now but have never got round to it, today i was writing a post on someone elses and thought 'if its helping me to get my feelings out then maybe i should give it a go' so today is the day!! From here on in i'm going to write/rant/rave etc,etc to see if it helps. I have had PNI since B3 was 5 weeks old (he's now 16 weeks) I also had it with B2 when she was 7/8 months old, which i think went hand in hand with the eventual breakdown of my marriage. I have been with my new partner Robbie for 2 1/2 years now and he is fantastic. I'm on Venlafaxine Anti-d's (150mg per day) have been on them now for 2 months and wow, what a difference they have made. At the moment i'm having a 'blip' but this is also coinciding with my period which is due next week! so i'm tending to use that as the trigger as it happened last month too, maybe this diary will help establish a proper pattern? I have many problems with my ex-husband, mainly how he treats the kids, access and generally his attitude towards parenting! and this causes me a great deal of stress! i wish he would dissappear sometimes (most of the time actually!) Today i'm feeling very fed-up and like i could cry for no reason at all. I'm also quite angry but i'm not sure what for? Me and Robbie have fallen out the last two weekends in a row so i'm sort of dreading this weekend incase it happens again as i can't face spending another friday night in tears. We have sorted out the problem (him going out drinking!) but i've planned to go to my neighbours with a bottle of wine on friday and i'm not sure if i'm doing it because i want to or just so he can't go out? How do i sort out my feelings on this? I feel quite confused today too, again i'm not sure why? Why does this bloody illness have no reason!! Anyway, feeling slightly better for getting some of this off my chest. Maybe this diary really will help. Let's see what tomorrow brings?
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Post by cheshire on Nov 9, 2005 21:58:37 GMT
Hi Hun Is this a diary we can crash or not? We don't mind if no - we just need to know Oh, so glad you're with us SJx Hx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 9, 2005 22:02:27 GMT
yeah feel free to crash whenever you like, i feel the replies i get (if any!!) might help me if i'm having a bad day.
Thanks H, just knowing i've got friends makes me feel better.xx
Loadsa love
Sarah.xx
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Post by cheshire on Nov 9, 2005 22:25:21 GMT
Hi SJ, Say whatever you like here and now I know we can crash, we willx Three children - wow , I take my hat off to you..x This illness has no reason you're right. Fed up of it aren't we Please look after you. Hopefully catch you tomorrow. Hxxxxxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 10, 2005 9:35:53 GMT
Well todays a new day! And a much better one.....yay finally!! I knew the 'blip' would be over soon and last night i felt it finally lifting. After starting the diary on here i felt alot calmer and more able to focus on the thought that the blip would pass. After a pretty rubbish night, Nathan has the cold (again) and was up most of the night, although it was rob's turn for the night feed, i actually felt happier when i was awake?! strange i know! i felt 'yes' this is my turning point this time. I find i'm able to pick up on my mood change pretty quick now, maybe because i know that it WILL pass. I've done all my housework for today already, made up the bottles for the day and i just now need to have a shower, so i'm definatley feeling better. Me and my sister have just been planning a day to do our christmas shopping 'online'. Hopefully it will be one day next week althought her baby is due any day now so this could change!! I'm soooooo pleased to be feeling happy again.
Thanks for all your messages H, they really make a difference. Lets hope your blip passes soon aswell then we can all enjoy life!
Loadsa love and take care everyone, thinking of you all.
Sarah.xxxx
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Post by cheshire on Nov 10, 2005 11:37:48 GMT
Hi again,
I'm so glad you're having a better day..I know just what you mean about knowing you're onto a good day when you've done all the jobs before lunch!
Love, Hopefulx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 11, 2005 8:41:18 GMT
Well today is another good day although not as good as yesterday, i had a really good night, Nathan slept from 7.30pm til 3am then from 3.30am til 8.30am this morning and although i slept during these periods i still don't feel as energetic as i did yesterday after having a crappy night!! Very strange how your body reacts isn't it? I read someone else on the forum goes through similar things? (can't remember who now) Still feeling very happy and positive, which is good. Tonight i'm going to my neighbours house to have a bottle of wine with her and a chat, she's a single mum with a very demanding 3 year old daughter so it'll do us both good. As i said before in my diary, i'm not sure if i'm going for me or just so that Robbie doesn't go out and we end up having a row again!! I'm just gonna go and hopefully enjoy myself, after all i'm having a child free night! my first for a few weeks. We haven't got any plans for today, Rob has a day off college so i think just lazing about the house as its so cold here today again, i think we'll be in for snow soon! Wonder how i'll feel then? Over analysing again!!! I'm very bad for doing that but i know its quite a common 'women' thing especially those of us with this horrible illness! Anyway not going to dwell on it today, want to continue having a good day. Love and Hugs to everyone.
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Post by cheshire on Nov 11, 2005 10:12:57 GMT
Hi SJ Glad things are still going steady. Your evening out sounds really nice - there is always something just so nice about being in someone else's house having a glass of wine and a chat. I went to my sisters house last night and it was great - I managed to switch off' from everything - aided by a glass of fizz of course Have a lovely time Hxx
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Nov 12, 2005 4:16:01 GMT
Hey Sarajay...i think it was me who you read going through the same sleeping problems...ie: when u have crap night, you feel great the next day, yet when you get lots of sleep u feel even more tired. I had the same prob in the beginning of my diary lol...it sucks. I'm glad you're doing well sweetie. Its great to hear you so positive!!! Let us know how your night went! Love and Light, Natalie xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 12, 2005 21:53:55 GMT
Well, my night out was fantastic, i didn't come home until 1.30am and she only lives next door! LOL. It was soooo good to have a drink, a girlie chat and no kids (well her daughter was there but was asleep and not MY responsibilty!!) We talked about anything and everything. I've never had a 'proper' friend only mums to say hi to at the school gates so it felt really good like i've now got a friend to share secrets/gossip/men talk etc with. I had a little panic when i came home because when i was on anti-d's after having my daughter, if i drank i would have really horrible physical symptoms the next day and i was a bit worried about that but i seemed fine when i woke up (apart from a slight headache!) anyway my day was going good apart from the kids asking if they were seeing their dad today!! I haven't heard from him all week. We'd arranged to take the kids to a belated firework display tonight and at 2.45pm my ex phoned and said 'i take it i'm not getting the kids today then' !!! ? I was sooo angry but i managed to say a short ''no, we've arranged to take them to the firework display' and he hung up on me!? My kids then decided they were going to their grannie's (she only lives down the road from us) to see if they could sleep with their dad tonight..... I told them that if they stayed at their dad's we weren't going to take them to the display and i felt awful as though i was making them choose between me and their dad. They went anyway and my daughter then phoned and said 'dad said to take us to the display then drop us off at his' at which point i saw red and just said no to which she said they were staying there (i could hear him in the background) and would be home tomorrow! She then told me she loved me and went. I just broke down and have practically been intears ever since! I've just really had enough of his shit! (sorry) it feels like he is the one that pleases himself, lets the kids down all the time, upsets them but then he always gets his way and they worship him. We are the one who give them the attention and love 24/7, we take them places, buy them nice things yet we are forgotten at the drop of a hat!!?? I've just had enough but don't know what to do about it? Any advice??? Apart from all this crap have been feeling pretty good (hard to believe i know!) i enjoyed my break and things between me and Robbie have been getting better this past week. Lets hope that continues.... I just feel as though my happiness never lasts, like i'm not allowed to be happy for too long!! Does anyone else feel like this? Enough ranting for today i think, thats me got it all out and i'm feeling abit better for it. Natalie, your right about 'it sucks' you just can't win can you!! Thanks for your message, it made me smile. Loadsa love to you all Sarah.xxxx
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Post by cheshire on Nov 12, 2005 22:12:46 GMT
hiya SJ So glad you had a drink and enjoyed yourself Ooooo men - hey? Love and hugs Hopefulxxxxxxx
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Nov 13, 2005 0:32:15 GMT
Hi Sarah! What a horrible situation! I would be SO mad aswell! Especially like you said, you're there for your kids all the time yet they still worship there father. How old are your children?? Because i'm sure once they get older they will realise everything you have done and are doing for them and appreciate you alot more. Unfortunately it takes children a while before they even consider what there parents actually do for them. While they're young, it's all about the fun and games, but as you get older it becomes more about your parents being there for you and supporting you in whatever you do. Hang in there sweety. I know its hard, but always remember that later down the track all the wonderful things you do for you children will be appreciated and theyh will thank you for being the FANTASTIC mum that you are. They will know you've ALWAYS cared about them They wil also realise that their father isnt everything he's cracked up to be and had been selfish through their childhood. I know its a long way (if they're still young),but at least remember the day WILL come and you'll feel SO proud! I'm glad you enjoyed your night out! Thats great that you got to have a lovely relaxing night! You deserve it! Take care and i'll talk to you soon! Love and Light, Natalie xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 13, 2005 12:28:50 GMT
Hi Natalie and everyone else,
It is a horrible situation and the fact that i don't know what to do for the best makes it even harder!! I feel like i really have to think hard and take things slowly as whatever i decide to do now could affect my kids for the rest of their lives. And thats what upsets me so much. Because obviously their dad doesn't even have that thought in his head!! If he did he wouldn't treat them the way he does!
Anyway i'm taking it slow and i agree with everything you say Natalie, that one day they will realise what he is like (won't that just be THE best day ever!! ha,ha) and we'll be there for them no matter what. Your messages of support really make a difference and i just want to say thanks to you all for that.
Loadsa love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 13, 2005 19:00:42 GMT
Oh where do i start once again!!! First of all i'd just like to say I REALLY HATE MY EX HUSBAND, there that feels better! lol Today we've been in all day as we didn't know what time the kids were coming home as no-one had phoned to let me know (surprise surprise!) and we didn't want to be out if they turned up. At about 3.30pm i decided to text him to see what time they were coming home and my son, cameron phoned and asked why we had to go home?? I said they didn't but when would they be home and he informed me that they were staying with their dad again tonight, which is fine, i'd just like to know! Cameron said he would come and see me for a little while and when he came up he was very quite, i asked if anything was wrong and he burst into tears!! so i gave him a big hug and asked if he wanted to tell me what was wrong, and after gently coaxing him he said that his dad and his girlfriend had fallen out (which i knew about) and his dad was now back living with his granny and cameron was very worried that he wouldn't get to see his brother (they have a 7mnth child) anymore as his dad wasn't living with his girlfriend anymore!! I had to convince (and myself) that he would always get to see his brother and that no of this was his fault, it took quite alot of convincing but finally he started to smile and laugh and then asked if he could play on the computer!! Not long after cameron had come home the phone rang and it was my ex's sister (who i hardly ever see or speak to) and she said she didn't want to fall out with me but would i stop going down to her mum's house?!! well to say i was confused at this as i only ever go down to pick up the kids or take down their school clothes!! I explained this and then asked why she said that, she said that my ex's girlfriend is jealous of me?? (i don't get this as she's always spoken to me and been really nice and vice versa) and that it was causing major problems within the whole family and now my ex MIL is worried that she won't get to see her grandchild. I said i didn't knkow what any of this had to do with me and she ended up calling my ex all the names under the sun and said she was coming over tomorrow to 'sort it out' !! I don't know what the hell is going on but i'm very worried about whats being said infront of my kids and what sort of atmosphere they are in when they are with their dad. Oh i wish i knew to do....... I tried looking on another support forum for seperated parents but all they seem to do is slag off absent parents!!! which i know makes you feel good but it doesn't help anybody else does it? Robbie then got quite funny with me because she had phoned (as he usually does if any of them talk to me) I can't win can i? I asked him if was ok and he said yes and asked why i'd asked so i told him that i knew he was mad about her phoning and he said yes and now he's gone out to his mates!! Great eh? i need support and someone to talk to about my worries and he buggers off out! I just feel like crying again but i'm not going to let myself! I'm not wasting another day in tears. My ex SIL suggested mediation but i can't get my ex to go!! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH. Anyway rant over i think, have run out of steam now!
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Nov 14, 2005 5:08:03 GMT
oh sarah..i wish i could tell you everything that wil make it better, but i've never been in this situation before so i can only offer my support! I'm thinking of you HEAPS sweety! I know things are hard, but whenever you can, try and think of positives as much as you can. I know this can be almost impossible...so just think if us on here and how much we care Always thinking of you and keep smiling It's the best way to be! Love and Light, Natalie xxx
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