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Post by cheshire on Dec 1, 2005 20:16:48 GMT
Hi Gail
Sorry my instructions were'nt very clear!
Love to hear from you Hopefulx
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 2, 2005 15:24:54 GMT
thanks hopeful x
Well, here goes. Hopefully this will be a cathartic experience as I've not been able to explain fully how I'm feeling (more because i don't want to) to the people around me.
It's only now that I feel well enough to actually articulate the experiences and effects of my PNI. At one stage it was so bad that i couldn't manage to make myself a cup of tea or think about using the toilet because it was too stressful and confusing.
i think it began while i was still pregnant..at around 7 months, maybe even before that. its been a strange year anyway -without the surreality of a pregnancy. My aunties brother and sister -in -law were both killed in a car crash in June, which i reacted pretty badly to. it was odd as i hadnt seen them - since I was about ten but it still really affected me i kept imagining the scene of the accident and then started to obsess about death and the afterlife and what happens to you when you die etc, then my partners grandfather died over the summer and we had to go to stay with my partners mother for a week. awful but at that point i was still quite strong minded and felt that i could cope. it was around this time that i started having panic attacks. i had one the day we found out that he'd died, then one on the day of the funeral. my partner comforted me andwe put it down to stress.
when we arrived home my morbidity increased. i kept imagining his grandfather in the cold ground alone, and death became a fearful cruel thing which was completely alien to me as i was (and still hopefully am) a very spiritual person. i had lost all faith in life and whereas before i believde strongly in the afterlife now all i could see was blackness. i'd loook at my parner and think one day we wont be together everyone i know will die one day and i just couldnt cope with that. the panic got worse and i decided to see the doctor as i was worried that it might affect my baby in some way.
i saw the doctor, who reassured me that no harm would come to the baby, but there was nothing they could do as they wouldnt prescribe any medication to a pregnant woman. (not that i would have accepted any...i just wanted some reassurance). he just advised me to try to relax, do some exercise, which i did. My partner took me swimming. helped a bit. there was this permanent state of anxiety and worry, like a constant panic attack underlying my existance. i went back to the doctors for some reassurance. not a very nice doctor this time who talked over me and told me it was probably the baby pushing up on my lungs and making my breaqathing shallow and therefore making me feel panicky. hmmm. In the meantime, at home i knew i wasnt myself. i had lost my sense of humour , worried about money constantly wheras before i had been really laid back.
my poor boyfriend didnt know whether he was coming or going! i stopped him from going to make a film...something hed been lokking forward to all year, because i was worried about him missing work etc. he eventually got 2 jobs for a while to stop me from worrying.
the thoughts about death muitated into worry abut the birth. id convinced myself that i was going to die in labour and leave my partner and baby alone. i tried but whenever i thought beyond the birth all i saw was blackness. id look down at my bump and could not imagine ever meeting this baby. i would obsess about it...it really got me down, i would spend all day researching maternal morbidity rates in childbirth in the developed world, and if the statistics were something like 1 in 30,000 i was going to be that 1.
i also started to get really angry. although i never said anything, i would replay past events in my mind and conversations and obsess about how i let such and such get away with saying that and if theyd say it again id give them a piece of my mind etc,
anyway. on my due date i started having contractions. they calmed down late in the evening though so we went to bed i woke up in pain at around 6am and thought this cant be it its just a practice run. my mum was coming around soon so i got up and carried on the day as normal. the pains started to get worse so i had a lie down then got up and got dressed, came downstairs, had something to eat. the contractions it seemed were quite short so i was convinced that this was false labour - everywhere i had read that contractions had to be longer than 45 seconds and these were about 30 secs. i kept running to the toilet thinking i needed a poo! then the mucous plug came out and i felt the urge to push we phoned my partner who came straight home and then y waters broke- it all happened so quickly. the water kept coming and by the time we got to the hospital all i had to do was push and she was here!
TRMJ. my beautiful baby girl was here and i had survived! but i didnt feel that relieved. i felt anxious. i felt like i was going to have a panic attack. we stayed awake all night and id told the nurse how anxious i felt. they said it was nothoing to worry about. meanwhile i was still thinking that i could die at any second. i would haemmorhage, or catch MRSA, or some freak illness would get me.
we went home the next day and my mum stayed with us. all wsa joy and i expected these feelings to pass as they were probably hormone related etc etc.
then the thoughts started. i remember thinking how delicate she was and how easily shhe could come to harm. then i envisaged how she would come to harm. then i envisaged me harming her and the different ways i could. then i saw the newspaper headlines 'babykiller' and imagined losing everyithing and going to prison and then my life would be over. 'babykiller' kept chanting through my mind, taunting me for days but i tried to block it out.
then one evening, i was pottering around in the kitchen and i started to get flustered trying to do a million things at once at these thoughts were still racing around my head. they built up to a crescendo and the room started spinning and i started panicking and had a massive panic attack. the panic didnt subside. i decided to see the doctor the next day.
my palms were sweating, my muscles were tense, everything looked distorted, i hated being outside the doctors surgery was hell i was hyperventilating i couldnt talk. i broke down to the doctor and begged her for some medication to make it go away. she prescribed me paroxetine 20mg. i sobbed because i didnt want to have to go on medication, i felt ashamed and poor Tlws might get some in the breast milk.
i stopped functioning.i couldnt make a decision, i couldn't decide what to have to eat so i didnt bother unless someine decided for me. my partner did and bless him made sure i had enough but i couldnt eat anyway. i just couldnt eat i was too anxious.
the next day Tlws was due her heel prick test and the midwife came around. i told her what had been happening. everything detail. she reassured me. told me i wasnt going mad etc which is what id thought was happening. she was great, she helped my mum and partner understand that it was 'normal' and reassured them aswell (they were a bit bemused) that day we were due to go to visit my nan. me and my nan are very close and i really wanted to go to show her tlws. i was so anxious my palms were sweating but i was determined to go, even if it was just for 10mins. it was horrendous. it felt as though i was suffocating. i couldnt understand - this was only my nan and grandad - why was i so nervous? the walls felt as though they were closing in and i had to get out. the outside world had suddenly become a very scary place. i just wanted to get home and shut the door. i came in and went to bed. horrified by what awas happening to me. i stayed in bed for the whole weekend. avoided answering the phone as that caused me unexplained fear, and told my partner not to let anyone in. people were scary...even my own mother elicited a sense of panic and fear from me, but she was staying with me for the week so we had to let her in. my parner had to answer the door though as i couldnt go close to it. i couldnt even look out the window. there was like a dark cloud waiting outside. awful - what was happening to me?
then it was halloween. the door must have been knocked about 50 times. i was huddled on the floor petrified. 'just please dont answer it' i said as my mum and partner sat looking worried. the fear was so alien and bizarre like i was in a nightmare but couldnt wake up. i remeber asked the midwife, desperate, how long the ttablets would take to work and she said around 10 days. i just kept thinking 10 days i will be ok 10 days i will be ok. i could feel a little effect after 4 days but the fear and dread was still there. noone was allowed into the house except my mum and boyfriend and midwife, i couldnt speak on the phone and would trmble whenever it rang. i was even scared of individual words. 'somnolence' filled me with dread.
my mum practices reiki and that helped a bit but on the friday when she was due to go home and i was expecting to feel better and didnt, felt strange i felt desperate again. when she left i was so scared i wanted to phone her and tell her to come back but i didnt. i cant ecplain the fear i was confused also, i would panic if peoplle left the house as i couldnt comprehend how someone could be here one minute and gone the next. it was my best friends birthday and i couldnt go out with her. i couldnt even get her a card. she said she would call around that night. my partner let her in. i was a wreck nothing feels real i kept saying and that i was weird. i tried to talk but it was hard. they promised to sTAY for 5 minutes only and after they left i felt a bit better, like i had achieved something. WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME I WAS SCARED OF MY BEST FRIEND? i thought there was no hope and that i was doomed to feel like this forever. i also kept reliving moments from my life before tlws, things i had long forgotten came flooding back, thinks i used to do, the person i used to be it was like i had access to forgotten events.
i was determined not to let this illness win. so i convinced myself i was well enough to go shopping in a supermarket. big mistake. although i managed to keep it together i was so panicky i thought everyone was laughing at me. i just about mangaged to complete the shop. the cashier asked me questions about tlws which i limited to one word answers. even my own daughter scared me now.
strange thoughts came into my head, surreal images would flash whenever i closed my eyes. iremember looking at the tv and the woman presenter momentarily flickered into this demon. i thought oh shit have i got PP? familiar images looked alien as if they were in a nightmare. thankfully that only happened once.
after nearly 2 weeks of taking 20mg and not feeling much better i went back to the doctor, who told me they may take longer to work. LONGER!? i had clung desperately onto those 10days and now they could take longer. i am missing this time with my baby because of this stupid illness and i just want to be myself. she notified the 'links' team - the community mental health team who came to visit me the next day. i remember also the horror that the doctor only provided me with 14 tablets as she thought i might do something stupid. as if i just wanted to get better. i felt hopeless. so depressed.
the links team were great, they upped my dose. i was getting better at letting people in althoughi still felt as though i was living in a dream and that i could disappear at any second. i could feel the extra dose working straight away, and i felt so relieved that they i didnt need admitting to hospital although i rmember feeling confused as to why they didnt. my partner said i was doing better thani thought. the psychiatrist told me to drop in the centre in a fortnight to discuss my progress. i remember thinking 'yeah right as if im goin to be able to go outside in 2 weeks' ....
the next 2 weeks were a blur. i was ok to be left alone with tlws now so my partner went back to work. the days were ok, if not still a bit surreal. we went for a few walks which i kind of enjoyed, but still couldnt go into any shops. too strssful. things were gradually improving day by day. i had lots of support from the midwives and health visitors. and i could complete simple tasks ithout getting too confused and pamnicky. then my boyfriends mate from uni turned up out of the blue. i remember feeling horrified. but it was the best thing that could have happened. i realised now that i could talk to people and i started feeling better having a new face. hes really friendly and makes people feel really comfortable. we actually went out for a meal the next day and although it felt really weird, i coped. i remember seeing something in the sky while we were outside and panicking incase oi was the only one to see it. they saw it too thank god.
i was on a high when we came home, my best friend came around and i talked and laughed like my old self. i felt as though i could cope, despite the underlying anxiety. each day was getting easier.
i was eating again, soo hungry and so tired when i woke up i could lie in bed all day. its probably my muscles relxing and my body recovering i dont know. we had a houseful of people one sunday and i put on a brave face...i could now at least pretend i was ok. i think i fooled them. i was starting to feel better but it was too slow. the past few weeks have been a blur. time seems to be distorted lik its going too fast and i still cant get my head around the fact that i have a daughter. i panic a bit when i look at her and realise shes mine...i cant believe it and i freak out sometimes. its getting easier. i went back to see the psychiatrist last week who upped my dose again to 40mg and then 50mg if i need it. 50mg is it the top dose i think. i was convinced tnothing would work. i feel better on 40mg but im tempted to go up to 50mg just for an extra kick but im worried about the levels in breast milk. i think ill see if i improve any more on 40mg...theres no rush is there? we've got all the time in the world.
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 2, 2005 15:53:55 GMT
by the way i just want to convey my gratitude for this website. We WILL get better. we WILL get through this and beat this awful thing.
gail x
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Post by cheshire on Dec 2, 2005 16:23:19 GMT
Dear Gail Welcome to the site. I have just finished readingyour post and I'm sure I'll be reading it again. There is just so much here that I can identify with -and although I've read quite a few posts over the last few months - I am always astounded by the degree of common ground and experience we all have. For example, you put this so well... i also started to get really angry. although i never said anything, i would replay past events in my mind and conversations and obsess about how i let such and such get away with saying that and if theyd say it again id give them a piece of my mind etc, This for me started during the last part of pregnancy. Like you, I suffered a trauma prior to the birth and became obsessed with death. We were very lucky as my husband didn't die, but he easily could have done - right there before my very eyes. He had a serious cardio-vascular incident. Shortly after the birth of my baby my nana died (whom I'd been visiting in the hospital with baby regularly) and it was at this point that the physical symptoms really started for me...the anger and other things I won't mention here. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me welcoming you properly here. This is a very supportive group of women here and we will help you in any way we can Love Hopefulxxx
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 2, 2005 16:50:07 GMT
thanks for the welcome hopeful. i just thank god for this website. i thought i was the only one and im glad we have some common ground, its awful isnt it? i hope your husband is ok now it just seems as though everything that could have gone wrong did when yu were at your most vulnerable.
i hope youre better now love gail x
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Post by cheshire on Dec 2, 2005 18:53:15 GMT
Hi Gail
He is fine now thanks. He's just had an operation, so things are getting back to normal. I am not fully recovered but I am just SO much better than I was this time last year - things keep moving forward and as you say, 'there's no rush'... I'm sorry if I missed this when reading your post - but how old is your little girl? What a beautiful name!
Anyway, don't want to take over your diary - sorry!!!
Take care of yourself Hopefulxxx
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 2, 2005 19:54:15 GMT
tlws is 6 weeks today- it means 'pretty' or 'beautiful' in Welsh. dont worry - i want people to comment i find it helpful.
so if youre reading this, please comment or offer some advice on your own experiences. im needing constnt reassurance at the moment.
i am feeling more like myself today - the medication seems to be really helpful, sometimes i even forget for a few seconds then the panic comes back. its more like waves of anxiety/panic usually when i look at my daughter. my best friend came around last night and it was like i didnt even think twice about someone being in my house, and chatted away quite calmly, but every now and then id think 'o my god theres someone in my house' and panic, or feel momentarily strange like i wasnt real.
the worst part of my illness i didnt mention above was the idea that i was actually dead. that i did die in labour and this is my hell. i was going to be snatched away or they 'were coming to get me'. i was too frightened/ disabled by this fear to tell anyone. i thought that if i did i would admit it and make it real and i would disappear, like they were the magic words.
anyway that was then. things slowly feel more real. i can concentrate on tv programmes. i can 'switch off' and forget myself i can eat (now i am constanly hungry but not putting on any weight) i can answer the phone. i can actually laugh about my fears now.
i went to the shop yesterday and hardly batted an eyelid. its getting easier. i do stil panic and think 'o my god im outside' sometimes, but the fear is fleeting.
were going to have a chinese tonight and i might even have a glass of wine, but then again i dont want to tip the balance. we'll see. we'll try Asda again this weekend. its so frustrating as i love to shop and to spend money! i'll let you know how it goes....
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Post by cheshire on Dec 2, 2005 21:06:12 GMT
Hi Gail
Hope you are having a nice evening..I LOVE chinese! You will get better -I think it seems like you are doing really well...
I'm glad you 've found this site - I found it a bit later..and it is great to read about and share problems isn't it?
I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me for ages...
Anyway, look forward to catching up again soon Hopefulxx
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Post by bam02 on Dec 2, 2005 21:09:49 GMT
Hi gail
Read your first post very good - i wish i could articulate feelings so good might help with theplace i am now! Feel i know something wrong but not sure what? So no chance of ever getting the help i need !
But enough of my ramblings welcome here its so good and some people infact most if not all are wonderful- especially Hopeful and i have met her i know she is a lady!!!
A-M
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Post by sarajay28 on Dec 2, 2005 21:23:01 GMT
Hi Gail,
I just wanted to say hi and well done for all you've acheived so far. I'm still recovering, slowly but surely and your quote 'theres no rush is there, we've got all the time in the world' made me really think. I've always felt that even though i've been suffering since september this year that i should be better by now and this is actually the first time i've thought 'no wait a minute, i will get better but it'll take time' so a big thank you for that. I love this website so much, it makes me laugh, cry, think..... you name it this site does it for me. I get so much support from the girls here and hope that you will find it helps you as much as it does me.
Welcome again and take care.
Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by monica on Dec 2, 2005 21:24:20 GMT
Hello Gail
Just from your few postings it really sounds to me as if you're making progress, so well done. It does sound like you've had such an awful time and just like hopeful wrote, much of what you wrote reminded me so much of myself.
PNI hit me at when my babe was 4 months old and I started getting very physical symptoms. The worse I felt, the more obsessed I got about my health and convinced myself I was dying and those around me. I would imagine horrible scenarios and plan funerals and this train of thought was with me 24 hours a day. I started having weird panic attacks. Suddenly I would feel sick and sort of floored as if my blood pressure had dropped, dizzy and nauseous. I, too, was becoming agrophobic, although having probs with my eyes, I put everything down to this as opposed to panic attacks. I couldn't eat, sleep, cried all the time.
the turning point for me was antids. When these kicked in after a couple of weeks, I just noticed that I wasn't dwelling as much on health and dying, felt happier, could go out again and I think the bad times don't last as long. It sounds as if you're on that happy route.
So you really enjoy your chinese - you deserve it!
Monica
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 3, 2005 14:08:47 GMT
I'd just like to thank everyone for their responses and i'm glad some of the things I've written have helped people. It's comforting to know there are others out there in the ether who have been there and have come through the other side out of the darkness. i really enjoyed my chinese thankyou! but passed on the wine as i was scared it might make it all come back again. God I was so looking forward to being able to have a nice glass of wine again after Tlws was born too - I've been tee-total for nearly a year now! I stopped completely when I was pregnant. Never mind - when I'm more on an even keel maybe. I feel ok today. I started to feel good - even better last night. The waves of fear have become less severe and I'm not so scared when looking at Tlws. We were watching Buffalo 66 in bed and a wave of 'feeling ok' came over me. It seems too good to be true, like I'm going to slip back again at any moment. It's like I can't stop thinking about my illness and maybe if I could block it out somehow I would be ok. These thought habits can be habit forming...its like the thoughts are compulsive and I've forgotten how to be me. anyway, been shopping (on the net) bought myself some nice clothes as I've been living in jogging bottoms and pyjamas! might get my haircut soon too and find my old self again...I dont look anything like I used to. It's like I havent existed for weeks. i used to dress quite kookily I think but i've forgotten how to do that, I havent cared. It's like i was fading away...becoming invisible almost. i didnt feel real. things today are much more tangible. things seem more like they did before. Tlws feels and seems more real, I'm connecting to and getting used to her being here even though I do sometimes have to remind myself she's here. It could be due to the fact that I've never really been around babies before- never held one and always avoided them saying I was not a @baby person' then to have made my own was a bit surreal. I remember looking at her and being confused that I had 'made her wrong' thinking that this is not how babies should look. of course I didnt know how babies should look really. Still freaked me out a bit. Have been stuck in all week because the weather's been pants. We havent got around to getting a pushchair and only have a baby sling so it's not really practical in the rain and wind. ANyway it's a bit sunnier today so we MUST get out and about. I'm going to change out of my joggers and have a wash and brush my teeth ...
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Post by Veritee on Dec 3, 2005 17:43:26 GMT
Hi Gail I related to so much of what you have written so far - but what you said here had so much resonance for me .... yes ,yes ,yes , yes, yes! is all I can say. This is how it was for me - these thoughts started with 'what ifs' and ended up with my playing out scenarios in my head of bizarre ways I might kill my baby!!!! In response I threw all my knives away , was even scared to drive her anywhere although I had to. Also a few months before going for walks in the countryside with her in a backpack had been a refuge for me that I would even walk at night but now I felt trapped inside as there was potential danger everywhere including ways I could damage of kill her either accidental or deliberately. I was scared or go for walks as I imagined falling and hurting us both or falling int a bog or main shaft of worse throwing her into a bog - we have some proper bogs nearby on the moor where I live - or down a mine shaft I too went as far with theses thoughts that I went through to imagine what would happen when it was found what I had done - how my husband and family would hate me ... and the guilt at having these thoughts was emoormous.... I will say at this point that I am fully recovered and my daughter is 16. But I could not tell anyone one then, not even my husband fully - less was known about PNI then and I was just too scared and if I tried just a little I felt like I was seen as a monster - so I hid them. But you have been so brave to tell us -just the same . I think I know now why I had these thoughts and I have written it before - I loved my daughter more than life itself so how could I think theses things - a sort of distorted over protectiveness that I thought she needed protecting from everyone even myself and I felt confident I could protect her from every one else and most other dangers .. But how could I protect her from me!!!! But thank you so much for sharing your story - it helped me even 16 years later and I am sure it will help others Welcome to the forum Veritee PS I was wondering if I could add your story to the stories on the main site see: www.pni.org.uk/stories.htmyou can do this anonymously and change names and places Is anyone else interested in writing their story also for the main site?? if so email them to me
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 5, 2005 16:30:59 GMT
today i feel good.
have achieved a lot over the past couple of days. on saturday night we went to the supermarket. i know it doesnt sound very exciting but for me it was a big deal as ive been suffering with agrophobia. ive been itching to spend some money for weeks - to spend it in reality to and not just on the net!
i was whizzing around the shop, so much stuff i was quite excited. still getting a panicky feeling though but only when i look at Tlws
im beginning to realise that this is because she is the source of all my fears and anxieties but they are exagerrated and distorted at the moment. i treated myself to a few jumpers and some new makeup (havent worn any for weeks) and bought tlws some bits. spend £170!! i felt almost myself as we were shopping.
then sunday i woke up, and although Tlws had ket us awake all night, felt like going out. i even contemplated town for a bit but decided against it as it would probably be a bit much what with all the christmas shoppers and general manicness so deecided to go to the local high st instead. the longer we were out the better i felt. had waves of panic but bizarrely only when i realised where i was - does that make sense? i went into shops and spent more money. bought myself a hair dye in a funky colour which is on now - im waiting for it to develop - and we went to meet my boyfriend and his mates who were making a short film.
i bought the hairdye because I'm fed up of looking in the mirror and seeing the same reflection. my hair is so boring - it even looks depressed! itrepresents this period of my life and i want to forget it so im changing it. i know its not going to change me or work some kind of magic but it will be like turning a new leaf.
last night i felt more like my self again. i was sad and annoyed with my boyfriend - something i havent been able to do for ages because i havent been able to have proper conversations as ive been too anxious. (!) i realised that this is good, and we both laughed about it. he said he's missed being nagged!i think he almost enjoyed it
the only thing thats bothering me is being on tablets. im worried it will get into the breast milk. is this just part of the illness? i've been given permission to increase my dose to 50mg but im too frightened to. im scared that ive reached a plateau and ill always be 'nearly better' but 50mg is the highest dose and im also scared that that wont be enough. and then maybe the psychiatrist will try to put me on other tablets and ill have to go through withdrawal which on paroxetine is awful (ive been on them before and couldnt come off them it was only when i was pregnant that i could for some reason) all my hopes have been placed on the 50mg if 40mg stops working. am i paranoid? is this all part of the illness? i dont know. all i know is even though im obviously making progress im still thinking the tablets arent working. its strange, i think theyre going to make me weird and trap me. i think everything ive felt is the tablets - i blame the tablets for every symptom i've had - it's like i dont want to admit im ill and i think the tablets have made me this way. i've thought that maybe if i didnt go on the tablets id be better by now. i cant seem to see that ive made progress - one minute i think theyre working and the next i think theyre making me worse. its like a pendulum - im waiting to it stop swinging from high to low and settle in the middle.
sorry for that rant i had to get it out of my system!
gail x
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Dec 7, 2005 12:42:23 GMT
the tablets ARE working. yesterday i felt better again. the 'flickers' of myself are staying longer. the constant undercurrant of anxiety is subsiding - is less severe. the feeling when i look at tlws is not of awful fear and dread, but is transforming into 'how i think i probably should be feeling' if that makes sense.
yesterday we went out again. actually felt good. things didnt frighten me that did before - like clouds (!) - (if the sun went in i felt worse).
I thought to myself why am i striving to feel 'normal'? do any of us actually know what normal' is?. i dont know what normal is, i dont think ill ever feel normal again- ive had a baby! i've changed so much and wont feel completely like i did before. im still adapting. i remember longing to have my old life back but i think ive come to terms with the fact i wont. its a shock to the system having a baby. everything changes. My old life wasnt that great anyway! i think i need to take the rose tinted glasses off.
im a better person now (i think) and what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. i just want to be the best mum i can possibly be - and im getting there!
im just glad Christmas looks as though its going to be a happy one.
im going to the college to see my mum today - there'll be loads of people there and some old teachers not to mention the feeling that so much has changed since my a levels. but its something i want to do. ill let you know how it goes...
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