|
Post by cheshire on Dec 7, 2005 13:01:23 GMT
Hi Gail
Glad things are on the up.
I think you're right when you say this by the way,
'''i dont think ill ever feel normal again- ive had a baby! i've changed so much and wont feel completely like i did before'''
..took me a while to get used to this idea to!
And this is also a good point..
''My old life wasnt that great anyway! i think i need to take the rose tinted glasses off.'' ..something I discussed only yesterday with my psychotherapist..
Hope it goes well today.
Love Hopefulxx
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Dec 9, 2005 18:46:29 GMT
almost myself i think. better again. the anxiety is not so scary now and i can more orless help to ease it myself with breathing/massage etc (the anxiety was os severe earlier that nothing could help me relax)
went to the doctors for Tlws's 6 week check (even though she's 7 weeks(!)) overslept so rushed around in a panic. lucky my partner had a late start so he could give us a lift. felt fine about being inside. things dont look so distorted anymore. saw my old workmate, had a chat, was very chatty to the doctor who was lovely. very supportive and had a lot of time for us. she said recovery is gradual and there's no 'quick fix' (learned that the hard way) but im really making progress.
the only strange feeling i get at the moment is the sensation of time passing really quickly - the anxiety i suppose - it feels as though things are out of control, like a rollercoaster like life is passing me by and havent got enough time to do anything because time seems to just disappear. i've thought that my state of mind has a lot to do with it - in the sense that someone with depression would have the sense that time is moving incredibly slowly. im the opposite to that because of my acute anxiety/depersonalisation things seem out of control.
the days are slowing down though. a few weeks ago i couldnt even reflect on the day that had passed because either; i couldnt remember, was too much for me to process in my mind, it all seemed like a confused mess and out of control or i panicked because of this out of control sensation.
anyway, we're going to go out tonight to see my best friend. she's an ice sculptor and is doing a live demonstration n the city's winter wonderland! shes really nervous and needs some moral support.
Take care one and all peace love and light
gail x
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 10, 2005 13:35:48 GMT
Hi Gail
How was the ice sculpting? Wow, I'd have LOVEd to have seen that.
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Dec 10, 2005 20:55:56 GMT
today i feel down. im fed up because im still not 100%. everything feels like so much effort im so tired i could cry, but i cant cry. sounds are ringing in myears. went to buy xmas decorations today and felt panickywhenever we went into a shop. might be cos im tired (Tlws has got night and day mixed up so im awake constantly it seems) dunno maybe as the anxiety subsides depression will set in. no.must think positive.
i cant comprehend the fact that i have a daughter. its like theres no room in my head everythings scattered and being rearranged. i just cant believe shes mine. i forget myself and even forget shes here and then i feel guilty because im not thinking about her constantly. having guilty feelings anyway. feelings about things that have happened years ago, i feel guilt for now, guilt about being ill, like im not good enough to be a mum etc. i dont know who i am anymore, its sounds like a cliche' but i dont. im so far removed from my old life i cant connect the 2 together. im frightened. im scared of my life im scared of whats happened, need answers.
i have thoughts im dying or going to/my partner baby is and although theyre less severe than before im sick of them. im really pissed off. why did this stupid illness happen? why is everything so scary? why was i petrified of the phone? why did i stop functioning? noone can gve me any answers just 'noone knows what happens to a woman after she gives birth'
time seems to be going out of control. when i look back on the day i cant remember what ive done. just a blur.
im sure its a blip im off to watch muriels wedding tata x
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 10, 2005 23:26:18 GMT
Hi Gail, I know just where you are coming from with all of this - we do get blips and bad days I think...well I do anyway. I hope you enjoy the film - let us know how you are tomorrow? Lots of love Hopefulx
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 10, 2005 23:28:20 GMT
p.s I remember feeling like you do here - in fact I still do sometimes, but it does get better and you will get therex
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Dec 16, 2005 18:05:16 GMT
the ice sculpting was great! im going again tonight.
i feel good today. didnt get up til 2! after a restless night from tlws. thought sod it i need rest! I WENT TO TOWN YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe it! went christmas shopping!! things are still on the up!! im almost 'me' again.
i did feel a bit anxious in town, on edge like i was waiting to feel bad- but i didnt! apparently i had this look on my face like i was about to burst into tears i dont know why that was but i did it. that was the 'biggy' town at christmas i quite enjoyed it i was so exited going into all the shops. bought tlws a beautiful outfit to wear on christmas day! cant wait to see her with it on.
i feel as though i need a big cry, like everything's build up being trying to make myself by listening to sasd songs etc but i just cant. im on the verge of tears constantly but positive and optimistic at the same time - does that make sense?. it could be relief, could be (and most likely) tiredness. im still tired although we've had a bit longer in bed.
tomorrow we are finally going to meet my boyf's dad and sister who've had to wait to meet the baby cos i havent been letting people in the house/ anxiety etc. im looking forward to it.
ive been doing some Tai Chi which is so calming and comforting, yoga and meditation. i used to do loads of meditation i dont know why i stopped. i used to go to a spiritual church as well where we sat as a circle and channelled our energy into the spirit world. im going to try to reignite my faith again. which ive been questioning,
ive also being developing diversion techniques - something which completely irequitres all my attention (apart from looking after tlws that is) - playing the quitar. especially learning new tunes. im trying to avoid thinking about this 'illness' everytime i think about it i say stop! and put it in the back of my mind and try to think of something nice, pretend im not ill. it works!. im not going to be defined by this illness. im going to be in control of it. im not going to let it win. it will not dictate my life, actions , thoughts and beliefs so iam banishing it for good. whenever i fell scared i will laugh. they are just sensations they are not real.
from now on i am in charge of my feelings. this thing c can bloody well piss off.
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 16, 2005 18:39:34 GMT
Hey Gail That's the spirit- LOL! You must be getting better I know, distraction does help doesn't it? Good to hear you're doing so well with your recovery Love, Hopefulx
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Dec 19, 2005 22:24:36 GMT
today i feel almost myself again.
im highly suspicious of this. we met up with my partner's sister, brother in law and dad on saturday. it was ok, i felt i could be myself, i was functioning well enough to hold a conversation! we had a meal and they met the baby.
we've arranged to go out for new years eve and it'll be the first proper night out we've had since the beginning of the pregnancy. I'm umming and ahhing about it my mum will be babysitting but she lives about 40 miles away so the baby will be pretty far away. we need the break though.shes been with us constantly since her birth as i havent been able to bear or even contemplate being apart from her. ifeel awful now just thinking about it - wondering if it is such a good idea. we'll see.
going to town probably in the morning after going to the doctors. my psychiatrist has requested i have my bloods tested for thyroid disfunction and blood sugar. these have an impact on people's moods apparently so ill see how that goes...
im feeling really upset now at the thought of leaving the baby with my mum..: ( i dont think ill be able to but my mum has animals and will have to arrange dogsitters and cat sitters if she comes to me. im sure she will if i telll her how im feeling - i cant believe how emotional i feel- im choked up! yesterday it seemed like a good idea and i didnt think twice about it. but writing it down has made me think and worry and miss her like shes there now.
well i suppose this would be normal to feel the first time you leave your baby? and its got to be done sooner rather than later. ill phone mum. she'll have the answer i guess.
im full of energy. i think i need to do some exercise.
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 20, 2005 0:29:31 GMT
Hi Gail, It's always hard leaving your baby the first time I think...? With my first, I had to travel abroad when she was 3 months old - bit tearful but coped. With my second, I left baby with my mum overnight and I went and stayed away (at about 3 months again). This was before I knew how ill I was (I was a bit like you described in your first diary extract) , so it was maybe a bit soon for me and I think probably a bit worse because I wasn't in my own bed. But from what you write here, you are past this crisis point perhaps?? So maybe it's worth a try? I love the break now, but the build up is hard - I always get stressed about leaving them and then end up having a great time without them - LOL. !! Let us know how you go Hopefulxx
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Dec 20, 2005 16:35:37 GMT
yeah! maybe I'll have a great time! I must think positive...
i feel so guilty if she slips my mind for even a second, so the prospect of going out and doing something that i enjoy feels so unnatural. and i know if i have a drink ill probably embarrass myself like getting my tits out and squirting everyone with my milk. i KNow ill do it. (i do it when im sober!)
today was good. went for my bloods. one for thyroid and the other for blood sugar - should be ready next week she said so ill let you know. felt myself more, chatted away and conversation came easily where before it was confusing and 'too much'. waled into town on my own. felt like i was suffocating just before i got there but i confronted this feeling and told myself that this was 'only a sensation' and the feeloing passed. i was fine in all the (packed) shops in all the (incredibly long) queues and on the (chaotic) bus. the only sensation i dont like a t the moment is the feeling that time is going really quickly.
why does time seem to disappear for me. i long for a day that drags, a day when i am bored, a day when everything is calm. i know/realise that time perception is subjective but it makes me panic even more and feel vulnerable.
I've also been having thoughts about life in general, like why are we here and what happens after we die and being scared that there's nothing not me at all. i just want to be with my family forever and im sad when i think that one day we will all die. is it natural to contemplate life so seriously?
one of my new years resolutions is to rediscover my faith and to explore it to the full... i think its impossible to live life without faith in something. oyu feel so alone and hopeless. i feel so cynical about it though at the mo. when i look back at what i used to believe in i think how stupid i was. what do you do though? have faith and be happy, positive and energetic or be faithless and be depressed, grey and negative about everything. i know what i would rather. i feel like a scared child.
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 21, 2005 9:01:07 GMT
Hiya Gail I hope you have a good New Years Eve, whatever you decide to do I know just what you mean when you write this: I've also been having thoughts about life in general, like why are we here and what happens after we die and being scared that there's nothing not me at all. i just want to be with my family forever and im sad when i think that one day we will all die. is it natural to contemplate life so seriously? ..and whilst it's something I think everyone thinks about from time to time, I thought about it pretty much continually at one point during this illness..and sometimes these thoughts do get the better of me now, still. But they are generally much less in frequency and intensity as I continue down the road to recovery. Hope you're having a reasonable day today Take Care Hopefulx
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Dec 24, 2005 12:11:29 GMT
MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
woo hoo...everything's cool!!! went to town yesterday on my own (i must be mad) it was crazy so many people arghhh. i coped though apart from a hypoglaecimic incident wherre my blood sugar dropped and i felt all dizzy faint and sweaty and had to get lots to eat.
does anyone else get this? my blood sugars have been tested and im waiting for the results but i'd eaten well before i went in but it was orrible. anyway; huge baguette and cream cake later....finished xmas shopping and met me boyf and came home. managed to work out how to use the expresser aswell!!! so took a break from feeding the baby too.
going to my mum's today. she lives in quite a rural area so it'll be a quiet one, just us and all her cats and dogs and the baby of course.
i wish everybody a very merry christmas. i hope everyone is feeling ok and can manage to enjoy the festivities!!!!
peace, love and light to you all
love from gail xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Dec 24, 2005 14:00:31 GMT
Gail
I'll be thinking of you and hope you have a lovely time
Love, peace and a hug, Hopefulxxxx
|
|
gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
|
Post by gail on Jan 4, 2006 15:47:09 GMT
happy new year everyone!
just thought id write down how i was doing in this new year. new year -fresh start. things can only get better so 2006 is full of promise. i feel good. im sleeping loads though. it feel as though my body is in recovery, recuperating through sleep. went to away over xmas which i think is an achievement as 6 weeks previously it was a huge deal for me to leave the house. we stayed for 3 nights and came back on the 30th. the 31st was a stressful day though. i was trying to do a million things at once as we were going out in the evening to a party. cleaning, expressing milk, eating, getting ready. then my partner decided to go to the pub. it sounds silly but i had to express milk or we couldnt go out and my mum was coming to pick tlws up at 6 and at 4:30 i had only managed to express 2 bottles. then the baby started crying for a feed and i still hadnt had a shower. she finally settled and i had a shower then she started crying again. i phoned my partner up who came straight back to rock the baby while i carried on trying to express. i only had an hour to express 2 bottles and by then i was so stressed. it was ok for him...he could take it easy and go to the pub. i felt as thought i was doing everything on my own- i was! i was half dressed running around like an idiot. i hadnt eaten didnt have time. my partner went back to the pub after he had settled the baby but five minutes later she was crying again. i lost it then. how dare he leave me to cope with everything and swan off to the pub? how could i do everything? i swore down the phone and called him something i wont repeat (!) well i think he deserved it. then i broke down in hysterical tears. i just let out a big scream. when he got back he found me in floods of tears holding the baby who wsa also crying. he couldnt understand why i was so upset although he apologised he's so laid back i dont think he understood why i got so stressed out about things. i carried on pumping milk but i got angry again and threw the pump against the wall. my mum arrived and all was chaos. she calmed me down but by then i was ok . i felt so much better after i had cried. in all of this illness i havent cried at all. i couldnt. it felt like a huge release.
then my mum said something very wise - she still offered to take tlws (she'd been looking forward to it) she said why dont you just stay in. in the chaos of everything it hadnt even crossed ourminds. we'd been too busy trying to please everyone else and hadnt been thinking of ourselves. we dissappointed a few friends, but in the end we had a great night. we hadnt really spent much quality time together since tlws' birth and it did us the world of good. watched tv, had a chinese and shared a bottle of wine, talked, cuddled up and had a good nights sleep. although i missed tlws and burst ino tears when she went- it felt great having some 'us' time.
|
|