EmilyAlwaysBlue's Diary

[emilyalwaysblue]

And so ive been diagnosed..........................
The doc calls it postnatal depression, my mum calls it the baby blues, my hubby calls it PMT and I call it a pain in the arse
"Heres a perscription, 30 days of prozac, come bk in a month, Have a nice life" Well the doctor didnt actually say those exact words but it felt like that. I dont know what I expected to day, sitting in the doctors office sniffing it2 an old bit of tissue feeling like the worlds worst mother, maybe there was a secret door he could usher me out of that transported me bk to my old life were evrything was (or so it seems) a million times better than it is now. But I guess I have to face facts.
Its taken me 10 months to go to the doctors and admit I was feeling down and then downer and downer until I was dragging myself along the gutter.
My little boy is amazing, this little bundle of joy, smiles and laughs and clever and everything I could ever wanted in a son, well this is what everybody else tells me. Somedays I see it like they do and other days I just see the underside of my duvet, lazing in my pjamas with some illness Ive decided I must have.
I know the road to recovery starts now, now I asked for help, now my husband knows and now that I know, but how bloody long is this road because my feet hurt already!
Are we nearly there yet?

[susanneb1984]

Hiya Emily,

Just let us know if you don't want anyone to respond on here hunni.

I wanted to say how brave you are been, it's not easy having a baby when your young, I know, I did it. It's not easy when your partner is away a lot, I know I've done that as well, and it's all made even worse when you have pni.

It might be worth you looking into counselling, or some form of support group, something where you can talk to someone about how you are feeling? I don't know if that's your sort of thing, but whatever happens, whether a good day or a bad, we are all here for you, you are never alone.

Susanne
xxxx

[emilyalwaysblue]

Woke up with a horrid head cold this morning. Felt awful, blocked nose and pounding head, not the best start to the morning. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew today wasnt going to be a good day.
The baby clinic in my area is a thursday and I always go and get my son weighed and measured, suppose it gives me something to do and I get a bit of exercise on the walk up there. Anyhow, had him weighed today and he had lost weight, I was mortified. Felt that the whole room was staring at me and whispering. Felt as if the hv was planning how to take him off me. It was horrid. It was only half ounce but i acted like it was a stone, trying to justify it to the HV, must have sounded awful.
We had to pop into the town aswell so I took the oppurtunity to look in holland and barrets at the herbal remidies. Cudnt take st johns wort as it will interfere with my pill and wasnt so sure about the other one that the woman suggested.
Havnt taken a prozac yet either. Not sure why, guess I feel that if I take one then Im giving into the depression, beliveing that Im ill or depressed and that I need sumthing to treat it?
The weekly tesco shopping trip aswell today, brought loads of sweets and rubbish biscuits. I always do that when Im down, I always eat rubbish, munched my way thru a whole packet of party rings in the car on the way home wondering how many beechams flu plus capsules you would have to take to kill myself?
Are we nearly there yet?

[susanneb1984]

Oh hunni,
I feel for you I really do. I have the opposite problem with my two children, they put on too much weight and I get accused of overfeeding and making my children obese. My youngest, GJ, she's 20 weeks old today and she weighed 18lb at 18 weeks, she was 7lb 14 at birth, I dread taking her to be weighed as I always feel like I'm on trial.


I hope today starts to get better for you. I know you don't want to, but the prozac might just make things a little more bearable hunni. It's worth a thought.

Take care
xxxx

[emilyalwaysblue]

So here we are. Just me and the baby. My husband has gone back to work today. It seems to be going okay at the moment. Successfully had brekkie without throwing it everywhere and screaming, watched balamory (he is only 10 months and loves the telly).
I was quite nervous about my hubby going bk to work as I didnt know if I cud cope, but to be honest I feel like a little pressure is lifted, I dont feel like he is watching over me.
Last night I gave my boy a bath and my husband was leaning over me telling me what he liked etc how he liked to play, jesus Iknow what my own baby likes, I felt hurt that my husband thought that because I had PNI i didnt know my own child!
We are having our house rewired next week to add to my stress, we are going to go and stay in newcastle for 10 days as the house has aspesdos (or however you spell it) My hubby is a geordie so we stay with his family. Im looking forward to it as it gives us a chance to spend some time 2gether. His family are smitten with the baby so we get a lot of free time. Its our very 1st anniversary on the 12th of feb aswell, so we are going to go out for a meal and relax a little.
Im planning to do housework today and walk to the village doctors to pick the dreaded prozac up, but saying this I have to get dressed 1st and that in itself seems like climbing mount everest!
Ill catch up later
Are we nearly there yet..................?

[monica]

Hi

Give yourself a pat on the back. You're up and baby's fed, your husband's gone back to work and you feel ok. That's such an achievement when there are days that doing what you've done this morning is impossible. I think it's very common for PNI sufferers to dwell on the negative things and forget about the positive.

Your break in Newcastle sounds great. I hope you really enjoy yourselves and enjoy the break.

You will get there, although I know it can feel as if it'll never happen, but I promise you it will!

Love

Monica

[emilyalwaysblue]

Popped the first prozac 2day, swigged it down with some diet coke and waited for the magic 2 happen, and waited and waited. Finally read the instructions and see that things are going to get worse before they get better. Im okay I can deal with that.
Been on over drive 2day though. Did all my shopping took the baby out for a walk and did some housework, I even managed to look a bit presentable myself. Bit burnt out now but feel good for making an effort, lets hope the nergy lasts long enuf to give me the umph to make dinner 2nite?
Are we nearly there yet
Prozac day 1!

[susanneb1984]

Well done Emily.
You've done amazingly today, I've got a horrible migraine today, so I've just rested all day, didn't even take my daughter to school! Feel proud of yourself, and take everyday as it comes hunni
xxx

[yoyo]

The next few days/weeks will be testing but now you've started - keep up the meds and see how things go. At least if you give them a thorough go you can tell if they'll be what you need to get you over this hurdle. Well done - let us know how you get on. Sounds like a good day x

[emilyalwaysblue]

Good morning all, or is it? Today could be a very bad day, lets just see how it goes. My husband is RAF fireman and works starnge shifts, today is a 24 hour shift, he left at 7:30am and will b back 2moro morning at 8am. I felt yesterday very nervous about this. I didnt know what to expect, though I have no idea why I felt like that because I have had my son all alone for 4 months? I guess its because now I know that there is a problem then Im worried I cant cope.
On my outing to the village yesterday I called by a friends and sort of dropped it in that I had been prescribded prozac, she did even look bothered which surprised me. She just said o0o0o ull be high as a kite and laughed and told me her mate had been on them for 7 years. It felt good that she didnt judge me and I realise that she is a true friend.
I find the weekends hard as my husband often works for 24 hours and all my friends partners are off work so they dont wanna spend time with me, which I understand by I do still feel jealous.
I have a friend visting today, we met in the hospital when I was pregnant and she was and we have become firm friends. She had told me also that she had been feeling down and was going to the doctors. Aswell as this site its nice to know that my friends fel down and out sometimes and Im not some sort of alien.
Succesfully made dinner for me and my husband last night (peppercorn chicken and mash potato) small thing but I was proud and we managed not to have an argument aswell.
My son had a strange night, woke at 2am for an hour and half but I stayed with him and got him back to sleep, as I climbed back into bed with my husband he wrapped his arms round me and said "well done" and i slept like a baby then!
I seem to be having a bit of a run of good days, I think its a bit because I know whats wrong now and Im doing something about it, but I have read stories of people becoming "superwoman" for a fews days that reaching burn out. I know that could happen to me aswell.
Took the second prozac today, and though I hesitated I knew I should just try it and see, whats the worst that could happen?
Are we nearly there yet..........?
Prozac day 2

[emilyalwaysblue]

So the end of that day all ready and it has been okay, apart from the half pack of shortbread biscuits I have eaten. I havnt really done very much. I wandered into the village and brought a card for my husbands cousin who has just had a baby boy and got a few essentials in the shop. The fresh air and 15 minute walk did actually make me feel better. I will try to walk for a while each day and get some exercise and it seems to boast me a little.
My little boy was a star today behaved like a prince. We played a bit and stacked the cups and watched blamory togther. Later in the day a friend came to visit with her little girl and we had a natter. I didnt get much done around the house though, didnt put the washin on and didnt hoover upstairs
The baby has succesfully been bathed and is in bed now sleeping and Im cooking my tea. Not the most eventful day but who wants a eventful day anyway?
Are we nearly there yet..........?
Prozac day 2

[Veritee]

Dear Emily

I hope you do not mind me responding to you on your diary?

But as you may know I am the founder of this forum and because of this I and the moderators get a daily transcript of the chat room ( which is common practice for all chat rooms to guard against abuse) and I have been following your story on here as I follow everyone’s story.

I want to say I relate very much to your bad birth experience and how you now feel about it and very much agree with the woman you were speaking to in the chat room ( I have not named her as I am not sure if she would mind or not?) when she said something like - while birth does not always go well - it does not have to leave you mentally scared - Hope no one minds me using a little bit of the chat room here, as I think its important?

And that what you say your midwife said to you was really unacceptable ( the person who you were talking to in the chat room would make a great midwife I feel)

As she indicated, no one can necessarily prevent your labour from going wrong or being lengthy or painful ( although if the woman is listened to I really do believe that this would lead to less suffering things being dealt with sooner)

However while perhaps nothing could have made your labour physically better I truly believe that the way we are talked to while in labour can make all the difference.

I had a 36-hour labour and a very traumatic emergency C-section at the end, which traumatised me for many years and I probably, was suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD that either triggered or added to my PNI

- but while I feel some suffering could have been avoided if they had listened to my telling them something was seriously wrong about 15 hours before I had the C section - I believe my main suffering and traumatic stress was caused by the totally unsympathetic attitude of the team who 'cared ' for me.

An unkind word can make the difference between you coping with the situation and remembering it as 'unfortunate' but that good because you came out of it with a live baby - to it affecting you adversely for a very long time at a very deep and traumatic level!

More than one unkind word and a lack of a caring attitude is in my opinion tantamount to harm , when someone is in labour and vulnerable.

I found that the way I was talked to at this so very special moment in my life, affected my self esteem in a core way and the lack of control I experienced due to not being listened to and even being told ( in my case ) to shut up when I was panicking because I knew things were going wrong meant that I entered motherhood feeling that noting was within my control.......

However I believe – and know due to enquiries in the hospital a few years after my birth - I was spoken to and treated as I was in labour due to my being in labour in a department that was under stress itself and not coping as a team, and so could not cope well with anything out of the ordinary or births that were not straight forward

When I was in labour they were stretched even more by staff off sick and others being re-directed due to a major accident. This does not excuse it but mostly I was just not seen to or given any attention and the rudeness happened only when I asked for this attention, and this was enough to traumatise me for years……….

However from what you describe I feel that your situation was different - I think that you also suffered deliberate bullying by a midwife!!! This is totally unacceptable, whatever your age or circumstances a mother in labour should be treated with utmost respect at all times ( as should all hospital patents) having worked in the ‘caring’ professions and having been a hospital patent so many times the last operation being last week -----

I know how difficult this high standard can be to meet when you are stressed yourself – but I still believe this can never be compromised . And while now over 16 years when this happened to me, hospitals were not so aware of the importance of this, now ALL hospital departments are fully aware of this

And your midwife totally broke all the rules just with that one statement to you and I am sure this is not the only time you were not respected during your birth experience?


continued below

[Veritee]

Anyway what am I trying to say?

I think that first of all I want to suggest that you talk to someone about your birth experience. When I had my birth their was no one really who understood how this could affect a mum but I did have lots of counselling and even made a complaint to the hospital some 3 years later as I was too unwell to do it before and did not know even that I could - but this was too late really help me feel better or to prevent it happening to others

( and at that time the hospital I went to had many mothers complaining and several years later it was recognised that things had gone wring in the maternity section - but again too late for me)

However it is never too late to find closure for yourself and not long ago I spoke to a newish organisation The Birth Trauma Association which is UK based and can be found here:

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/cont_women.htm

When they first started out they actually put you in touch with individual counsellors and the one I spoke to was amazing - she eased my pain over the birth that I had carried for over 15 years at the time.

But I think know that they have grown to big to provide this but they do have links to messageboards where the people who run and use it go on…….

and they have a section for women’s stories, you could write yours to offer them but if this is too much reading the other stories might help too?

However I feel that due to the fact you have had no help to come to terms with what happened, personally I would suggest writing an email to the organisation with an outline of what happened ( and include the unethical and discussing way you were spoken to, no woman in labour should have anyone bully them like this)

And ask if they can put you in touch with a counsellor who understands – I only spoke to someone on the phone for about 2 hours and that was just so helpful for me-

But as your experience was not long ago I really urge you to consider making a formal complaint through the right channels. And especially if you are considering having another baby

( I have much to say about this – perhaps another time as I really felt like you that another baby if the birth went well might get rid of the diamonds from the first – but I was too scared to try )

You never want this to happen to you again and I would think you would not want it to happen to another.
Women sometimes get scared to complain, but as long as you do it properly it will mean that you will be treated very well if you ever go in the same department again, if will not make things worse for you – not just a letter to the department, but an official complaint using the ombudsman if need be –

I can give you contacts of orgs that can guide you through how to do this.

While the individuals who treated you like this may not be happy, they will never be allocated you again and while there are always the odd bad apple – I truly believe that most health professionals, especially midwives etc want to do their job well and want a mum to leave the ward feeling she was cared for well whatever her physical circumstances

So I know that if you complain through the right channels and continue to be assertive if you go in again, you will probably be respected for it , but at the very least it will be ensured that in future you will be treated with respect and your needs listened to.

While it was too late for me re Cajas birth, I have had many hospital stays since and been treated once or twice less than respectfully and I have never again let it go . I was disabled in an accident and know that sooner or later I shall be back in the same department – if not the same ward

And I learned by my labour experience that it pays not to let it go. I always get treated with great respect and I am listened to every step of the way.

I must be their worst nightmare really - they all know who I am when I go into a ward even if they have never met me – but as long as I am treated well, and get what I need to minimise any trauma I do not care…

Anyway, as usual I have completely overwhelmed your diary – sorry

However if you try the Birth Trauma Association, you are so welcome on here too – the more support the better I feel

All the best

Veritee

[Veritee]

PS

I think your friend does not understand at all how Prozac and other SSRIs Anti Ds work and is equating them with drugs that are used recreationally.

No one uses SSRIs recreationally precisely because they do not get you high - so their is no point!!!

That plus they take 2 to 4 weeks to kick in fully, mean that they are rarely used by anyone except because they have been prescribed and a GP thinks they will help you.
Also no one on then would take more than they need as they do not give you a 'buzz'

Taking Prozac for PNI is like me currently taking painkillers after my latest operation where my leg was re-broken

I need the medication to make me comfortable and help me get through.

Isabell’s mum made the same point yesterday veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=1495
I find it interesting that a CPN said this as for many years I have been making this point on here as I think it is a very helpful comparison that really gets it through that PNI is an illness too.

Especially since my own leg was so broken a few years ago - and recently I have heard CPN, and HV saying it too while they did not in the past so I would not be surprised if this view has permeated form this forum!!!!

But this is right and perhaps it would be helpful for you to tell your friends that PNI is an illness and use this comparison between PNI and a broken leg??

It is a common misconception of those whose only knowledge of mood altering drugs is from the media ( or first hand) about recreational used drugs and to assume that Prozac etc is the same ..

it is not - it is a necessary medicine for a very real illness - just like long term painkillers for a broken leg ( I shall be on painkillers and in plaster for at least 8 months or longer and you could be on Prozac for 6 months up to 2 years if they work for you.

I do not think it would be helpful for your friends who you will be mixing with whilke you are ill, to misunderstand about the medication you are on - so why not cut and paste and print out this so they understand the difference?

If she anyone suggests they will make you high again why not say something like , no not at all, they are a long acting medication that I need as I am not making enough serotonin takes weeks to kick in and do not make anyone high s

See veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=1495


Sorry this is the last I'll say today - just their were so many things I wanted to respond to but due to my own recent op have not been able to

veritee

[emilyalwaysblue]

Hi
Thanks for the reply and the support you have shown. I do myself think that after my labour I was suffereing from post traumatic stress disorder. My labour was hellish and I wasnt listened to at all. I was treated like a child and my own wishes were not acted upon. The first midwife I had on the labour ward was quite old and she was probably old fashioned, though the one that came on at 6am was fanatstic/
I already changed hospitals in my area as I wasnt happy with the cleanliness of the 1st. Im not the sort of person to complain very much about things to peoples faces but I will have a look on the link you sent and see what I think. I am thinking about another baby at the moment, me and hubby are in discussion??
Anyways on with the diary..........
Finlay slept quite well last nigt, he woke once at 2am but went back over until 8am this morning. I woken by a strange rattling noise, which when I checked on him was the sound of him chewing the monitor. Since he has been able to pull himself up he has caused havoc. I forget how mobile he is and Im always finding him with odds and ends in his mouth. My husband got in from work at 8am this morning and told me to go back to bed and get some rest as Imnot feeling to well (he is such a sweetie) but I was watching birth programmes on sky (Im addicted) and didnt go. Kicking my self now as I could of done with an extra hour.
Got a busy week up ahead of us, we are having our whole house rewired, complete nightmare and have to pack everything away into boxes. The builder that came round told me my house was going to be like "armageddon" thanks mate, that really made me feel great. Luckily my husband still has a weeks leave to take and we are going to go and stay with is family for a week in newcastle. A bit of a break for us an dme and the hubby get to let our hair down for a night!
Finlay went down for a nap a while a go and me and hubby took 10 minutes to jump in bed and have a cuddle togther. Just simple things like that make me happy. Finlay soon joined us and my fanatstic family snuggeled togther