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Post by AC on Jan 19, 2004 20:27:42 GMT
I had a very traumatic labour which resulted in an emergency casaerean.I also had a massive haemorrage and had to have a 6 pint blood transfusion. I was diagnosed with post natal depression in November 2002.(My son was born in october 2002).I have been on anti-depressents since then.I have also been seeing a cpn who visited me at home every week at first and now i attend a pnd group every week which i find very helpful. For the past 2 months,i have stopped taking my medication,without my doctors knowledge.I feel myself drastically going down hill fast and my mood is changing for the worse. Some days i feel okay and other days i just cry.I seem to have lost all my self esteem and confidence.I rarely want to go out,and if i do go out,i only want to go where i wont see anyone i know. I love my son so much,and he is so good,and rarely gives me any trouble,and yet i feel so unhappy and horrible.
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Post by Sharon1 on Jan 19, 2004 21:34:57 GMT
If you come off the medication too quickly, it can affect you like this. You can end up feeling even worse than you did in the first place. I experienced this when a doctor stopped mine as he thought they were unnecessary and I should just cheer up! My GP put me straight back on them and helped me reduce the dose gradually. He said your body forgets how to make its own serotonin so if you just stop you end up with none. Taking anti-depressants is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds to me as though you need to talk to your doctor before you get much lower, for your sake and your son's. Try not to feel guilty for being unhappy, it really isn't your fault. Take care
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Becca
New Member
My name is Rebecca, I am 27 years old, I have a wee boy Kieran who is 3, I have had PND since Nov01
Posts: 20
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Post by Becca on Jan 19, 2004 22:41:55 GMT
Hi AC Sorry to hear you are feeling so low, I think that you must see your GP ASAP before things get any worse. Stopping the anti d's has to be done gradually, your GP should be able to help, I am quite sure he/she will put you back on them and then after a while, when you feel string enough you can speak to them about reducing the dose, they will be able to do this properly, your body needs time to readjust and start producing the chemicals needed again. I have also done the same as you with pretty much the same results. Please dont be hard on yourself for felling so unhappy just now. You have to remember that this is not you, it is the PND that is making you feel this way, and given time it will get better, it is so easy for others to say that but beleive me it will. For now though take care of yourself and do not expect too much at once, it is a gradual process, but you will get there.
Take care, Becca
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Post by AC on Jan 20, 2004 10:32:48 GMT
Thanks so much for the advice.I cant tell you why i stopped taking the medication,i guess i felt that i didnt need them anymore. Last time i went to see my GP he was different to the times i had seen him before.When i first starting seeing him he was really supportive and offered lots of advice,but the last time i saw him,he was quite firm and without saying such words almost told me to pull myself together.Perhaps he is right and i should just pull myself together,But it is so hard. I went to my pnd group yesterday and ended up in tears in front of the others who also attend,We were discussing negative feelings and i mentioned that my employers have got to make a decision about my employment due to my long term sickness. I thought it would help to discuss this and before i knew it,i felt sick and could feel myself getting upset.And then before i knew it tears were running down my face and i had to leave the group,just to pull myself together.Everyone was supportive (I think) I just felt like a complete idiot.I suppose it just proves that im not alright and that things are still bad for me,even though i try and put on a brave face. Other people in the group seem to be able to talk about how they feel without being reduced to tears,but i just cant do it,I wish i could,i probably bottle everything up all week and then when the time comes to discuss the PND,I open up too much and end up in tears. . I always thought that PND effected those with new born babies,yet my son is now 15 months old and here i am still feeling bad,I cant seem to pick myself up and everyday i feel sad and miserable.
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Post by claire on Jan 20, 2004 13:56:01 GMT
Well your situation sounds pretty similar to mine but i think i am just over a year ahead of you. like you, i had a traumatic birth and a blood transfusion. I also only got diagnosed when my daughter was actually 15 months old - the point you are at now. I think it is nothing out of the ordinary to be feeling the way you do - it really isn't that long since you had your baby! Don't be so hard on yourself - i can 100% guarantee you that every woman in your class had full understanding when you cried - for me a huge part of the illness was uncontrollable tears at any given time, they will all understand. I'm not surprised you felt you should come off the anti-d's after your GP's terrible attitude - but never ever just stop taking them without it being very gradual over a long period. I was on them for a year, then gradually reduced the dose (managed by my supportive GP - i think you need a new one!) - this stage took over 6 months in itself. Your GP hasn't given you the support or understanding he should have, it is shocking that we still have to put up with this from so called health professionals - luckily i now have a fabulous GP and health visitor. the "pull yourself together" attitude is so destructive and no help at all, and makes people feel so guilty - you deserve better.
my daughter is 3 in 2 weeks time, i am so much better than i was, but reading your messages was like reading myself - you need to see your GP/health visitor ASAP, as you know that as soon as you feel the anxiety rising, the confidence and self esteem dropping, that the anti-d's are still needed. Sharon said in her message that she was told your body can forget how to produce serotonin - that's what my GP said. Once you've felt well for a period of time whilst on the drugs, (6 months?)that's when the very gradual reduction of them begins and hopefully where your body picks up the production again, but it takes time. IT's amazing to think that the lack of serotonin can make us feel so wretched in so many ways, but it does. Please hang in there, please stay positive, and please start taking the medication again - you don't have to feel like this, you're doing a great job
Claire
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Post by AC on Jan 21, 2004 14:07:28 GMT
I wish i had known about this fab site a few months ago.I feel better knowing that you lot are out there reading this and giving constuctive advice. I know i attend my group which is also great,but somehow its better being able to write how im feeling down rather than speeking aloud,which i find upsetting. Im feeling a bit better today,even though i have had another letter this morning from my employers (About terminating my contract due to ill health) My partner read the letter and said that i shouldnt let it bother me and that there is more to life than work,Seeing the baby do new things daily is far more rewarding than any job.
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Post by Claire on Jan 22, 2004 10:39:26 GMT
Good to hear you find this site useful, i too find it easier to write it all down rather than speak about it, i hate crying in public (i know i shouldn't, i know it is normal) and i think there is the "british" stiff upper lip thing we all have in us which is no help at all and complete tosh.
regards your employer - if you can do without the money, then stuff 'em! if you are financially okay, then take this opportunity to focus on yourself, your baby, and your husband, and you have a golden opportunity to take things at your own pace not dictated by the workplace. Your husband is right - there is so much more to life, work often is a huge obstacle. if only we didn't have to eh?
just a final point - how long have you been off sick? have you got any advice re your statutory rights in terms of employment law and if they in fact can terminate your contract.........check it out at the citizens advice bureau.....you may be entitled to sickness benefit too?
practical details aside, take it one day at a time
Love Claire
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Post by Karlou on Jan 22, 2004 10:56:36 GMT
I have just discovered this site, this is the first string of posts I have read, and everyone's story sounds sooo familiar. I, too, have been on my anti-d's for 12 months and am looking to slowly come off them.
AC, I agree with everyone's advice. I think for your sake and your sons sake you really should think about finding a new supportive GP and going back on your medication. Then once you feel stable again for a decent amount of time, you can gradually come off them. My GP has told me that it's not uncommon for PND sufferers to be on medication for a couple of years or more. Take care.
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Post by ac on Jan 22, 2004 16:55:55 GMT
My current GP seemed to be very supportive at the beggining,(Over a year ago),its only the last time i saw him that his attitude was different.He wasnt horrible,he just said that unless i get out and about more that i will never get my self esteem or confidence back,and that i need to start doing things that i dont want to do !?! I almost feel guilty moaning about him,maybe i took it the wrong way last time i saw him,however it has put me off going back to see him,so here i am plodding along again.I am on sertraline(100mg) anti-d's and i started taking them again on monday and they are making me feel really sick.So i am dubious about taking anymore.But i dont feel that i can go and see my GP incase he gives me another lecture.He is still giving me medical certificates,but i havent seen him since November last year.I just ring the surgery and they get him to sign one for me. As for my employment,I had been with the same company since 1991,Never had any time off sick apart from a day here and there.I fell pregnant (Unplanned),worked right through to near my due date. I had planned to take 18 weeks off maternity leave, i then wanted a little longer so i took another 6 weeks. I knew then that i was struggling,so asked my boss if i could take some holiday which i was owed,which i did.My boss was very supportive and said that i could do a 3 day week for 8 weeks to get me back in to it gradually,then go back to full time.The day came for me to return and i was up all night crying,feeling sick and i could have slashed my wrists,i was not ready for this yet. (Retail Manager). I rang her up at 7am and said that i wasnt ready and that i couldnt go in.I was hysterical on the phone.She told me not to worry and to ring the personnell department at 9am. Suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders,i composed myself and rang.I asked her if i could extend my maternity leave,however it wasnt possible,as on paper i had officially returned to work,because of the holiday i had taken.I felt sick,and started to panic again. So from that day on which was march 2003 i was off sick,i had the full company sick pay,i have had all the statuatry sick pay that i was entitled to and i am currently on Incapacity benefit.I have had 2 group medicals and both of the reports have come back saying that i am not fit for work for the foreseable future,And that my employers now have to make a decision. So that brings me up to now.My most recent letter was from my work to say that we had discussed the termination of my employment over the phone(in tears) and that personnell was contacting the pensions department (I had a pension with the company that i started in about 1998) to obtain further information. Im having another bad day today,feel awful,had a few tears,and feel like im being swallowed up by PND.
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Post by Elaine on Jan 22, 2004 19:05:37 GMT
Hi
So sorry to hear you are feeling down at the moment.
Is it really necessary for you to return to work? The reason I ask is that I also went through a terrible time when it was my time to return to work. I had had quite a good spell of feeling fairly good but as soon as the dreaded date started getting nearer I started to feel awful, depressed, panicky and really did not want to go back to work. After a lot of meetings and talks I decided not to return and am so glad I didn't. You are suffering enough at the moment with the PND and the worries with work are only adding to that stress.
You have obviously worked there a long time and it means a lot to you, but perhaps you could think about taking a year or so out just to enjoy your babe and start to get out and about in your own time when you feel ready. Then you could think about returning to work either part-time or full-time.
I am so glad I didn't go back to work even though I was adamant I would. I am in no way knocking working mums cause I think they are fantastic, but you should only return to work when you feel ready and happy.
I hope you don't think I am being pushy and bossy, but I know how stressful it can be returning to work and you don't need that sort of stress at the moment.
Put yourself first for a change - you are a very important person and your wellbeing is paramount!!
Take care.
Elaine
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Post by Alison C on Jan 22, 2004 20:21:17 GMT
Thanks so much Elaine. It isnt really neccesary for me to work,obviously the money would be nice,But work was so important to me before i had my son.I worked my way up in the company,and although i really think you are right when you say that the thought of work is adding to my stress.It just seems so final once my contract is terminated,as if all those hard years of trying to be successful is down the pan. When i am home sometimes,i feel really lazy because i am not working,i know that looking after a 15 month old is hard going sometimes,but its a different type of hard work (If that makes sense). I have never claimed any kind of benefit and when i needed to,i was totally stuck as i didnt know where to start.Luckily my CPN when with me to the Citizens advice,and they were brilliant. Because i have always worked for whatever i have,i almost feel as though i am sponging off the state,And i used to criticise other people doing that. Another worry i have at the moment is facing my Group on Monday after this week.I am so embarrased about crying like i did.I am really considering not going,but then i wont do myself any favours.I used to be such a strong confident person prior to all this,now i feel like i am a nervous wreck.
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Post by Sharon on Jan 22, 2004 20:59:58 GMT
I also felt like you do about returning to work. I felt strong enough, but once I went back the depression got worse. I missed my first son's first crawling, first steps and I hated it. I didn't return to work after the birth of my second, I was a single parent by then and knew I couldn't cope with all the pressures. I still got depressed, but at least I had no guilt about letting people down. I kept in touch with my real friends from work and made new ones through toddler groups! I think when/if you go back to your PND group the others will be supportive, after all they're in the same boat as you. I hope the medication works for you soon! Thinking of you Looking after and raising children is a very important job. I admire mothers who go out to work and have been one. Parenting is just not recognised as a career in our country which I think is a shame for those who choose it. If you can afford to take a career break I reckon you should go for it.
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Post by Elaine on Jan 22, 2004 21:00:43 GMT
Oh Alison I really feel for you. You are being so hard on yourself.
I know exactly what you mean about having a demanding job and working so hard to get where you are. I too worked as a Secretary to the manager of our depot and I loved every second of it. I felt so involved and really appreciated. It was great to go in each day and not know what was ahead for the day. Now though, you know exactly what is happening, breakfast, changing nappies, sleeptime, play, out for a walk - know what I mean. You obviously had a very good job and were totally absorbed in what you did. So to go from that to being on your own all day with no company and a demanding little person is a complete shock to the system.
I definitely know what you mean about a different kind of work in looking after a baby. But just remember you are in demand from the moment you get up to the moment that little babe goes to bed - say 6am till 7pm. I bet you didn't do those hours at work. You are totally responsible for your baby and that in itself is demanding mentally as well as physically. I went through a stage of feeling terrible if I didn't get on with housework, ironing and cleaning when my little girl was asleep, but one day I was talking to my neighbour about the amount of housework I had to do and she said to me "My dear when you have a baby to look after make the most of your free time. Housework can be done, tomorrow, the day after or the day after that! I will always remember that. I do get a bit done each day but I don't beat myself up if I fancy a sit down to watch This Morning and neither should you. You are most definitely not lazy, just not used to not working in a full time, demanding job.
Don't feel embarrassed about going to your PND group. Remember all those women know what you are going through. There is nothing wrong in showing your emotions and crying is a great way of releasing all your pent up fears and frustrations.
As for feeling you are not the strong, confident person you used to be, well I think you are. You have made the effort to contact this site, write down your feelings and attend your PND Group. Your confidence may be a bit wobbly at the moment but you have good reason for this - PND.
I know I have waffled on a bit Alison and I hope I haven't gone on too much. But believe me you are still the same confident, brilliant woman you were before the baby came along but that little blighter PND has taken tose feeling hostage (only way I can describe it) for the time being, but believe me they will be back, with a vengance.
If you ever want a chat you can always email me on elaine.anne@virgin.net
Take care and be proud of yourself honey.
Love Elaine xx
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Post by AC on Jan 23, 2004 8:44:53 GMT
Thanks again Elaine,
I cant tell you how much your kind advice has meant to me.
I went to bed lastnight going over and over the advice i have been given.And i actually managed to get quite a good nights sleep.
Like i have said in previous posts,i wish i had known about this site a few months ago when i was at my lowest.
I guess i will be brave and go to my PND group on Monday.And i will let you all know how it went.
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Post by Claire on Jan 23, 2004 9:51:52 GMT
Alison
i really empathise with you - Elaine is exactley right in saying you are still the woman you always were but the PND has taken those abilities "hostage" for the time being - i know that re-starting the anti-d's makes you feel nauseous - but stick with it - the sickness lasts for a short time and is such a little price to pay for the benefit of the medication.
Regards work - taking a break, if you can afford too, is a fabulous thing to do - it doesn't take away any of the achievements you've made so far in your career, that can never be taken away from you - once you are well and have given yourself time to recover, then maybe you can pick up where you left off - you won't sink back down the career ladder you have tried so hard to climb - it's all there on your CV, i know many mums who have done what you are having to do. I think we have to battle against a lot of stereotypes and stigma in this country - to work or not to work, worrying about people's perceptions of you if you decide not to work after years of full time hours, being on anti-depressants - in the end it's too much pressure to worry about these thngs and at the end of the day it's not important, what is the main thing is your health, your baby and your husband - just focus on those key things and forget the rest - even work, for the time being. One part of my PND was huge anxiety about everything - everything was a huge issue so in the end you have to force yourself to "downsize" all the things running round your head and force yourself to think about what is really important. Take it a day at a time.
Love Claire
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