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Post by MANDY on Feb 8, 2004 21:26:10 GMT
Hi Alison
Oh my god, i really didn't mean to sound so up myself on my last posting! I didn't mean to come across so badly - i just wanted to let you know that, in my situation, talking to my husband kind of helped. To be honest, i started off the conversation with him to kick off an arguement because i was in the mood for a bit of a row but it actually ended up being helpful. I completely understand that your partner might not appreciate being blamed for your pnd (or even part of it) what man would? I'm surprised my husband didn't go off on one but he listened which helped. Please don't think i was trying to put pressure on you and you partner by insisting that you tell him its all his fault!!
Anyway, hope you're having a better time at the moment and i look forward to going to the group on Monday -i'm actually a bit nervous!
Take care sweetie
MANDY XX
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Post by AC on Feb 8, 2004 22:03:18 GMT
Hi Mandy,
I didnt take your last posting as being bad.i found it really helpful,so please dont feel ashamed of writing it !
I just wish i could talk to my partner about things that are bothering me but i cant do it.
I am feeling nervous about going to the group tomorrow,but i will be there !
Look forward to seeing you and we can swap mobile numbers.
Lots of love Alison xxx
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Post by AC on Feb 10, 2004 10:39:53 GMT
I went to my group yesterday and although i didnt want to go in the morning,Im glad that i did go and it was good. We were there on our own without the guidance of the CPN.This was something that i was dreading,but we all managed to talk and i felt that a few of the women opened up more yesterday than what they had before.
We got talking about Why we have pnd again.Its strange how in the group,we are all different ages,different backgrounds,but we all have pnd.It really can hit just about anybody,and it doesnt matter who you are.
I feel like i have made such good friends ,at the group and on this site.I dont mind if no-body reads my postings,at the time i feel better writing it all down and being able to clear my head.
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Post by MANDY on Feb 10, 2004 12:58:22 GMT
Hi Alison
I'm glad you found the pnd group helpful yesterday - you seemed really upbeat which is good.
It was good to see that most of us came - its nice to have that support around us.
It certainly made people open up a lot more not having the cpn there - thats a good sign.
Anyway, best get to work and earn some money to fund my chocolate habit!
Have a happy day and i'll see you at the baby group tomorrow (hopefully!)
Thinking of you XX
MANDY XX
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Post by AC on Feb 10, 2004 16:12:33 GMT
Its really nice to be able to come on to this site and say that Im having a good day !!!! Woke up quite positive,didnt feel fat,was happy and had a bit of confidence in being a mum. I have spent a lot of the day on the floor playing with my son and enjoying having the time with him. I really think that the Anti-d's have finally kicked in,i will not be coming back off them for a year and wil be following my doctors advice.I didnt realise just how much i needed them.I dont think anyone does unless they come off them ! I spoke to a friend on the phone today,she asked me why i wasnt back at work yet.Still couldnt face telling her that i have PND,i just said That im spending more time with my son.( Strange how i feel so ashamed to say i have pnd,i wouldnt think twice about telling her if i had a bad back or something !) I am determined to go to the mum and baby group tomorrow with the others.Im actually quite looking forward to it,i just hope i dont chicken out by the time tomorrow comes !!
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Post by Tina on Feb 10, 2004 22:26:52 GMT
Hi AC
I really pleased you have had a good day, it's nice to hear.
I read what you said about not being able to tell freinds that you have PND. I am lucky I am able to tell freinds (now). I will try and explain why I think for me it has been part of the healing process and also an eye opener!
When we was trying for a baby and it didn't happen we were faced with having infertilty treatment and the question of whether we told anyone or not. However for us the decision was easy because our friends had been though the same problem. They had choosen to tell hardly anyone, not even their families because they were ashamed. The whole process proved to be a nightmare, firstly endless people kept asking them 'when are you going to have a baby?' and endless other well meaning questions. Then there was the side effects of the treatment and the mood swings. There was no support no one was there fore them becuase no one knew. Things went from worse to worse. The treatment did not work and they almost split up from it all. She ended up on anti dep. He has raised blood pressure. We knew right from the start that we would be open and tell all our freinds. The support they gave us was unbelivable. everyone was there fore us. It help us get through it.
When I accepted I had PND I was open with freinds and family and the amount of people who opened up to me and said they had also had it was unbelivable. One girl I had worked with had never said a thing and she has been great. She knows just how I feel, she tried to throw herself down the stairs, thinking life was not worth living! You would never know it now, she has got through it. I have found through openess that the support I have got has been great. I know they are not there all the time but just a friendly face with a knowing smile can make all the difference now and then. I know it's not easy to tell someone but after the first one it get easier. You will also be surprised who else has had it when you talk to them!
That my story for what it's worth. I know everyone is different but for me it has helped. I am not ashamed I have PND I have an illness, which I will recover from. I have just realised that writing this down has made me feel better. I hope it helps someone else as well.
Take care see you tomorrow.
Tina.
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Post by AC on Feb 12, 2004 10:00:22 GMT
Tina,
Thanks for your last message .
When i was working i was very much a perfectionist and everything had to be right.I was often top at most things,Sales,Accounts,stock loss,labour turnover,customer service etc etc.
I guess now that i am a mum i want to be a perfectionist in that aswell.To say i have PND to me is a letdown.I do worry about what other people think of me especially my old colleagues and friends,and would be very ashamed if they knew i had PND.
I think there is this stigma that women with PND are bad mothers, cant bear their babies being near them,reject them,and want to hurt them.
I fortunately dont fit in to the category.Ive never thought of harming my son,i like to be near him and like being a mum.
I now know that PND comes in different forms,i just seem to have the feeling low and grieving for my old life type.
I still beleive that PND is not spoken about enough,perhaps im partly to blame as i dont speak about it enough.It still seems to be a ' hush hush ' topic..
I agree with what you say about Friends and family being more supportive.I built up the courage to tell my sister in law.She has been really great ever since,very supportive.If i dont want to go out,she understands,Where as i dont think she understood before,she would have said im being boring.
But with my staff and work colleagues,i really couldnt face them knowing.If i am out in the town and see anyone ,i would quickly get into a shop,or go the opposite way just to avoid a conversation.I know that sounds terrible,But PND has done that to me.
I enjoyed the Mum and baby group yesterday,glad i went.
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Post by jaxuk on Feb 12, 2004 13:01:22 GMT
I am new to this forum and am glad you have had the support offered by the other postings. You are not on your own and thank goodness your PND is being recognised and treated. I masked it for some 8 years before collapsing in a heap. There is no shame in taking medication especially if it helps you. We are so hard on our selves. We cannot all be supermums and superwomen and I'm not sure I believe anymore that they exist. In the old days my mum used to say that it took a year after a baby's birth to 'get your marbles back' even without any problems. Be kind to yourself. It may well take a while and take all the help that is offered. You and your family deserve it. Take each day at a time and be glad that you can enjoy your beautiful child
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Post by AC on Feb 13, 2004 17:33:16 GMT
I know i should feel very lucky that i can stay home and look after my son.He is such a character and does new things everyday.I wouldnt want to be at work missing all that.
But every day i still think about my life before him,when i really loved work and most days looked forward to going.
I feel like i want to be split in two..Half of me continue to raise my son the best i can and be at home...And the other half to be back to work without my son around.
I purchased a book yesterday on Amazon called BABY SHOCK! It was mentioned on another posting.It arrived this morning and looks really interesting,I think it is mostly about relationships and the strain that children have on a relationship.
Hopefully i will be able to grab an hour later when my ' little man ' goes to bed to have a read through.
When i was at a mum and baby group in the week,we got onto the subject of partners.I still very much believe that my partners life hasnt changed at all since our son was born,he still does what he wants to do,still goes out and still sleeps at night.Its me that has had the biggest culture shock.
I want to finish on a positive note...I lost another 2.5 lbs at slimming world last night !
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Post by AC on Feb 13, 2004 21:00:11 GMT
I am feeling really anxious.A few of us are going to London early hours of sunday morning for a car show. My parents are looking after our son Saturday night and all day sunday.They love him to bits and he loves them.They are really looking forward to having him. But i feel sick,i dont want to go,i worry incase he gets upset,i panic incase something should happen. Just typing this is making me really upset.I just dont want to leave him.If i say i dont want to go my partner will be really angry. My son means the world to me and i just want him near me.i can leave him for a few hours and im okay,but this will be a long time to leave him. help,I feel sick.
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Post by Tina on Feb 13, 2004 21:25:59 GMT
Hi Alison,
Well done another 2.5lbs, worth missing those jaffa cakes! I will be interested in hearing about the book when you have read it.
The work thing is hard. Some days I ring up almost every hour to find out whats happening in work. I have been known to go into work just to be in company. I even act like I am in charge! I worked for years(22) to build the business up and it's awful watching some one else run it. I am convienced that they can't do half the job I did, but in reality things still go on without me and that hurts even more. I try and fill my days I hate being in. When I am in I get down.
What I am trying to say is I am trying to find a life outside of work. A new life, I have not finished work altogether I am taking a break. When I am ready I will go back. That's how I cope.
Somedays it's easier than other. I want both worlds work and a family and one day I will have both!
This year I deceided to be true to myself and stop beating myself up over things I can't change. I am not a stay at home mum, that's not me and as soon as I am well enough I have to go back to work. I can be just as good a mum to my son working, in reality I will probably be a better mum.
You can probably tell I have some major issues over not working just like yourself and many other mothers. But I struggle on and I not even touched on the money isssue.
I will see you monday,
Take care
Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 16, 2004 9:40:21 GMT
Im not feeling great today.
On saturday i had a letter from A medical department,telling me that i need to go for a medical regarding my Incapacity benefit.
I have had 2 medicals for my company in the past 8 months,and both have stated that i am unfit for work .
I am really annoyed that they sent the letter during the weekend as i have been worried sick about it and couldnt contact anyone regarding the letter as it was the weekend.
I have never claimed ANY benefit up until now,i have worked full time from the age of 16.And when i need that little bit of help from the benefits agency they seem to be looking fro reasons to say that i am not entitled.
I am woried sick about this,its not a lot of money that i am receiving,however it is helping.I have phoned my local benefits office today to ask for some information,only to be told that all the staff are on Strike !!
It is things like this,that knocks me back over the edge again.I feel sick,that horrible anxiety feeling is back again.
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Post by Emma on Feb 17, 2004 10:26:24 GMT
So sorry you're feeling so bad but I think I might be able to help ...
I work on a television programme called This Morning on ITV1. We will shortly be covering Post Natal Depression on the show, we're hoping to raise awareness and help people that have been maybe misdiagnosed or given the wrong treatment. We'll have our resident doctor and psychologist on hand to help and advise.
Would you be interested in taking part? Do give me call Emma x 0207 578 4165
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Post by AC on Feb 18, 2004 10:00:05 GMT
I am feeling terrible today,i got up quite early feeling okay and as the morning has gone on i am getting worse and worse. I feel really panicky,having palpitations,crying,anxiety,everything that i havent had for a good couple of weeks. I have only just got my son up from bed as i had to try and pull myself together first.I didnt want him to see me in a total state. My partner has just nipped home from work and i was in the wardrobe getting dressed and i was in a right state,crying and i told him that i am panicking.He put his arms around me and told me that he would go back to work,and come home in about an hour.He was really understanding and tried to reassure me that everything is alright.He hasnt seen me like that before and i now think he realises just how bad things are sometimes. I cant stop shaking,crying and feeling like i want to be out of it. The past 2 weeks have been really good,i have had a couple of down days since the weekend,but today i feel as if i have hit rock bottom again.I had taken the advice from my CPN and had gone to our group and have gone to the mum and baby group,and i have felt chuffed with myself for going,even though it is something so simple,for me it was a big step. Today i cant even face going outside the door let alone going to the mum and baby group. When i have good days,i really start to believe that i am over this,and that i am recovering,but then a bad day comes and all i want to do is curl up in a little ball and hide from everyone.Now im crying again,i just want to be my old confident self.I find it so hard to cope with and feel like i am being eaten by the PND,and i am just not strong enough to fight it. The feelings of being lazy,stupid and horrible are all there today,i feel totally useless. I feel really really down,the tears are streaming and i need to escape from this, i just want to run away to get away from everything.Im no use to anyone.
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Post by ClaireB on Feb 18, 2004 11:01:04 GMT
AC
You are clearly having a bad day! i know exactely what you mean about the uncontrollable tsrs, the shaking, the panic -and the fact that you have had an okay time until the last couple of days. the slightest thing (Eg that letter!) can tip you over the edge. Firstly it is just standard practice that the benefits agency are asking you to attend a medical - it isn't that they suspect you are lying.
Also, you seem to be feeling that the fact you are feeling back is a reflection on your personal capability and strength - it isn't! if you are feeling bad, it isn't that you have been dfeated, it is just that you are ill and sometimes PND isn't something that we can get through without a little assistance. Are you on / have you tried anti-depressants? i went through the cycle of feeling fine/spiralling down/ feeling fine / spiralling down for 15 months - and i found each time i went down it was worse each time - i was determined to battle it "on my own" and saw medication as an admission of failure and was reluctant to take them because of my pre-conceptions and opinions of anti-d's. I was so wrong, eventually i tried citalopram and of course the first 2 weeks had side effects, but after 3 or 4 weeks, the old "me" began to re-surface and i haven't looked back. I only wish i'd tried them a year or more earlier, i feel i missed out on enjoying my baby properly because i left it unattended for so long.
Please let me know what you think, if you have thought about medication...so many people seem t think they should "try without them"......i have been off themnow for a year and they just returned "me" back to "me", which i never thought was possible after so many times of crying in a ball on the floor wanting to die.....please let me know what you think,
Claire
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