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Post by deborah on Feb 24, 2004 21:48:05 GMT
dear Alison, I read your posting tonight and i hope the following will help you. First of all you don't need to go for a medical if you have PNI. A letter from your GP is usually all you need. If you want to go ask the CPN to go with you. you have a real illness, nothing to be ashamed of nor do you need to ''prove'' anything. Ask the GP to intervene for you, don't put yourself through this-use all the help you are offered. Your work: Alison get your CPN to telephone Maternity Alliance to find out your rights at work as you have PNI. Women with PNI have 'special' rights and you anything like that just because of this illness. Please look into it-as it may help to take some stress off you. Last of all have you had any listening visits/advice/counselling after your support group sessions? Does anyone talk through any issues you have personally with you, to try and reduce your stress? Take care and i hope this helps Deborah xx
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Post by AC on Feb 25, 2004 8:42:59 GMT
Thanks Deborah.
I rang my work after i posted my last message yesterday.Felt physically sick,had a lump in my throat,But i done it.
She told me that they are still waiting to hear from the pensions department,and that was why she hasnt been in contact.I told her that i have been woried sick about it all.
My partner came in as i was on the phone to her.I told him that i had rung work to find out what was going on,he made a joke and said " who wants mummy to stay at home ? " And put my sons hands in the air and also grabbed the dog and put his legs in the air !
He doesnt know that i have to go for this medical,i havent told him.
Feeling odd again today,cant explain it.
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Post by AC on Feb 25, 2004 20:18:15 GMT
feeling awful again this evening.
I have been looking after my parents Budgie while they are on Holiday.He is still at their house and i go around there everyday and give him fresh water and seed.My mumhas had her bird for nearly 10 years.We got him when i was still living at home with them.My mum spent a lot of time with the bird during the day,so much so that he talked very clearly.
Anyway i went around there this evening and the bird has died.I sort of went into shock and started panicking and blaming myself for him dying.I rang my dad to tell him,so that he could make the decision as to whether to tell my mum or to wait untill they return from their holiday.He did tell her and she rang me back really upset,but said she was expecting it as he was so old.It doesnt help the fact that i was the one who found him.This probably sounds totally ridiculous,its not like it was a dog or a cat.But to me it was still my mums pet and a very much loved pet at that.My partner came around and we buried him in my mums garden.I was crying like a baby,felt really stupid.
Tonight i just cant stop thinking about the poor little thing.Since all this PND stuff,i have become so sensitive that i cant seem to control my emotions.I really am blaming myself about the bird dying.
I also made the decision after talking to my friend today to ring my doctor about this medical next week.I am worried sick about it.I hope that maybe he would write to them or something.But just my luck he is on holiday this week.Everything seems to be blocking every path i take.
I feel generally miserable tonight.
Why cant just 1 thing go right this week.
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Post by MANDY on Feb 25, 2004 20:35:44 GMT
Hi Alison
I know it seems like everything is going pear shaped for you at the moment - and its not silly getting upset about your mum's bird. I've also become hyper sensitive since this pni started. Someone just has to look at me the wrong way and i cry! I know you're upset as you were the one looking after it but i'm sure your mum doesn't blame you. It sounds like she knew it was going to happen soon anyway.
Its also tough for you at the moment with regards to all your work issues (your medical etc). You really have got a lot to deal with let alone be a mum and keep the house going. All these things are going around in your head and they have been for a long time. I know from experience that once you make a decision, then i feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But its not always that easy to make a decision. I wish i'd taken extra time off before going back to work. I felt forced into giving up breastfeeding and forced into leaving my baby at such a young age (she was 4 months). I'm certain that's got alot to do with how i feel now. Don't be pressurised into making a decision - take all the time you can. Just be assured that at some point you will make a decision and hopefully it will be the right one for you.
You're doing so well at the moment - going to all your groups and everything - you have such a lot to feel proud of yourself for. I wish things were different for you and i hope you're week improves.
Take care and we'll speak tomorrow.
Thinking of you
Mandyxxx
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Post by Tina on Feb 26, 2004 9:05:03 GMT
Hi, Sorry about the budgie, the loss of any pet/companion is upsetting. But it's not your fault. Bad luck about the dr's but there is always monday to sort it out or Jennie. She would be willing to help I am sure. Today is a new day, we are all going out tonight so focus on the postive and try and put the negative from yesterday behind. I know it's not easy but you never know every thing might go right today! I will everyone a good laugh now. ;D My friend came round last night, she has never really acknowledged my son in the last 13 months. Just the odd passing comment, 'oh he's nice' while looking the other way. Well last night was make or break. I though about putting the toys away being that 'have baby but nothing has changed couple' or to be me. l deceided to be true to myself and the toys where left out as normal. I changed off and though I would make some hot nibbles to go with the wine! I was trying to juggle putting baby to bed, clean the house, tiddy the toys while cooking 'nibbles'. I was trying to be super mum. Oh dear I thought that fire alarm is playing up. I said to my friend and her husband 'just ignore it always doing that' that when I relaised that the niblbes were actually on fire! Instead of panicing I just went to the kitchen with my husband (who burnt his hand sorting out the mess) and we placed in nibbles in the bin and they were never mentioned again. My friend made my day by asking to see my son in his cot. He looked so cute even she had to say so! She then asked to see his baby photo's. That broke the ice and we started talking she said that she did not like babies but loved tolders and couldn't wait for to start asking 'why' and wanted to read him stories when he got older! I was so pleased. She also spoke about all my new friends I have made since having my son. I told her that I wanted all my 'before and after' friends. She said she was glad she would hate to lose me as a freind. I thought I had lost her as a friend and I had been very upset. I wonder now if I had pushed her away with PND. I think I thought she would not understand because she did not have any children. I hate PND because it makes us jump to conclusions and always think the worst. I am so glad I have sorted things out with my friend. I had missed her. I also come to a conclusion that hot 'nibbles' not work with a baby! I stick to crisps! and maybe considering my headache this morning I should leave of the wine as well! I look forward to seeing you tonight, you know I here if you want a chat. Take care. Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 26, 2004 10:17:12 GMT
Thanks Tina And Mandy. The day has started bad already.I tried real hard to wake up in a positive mood,but Im being pulled back down again. I found the courage to ring The Incapacity benefit people today,to tell them my feelings on this Medical.Although she was very pleasant on the phone i felt her attitude was a bit flippant.She basically told me that i must attend the medical because if i dont it will cause problems with my benefit.I actually feel so much worse now than what i did yesterday.She also told me that they have written to my GP,and had a report back,but she said that it obviously wasnt enough,and that is why they are asking for me to go for this medical.I dont think it is to prove that i am unwell,but to find out why it is stopping me from Working.I feel terrible,i dont like to have to justify myself,surely if i was able/felt able to work,i would be there. I am not a lazy lay about person.i am a hardworking,commited person and when the time is right i will make that decision to go back to work.I dont need someone to make that decision for me.Im probably being negative now,but i am almost convinced that they are going to stop my benefit,When i am in a situation that i feel unhappy with,all my words will come out wrong,i will probably drop myself in it at this medical,say something stupid. The lady i spoke to said that i can take someone with me,But i feel to proud to ask My cpn to come with me.I think that she thinks i am much better now,and i am better now than what i was a few months ago. I feel terrible,anxiety is sky high. I am supposed to be meeting a few friends this afternoon,and also going for a meal tonight with the others from the group.I dont want to go.I feel low and have absolutely no confidence whatsoever.I feel as if i want to hide under my duvet for the day,and not see anyone. I look a total mess today,having a bad hair day,feel really fat,have no patience with my son,and i wish i was somewhere else.I cant stop thinking about my mums budgie,and i blame myself for him dying.How can i possibly face people today when i feel so miserable.I even feel like i want to cry,but i dont have enough energy for the tears to flow.
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Post by claire on Feb 26, 2004 11:54:30 GMT
Allison,
you know i would come with you if i could. i understand you feel too proud to ask anyone, but look at it from another way. If you found out your friend was to have the same medical, was as nervous as you, desperately wanted to have company but was to proud to ask, would you be glad to go with her? i bet you would be more than willing to help out - surely your own friends would feel the same way for you and would jump at the chance of lending some support?
my golden rule, after being too proud to ask for help on so many occasions, is "would i do it for them?" - yes. i wouldn't like to think any of my friends are suffering but don't know how to ask, i would be there in a second if i could, so take a deep breath and call a friend.....
and i'm sure they won't stop your benefit - you know that this is what PND does - convince us of the worst! and i think your husband is hilarious - it made me laugh out loud picturing him grabbing the babies' hand and the dog's paws! They aren't their to assume you are lazy and are trying to catch you out; this is a standard medical which anyone claiming benefit would have to attend. You are still that committed, professional woman- it is just being temporarily masked by this awful illness. Once i'd started my anti-d's the old "me" re-surfaced - i thought she had gone forever.
please letme know how you get on,
Claire
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Post by Tina on Feb 26, 2004 13:06:32 GMT
Hi Alsion, Sorry you are not having a good day. Well done for ring the benefit. They obviously don't understand and don't want to either! I guess to them it's something routine but that's no excuse. Don't be to proud to ask Jennie. She knows just how well you are. I once though I was fooling her by telling her every thing was fine and she saw right through me. She is only to willing to help. You have come so far, but it's not your time to return to work. That time will come but not just yet. No one is trying to catch you out at these medicals. Just tell them honestly how you feel and what you are doing to get well. Also tell them how they are setting you back. I don't know if anyone else there can give you more advise on the medical. Tell them that you want to get back to work but can't face just yet because of PND. I feel guilty that I have encouraged to contact your doctor. I have been lucky my doctor stopped me having to go for any medicals (so far). I don't know what to say to you but you know you have my support. Try and make it tonight you deserve this treat. Once you are their we will all be there to support you. We are all behind you 100%. Take care and you look great Tina
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Post by AC on Feb 27, 2004 8:23:38 GMT
Hi All, My day did improve yesterday.I felt much better after taking the dog for a long walk,It clears my head ! I did meet up with the others at a friends house,and i did go out for the meal with those from the group. Had a fab evening.I feel really close to my friends from the group,that is one good thing that has come out of this PND.I have met some great people,and i probably would never had met them if i hadnt of had it. Feel positive today,Even though i have been up since 6:30am (Dog barked,woke my son up !!)and We have a little sprinkle of snow which always cheers me up anyway. I was dreading going for the meal lastnight.But once i got there it was great.I didnt feel uncomfortable and we all got on so well.
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Post by Tina on Feb 27, 2004 8:45:18 GMT
Good morning Alison, I had a great night last night. But had a row with hubby when I got home! Problems with the baby sitter, but why that was my fault, I don't know. Also he had not eaten I had failed to leave anything for him! I explained that there was food in the fridge, freezers and the cupboards. He just had to cook it. To top it all we had a bad night with J and I have been up since 5.00am. Thank good CBBC starts at 6.00am although he wanted to be held to watch it Hubby is now back in bed. Lucky him. I am now in best freinds with fimbles and the day looks like being fun. I think it's time for my clean sheet of paper to make this a new day with just about anything possible. Take care speak to you soon. Tina
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Post by eloise on Feb 27, 2004 21:40:10 GMT
Hi Alison,
I just wanted to say that I'm really glad we went to the meal last night. I had a really good laugh and I feel closer again to everyone in the group. I was dreading it as well, and I'm really proud of all of us for turning up, as I know we weren't the only ones who didn't really want to go.
I know its really hard asking for help, but sometimes you need to and Tina is right, Jenny would only be too happy to help you, if she's gone with you before, I'm sure she would be willing to go with you again. If you don't want to ask her, but you would like someone there, I would happily go with you, even if I just waited outside. For me, sometimes just knowing I have support helps so much! But I don't want you to feel that you have to say yes, and I most definately won't be offended if you said no.
I hope you're alright take care
Eloise x
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Post by AC on Feb 28, 2004 18:46:03 GMT
Thanks for the offer Eloise.Mandy also offered,and i would love to have some support when i have to go on friday.But I think i will have to be brave and just go on my own ! I am not feeling too good today. My partner and i fell out this morning,Something ridiculous (Me moving a magazine,he couldnt find it,him behaving like a kid ! The usual) So i went into a major sulk,and when he tried to speak to me i would answer with yes or no.Very childish i know,but he ruined the day, as i was okay untill our argument. We went out this afternoon for a drive and also bought a new 3 piece Suite from the place Mandy was telling me about,im sure it was my partners way of apologising,however i am still mad about it now.We have to wait 4 weeks until it comes and until then we have to make do with our current one which has certainly seen better days !!!!Suppose it is something to look forward to ! I feel empty again right now,cant be bothered to do anything again.Got yet again a thumping headache,which is beginning to get me down. I went to bed lastnight at 8:30pm,But i still feel really tired and lethargic.I know it is up to me to beat these feelings when i get them,but sometimes they are so powerful i cant fight them. I have a new group to attend on Monday,a sort of follow up from our PND group.I feel very very apprehensive about going.Im almost starting to think that maybe i am clutching on to the group too much.My cpn will be running it again,and im sure it will be good like last time,but still i have these negative feelings about going. We have all been meeting on our own for the past 3 weeks and it has been nice.But i still dont want to go,enjoy it once i get there and then dont want the meetings to end. I suppose all of us who are planning to go will have the same apprehensions.My mind is all over the place at the moment,i am worrying about every little thing possible,and then when i forget that worry,i move on to the next.My head is just spinning.
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Post by AC on Feb 29, 2004 10:54:41 GMT
Im not feeling good again today.Went to bed early,however was awake most of the night,so i feel totally exhausted.My son slept right through,but i was awake worrying about things.Its amazing how many different patterns i can make from staring at the curtains !
I feel really inadequate,i feel like i cant cope and have this horrible overpowering anxiety.I keep having these thoughts of dying.It really frightens me,im sure i would never actually do anything,but i have such strong thoughts and its scary.
I have no enthusiasm to do anything,and i hate myself today,Im a changed person and right now i cant ever see the old me coming back.
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Post by Veritee on Feb 29, 2004 17:26:38 GMT
Hi AC Sorry I have not replied earlier Have you had your medical yet? If and when let me know how it goes. This medical is standard for anyone on incapacity after a set period. It is commonly called 'the all work test' ir Personal Capability Assessment. The personal capability assessment (PCA) is the test that the DWP uses to decide whether you are capable of work. If you claim incapacity benefit or income support as incapable of work, you become subject to the PCA either as soon as you become ill, if you haven’t worked for some time, or after 28 weeks if you have The test is based on a points system: if you score enough points you are found incapable of work, if you don't you are capable of work. The test has two parts, a physical test and a mental health test. Basically you have to prove you can do no work whatsoever to continue to get incapacity. I am afraid it is very rigid and inflexible but they are not discriminating against you it is just how it is for everyone and it does not matter what your doctor or anyone else has said about your illness you still have to go and answer a set of questions and 'prove' you are unable to do any kind of work. It would be best to take a CPN rather than a friend with you if you can. When there make sure you do not do what a friend did. She has always tried to cope and minimise her problms despite very real health problems and to each question gave the answer as she is at her best - minimised her difficulties -and she lost her incapacity even though she really is ill. You must tell it how it is when you are at your worse, because you only need one really bad day to be unable to work or to lose your job, so just because you sometimes feel better does not mean you can hold down a job. If you e mail me with your e mail address I will send you a guide to these medicals in PDF format or you can download them yourself from www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/benefits/guides/IB/ib_introduction.htmGood luck Veritee
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Post by Veritee on Feb 29, 2004 18:18:24 GMT
Hi Again I have just read what Deborah said about you not needing to have this medical if you have PND. Please check this out if it is not to late but according to the info I have this is not the case. I would love it if I am wrong as attending such an inflexible test of ability to work is very distressing when you have PNI/D. The all work test or the PCA is a very cruel test designed to get people of the incapacity register and I am not alone in thinking this see: www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/benefits/unspun/incapacity_pilot_areas.htmI thought the position was it is routine for everyone on incapacity to be called for PCAs and they make no exceptions unless you are an inpatient in which case you are not eligible for incapacity anyway over a few weeks. Anyway I know several women with PND I am supporting who have recently had to go to a PCA and I had to have one recently myself( September -obviously not for PNI but because I had an accident in April which left me disabled) Even though I am unable to walk without crutches and then not far and unable to stand or even sit for any period long enough to allow me to do a job - I still had to go to a PCA and prove I was unfit for any job! Anyway it is a very unfair test in that it makes no allowances for individual circumstances and it consists of the doctor going through a standard set of questions for which she/he can not deviate and awarding you points according to your reply. Even a consultants or doctors letter has no influence at this stage it is all on how many points this doctor awards you at this interview( Please read the guides at www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/benefits/guides/IB/ib_introduction.htm)However if you pass the all work test as fit for work ( bear in mind this means all work not the job you normally do - so if you can not do your normal stressful job with people say but they feel you could take on a menial job like cleaning etc, you will pass fit for work) There is hope because you can appeal and when you appeal there is more flexibility about being awarded further incapacity and then they can take into consideration a doctors letter etc. It is very common to have to appeal before you get it extended but it is worth the appeal as you will then get it for a couple of years without having to get any further medicals etc. Anyway this is what I thought the position to be and I have both been through the test twice ( once for PND) and supported others who have had to do the test. As many with PNI may have to have this medical I am considering doing a page on my site for this and other benefit issues What do others think Veritee
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