Willing to try!

[nina]

Don't knwo where to start feel so angry all the time, and it's not me, feel like crying while typing this, is it ever going to end.

Why is it you have good days and then hit the wall again or just as you feel better things take a nose dive.

I hate feeling useless and angry and frighted and not in control of anything, I get so angry at my husband and it's not fair he's tryign to cope just as i am.

Do I have to tell my work about PNI, what will they say, I don't want anyone to know because I embarassed, everyone said I would be sucha natural mum, so why is it so god damn hard.

I hate myself today, the mornign I so bad, there was one breif moment when I felt happy and now it's gone, why can;t I just feel happy, i'm so lucky and should be so very happy, I have wonderfull husband and gorgeous baby boy and nice house, two mad cats. So why is everything so hard.

today the tunnel is very dark.

[cheshire]

Hi again

OOO yes the anger . I have never known wrath like it, I can tell you. But if it reassures at all, I avoid conflict at all costs now - I just can't believe I used to get so angry??!! Especially with my husband and our crockery.

It will end - the road to recovery is very up and down - so cruel really, but reassuring to know you're on it.

Control is a big thing with PNI isn't it - I felt as if I had lost control over everything, probably had. Couldn't even regularise my own breathing, sleeping, thoughts....but all this is much much better now

I told work about PNI and they have responded pretty well..my GP would have had me off for longer, but I'd had enough of these 4 walls so thought I'd give it a go. I initially sent them the info. on the APNI site...

Just remember you didn't ask this to happen to you and it's not your fault..it seems to have no rules - it affects all sorts of women all over the world and historically, it is something that has always happened to some women post natally..

You will get out of this blackness and everything will seem even better than before when you do!

Thinking of you
Hopefulxx

[nina]

Wow, got through my first week at work it was very hard, and felt like the mask was going on alot, and having to put on this happy face.

The hubby seems to have coped reasonably well, but I do worry about him he tends to keep everything bottled up.

I have got up yesterday and today no lie in for me, which is my own fault for not making hubby get out of bed I shld learn to say what I want.

I felt so angry with him this morning, he was in a terrible mood yesterday and got mad at owen when he filled his nappy yeah because he can help that, it's so fustrating he with him all the time and I'm at work, Id on;t think he realises how lucky he is,even if Owen was a bit miserable this week, he is going to see him grow much more that i am and be able to be in the garden take Owen for walks all while I'm at work.
One simple thing last night was to put the dishwasher on I came down this morning and it wasn't done all he had to do was turn the god damn thing on.

I feel like I can;t say how I feel becuase then it will make him worse and more upset so I'm the one keeping everything in, just so as to not say the wrong thing.

Well going to be a new week of this, we will see how it goes.

N

[cheshire]

Hi Nina

When I first replied to this - I hadn't realised it was your diary..do you mind us responding here?

Hxx

[hannah457]

happy mothers day
love hannah xx

[nina]

Bad day today, feeling like pooring boiling water over myself or causing myself pain in some other way you can only focus on one pain at a time so perhaps if i have another pain then the other will go away physical pain is better then mental pain anyday.

God thing were going so well, and over the last few days it all gone wrong don't know what happened. trying hard to kepp things together, but don't fell like i can do it, why is life so hard why is this happening to me am i a bad person did i di something to make someone really mad, and this is my penance.

My little boy is so wonderful he doesn't desevre a mother like me, I love him so much, but just don't feel like I'm doing the right things by him, am i a useless mother I'm sure my husband think I incampable, every since I came back from being at work he watchs me like a hawk and, then when things happen like if baby falls down its my fault why wasn't I paying better attention and what the hell was I doing, thinking.

I've had enough, I'm so tired today

[cheshire]

Hi Nina

Sorry you're having a bad day.

I know what it feels like to look for other sources of pain to block out the mental anguish - it's frustrating and awful. I just hope things pick up for you a bit, as the day goes onxx

Love Hopefulx