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Post by marion on Feb 20, 2006 17:18:13 GMT
I found this site yesterday on what, for me, was one of my lowest days ever - fight suicidal and extermly unwell. Chloe was being looked after by her dad for the day and the managed to keep her quite quiet so I could rest - unfortunately that only gave me more time to think about how bad I was feeling. Felling slightly better today tho - went to see me psych this morning who has doubled my dose of anti d's. MY neighbour took me - she is so kind and I spent the day with her sleeping and crying and talking about how awlful I felt. Chloe was looked after by my best friend. This was the first time that anyone other than me, my hubby or her nanny had looked after her but she seems to have had a good day. Chloe has just woken up so I will try and add more later.
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Post by cheshire on Feb 20, 2006 17:30:26 GMT
Hi Marion
I just wondered if you minded anyone replying to your diary? Or would you prefer we just replied to your other threads/ posts on the Board, not the Diary section? I am so glad you're feeling a little better xx
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Post by marion on Feb 22, 2006 9:25:45 GMT
Quite happy for anyone to reply to either my diary or other threads! Have started on the higher dose of anti d's - started on monday night. Finding it very hard to wake up in the morning as they have a slight sedative effect which make me groggy for the 1st hour or so. Mark's parents are up at the mo (they arrived yesterday) to help me with Chloe which is great. Not feeling too bad - bit of anxious tummy (as usual dont know what over) and just feel really lathergic but it's a definate improvement. Feel really scared about when I'm going to feel really down again - everytime I do get bad I just think it will never go and then when I feel slightly better I'm just worried about when it's going to happen again. I'm also worried about when I'm on my own with Chloe again - am I feeling better because I have people with me this week or is it just co-incidence that I'm feeling slightly better. I know I will just have to keep myself really busy next week when it's just the two of us. It's great having Mark's parents up - it will give me time to relax a bit but I keep thinking I shold be doing stuff to help eventhough everyone kepps telling me to rest. It's hard to rest!!!!!!!
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Post by bam02 on Feb 22, 2006 9:48:03 GMT
You do sound a little better. I hope it helps writing things down it can do.
A-M
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Post by cheshire on Feb 22, 2006 12:12:55 GMT
Hi Marion
I found keeping busy/ distraction helped quite a bit. Whether it was phoning people, housework, loud music etc.
I know I found it hard to rest - I was a very busy woman before I had my second - and slowing down was not my thing!! But I'm sure the R&R, the daytime naps, 'being kind to myself', accepting help all helped massively in the end.
Enjoy the week and just rest, don't feel guilty for a minute.
Hopefulxxxxx
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Post by Veritee on Feb 22, 2006 15:11:36 GMT
Hi Marion
You seem to have a great friend there - one in a million!!
I know this fear about what will happen when you are on your own again with your baby...
My husband is a merchant seaman, who comes home for a minimum of 3 weeks at a time up to 7 weeks and goes away for 5 weeks up to 3 months ( and has been away at sea as long as 6 months and in fact went to the Falklands for 6 months when I was ill with PNI)
Anyway when he is home he is on leave so not working so I have him about 24/7 and there to help, so when I was ill, even though at first he did not help the right ways as he did not know anything about babies and distressed wives -as least he was here so that made all the difference.
But then he would have to leave on morning leaving me on my own for several weeks to several months ......
and I wold live in dread of that day and how I would manage.
However gradually I learned that if I concentrated one day at a time while he was home and take one day at a time and not to dwell on how I would feel when he was gone - as the more I used the time when he was home to relax and get well- the better I would manage when he was away.
Perhaps you could use your time while Marks parents are here to have a rest form worrying too much - and while they are her to support you use this time to put into place support for when they are gone i.e nursery of child minder, Home Start visitor, your friend etc
On here we also always say be kind to yourself and take little baby steps every day!!!
As to your 'nervous tummy' - this could be a side effect of the Anti Ds as this is very common and usually goes after a week or two...
I know its hard to rest - but make the most of the help you are getting - if you can not rest have your hair done, go for a walk on your own, go shopping and buy something - whatever will help you to relax
VeriteeXXX
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Post by marion on Feb 23, 2006 11:43:08 GMT
Feeling ok today - Chloe woke up hungry at 5 am so a bit tired but other than that ok I think. My progesterone cream arrived yesterday so have started on that today - know it will be a while before I feel any results (if any) but at least I feel like it's a step in the right direction. Think I will take it easy again today which will be nice! Not got anxious tunny at the mo which is good and feel much happier in myself. Bit worried though as it's slightly that kind of 'manic' happier that you get with anti d's sometimes but that's better than miserable! Or it could just be that feeling happier just feels like this - I think it's been such a long time that I've felt happier I may have forgotten really what it feels like.
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Post by monica on Feb 23, 2006 14:32:21 GMT
Good for you! Glad things are a bit better. It's an amazing feeling when things look on the up.
Monica
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Post by marion on Feb 25, 2006 13:38:16 GMT
Not too bad today. MArk's parents have just gone which was a shame - have had a lovely week withthem and it's been a great help with Chloe. They're hoping to come up againsoon thoguh which is good. Just found out that my friend who was going to have Chloe when I go back to work has chnged her mind. She looked after her for a bit on Monday and must have found her hard work as she's says she's thinks looking after Chloe and her own little boy would be too much. At least it's not just me who finds her hard work. This has thrown me a little - got a bit anxious earlier but am ok - I know I just have to thinkrationally about it that it's not a problem and we'll work something else out. It's not mademe feel as bad as it would have done a week ago so I know I'm doing good.
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Post by cheshire on Feb 25, 2006 16:28:07 GMT
Hi Marion, I'm glad you had a good week and that you're feeling a bit better. I know how stressful sorting childcare can be - especially when you're also preparing yourself to go back to work - but like you say, there's probably a few options and hopefully you'll sort something out soon. Let us know how you get on? Love Hopefulxx
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Post by marion on Feb 26, 2006 11:54:42 GMT
Not too bad again today. Chloe has had a diarrhoea bug since firday - gettin gbetter though but has been worrying. Mark is still planning on working nights on tues wed and thurs night which I'm still a bit worried about. I'm worried about looking after Chloe in the night as I'm ofter a bit woozey from my anti d's then but I know I'll be ok really. Mark normally sorts her out oin the night she shhhh's her back to sleep - he knows how many blankets she needs to adjust her temp so she's just right and things like that and I'm worried about all that sort of thing too. I'll just have to keep telling myself I'll be fine - afterall I have looked after her on my own in the night before so I lknow I can do it. Dont really feel like doing much today. Mark wants to make a big sunday lunch but I'm never hungry anymore - I just eat because it's time to eat and try to make myself the simplest meals as it's less work. Really dont fancy sunday lunch but will try to make the effort.
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Post by bam02 on Feb 26, 2006 12:36:22 GMT
I know what you mean about meals - sometimes find it difficult to get excited about them especially when its just for me at lunchtime. I have Sarah my three year old with me then - but its usually the same things she eats - tomato soup, jam sandwiches, grated cheese or fish fingers and mash!!! Not a bit repetoir my daughter. Probably my lack of imagination too.
Sorry i am going on here. I think often the planning of somethings i.e you lookinga fter your Chloe at night is worse than the reality! I find it often the case that the worrying is worse than the actual event..
Any way good luck
A-M
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Post by cheshire on Feb 26, 2006 12:54:23 GMT
Hi Marion I agree with BAM, meals can become such a chore, I often feel guilty around my lack of inspiration for meals for the kids. They have firm favourites - pretty much the same as BAM's Sarah. I also agree that sometimes the worry is worse than the event. I have spent hours worrying about things (e.g. my daughter's party) and then all goes like clockwork..I just couldn't help it, get wound up about 'events' in general still My husband has to work away overnight too - and did when I had PNI (but as little as poss) - and I can truthfully tell you that the build up was the worst...the night itself tended to be ok , it honestly was. I probably didn't sleep as well, but I did go up with the kids (9/ 9.30 ish) and enjoyed having the whole bed to myself with a trashy mag and a baileys If you feel worried or upset, just keep posting. When I had insomnia/ anxiety when hubby away, it really helped Love Hopefulxxx
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Post by yoyo on Feb 26, 2006 15:40:09 GMT
I know what you mean with the whole
"I just eat because it's time to eat and try to make myself the simplest meals as it's less work"
thing! I found this really hard at first as food has always been one of my passions - I love entertaining and cooking meals and eating out - PNI stripped this from me, but it does slowly return and so does your appetitie .The really annoying thing is that I didn't lose any weight whilst going thorugh the lack of appetitie bit!!!! Damn!
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Post by marion on Feb 26, 2006 17:33:59 GMT
I've not lost any weight either (although I could do to)! We didnt have a sunday lunch as we took Chloe to the dr's to get her checked out coz of this tummy bug (she's fine by the way) so we've just had hot dogs for our sunday lunch instead!!!! Very traditional!
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