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Post by marion on Mar 9, 2006 13:06:13 GMT
Chloe is 6 mths old today - cant believe it. I only have another 5 mths till I'm back at work - I really need to make the most of my time with her. She's coming on so much everyday and is such lovely company. Feeling ok today - actually felt hungry today for the first time in weeks!!!! People keep telling me that I've lost weight but I have a feeling I'm going to put it back on very rapidaly. Poor Mark - he's so tired. His car was a right off after that idiot drove into it on sat morning and now he's very stressed about having to buy a new one. He's off on hols after tomorrow and was looking forward to a relaxing break, not one car hunting. I'm still insisting that we go to his parents in exeter though as he needs a change of scenery. He's been having to work till 6.30/7 every night and he's on the verge of a breakdown himself. Am doing my best to make life easier for him but it's hard. IT just seems to be one thing after another. Every weekend something seems to happen to set us both back - really hope this week is a nice one!
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Post by cheshire on Mar 9, 2006 13:28:36 GMT
I hope you have a nice week/ weekend - XX
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Post by marion on Mar 10, 2006 13:59:07 GMT
Alright again today - have slept a little better the last 2 nights whcih helps. NExt week it will be 1 mth since my last really bad patch and so far, touch wood, I'm feeling a lot better than I did this time last month. I started feeling bad last mth after about the 2nd Feb after I went into work and just started feeling a little worse each day until towards when my PMT was due (around the 20th I think). I hope I dont get as bad again. Was at mother and baby group this morning and was looking round at the other babies and looking at Chloe and couldnt help thinking how proud I am of her. She's so lovely and it made me feel all warm inside!!!!
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Post by marion on Mar 12, 2006 8:11:29 GMT
Been ok last couple of days although I was very snappy yesterday. I wanted to go out somewhere during theday but Mark didnt and I was a stroppy cow all day because we stayed in. Going for a walkto feed the ducks later and going to dye my hair as my roots are looking dreadful - oh isnt life exciting!!!!
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Post by monica on Mar 12, 2006 16:03:37 GMT
Hello
I can relate to that level of excitement!!! the kids and I ventured out to the play ground which was nice but cold. I don't know about you, but I get stir crazy if I'm stuck at home for too long. My partner is happy not leaving the house, so I know what you mean about been in door.
Glad you've been feeling ok for the past few days.
Monica
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Post by marion on Mar 13, 2006 17:38:17 GMT
CPN came to see me today - very emotional. Probed into things such as when my dad died in sept 04 - got married oct 04 and found out I was preg Dec 04!!!!!!!) Lots of big things has happened in a short time and I think I;ve found it all too hard. He also went through a risk assessment form which brought up things from my past I found hard to think about. Difficult meeting!
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Post by cheshire on Mar 13, 2006 18:11:28 GMT
Hi Marion I just wanted to respond as I had quite a few traumatic happenings around the time of the birth - which in itself was very fast and painful..but also at this time was a family bereavement and my husband was also seriously ill (but we didn't know at first why or whether it would happen again and it could be fatal ..) So I think it all got too much for me too.. Although having said that, I did have some hormone related problems during the pregnancy too - that meant I had to go in for various tests etc. So I guess, with that too - PNI hit me between the eyes at the 6 weeks point... And I know how hard it is to look back, but just remember to be kind to yourself, you've done really well today XXXX
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Post by marion on Mar 13, 2006 20:29:52 GMT
Been doing some thinking today and although I didnt have a bad labour (was much less worse than I expected ) I was induced which wasnt nice as Chloe was 2 weeks late! I had a bad pregnancy with bleeding from weeks 13 to about 25 and I felt really unwell for the whole pregnancy due to anemia. This made me hate being pregnant in a way and I couldnt wait for it to all be over. Since she was born I felt completely unsupported for the first 13 weeks until I was admitted to hospital. I was breastfeeding and so I felt completely responsible as obviously my husband couldnt do any feeding. My husband now says he felt uninvoled with Chloe for the first 13 weeks as he didnt really do anything, it was even a fight for me to get him to do a nappy (now he does a lot more). My mum is also completely uninvolved. She only lives about 10 mins away and I barely see her once a month and when she does come round she doesnt even want to hold Chloe. She has never offered to babysit - just once would be nice!!!!!! As I said my dad died in sept 04 of a very sudden heart attack - he was only 68 and had just come round from a successful routine operation (he seemed fine one minute in the hosp and then that was it!) and I know how much he would have loved Chloe and would have wanted to be round here everyday to see her. Things are getting easier but I still miss him very much. I got married 1 mth after he died and although we got married abroad wih no family there I missed him very much at the family reception. I feel like he's missed out on so much and I wish he was still here. Although it should have been a lovely 18mth (wedding/pregnancy etc) things just seem to be going wrong all the time. I love my husband and daughter but I just think things should be better than they are - cant really explain it. There is also things from my passed which I wont go into that I think contributed to my depression episode where I took an overdose when I was 18 which I also think are still lurking - I think I;ve put them to rest but I think things are always there and can resurface when you're feeling vulnerable. Feel like I've had a miserable day but I've not had any spaciness so that's good. I did have what I can only explain as hot flus this afternoon - I'm only 28 and I dont think it's the change! Went really hot and a bit light headed. Weird!
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Post by cheshire on Mar 14, 2006 16:53:03 GMT
Hi Marion,
I'm sorry if I've missed this reading back through your diary - but are you having any counselling or therapy - or is this what the CPN was looking into for you?
I know what you mean about things 'resurfacing when you're vulnerable'..but the reason I ask the above, is that 'talking therapy' has helped me quite a bit with this.
How's little Chloe - is she sitting up yet?
Love HopefulXX
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Post by marion on Mar 14, 2006 19:15:03 GMT
Chloe's doing really well - she's just about sitting up but not for long! She's starting to show signs of crawling too and is rolling over which is good. She had her first visit to the dentist today and was very interested in what was happening to mum and dad. I think the CPN mentioned something about counselling and Isuppose we will get to that over the coming weeks. Not feeling too good today. Have rowed a lot with Mark - he just wants to relax and says he hasnt had a chance to do that and that I have done nothing but nag and drag him out places. I dont think I have. I have been snappy but that's because I;ve not been feeling too good. Didnt sleep well last night which hasnt helped. Keep mulling over stuff in my mind whic keeps upsetting me - feeling low and teary today and ultra sensitive. Feel sad.
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Post by cheshire on Mar 14, 2006 21:02:44 GMT
I'm sending you a lovely ((HUG)))
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Post by marion on Mar 15, 2006 11:43:34 GMT
Thanks for the hug - need it at the mo. Dont feel well again today. Have tingly head, spacey and feel down. It was exactly this time last month that I was bad (although on the bright side dont feel as bad at this stange as Idid last month). Feel light headed too and want to cry but am keeping myself really busy today. We should be going to Exeter to stay with Mark's parents tomorrow so Mark is looking after Chloe loads today whilst I get things ready. I have to keep telling myself that this wont last and I am just going to have to put up with it every month for a while. Mark is already planning to book time off next month around this time so he'll be with me when I'm going through this again. God I feel awlful and so low again. Al I want to do is cry and cry and not be here again. I now I musnt give into the way I feel but I'm dreading the next few days. I was so exciting before about going to Exeter and now all I feel is dread again about everything. I;ve completely lost my appetite again and to put it frankly I feel loke slitting my wrists. I wont but that's how I feel. God this illnes is so horrid.
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Post by marion on Mar 15, 2006 20:34:38 GMT
Feeling a little better this afternoon. Less spacey and down. Hope I sleep ok - going to have a sleeping tablet again to make sure. Also, still sleeping in the spare room to maximise my chances. If I sleep in with Mark the cats wake me up - one of my cats (Mylowe) snuffles a lot and I keep waking up thinking it's Chloe! Me and MArk have got on a bit better today - less snapping but I think that's becuase he's trying to be extra nice bcause he knows I've been feeling bad. I must be horrid to live with. I worry a lot that the way I am will drive him away. I couldnt stand to live with me - I annoy myself so I know I must really get to him.
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Post by marion on Mar 17, 2006 14:08:10 GMT
Not too bad again today. Have now come down to Exeter to stay with Mark's parents which is nice and we're going out for dinner tonight, just the 2 of us - the first time since last Feb! Felt awlful for most the day again yesterday. Kept having thoughts where I just wanted to wander off and dissapear or open the car door and jump out. Stupid I know and would never happen but scary at the time. Feel in a happier mood today though - got really bad spots which are definately due to hormones.
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Post by cheshire on Mar 17, 2006 16:09:13 GMT
Hope you have a lovely meal out tonight Marion xx
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