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Post by marion on Mar 27, 2006 14:09:59 GMT
CPN has just left. He came early which really threw the routine I had planned out and has left me with quite bad anxiety. Think he'd lost the risk assessment form as he asked me quite a few questions from a form that he'd asked me before, unless it was another form that had some of the same questions on....... He's bringing some scale charts or something next week. Told him that I seemed to be getting bad at the same time each month when my pmt was due and he said that was intersting and he owld look into it. He suggested evening primrose so might get some of those. I was honest about stuff - told him things which I cant go into on here although he didnt ask asmany things as he did last time. There was some stuff I wouldnt go into. Feel quite wiped out now really and a bit sick. Told him I was scared of what I would do as I felt so ill and down in my bad patches that although I keep telling myself that they wont last at the time it seems like they will and how I often feel that I cant face carrying on when I feel like that. Told him that the only reason I hadnt attempted suicide was because of Chloe and that I have to be here for her now. Was honest about how I'd felt last time Iwas bad and how desperate I'd been feeling. Feel a bit fuzzy headed but know that's the anxiety kicking in together with the tiredness. Maybe I sholdnt see the CPN each week if it going to drag things up that make me feel worse. Was doing ok till I felt anxious about today and now I feel worse again.
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Post by marion on Mar 28, 2006 14:37:30 GMT
Having a good day today! Horay!!!! Not done much really, just had a good go on the housework which always makes me feel better. Chloe's been very helpful, especailly with changing the bed - she loves it when I shake the sheets over her. Slept quite well last night. Chloe woke a couple of times for sips of water but Mark wen to her. Feel a little guilty as he's tired but I feel so much better when I've slept well. Tea went well yesterday whivch I found a relieft so am hoping it will again today. The CPN said yesterday that he thinks part of my problem is that I set my expectations too high- not really sure what he means by this. I have standards, like having a good go on the house once a week, vacuuming everyday etc but odesnt everyone? And all I want emotionally is not too feel miserable all the time. I suppose he means in the way that if things dont go how I've planned them or expect them to go then I get anxious etc. Need to relax a bit about things like that but it's hard. Am getting better though. He also asked about my concentration/memory etc (can remember if I;ve put this already!!!!!!!) which I said was still quite bad. Find it hard to watch tv/read and I do some online gaming whichI find hard sometimes. My memory is still bad - if I go to the shops for 1 or 2 items I have to write them down or I will come away without them. I used to have to write down what time Chloe had last slpet/had a feed when she was younger and feeding more as otherwise I would forget and not be sure if she was crying for food/sleep etc. Now she's just on the 2 naps a day I can remember now! Decided that if my next lot of PMT (due round about the 12th April) is a little better and I continue to fell slightly better then I'm going to do something about my weight. I still never really feel hungry and eat for the sake of it, resulting in almost binge eating in the evening after CHloe has gone to bed. That's the only time I feel relaxed in the day I spoil myself with lots of crisps as I finally feel hungry!!!! Must stop this as I know I'm putting on more weight but am too scared to get on the scales. Hopefully I will continue to feel stronger over the next month or so and wont feel this need to 'spoil' myself and reward myself with food as otherwise I'm going to end up enormous! Feel I could deal with it soon whereas over the last few months I've just been closing my eyes to what I look like. I want to be a size 12/14 again - none of my work clothes fit me and I'm sue back in September and at this rate I'm going to have to buy all new things. Wouldnt mid doing this if I was 12/14 again but at my present size I find shopping incredibly upsetting. Anyway...... afternoon ramble over! Will continue on my positive thinking for the rest of the day!
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Mar 28, 2006 21:52:28 GMT
hi marion i dont think wever spoken before, but ive been reading your story right from the beginning ('very low') and i just wanted to say that you're doingreally well. compared to your very first post i think you have come very far and i wanted to congratulate you on your progress , which i know is difficult to see for yourself but we can all see how well youre doing! i had quite a similar pni to yours: mainly anxiety, panic, insomnia etc so i think i can appreciate the nightmare/living hell that is pni. i think i should have been hospitalised but i dont think my area has the resources/knowledge so was left to cope alone ...anyway enough about me...once again, youre doing really well xxx
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Post by marion on Mar 29, 2006 8:52:44 GMT
Thanks Gail - I feel a lot better on the whole - it's just around my PMT time I get really low. Not got as much anxiety on the whole now which is good. One thing I was thinking was that I didnt get the really low part whilst I was breastfeeding(up until I was admitted to hospitcal) but I suppose I was getting any PMT then as I had no periods. Then I just had the insomnia/anxiety part. Now my periods are fairly regualr I seem to get awlful PMT and a lot less of the other symptoms. I need that new pill they're talking about which stops periods so you dont get PMT -unfortunately it's not supposed to be coming out for 5 years!!!!!!!!!
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Post by cheshire on Mar 29, 2006 9:55:55 GMT
Hi Marion I heard about the 'new' pill yesterday too - sounds like a dream- shame about the 5 year wait though Hope your day is going ok HopefulXX
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Post by marion on Mar 29, 2006 17:06:04 GMT
Not had the best day. Had to go to the dentist for 2 massice fillings so my mouth is all frozen - think it's really going to hurt when it unfreezes as she said it was very clse to the nerve. Got to go back on15th May for another - ouch! Then, as we were coming home drove past my mums house to see what I think is her secret boyfriend getting out of her car. IT's a very long story but she became close friends with someone when my dad was alive and naturally my dad became very upset so she pretended she wasnt seeing. Loads happened and my dad was sure she was still seeing him(he found email printouts/valentines card etc) so he would check her mileometer to see how far she drove - she would say she was just popping to the local shops and be gone for hours and she owuld have driven miles. My dad also came home early and saw him dissapearing down the side of the house on several occassions. My dad had OCD and she would always say it was his symptoms makin him paraniod and he was making it all up eventhough he had been well for years. Anyway, since my dad died my mum always seemed to get over it very quickly - she said she went to a support group but I know she didnt. I have phoned the house a man has answered and as I;ve said before she's a;ways too busy to see me or Chloe. She was due to have a hernia op and I said she could stay with me whilst she recovered but she always says she has a friend who will help out and it's the same at christmnas - I dont want her to be on her own but she has alwyas made arrangements. It's not that I dont want her to be happy, it's just all the lying and deceit, particualarly when my dad was alive that hurts me. My dad was devasted when he realised what was going on. My mum always told him that she didnt love him anymore and didnt want to be with him but my dad didnt want them to split up so they stayed together. She siad it was his mental illness that had driven her away and she didnt want to be with him. So the last few years of his life he was very unhappy with the relationship and made paranoid she was having an affair - in my eyes she made him think he was losing it again by constantly denying things which were obviosulay true. She always makes up excuses about having too much work on to see me or help with Chloe - as I've said before, she lives about 5 mins away and I've seen her twice in at least 2 months - once when she visited out of courtousy when Mark's parents were up staying with us and last friday, when my Uncle brough his little boy over - again I think she only came over because she felt she had too. Tell a lie - I did see her for about 5 mins when she dropped my keys off after looking after my cats whilst we were down at Mark's parents inExeter. Oh well. There's nothing I can do - it's just hurtful. I wont ever tell her how I feel as I feel it's none of my business what she's up to and we're not the kind of fmaily that talks like that. I just feel she's missing out on CHloe - she says she's better at telling stories to children when they're about 3 but I feel that's too little too late!
Chloe ate all her tea! Was hard to sing to her and smile with my mouth frozen but we managed!!!!!! Bath time in a bit then think I'm gonna have a glass of wine followed by a nice brandy. Know I shouldnt, but I dont care!
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Post by yoyo on Mar 29, 2006 17:25:59 GMT
That's all v sad Marion, sad for you and for your dad and also for Chloe missing out on a grandparent when there's one nearby. Sad for your mum too in a way - although it's one she's chosen .I have a similar situation in some way s with my MIL - she says too that she'll bother with Jake more when he's older and more interesting - but it'll be hard then as he won't have the bond with her that he has with my parents. She's the one who misses out in the end - and Jake too I guess.
Hope you go on ok with your teeth!! OUch!!! Enjoy your wine & brandy!! I might join you!!
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Mar 30, 2006 7:54:44 GMT
hi Marion. baby massage is fantastic. it suppose to help the baby to bond better and also helps with tummy upset, teething ,colds. ask your heath visitor for a local run group or a booklet on baby massage. if your get no look with that then pm or e.mail your address then i will send you a copy of my massage booklet for you to try on your little one love Hannah xx
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Post by marion on Mar 30, 2006 8:12:51 GMT
Thanks Hannah I'm ok today altough Chloe was up a lot in the night. We're trying letting her sleep out of her grow bag at the mo under just blankets as she seemed uncomforatble in that but she keeps moving up the cot and waking up cold. Couldnt get to sleep last night - was just wide awake. Ended up having a lorazapam as the more I cant sleep the more anxious I get and then I start feeling panicky. Not much to do today. Might have a clean of the conservatory later and amble out to post a couple of letters. Did think of phoning my mum and inviting her over but what's the point. Spoke to her yesterday and told her that we drove past and were going to pop in to say hi and show her the new car (picked it up yersterday) but said Ididnt as I cold see she had compnay and Ididnt like to disturb. She didnt really say much but just said 'yes, I am company'.
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Post by marion on Mar 30, 2006 16:09:42 GMT
Quite a good day - got aload of pots filled with compost ready to plant all the seeds for our vege garden (half the garedn is a veg plot). Chloe helped - introduced her to mud! My mum called to tell me about a new harddrive she'd bought. How intersting. Said if she had a bit of free time she was welcome to pop over for a change of scenery but she's too busy. Chloe ate all her tea - gave her extra today as she's getting a little bigger and she ate it all up! She woke up ravenous in the night again so need to increase her quantities. Think we're in for a bad night too as she's really sniffly and got a drippy nose and keeps sneasing. Having given her a kalpol and will give her another before bed. She seemed a little happier after I gave her that.
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Post by cheshire on Mar 30, 2006 19:17:39 GMT
I love it when they clean their plates - one less thing to worry about isn't it? My son is finally eating more and not just throwing it on the floor. Thank goodnessx
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Post by marion on Mar 30, 2006 21:00:04 GMT
Feel quite anxious tonight. Worried about sleeping as I coldnt get to sleep for a while last night. Ialways do this - worry that I cant sleep so ge anxious so I dont sleep! Worry that I will be tired and feel unwell tomorrow as I havent slept well. Might have a sleeping tablet. Have had 2 glasses of wine whihc normally helps but not really feeling relaxed. Have put some lavender oil in the spare room where I'm sleeping to see if this helps. Good luck to me! As I;ve said before, think we're in for a bad night with Chloe too.
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Post by marion on Mar 31, 2006 9:12:36 GMT
Tired today - Chloe was waking up about every 2hrs in the night - Mark went to her mostly. She keeps rolling over in her sleep and then wriggling up the cot so she has no covers on and then waking up cold! Any advice on what to do would be gratefully received! She was sleeping in a sleeping bag but dont think she was comfy in that so now just got blankets. I suppose we just have to wait until she gets used to sleeping on her front a bit. Had tears already this morning - woke up inquite a good mood considering the night (got off to sleep ok) and then Mark was really snappy because he's so tired. Cant take it when people are cross at me. Know he doesnt mean it but I'm ultra sensitive at present. Not gone to baby group today as Chloe's not well, so going to have a snug day staying inside. Bit bored though as done all my jobs already!
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Mar 31, 2006 10:47:59 GMT
enjoy the relaxing time with chloe. i know its hard i get irritable when i got nothing to do. sit relax and try to enjoy it thinking of you love hannah xx
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Post by monica on Mar 31, 2006 18:49:10 GMT
Hi
i hoep you get a good night tonight! I've notice since having PNI, tiredness gets to me really quickly both physically and mentally. If you're bored you're always welcome round my place - loads of cleaning to do!!! Well impressed with your veggie garden. I've always wanted one. It mustbe so satisfying eating your own produce, not to mention healthier.
Take care
monica
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