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Post by noodles on Apr 2, 2006 20:53:47 GMT
couldn't sleep so i thought that i would just write a few lines, feeling a bit better this evening, i left lyla to cry her self to sleep this evening am trying the controled crying was this is the second evening and i was surprised that it only took 10 mins and she was asleep and not heard a peep since, sure it won't last long though!!! think that i am feeling down because yesterday i aranged for my friends to come round and they called off at the last min because my friends dad had to go in to hospital, i know that it was a valid reason and i am not mad with her it's just that i spent the day cooking and tiding the house and felt really let down as it's the first time i have asked any one round since lyla was born. keep telling my self to get over it it's silly, just felt a bit pissed off, on the bright side my husband was well happy that he had so much nice food to eat!!! he tried to make me feel better but can't help feeling inside that they didn't come round coz of me for some reason although she is a old friend and i know that she would not do that, just paranoid i guess!!! lyla still isn't right and really irritable which is really taking it out of me as i don't feel very happy at the mo, and now the weekend is over and it's back to struggling by myself!!! also pissed off that i still have no bath basin in my bathroom, hopefully it will be finished this week as it is really doing my head in, feel really petty saying all this as i am really feeling for hannah who seems to be having a really shit time, kind of puts my problems in to prospectus!!! feeling for you hannah if you read this!!! xxxx
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Post by Veritee on Apr 2, 2006 21:26:26 GMT
Dear Noodles
Don't feel you should not say how you feel - you are entitled to support too.
Oh and I am so sorry your friend did not turn up -
whatever the reason , however understandable, it can be such a let down when you are expecting people and you prepare food and clean the house ......
and for some reason they do not come and this was especially important if this was the first time you have entertained since the birth.
I am so sorry - but your husband seems like a sweetie today, trying to make you feel better and eating all the lovely food .
I am sure your friend will come round another time though - couldn't you freeze some of the food and ask her for next week?
Having no bath and basin in the bath room seems like a major disaster to me - I have been there as it took us about 20 years to finish renovating our house!!! ( as half the time we run out of money so it all had to stop leaving me with half finished rooms and for a time - no kitchen- so I understand how frustrating this can be especially when you have young children
well I hope that you sleep better tonight and your child sleep though too and it is all much better tomorrow
Take Care
veriteeXX
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Post by noodles on Apr 2, 2006 21:45:37 GMT
thanks veritee, things could be looking up, lyla just started to cry so i left her and she went back to sleep in 4 mins for the first time ever!!! wow!! thats cheered me up a bit!!! night all, hope tomorrow brings sun shine and happyness!!! xxxx
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 3, 2006 14:14:12 GMT
hi noodles your sounding alot more cheerful. how you doing? love hannah xx
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Post by noodles on Apr 3, 2006 20:38:21 GMT
today has been ok, lyla was awake every couple of hours last night but she has been alot brighter today so she has been easier to handle!!! just really worried about money at the moment, so have rung up for a job waitressing in the evening, after quitting my job at the rehab i want some thing with no responsibility that i won't think about at home!!! feel dubious about working again and have started worrying about it all ready, i hope that i have the energy because the past few day have been feeling really tired again, i think the stress from not having a bath room is really getting to me! silly things that add up with this illness, things that in the past would not have bothered me really seem to get on top of me now, trying to look at work as a positive thing, at least it's a bit of time i get for myself!! saw my friend today who didn't come round she was sooooo apologetic so i feel abit better about that i know how she feels though my dad is always in and out of hospital. she is coming round wednesday to catch up properly, which will be nice!! another friend just popped round for a quick vodka, finding it hard that i am not suppose to drink on my tabs but oh well, im sure one won't hurt!!! sorry this is probs really boring to any one that is ready this just felt like a bit of a rant! on a brighter note at least the sun has started to shine!! makes me think of long hot summers sat on brighton sea front having a beer or 10, seems like a long time ago now... just want to be back to my bubbly self and feel like she is long lost at the moment...... some times i think that if i could turn back the clock i would wait a few more year before having children although i am 26 and lyla was totally planned i never thought that it would be this hard and that i would feel this way!!! some times i feel angry that every one is having such a wonderful experience and i feel like i am drowning in a hell of my own making!!! i thought that i was going to make such a wonderful parent and because me and my husband are so layed back that my baby would be too!!!! how wrong i was!!! don't get me wrong i love lyla and my life is really good, my husband is lovely and slowly but surely my house is becoming just the way i like it, it's just........... well i have pni, and i don't want to!!! i want to be me!!!! i have travelled to loads of countries and see poverty and things to be depressed about, i guess i am mad with myself for not being able to snap out of it!!! and compared to many on this site my life is rosey, i just don't feel it!!! i don't really feel any thing tonight!!! im sure tomorrow will be completely different!!! well i hope!!! well rant over!!! here's hoping i get more sleep tonight might put me in a better mood!! xxxxxxx
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Post by yoyo on Apr 3, 2006 21:44:57 GMT
HI noodles - sorry to crash your diary...hope you don't mind.
Just wanted to pick up on the point you made about
"some times i think that if i could turn back the clock i would wait a few more year before having children although i am 26 and lyla was totally planned i never thought that it would be this hard and that i would feel this way!!! some times i feel angry that every one is having such a wonderful experience and i feel like i am drowning in a hell of my own making!!! i thought that i was going to make such a wonderful parent and because me and my husband are so layed back that my baby would be too!!!! how wrong i was!!! don't get me wrong i love lyla and my life is really good, my husband is lovely and slowly but surely my house is becoming just the way i like it, it's just........... well i have pni, and i don't want to!!! i want to be me!!!! i have travelled to loads of countries and see poverty and things to be depressed about, i guess i am mad with myself for not being able to snap out of it!!! and compared to many on this site my life is rosey, i just don't feel it!!! "
This is so well put. I would often (and still from time to time) think along very similar lines - almost regretting ever having had a baby which is a horrid thing to admit but that's how PNI can affect isn't it> The not feeling anything is so hard too isn't it - just being completely detached from everything - really hard - but the good news is that it will all come back and you'll treasure it like never before - hang in there you're doing just brilliant x x
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Post by Veritee on Apr 3, 2006 22:01:56 GMT
Hi Noodles
Yes it is lovely the sun has started to shine isn't it - I live in Cornwall where it really seems to matter if the sun shines as Cornwall without sun is a gray place - but it comes alive in the sun even if it is still cold.
I guess where you live Devon, must be like this too - are you far from me - you do not have to tell me where in Devon but I just wondered if you were near Exeter as I sometimes visit a friend there?
This thing about the right time to have a baby - I am not sure their really is a right time if you get PNI.
I had mine when I was nearly 40 as I waited until I had done most other things I ever wanted to do - but then I found myself regretting I waited - and at times regretting I had a baby at all - why on earth did I do it I asked when I was quite happy before and I coudl have lived without ever being a parent ?
I would imagine how nice it would have been to have had my baby in my 20s and that she be grown up before I was too old to have any life left to live??? or thats how I saw it when I had PNI
I am now 53 with a 17 year old - I do suppose from a practical level I wish I had had her younger as I will probably not be able to help her as much financially as we would like Barry will retire in not so many years and I am already disabled so retired really ...
But the negativity about the age I had her was the PNI speaking and I do not feel like this now.
Their are good and bad of having children at any age - when you are young your children can be able to fend for themselves a bit and not need babysitters etc before you are 40 and you can then further your career or go to college or do something you want to do while you still feel fit enough - the other way round they keep you younger and you have had a chance to do some of the things you want first
Don't be down on yourself for not being able to snap out of it - none of us can do this as we are ill .
I too thought I was so strong and could cope with most things - I too had a stressful job - you said you worked in Rehab were you a nurse or health worker ? - I worked with very hard to cope with young people some with mental health problems all with 'challenging ' behavior I could cope with them but PNI licked me for a while
but I beat it in the end and so will you
VeriteeXXX
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Post by noodles on Apr 4, 2006 9:07:50 GMT
well some one answered me prayers!! lyla slept through the night for the first time ever, thank god, i hope this is the begining of lots more sleep!!!! as it truely is my favourite thing!!!! thank you for all the kind messages was feeling really down last night, but i suppose honest as well!!! veritee i live about 10 miles inland from bude on the north coast of cornwall!! i wouldn't worry about being an older parent my mum was 45 when she had me and my dad was 57, although i have many mixed feeling about having older parents, for example my dad is very ill and grumpy and i feel that some times i have to mother and worry about them rather than the other way round, on the other had mum is lovely and although she can't be there for me physically, she is very gentle and understanding, which i suppose is the wisdom that comes with age, and i love her to bits, but i am aware that she won't be around as long as most people's parents. i also quite like the contrast between lyla's grandparents, carls mum had him when he was 20 and she is off her trolley, in a nice way she will probs have lyla head banging to jim hendrix, where my mum will teach her how to make cakes and grow things, i suppose it's not just age but personality that counts as well.....
At the rehab i was doing bank as a "life support coach" i don't think however it was the best company to work for and that some times they cut corners putting staff in danger to save money. e.g the last shift i did i was left from 5.00 pm to 9.00am on my own with 15 residents most have come straight from prison. had a confrentation with 3 men in the kitchen (i don't do confentation) felt totally out of control and really scared to be there on my own! and with pni i just couldn't be done with the stress and i found my self thinking about it at home as well!!! i do want to carry on with my counselling in the future but found it hard to deal with other people's problems when i can't seem to deal with my own!!! i hope that after i come through this i can use it as another string to my bow to empathise with the people that i am trying to help!!!!
things to be positive about!!! will have a bath plummed in by the end of the day, my mother in law is moving just around the corner so i will no longer have to look after her dogs!!! thank god!!! (long story) and my baby looks like she might start sleeping through!!! and the sun is shining again!!! plus just watching jeremy kyle, at least my life's not like that!!!!! xxxxxx
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Post by cheshire on Apr 4, 2006 9:26:17 GMT
Hi Noodles That is great that Lyla slept through ! Love Hopefulxx
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Post by susanneb1984 on Apr 4, 2006 10:36:51 GMT
Hiya Noodles,
Well done on getting Lyla to sleep through. GJ goes through phases where she sleeps really well, and then times when she doesn't! It's frustrating to say the least. How's the bathroom coming on?
Thinking of you Susanne xxxx
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Post by noodles on Apr 4, 2006 10:57:28 GMT
hopefully i should have a bath by tonight, i hope so im sure i smell!!! refuse to leave the house coz my hair is greasy and minging!!! so i will be on line all day if any one wants to chat!!! hope that it will be finished by the end of the week but i can't see it, poor lyla is having to be hosed down in the kitchen sink!!! ahhhhh hassel but it will be nice when it is finshed!!!!
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Post by susanneb1984 on Apr 4, 2006 13:37:11 GMT
Awwww, I remember when I bathed the girls in the sink! lol it'd have to be a bloody big sink now! lol
Susanne xxxx
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 4, 2006 17:49:19 GMT
hi noodles. well done on getting lyla to sleep all night. sorry not replied earlier Ive had a bit of a bad time
love Hannah xx ;D ;D ;D
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Post by noodles on Apr 4, 2006 21:06:57 GMT
well today improved greatly as it went on, got an interview on thurs one i can take lyla with me so that's good, feeling positive about the weight loss thingy, gonna use the scales down the doctors tomorrow to see how much i weigh, last time i stood on them they said "one at a time please" lol!!! only joking, my husbands not to impressed says i have to do it properly, not just not eat!! coz i have no appitite its easy for me to miss meals, and that i have to exercise, i am hoping that if i get this job then you can use the facilities, it's on a time share resort so that means the gym and pool!!! not that i want to get back in to my bikini in a hurry!!! will start to do aerobics and yoga again when i have a bathroom. lyla has been god as gold today which has made the day better and it's the first day i think since she has been born that i have not had a nap, so i am feeling a bit tired!!! i hope she sleeps through again tonight!!! i just wanted to thank every one again for the support over the last couple of days, i hate the down times it's so unlike me!!! night all!!! xxxx
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Post by cheshire on Apr 5, 2006 7:50:30 GMT
Hi Noodles
Hope you got a good night?
Hopefulx
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