one step at a time

[kb]

Suzi - no worries about posting in my diary, i'm happy to do what i can to help. I will reply in your diary if that's ok - just off to read it now.

K

[kb]

Been bumping up and down a lot over the past few days, but finally thought I'd lost the grip today and was spiralling out of control. Woke up extremely anxious, nervy and upset. Managed to get to work, tried rescue remedy and came so close to taking the diazepam but j helped to calm me down a bit and i just found the strength to battle on through the day. Now i'm in my pj's and am so knackered. Just feel totally wiped out really. Am seeing the psych tomorrow and think I'll be in trouble cos I've not done much CBT since I saw him 3 weeks ago, but its hard to face the monsters in my mind and start pulling at the threads which are all tangled up. Part of me wants to keep the nasty thoughts covered up, if I can keep them locked away, problem is that I can't really.

K

[cheshire]

Hi K

I can remember bumping up and down alot - how are you know?
How did psych. appointment go?

Hx

[kb]

Still bump bump bumping, a bit like winnie the pooh coming down the stairs. Psych was helpful but I think its going to be a longer journey than anticipated cos there are lots of issues in there - self esteem, desire for perfectionisim, past abuse, etc. I also hadn't realised how much work I would have to do between sessions and I'm finding it hard to face my own monsters and record my thoughts, when sometimes even acknowledging them is hard, let alone putting them into words.

One of my best friends called today to tell me she's getting engaged and I'm thrilled for her, but I also got very upset because she hasn't asked me to be her bridesmaid (she was my bridesmaid 5 years ago) and that made me question whether I really have any good friends and why would they like me anyway? I also started to think about the fact that I don't think anyone, even J would want to ask me to marry them the way I am at the moment. J said he would, but he's hardly going to say anything else is he? I got really upset and I know that I'm not being rational, but its hard because my heart just hurts.

I don't know where this all came from, but I sure wish it would all go away again.

K

[kb]

I really don't know if i can keep going. I'm totally snowed under at work, there is so much to do I don't know how I will ever get it done. Working 3 days was supposed to help me feel better, but I'm my own worst enemy and have now ended up trying to do about 5 days work in 3. I feel teary and worried, I don't want to let people down, least of all myself. I should be able to prioritise and get things done but I just feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I've got meetings from 11am, so I really need to do a lot before then because I finish at 3.30 so won't have much time afterwards. I just wish someone was here to give me a hug. Why won't this go away?

K

[Veritee]

Oh you poor thing - I wish I could hug you too.

I worked when I had PNI - half time for most of it not full time.

I think on the whole it did help as it helped my self esteem, I think that had I stayed home it would have been easier but I would have lost a part of myself as well - as I felt I lost it when I had to give up work because of my accident in 03.

but even though it was helpful - there were many days i felt like you above.

i would hate to feel so overwhelmed again.

Please try to do each task at a time - as it is not so much if you work through them one by one - if your job format will allow this.

Please don't give up! or rather consider going off sick for a while if you feel it is really too much right now - rather than considering giving up in the general sense or anything drastic.

Many women with PNI have had a month or even several months off sick when they had PNi and found when they went back things were much easier - some have several periods of time off sick - when they first have it and later when things get too much.....
and have still successfully gone back to work at a later date and mostly to the same job.
It OK to know when you need time.

But look forward to tonight and maybe a glass of wine and pamper yourself - you did well to go to work today if you are feeling so overwhelmed

VeriteeXXX

[cheshire]

Hug from me too - did you get through today ok?

[sianyc]

You are doing so well. It's a huge struggle to cope with work and PNI especially if you're trying to dram too much work in.

Like Veritee says, don't think twice about going off sick if you feel it's gotten too much.

If this really isn't an option, work will have to make some allowances in your workload for you being part time.

Take care lovely x

[kb]

Quick update from me 'cos I'm sooooooooo knackered, i'm in my pj's (have been since before s was!) and really need to go to bed, but just had to finish a work document to send to my client (I work as a management consultant). I survived Wednesday, didn't work yesterday and then had a totally mad day today where I barely had time to breathe, let alone think about all that I had to do. I knew it was going to be busy with lots of meetings, so J had already told me not to expect to get any work done. We were out at a client entertaining thing last night for work so I didn't get the sleep I needed and I always feel worse when I'm tired. I also missed my docs appt this afternoon cos I didn't leave work on time. I really needed to see him, although I don't know what i was going to say. I was thinking on the way home today of asking him to sign me off for a week, but the work will still be there when I go back, I'd be letting my client down and I would feel too bad about it to have the time off. What I really need to do is learn how to slow down, take it easy and look after myself, but somehow even on my non-work days I still try to do too much. I'm really not good at looking after me - hopefully one day soon I'll learn. Have just got myself a new diary / organizer thing to try and remind me to make time for me - since I should be my first priority at the moment but it's not happening. On the front it says "I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!" (Linda Henley-Smith) and right now that last bit certainly applies to me, so I'm going to go and give J a kiss goodnight (assuming he's not sleeping in front of the tv cos he's got a headache and I've been working upstairs for an hour), brush my teeth and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully i won't wake up too much in the night tonight.

Thank you for all your kind words - they mean a lot and its nice to know that you're thinking of me.

K

[kb]

Well i actually managed to overcome my anxiety today and got on with work. I woke up feeling terrible, really nervous and agitated about my ability to do my work today and to do a good enough job. All the way to work I was terrified, bach rescue remedy didn't help, and I was going to either take diazepam or go home. Phoned HR and they were supportive, suggested a couple of things that might help. A colleague came into work and we had to write a document so I really didn't have any choice but to get on with it and we did. It wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, but we did get there. Its so hard to keep going sometimes, but today I did it. I'm on my way home now (longest day I've worked in ages), and am only hoping that I will get some rest tonight so that I'm not too tired tomorrow. I always feel worse when I'm tired, but hopefully I'll sleep.

Still, one day that started out badly, but ended ok. J says I am on an upward trend, it doesn't feel like it from where i'm standing, but i'm definately better than I was earlier this year.

K

[kb]

Well i actually managed to overcome my anxiety today and got on with work. I woke up feeling terrible, really nervous and agitated about my ability to do my work today and to do a good enough job. All the way to work I was terrified, bach rescue remedy didn't help, and I was going to either take diazepam or go home. Phoned HR and they were supportive, suggested a couple of things that might help. A colleague came into work and we had to write a document so I really didn't have any choice but to get on with it and we did. It wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, but we did get there. Its so hard to keep going sometimes, but today I did it. I'm on my way home now (longest day I've worked in ages), and am only hoping that I will get some rest tonight so that I'm not too tired tomorrow. I always feel worse when I'm tired, but hopefully I'll sleep.

Still, one day that started out badly, but ended ok. J says I am on an upward trend, it doesn't feel like it from where i'm standing, but i'm definately better than I was earlier this year.

K

[sianyc]

It's fab that you can see yourself getting better

Just seeing little improvements in how you cope can spur you on a bit and give you some confidence back

Keep going x

[kb]

Slept better last night, still knackered and heavy eyes but not feeling so stressed today.

K

[Veritee]

Hi KB

I am so glad things are a bit better for you - sometimes we need to recognize there is a problem before it gets better so maybe recognizing how overwhelmed you are at work helped a little?

I think you are marvelous to do the high powered job you do - as Management consultant - must be high stress for anyone.

I do understand what you mean about not wanting to let a client down - even at my illest I hated letting anyone at work down so often pushed myself not to

all the best

Veritee XX

[kb]

Thank you.

I've survived another day, and it was not as stressful as yesterday. I do have one thing that is really niggling away in my mind and its stressing me out. I don't really have any reason to believe that I might be, but I'm convinced I might be pregnant. I've been having cramping for about 10 days now (I'm on the pill and my period isn't due til the weekend), I know I can't be unless there was a problem with the pills (I had a mild upset stomach but nothing that should make a difference) but I can't get the thought out of my head. In my mind it would be a terrible thing, but when I spoke to J today he said that we would just have to go through with it, he could never cope with abortion and he didn't think I could either. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow and I'm going to talk to him about it, even though even if I was pregnant it would be too early to do a test. If I'm not then I don't know what's causing the cramps, but maybe my mind is just playing nasty tricks on me? I'd be so terrified of having another one, of not coping, of putting S through all of that and of the impact on J & I as a couple. We're just not ready at the moment - I'm still too ill. Fingers crossed its all my imagination, because I don't think I could cope with that just now.

K