one step at a time

[kb]

Well overall today was a little bit of a better day. I’m just finding the start of each day so difficult just now. I wake up full of dread and anxiety, convinced that I can’t cope with the day. This morning I managed to get out of bed at the time I needed to but then ended up going back to bed before I even made it to the bathroom because I just didn’t want to face the day. I got the later train to work, battled on and made it to hometime. I feel such a fraud when my client says ‘good morning, how are you today?’ and I put on a smile and say I’m fine thanks. I wish I was. HR phoned today to ask how I was doing after I phoned them in distress last week. They’re going to talk to my GP to see if there is anything else that work can do to support me. I’m so lucky, the problem isn’t with anyone else its me and my own expectations, standards and bl**dy perfectionism. I need to be kind to myself but it just seems too hard.

I did have a really nice weekend though, for the first time in ages I actually felt almost relaxed. I went to a friend’s house for the afternoon on Saturday cos she was having a pamper party. I had a reflexology treatment and it was lovely. It was also nice to see my friend and catch up. It was a really relaxed environment – candles, music, food, wine, and people wearing ‘slobbing gear’. After that I went to another friends’ for dinner and to stay over (s was at my parents overnight) and we stayed up far too late chatting and making cards (don’t ask, we’re both crafty addicts and love colour and sparkly things). It was so nice to just feel no pressure, no ‘have to’ or ‘should’ just to be. I want to hold that feeling, but it somehow disappears as soon as I’m at work. The psychologist has said he thinks I’ll need about 10 sessions roughly, but I am finding it much harder than I thought I would. I guess, as always I just have to take it one step at a time. I’m on a non-work day tomorrow and am trying so hard not to plan anything, just to see how I feel and spend a day chilling, but there seems to be so much to do (like housework, studying, cleaning….) that I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I’ve just realised that in some respects I’m lucky that I have the energy to do anything at all. Last summer when I was very ill indeed, I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Its sometimes hard to keep sight of how far I’ve come. I could read my journal from the start, but at the moment it feels like I’m still not far enough from the edge of the black hole and I’m frightened that if I look back I might fall back in. Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough.

K

PS - am not pregnant, thank goodness, period arrived yesterday

[kb]

Made it into work on time today for the first time in about 10 days. It wasn't easy, but I forced myself to get up and get the early train. I'm heading off soon though cos its s's jag today and I decided last night I couldn't not be there for her afterwards (j will take her in because of my needle phobia - we've decided its best for me not to be there in case she picks up on my distress). I feel so terrible about putting her through this. In my mind this is the worst thing we could do to her. I would just hate for her to have my fear. I rationally know that she'll be fine, but what if something went wrong? I do love her now and I hate to put her at risk like this. I've told her its a special kissy day today so that I can give her tons of kisses, because i want to protect her from the danger. I should be pleased that I feel so strongly about her now because I didn't for so long. I wouldn't give her up now. She's mine (although I sometimes still find that hard to believe when I watch her sleeping).

K

[kb]

I have felt calm today for the first time in a very long time. I’ve not been online for a while because I’ve not been feeling great, been finding the mornings very difficult indeed and been too tired in the evenings to do anything except crash. Yesterday was a very draining day at work, my client was very challenging and I was totally wiped out when I got home, but I did survive and I didn’t get too upset or worried. Today has been a non-work day which I really really needed, and I’ve actually managed not to put too much pressure on myself. I had to do a college assignment, but I told myself I could do it slowly and it made me feel so much better (I’ve already missed the deadline so there was no point in stressing about it). I then went to see a friend and I really do feel like a different person inside today. For the first time in months I’ve seen light at the end of the tunnel and think that maybe, just maybe I might get better again. Its scary because I don’t want to count my chickens, having been there before, but I do see a glimmer of hope and its lightened me a little. I will try to go slow tomorrow and not be too hard on myself, and hopefully that will continue to make the difference.

K

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Glad you have had a good day today. Just like you I feel at my worst in the mornings, and then come night I am battered. You seem to be doing an amazing job and I am really pleased you can start to see the light!!

Take Care

Winegirl x

[kb]

My update. That last good day was obviously an upwards blip cos I’ve not had any since. I’m fighting so hard with feeling so cr*p about myself. I know its all about low self esteem, but that doesn’t seem to help somehow. I’m working hard to beat it but I’ve had 30 years of it and I can’t change overnight. When I got dressed this morning j kept telling me I looked good, but what he saw I didn’t. all I saw was fat and wrinkles and I just don’t like what I see. At the same time I wanted to look nice for seeing some friends today and I keep somehow hoping if I wear the right things, do the right things that people will like me. I know it doesn’t work like that, but I can’t see the good that people tell me is there.

I’m still on the same levels of meds, I’m still seeing the gp and the psychologist every 2 weeks and I’m still only working 3 days a week and it just seems to be a bit stagnant really. I know I’m better than I was in feb but I never expected it to take this long, I thought I’d beaten this illness in oct / nov but it looks like that was just a temporary time of respite.

I’m not totally down (though it might sound like it) I’m just fed up and tired of feeling low and having had that good day a couple of weeks ago I’m greedy and I want another one to give me some more hope.

K

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Good to hear from you. Sorry you are still feeling down

It is not greedy to want another good day! Of course you should and you will!

You clearly have a big down on yourslef at the moment, but listen to what people tell you when they say you look good and you are good. People very rarely say these things unless they really mean it.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this blip will pass really soon and you can get back on track.
Take Care

Winegirl x

[kb]

Thanks winegirl. I like what you say about people rarely saying things unless they mean it.
Week is going mixed so far, I'm so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open. I've got an exam tomorrow morning and then after that I'm going to try to give myself lots of tlc time. I need to look after myself but somehow I'm always bottom of the heap.

I'm not supposed to be working today, but here i am sat on the train because I was asked to go to an all day workshop. I was flattered to be ask because its an important meeting, but it does mean that i'm putting myself and time on my own bottom of the heap again.

I do feel like there might be a glimmer of hope, that after the exam tomorroow I can start to prioritise looking after myself and concentrating on getting myself better somehow.

It helps to know there are friendly people out there.

K

[winegirl]

I hope the exam goes well for you mate! And yes, you definately need to make some tlc time for yourslef, so do it! Stop putting yourslef last and look after yourself, you deserve it!

Let us know how the exam goes - Good Luck!

Winegirl x

[kb]

I really am totally fu**ing worthless. I don’t know why I bother. J gets nothing but stress and hardwork from me. I’m nothing to anyone except a pain, boring and self centred. I want to get out of this hole but I can’t maybe its just where I’m supposed to be. Maybe I shouldn’t want any more because I don’t deserve it. I got angry at J for believing me to be incompetent, but hey, he’s been with me for 11 years, he knows me better than anyone, and I’ve spent all that time telling him and showing him how crap I am so why should he believe anything else. Maybe my problem is not low self esteem, its because deep down inside I really am the useless person I believe I am and I really should just give up. I want to get out, I want to punish myself, take away the thoughts and escape. But I can’t

Where can I go.

am so fed up, am in bed and giving up on today.

sorry for bad language and being so down, but i've had it.

[yoyo]

Hey kb - you look at me and listen up (getting tough on you now) YOU ARE NOT worthless or a pain or boring or self-centred - you're a fighter and you can get through this. Today is just a bad day x x x

I can understand how you feel today - I have been there too - I was in a place where I was very confused - I truly believed I was selfish & awful and couldn't quite believe people could still like me in any way at all - but this does pass - it is actually a positive sign - you are becoming aware of life around you again and sub-consciously trying to connect with it x x

Put it down to a bad day and don't beat yourself up about it if possible . . . I think you're a star

[winegirl]

Hi KB

The only reason you are thinking that you are useless is because this sodding illness is making you think like that. I have been following your diary for some time now, and all I get from it is that you really are a tremendous person! You do so much and work so hard and you have even found the time to support people on here, myself included!

Today has been serious blip, but it will pass, sometimes its hard to look at the positives, but you really are brimming with them!

Look after yourself

Winegirl x

[kb]

:-( i'd like to believe you both i really would. i slept for hours last night and i'm totally washed out. i felt so down this morning, i felt like i was getting up and i didnt know who i was or what was happening to me. i had counselling with my mum and i really didn't want to go but somehow i made it. the counsellors are supprotive but i'm fed up of talking about how i feel. i just want it all to go away. i cried loads in cousnelling (about the fact that it looks like my granny doesn't have long to live) and my eyes are all stinging, but it feels like there is still more tears in there. i should have taken the rest of hte day off sick but if i had gone home then s would have been there and i wouldn't have been able to just curl up in a corner. im on my way home now (on the train) and all i want to do is disappear. I can't believe i've slipped so far down again. last night i was thinking of all the violent things i could do to myself, pour boiling water on my arms, cut myself with a big knife in the crux of my elbows so that i would bleed. this morning i was even thinking about taking lots of pills. i thought these sh**ty feelings were behind me but it seems like the huge void inside me is still there as black as ever and all i had done was cover it up temporarily.

i left j a note last night for when he came to bed and he said i should show it to the psychologist on thursday. i might print out my diary from here, because i just can't be bothered to talk to him.

[kb]

last night i also fell straight back into my old ways of coping (not that it worked), i cleaned like a woman possessed. I did the whole kitchen, including hoovering and mopping the floor. When j came back from a walk with s he said to her "mummy's even mopping the floor. she must be really pi*sed off". was i running? i felt like i was trying to prove i had some worth, but then this monring i was looking really hard to see if tehre were bits of the floor i had missed - things that i could beat myself up wth. why can't i just stop?

[kb]

I feel totally wiped out. I had a good cry with j tonight when I got home and he gave me hugs. I’m just washed out from getting upset and angry and empty yesterday, then this morning and getting upset at counselling with mum about my granny and my other grandparents. I was in bed by 8 last night so I feel like I should stay up for a bit but my eyes are all stinging and sore. I really hope I feel a bit better tomorrow.

K

[cheshire]

KB,

I've been following your posts - thinking of you

Hopefulx