one step at a time

[kb]

Yesterday was good, spent the day with my friend, went to Edinburgh and did some shopping, had a really nice lunch and felt masses better, but, just as happened at the beginning of the week, today was horrible and black again.

Went to the health centre this morning and the good hv is off sick until Sept. The other HV said she might come to see me with the psychologist who specialises in child & adolescent mental health, because she might do most of the visiting. I really don't feel I can be at all open with her (the other HV). I feel threatened with her and like I have to keep up the act of being a 'good mum'. The last thing I want is her to come and visit, because I really don't think I'll get any help from it at all.

I feel like I'm back to square one again and don't have any support. The counsellor is on holiday for 2 weeks so I won't see her for another 2.5 weeks. The good HV is off sick til September, the psychologist hasn't seen me cos I'm on the waiting list still and the GP is back next week, but doesn't have the time I need and I'm not sure I'm on high enough levels of the meds anyway (see thread in medication topic). I've had so many low days recently that its really scary not to have any support around and I'm also fighting very hard to get control of my thoughts about going back to work. We're supposed to be moving in a maximum of 2 weeks and I don't know if it will happen or not because I don't know if the new house will be ready. I have to start work on 4th Sept unless I'm signed off or go with a phased return to work. Everyone keeps asking me about both and they're both really stressful things. I'm back in a place of wanting to run away from everything. I've been in my pyjamas since I got home at 4.30pm, I can't be bothered to cook dinner and the house is still a mess. J is vegging in front of the tv and showing no signs of cooking dinner and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep, but even then I know I'll wake up wide awake at 4pm so I'm not sure its worth it.

My parents are having S this weekend so we can work on the new house and I know that even if I only see them for half an hour tomorrow morning they will wind me up. They don't listen to me, they just barrage me with questions and jump in with solutions to problems they don't understand. I know they mean well, but I just wish they'd give me a bit of space. I'm too tired to reason with them though. I'm seeing the GP next Thursday and am going to see what he says about trying to increase the medication, maybe even to 30mg every second day or something, I just feel I need more support.

Is it bedtime yet?

K

ps thanks hopeful, some days I can believe it will get better, but everytime I have an ok / good day it seems followed by rubbish black ones again so that I feel i'd rather not have any good days, I'd settle for a constant of ok instead.

[kb]

Quick update cos I should already be getting ready to go out for the day. Friday was horrible. Went to HV drop-in clinic for the first time, which I realise afterwards was really because I wanted to find out if good HV was back cos I need some support while the counsellor's on holiday. Bad news is that she's off sick til September which is really not good news for her or me. The other 2 HVs talked about coming to see me, but the thing is I don't get on well with either of them and I don't feel I can be myself. I found myself doing the whole 'acting mummy' thing, singing to S to try and stop her from grumping and seeming like everything was ok. They both said I'm doing so much better, but they don't see the bad bits, its like they only see what they want to see. When I left them, I could feel myself slipping so I called my friend and went round to see her to stop me coming home and disappearing into the black whole again. It worked, but I still felt pretty low for the rest of the day. Now I need to chase the psychologist because I still haven't got an appointment and its been over 2 months - so much for an urgent referral.

The weekend was better - mum & dad had S and we got more work done on the house. We're trying to move a week on Thursday so its all a bit mad and I don't think we're anywhere nearly ready. J says I have to concentrate on looking after myself and keeping me sane and he'll do the house stuff but there just don't seem to be enough hours. Am out all day today (again - its the only way I can cope). Better get dressed and ready or S will be tired and grumpy. Hope today is ok.

K

[kb]

Big black hole is beckoning me again. found out floorboards won't be ready for our house until early next week. we're supposed to be moving a week on thursday so that leaves it really late. wouldn't normally get to me so much but i got really really angry and then just wanted out. thought about breaking a glass and cutting my wrists or stabbing my thighs. i know i won't do it but it really upsets me to have the thoughts, i try hard not to think them but i can't seem to stop picturing them. i sat while s had her dinner in her highchair and went into some kind of trance. i closed my eyes and i just disappeared into myself. i don't think it was long, but i don't really know. i'm worried because i was on my own with s - what if something had happened? j is home now and looking after her and i just want to crawl into a cave again. when will this end?

[cheshire]

Hi KB

Must dash just now - but I've been following your posts..it will get better, even though that may seem completely unbelieveable just now.

Love Hopefulx

[kb]

feeling anxious again this morning. got friends coming to help me look after s and pack ready to move house next week. feel kind of buzzy and am getting very worked up about going back to work. small things get me down so easily i don't know if i can cope. it would be ok if my job was a straightforward one, but its fairly stressful at the best of times and i just don't know if i'm strong enough, but at the same time i don't want to delay the inevitable and to run away from work. its so difficult to know what to do. am trying to get my doc's appt for tomorrow changed to friday and will hopefully talk to him about it then. really wish the counsellor wasn't on holiday. i need some time and space to think and i just can't find it. i can't look after myself properly.

[kb]

Quite a down day today. S was really really really clingy so even having friends to help me pack and paint didn't help because I got stuck holding S all day (literally). Am so tired because I was waking every hour last night. Not heard whether I've got the docs appt changed yet - they're phoning me in the morning to let me know. I'm having an afternoon on my own without S tomorrow. Hopefully it will give me some of the space I need to think straight again.

When I was really really frustrated with S today and looking for a way out I had really vivid thoughts of cutting my wrists and pouring a hot liquid into the cuts - almost like I could pour something into me that would deaden the pain and take my mind onto something else. I scare myself with those thoughts - I don't think I'd ever do anything to myself, but then before I got ill I would never have thought I'd even have the thoughts. It feels like its happening to someone else, and then sometimes I feel closer to normal and I can't understand how I could have felt so desperate. This journey is already lots longer than I had anticipated and I'm not convinced I can even see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse, but then it gets snuffed out again. The doctor had said I should be feeling the full effects of the meds by now - I know they won't cure me, but shouldn't I be feeling better than this by now?

K

[kb]

Saw doc today and got meds increased to 40mg of citalopram a day. Am a bit scared now that the side effects will hit again, but they went away fairly quickly last time and to be honest I can't keep going like this so I need to try the higher dose and see if that works. Doc wants to see me next week, he said that 4th sept (when I'm due to go back to work) is not that far away, implying that we need to talk about it. To be honest I'm getting more worked up about it and really starting to think I'm not ready to go back, but I don't want to avoid it either. I wish the counsellor was around but I won't see her until a week on Tuesday. I know she can't make the decisions for me but she could help me to think things through.

Actually had an ok day today although I nearly lost it this afternoon after S wouldn't stop crying. She was so overtired she cried herself hoarse. Eventually I put her in the car and took her to the new house - she fell asleep just before we got there, but I got a hug from J and then drove her home for tea, bath and bed. We spent the whole day together S and me, I didn't stay at home - I couldn't cope with that. I realised its at least 4 months since S & I spent a whole day at home on our own, I just get too scared to do it. I've done a couple of half days in the last few weeks, but a day seems like forever. I took her out shopping for the morning, then went to see the doctor, then took the dog for a walk, then drove to the new house and back in time for bedtime routine. I'm knackered, totally and utterly exhausted, but the only way I can cope with my feelings is to keep so busy that they can't catch me. Things always go downhill if I stop long enough to feel and think clearly. I also really really want to start sleeping properly. If the increased citalopram doesn't do the trick then I'm going to have to ask the GP for something else because I'm worried I'll fall asleep looking after S or when I'm driving. I would love to go to bed now, but its our 5th wedding anniversary and J will be home in about an hour with fish & chips to celebrate! Then I said I would go to the new house to clean grout off the bathroom floor and seal the slate before he does any more of the plumbing. I really don't see how we'll be ready to sleep there on Thursday, but who knows, maybe it will all come together. J has done loads of packing here though so it feels like we might have broken the back of that - even though the house is total and utter chaos. I kind of feel positive about moving because I do love the new house and we will all be together which will be great, but I wish I could just click my heels together three times and we'd be magically moved. I don't feel too stressed about it, but I don't feel relaxed about it either. It also means we can't ever just spend the evening vegging in front of the tv.

Must stop waffling now and go do more packing before I start to fall asleep. Maybe I'll get some coffee first to warm me up and keep me awake.

K

[kb]

Today was an ok day but only because a friend saved me from sliding back down again. I was really stressed about the new house, it doesn't seem anywhere near ready for us to move into and I know we need to move before I go back to work or I just won't feel like its my home. I suppose that means the anxiety is all linked to going back to work, I just don't feel ready to cope with the uncertainty and pressure that my job involves, but I just can't see myself being signed off, somehow I don't want to admit to the outside working world that I'm not well, but I guess I'll make mayself more sick if I don't look after myself and make the right decision. I just don't know what to do and who to talk to about it because J doesnt seem to understand why I'm worried about it. The GP doesn't have much time and the counsellor is off on holiday for another week. Thankfully my friend was really positive and took S for the whole afternoon, through until bedtime to give me a break and let me do some work on the house. Instead of sitting getting depressed I managed to find the energy to do some painting and clean the slate in the bathroom floor so I can seal it tomorrow. I'm totally totally exhausted, but I seem to go from extremes of feeling so depressed I can't do anything at all, to doing loads and making myself exhausted again. Its a viscious circle. S was great at my friends so I feel comfortable leaving her with them again. Its good to know they are there, but it was so hard to ask them to look after her. I don't like feeling so weak and dependent.

K

[cheshire]

When are you due to move K?
Is it this Thursday?xx

[kb]

Thanks for asking Hopeful, was supposed to be Thursday but we couldnt get a van so we got one for Friday and I managed to get S in nursery from 9 - 3.30 so we should be able to get most of it done. Am feeling guilty about the amount of time she's with other people at teh moment but its not for long. Am doing ok today but really tired again so off to bed now. We're really moving to not much more than a building site, but at least we'll all be together during the day and can start to make it a home. I've moved loads as a child so its really important for me to feel settled quite quickly. I just want to get in there now to be honest, if I had a magic wand I'd use it. Also still very unsure about going back to work. I feel like I'm hanging on just about at the moment, but I'm really not sure about going back and whether I'm ready or not. How would I know if I was? The counsellor said that I would feel a mix of anxiety and excitement, but I don't feel any excitement. Oh I just don't know.

K

[kb]

Feeling sick and lightheaded again, but actually had an ok day so I'm hoping its just the increased dose of anti d's and that it will subside again soon. Was supposed to spend day at home with S doing packing, but didn't get much sleep last night so decided to go to Edinburgh again and spend the day there. J said it was better to do that than stay at home and have a bad day that spilled over into tomorrow. Just means that no packing got done and its even less time til we move and I'm shattered. I was awake at 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5 last night and then S was up from 6.30 so I'm totally exhausted.

I've been thinking about the fact that I fill my day with seeing other people. Before I thought that was because I didn't want to be with S on my own and I think that was genuinely the case, but now I think I've fallen into a trap of thinking that life is easier if I've got other people around me and I also think I'm doing it to run away from my own thoughts. I've not spent a day with S on my own at home since spring and the thought just terrifies me, but I think that's now largely because I would have too much time for my emotions to be there and I would have to listen to them which I don't want to do. But at the same time that's not really going to help counselling because the whole point is to explore my feelings, understand them and then move on. I want to write the letter to my parents that my counsellor suggested, but I just don't know where to find the time. I ended up sleeping in the car this afternoon while S had a nap because I was just too tired to move. I hope the increased anti d's will help the sleep again soon and that I'll be less scared of being on my own and will be able to decide what to do about work. That said, I don't even know if its really my decision. I don't know if the GP will sign me off if I say I'm not ready to go back at all, and I don't know if work would let me do a phased return to work, so I may just have to go back full-time on 4th September and that's terrifying. I don't know who to talk to about it.

K

[cheshire]

Hi KB

I did a phased return to work - it worked quite well.
Human resources asked if I needed an appointment with OH and I decided to go through with it..they recommended the phased return etc.

Let us kow how you get onxx

[kb]

Thanks Hopeful. Not been online for ages because we moved on 18th August and we don't have a phoneline at the new house yet (so no internet access). Been keeping a journal in a book and in draft text messages to keep myself focussed and give me some outlet to let out what's in my head. I've been signed off for 6 weeks which goes til the end of Sept, but its flexible and the GP and counsellor have said the main thing is to get on an even keel before I go back so that I'm in a good position to go back to work. I think I will see OH when I do feel ready to go back. It doesn't feel that far away, but I do still find myself knocked back very quickly by things that wouldn't have bothered me much before. I'm getting on much better with S now, we have fun, and I feel and am so much more tender with her, stroking her hair, giving her kisses and smiling and playing with her which I haven't ever done before. Its just sad that its taken a year to get to this stage. Am still feeling pretty knackered, but I am generally sleeping much better. I do feel weak and wobbly, not sure what's causing that, but hopefully it will go away. I'm also being paranoid in groups of people and become convinced they will stab me with needles. It happened again yesterday when I was queing for the ATM. GP doesn't know what would trigger it given that generally I'm doing so much better, but said it could be if someone had frightened me and that might be because of the way my mum has been with me recently (all written in my journal book, but she's been making life very very very difficult for me in the last few weeks. Am managing to keep it in perspective most of the time, but it has made me more anxious again).

One step at a time I do feel I'm getting better, I just don't know how many steps there are.

K

[cheshire]

Hi KB

I hope you're settling into your new home ok.

Love Hopefulx

[kb]

I'm really missing online access. We give up the keys to our old house today and then won't have access at all. I'm writing my journal on paper, but I somehow don't manage to make time to write as often. Had a low weekend, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues were all low. Not as black as the bad days used to be but I still felt really down, couldn't be bothered to do anything and just wanted to hide. On saturday I lay in bed with the covers pulled over my head for an hour and a half in the afternoon, eyes wide open, just wanting everything to go away.

The house is fine, we're slowly getting settled, but I don't like it when we bring more boxes in and the chaos returns - I need to feel safe and I don't when its like that. I'm also becoming apprehensive about going back to work again. I'm signed off til the end of the month and I know the GP will extend it if I need to, but I also know I have to go back to work sometime. The counsellor tells me not to let those thoughts spiral, but its really hard. J also seems to think its definite that I'm going back at teh start of Oct and I think he thinks that going back to work will be good for me. I just don't know. I'm thinking that part of me is ready but lots of me isn't. Things with S are going well and I want that to continue. I realised yesterday, for the first time, that I love her. I'm still to scared to say the words out loud, but its an incredibly warm feeling after all the negative thoughts I've had about her. It's taken a long time, but I'm finally bonding with my little girl and getting more comfortable in being a mummy, and I never ever thought I'd be able to say that in the last year. Each step definitely helps, even if some of them seem to take me back into the hole again, its only temporary and this time I know the way out.

K

Hopeful - when did you speak to OH? Was it when you felt ready to go back or was it a bit before?