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Post by cheshire on Sept 23, 2006 17:24:17 GMT
Hi kb,
It was actually just before going back (the date had been preset, therefore not relating to PNI or recovery - as I was on a 'sabbatical' (too ill to do the work on this tho' unfortunately)) . I started getting worried as the return date drew nearer - as I still wasn't 100% (last December) . Because of this, HR felt I needed OH support.
I had a phased return in the end and found the OH team very helpful and supportive. My employers have been fantastic and well, I'm still working - there was a point with PNI when I thought I never would again!
So, I guess doing it beforehand is helpful - there's nothing to lose? I was continually told that OH is there to help youx
Hope all's going well at the new housexx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Oct 26, 2006 10:24:53 GMT
Well I really really can't believe its only just over a month since I last posted. I thought it had been so much longer. I also can't believe that I'm about to post that I think I've finally cracked it and am feeling better. I started back at work last week and have agreed a phased return with OH. The doctor was really helpful and has advised against working from home, doing any overtime and doing too much travel. I've had a couple of hard times when I've been working but have (eventually) managed to get things back into perspective again. I'm on my way to London now for a two-day trip and although I'm a bit anxious and didn't sleep much last night, I generally feel ok.
Life with S is totally transformed. I love her to bits and she is a great person to be around. She sometimes drives me nuts, but in a normal '14 month old baby trying to communicate what she wants without having all the words', but she also makes me laugh and I feel the overwhelming desire to cover her with kisses and cuddles and smiles and laughter.
For anyone reading my journal there really and truly is hope. The medication at the increased level of 40mg a day has made a phenomenal difference and the counselling has also really helped me, I'm now only seeing the counsellor every two weeks and I don't think it will be long before I can stop seeing her. I've also learned to take time for myself, to reflect, to be me and to enjoy my own company. Its not always easy to make that time, but it makes a huge difference to how I feel about the world and myself. I also recognise when I'm not looking after myself and understand more about what leads me to feeling down.
Life is never perfect, but compared to the first year with my daughter, the first two months of the second year have been transformed. I'm living life now, my way and enjoying it. I've started an Italian cookery course which I love and is time just for me. I'm so lucky to have had the support of this forum and of my friends as I worked through this. I'm sure there will still be some blips, but I believe now that I can come through them and that life is worth living.
I hope this gives some of you hope, because no matter how black and dark the world may seem, one step at a time there is hope.
K
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Post by cheshire on Oct 26, 2006 12:02:45 GMT
Hi KB That is so great to hear Love Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Nov 2, 2006 19:06:03 GMT
Well I've now done 3 weeks back at work and I'm still surviving. I found it hard when I came back from london at the weekend. It seemed like J & S had formed a bond and didn't need me anymore, and that my home wasn't my home. My counsellor helped me see that I'm just finding my new space in our family and that it will take effort but it will happen. I understand that now and I just need to make sure that I make space for me, to look after myself, and for me and J, and for me and S. We're going to my sisters wedding tomorrow and I'm quite nervous about seeing my mum, but with J and S there it should all be ok. I have found being back at work exhausting but at the same time I find it hard to stick to my reduced hours. Sometimes I think I'm my own worst enemy. Best get on with packing for the trip so I can have an early night ready for an early start.
Things are still going well, I just have to still take it one day at a time and concentrate on how well I'm doing to have come this far.
K
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Post by monica on Nov 3, 2006 0:01:03 GMT
hello
it's good to hear you're doing well and it certainly sounds as you're well on the road to recovery.
Monica
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Post by chica on Nov 3, 2006 10:52:01 GMT
Hi there, Just want to say I am glad that things are picking up for you again. Hope you enjoy your sisters wedding. As you say one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. We will all get there.
Chica
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Dec 5, 2006 9:57:03 GMT
Just wanted to write a quick update because this is my first week being back at work full-time and so far, so good! I had my last counselling session last week and I really felt like i was ready to stop going. It was a great help to me over the summer and I'm really not sure what I would have done without it. My counsellor talked about holding me and that's what it felt like, but now I can stand on my feet again and boy does it feel nice to feel calm and centred just being me. I still have some little blips, but I'm much better able to cope with them and I'm also becoming better at realising when I'm at risk because I've not been looking after myself or because I've ended up in stressful situations, then I try to make time for me, ask J for hugs or just spend some time thinking things through. I've not read back through my diary yet, but one day i will. At the moment the scars are too raw. The counsellor said that I'm in recovery now and I need to be careful not to put myself into situations that will upset me so i'm trying to do that and, for the first time in a very long time, look after me.
Hang on in there everyone, this horrible illness does get better and I hope that reading my story might help someone somewhere to have hope in the future.
K xxx
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Post by chica on Dec 5, 2006 17:33:27 GMT
Hi kb, It is wonderful to hear that you are feeling so well. I too am feeling much better in my self, I too for anyone reading this, can promise that things really can improve and the darkness does eventually lift. So well done again kb, you really have been on a very long and hard journey, so wishing you lots of love and hugs. Chica
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Post by cheshire on Dec 5, 2006 20:16:49 GMT
Hi kb,
As Chica says - great to hear from you and that you're doing so wellxx
I'm sure your story will help othersx
Take care Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Dec 12, 2006 10:07:52 GMT
Blip blip bl***dy blip. I was feeling so much better but I had a bad blip at the weekend and now, with pmt as well i can't seem to shift it. i just want to curl up in a corner and sleep and cry. Its strange because I'm not normally tearful, but I'm sitting at my desk and I can feel myself welling up. The blip at the weekend was all about my mother. We took S to see her at the weekend and I really just don't know how to handle it. I'm so angry with her and I really resent the fact that she's trying to lay all the blame for what happened in the summer on me, when actually it was her that attacked me, not the other way around. We're due to start relationship counselling in the new year, but I really can't be ar*ed. I just want the whole thing to go away. I know that it isn't helping that I'm so tired from work and from s being up during hte night, but i shouldn't have to deal with mum's rubbish as well as my own. I want the colours back in my life permanantly, but she keeps making it grey.
I know what my counsellor would say, I have the choice about how it affects me and actually its more about mum than about me, but sometimes its hard to remember that. I need to remind myself the good things about me and try to stay more positive, but I just want to howl.
K
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Post by cheshire on Dec 12, 2006 10:57:40 GMT
Hi KB,
So sorry to hear you're having a blip...
I personally found them so hard once recovery was well underway and I was getting longer and more frequent, good spells.
I also found it hard to keep telling myself about the good things etc. - as PNI has really undermined my self esteem.
But you will get through this blip - we're all here for youxx
Lots of love Hopefulx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 13, 2006 12:35:59 GMT
Hi KB
Sorry about your awful Blip day. Is today any better? Just remember that that is all it is, a blip, and will be over quickly.
I do hope this relationship counselling works out so that you can put all this stuff away in a box and look to a more positive future.
Here for you
Winegirl x
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Dec 13, 2006 14:00:23 GMT
Blip feeling a lot less today. It still has to be one step at a time I think. The weekend reminded me I'm still in recovery and that I need to look after myself. I feel really tearful though, I think I'm starting to grieve for having effectively lost a lot of the first year with my daughter to pni and its finally coming out of my system. Told work that i'd had a relapse at the weekend and they've been really supportive, they told me that we can review full-time if its too much at the moment and I can go back down to less than 5 days for a while if I need to. I think I'm ok til Christmas and then we will look at it again - I am finishing a week tomorrow for Christmas and I had Monday off so I'm doing 2 x 4 day weeks really.
I really thought that things would be ok from now on, and I suppose they will be, but I could do without going backwards again.
K
PS thanks Hopeful and Winegirl, it helps to know I'm not alone.
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Post by francoise on Dec 13, 2006 14:27:05 GMT
hi k
just read ure diary, its alot isnt it , new house with the move and new baby , plus pni , god the stresses in those things are massive , first christmas though in your new house and her first christmas where she can open her pressies , , hope your blips remain few and far between hun , ure certainly not alone here .
francoise xxx
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Post by monica on Dec 14, 2006 6:47:28 GMT
Hi
Sorry you had a crappy few days. This illness sucks adn every so often we're all reminded of it big time. You've got loads on your plate, what with being up with your child which has tired you out and probs with your mum - it all doesn't help. Don't forget you're only human and recovering. be kind to yourself
Monica
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