one step at a time

[kb]

been to the gym, feeling a lot better. need to stay calm at lunchtime 'cos I'm going out, but generally things are looking up. now going to concentrate on work cos there's tons to do and not much time!

K

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Glad things are looking rosier! How did it go at lunch? I am going to be brave next week and walk to the local shop to buy a sarnie for lunch! Hope you got all youir work done!

Winegirl x

[monica]

Hi

How are you today? Did you get to the gym and how did it go? How was work?

I hoep things are better for you. Could your blip have coincided with your period? Often PNI can become PMT, with the very same symtpms before your period. I seem to get pMT more than before.

I've been going (or should I say had been going as haven't been this week) to aerobics, spinning and have felt so much better for it. It's brought be out of blips before. I hope it works for you too.

Taek care

Monica

[kb]

I'm back! Been off work all week with a horrid cold which made me feel all dizzy (started on Sunday). Meant I spent 3 whole days in bed and I feel much more rested now. Still feel like my head's full of cotton wool though and beginning to think I'd have been more use at home today to be honest, but I'm here now so I'll stay til home time! Psychologically not sure how things are. Felt ok at home and think I feel better out and about now than I did last week (am trying hard not to focus on it in case the thoughts come back) so maybe I've come out of the blip. Sadly it wasn't to do with my period - at least that would explain it. I'm on the pill and have just taken two packets back to back. Am seeing the doc again tomorrow so we'll see, he's still chasing a psychologist, but I'm just feeling so fuzzy cos of the cold just now I'm glad I'm not feeling anxious or paranoid.

Not been to the gym again (obviously) which is frustrating, but I'll get back there.

Thanks for your messages.

K

[kb]

My cold is getting better, not used nearly as much tissues today! Had my first family therapy session today (without my mum - she saw them yesterday) and it was quite helpful. They were spot in in interpreting what I was saying and really questioned whether I want to restore my relationship and whether I'm well enough and strong enough to after being so ill with pni. I've agreed with them that we can try a joint session in the middle of February, with the understanding that it might be difficult, but that it will give me some time to recover from my recent blip and that we can always bring in other people to ease the pressure if we need to. I trust them to look after me and I just need to remember (as always) to look after myself.

The anxiety is still there a little bit. I'm going to see my granny in hospital tomorrow (hopefully) and I'm just hoping that it won't upset me too much. With any luck she'll be having a good day.

Thank goodness its Friday, I don't feel good or bad, just indifferent really.

K

[monica]

Hi

How are you? How's your granny? I can remember after a bout of feeling well, I got an urine infection, and that seemed to trigger a blip. You mentioned you'd had a stinking cold. I guess sometimes there's not rhyme or reason to it or at least one you can notice. I still have days now (I'm much better by the way) when I wake up and feel foggy spaced out a bit panicy. I'm sure over time it will lessen and eventually go.

Take care

Monica

[kb]

Not feeling too happy today, slept a bit better but felt a bit anxious on the way into work and now feel like i've been rapped over the knuckles about a tiny work thing and am in danger of getting it out of proportion. I just hate feeling like I'm not doing a good job anymore. Over the weekend I was watching Kylie's showgirl tour on TV and thinking that in a way its similar. She's been ill and is now having to adapt the way she performs at work - it doesn't make her any less capable at her job, but she just has to go about it differently. Its a really hard lesson for me to learn. I feel like I'm not doing a good job and because i'm between projects there's noone who can really tell me otherwise. I'm starting with my new client tomorrow (I work in consulting) so hopefully that might help if I can get over the initial nerves. I just feel a bit like I'm bumping along, not as well as I was before Christmas, but its so hard not to beat myself up about it. I just want to be normal, I'm fed up of having to remember to take care of myself and not to do too much. I suppose that's something that you should always do anyway, but its not something that I'm used to at all. Why is it such a hard lesson to learn?

Granny was good at the weekend and it was really nice to see her, I'm working in London at the end of this week otherwise I would have gone back to see her after work one day. Not looking forward to London, its going to take a lot of effort to stay calm when I'm travelling etc, will just need to keep thinking about my shield and try to distract myself.

Feel like I'm rambling so I'm going to stop now and go and make myself coffee and try to get on with some work.

K

[winegirl]

Hi KB

How are you doing? I know what you mean about bumbling through work. I used to be able to do my job with my eyes shut and now just getting thru the first hour is like a war!

Glad your granny is doing ok, one less thing for you to worry about too.

I think Kylie's current position is quite inspiring really. I mean noone is knocking her for taking things a little easier so surely thats the way it is with us guys all having to look after ourselves a bit more. But I know what you mean about just wanting to be normal, it would be great to fly aroun like a lunatic again without even thinking about it!

Hope you have had a good weekend x

Winegirl x

[kb]

I can't concentrate today. I should be working, but here I am on the web when there's tons for me to do. Its been a roller coaster few days. London was really really hard. I got caught up in all the stormy weather on Thursday so it took me 12 hours to get down (it should take about 4). I was totally knackered and as a result woke up on Friday feeling really anxious and upset. I really didn't think I would get to the office, so I took a diazepam which helped me not feel anxious, but I still felt teary. I made it to work and I had some meetings with HR and other people who are really supportive at work. I am lucky that they really support me, but I feel like I'm a drain on the company and that I'm not giving much in return just now. My HR rep said that's not the case and they recognise my strengths, and another couple of people said that I have done good work since I came back, I just can't seem to see it myself really and it feels like I'm doing so little compared to the things I did at work before I had S. I'm glad I made it through the day though, it was a big achievement.

Then on Saturday I found out my auntie had attempted suicide by taking a huge overdose. She got help before it was too late, but I really don't know how to feel about it - I'm numb I think. I don't think she's getting the help she needs (she's already been discharged) and its putting even more pressure on my mum which is not going to help me.

Back at work yesterday and I managed to do ok, even though I was feeling really small. Then J told me S had a really high temperature so I'm not sure what's wrong with her (she's responding to calpol and calprofen so I'm not too worried about her, but I still don't like being at work when she's sick). And finally, my father in law called to say that my brother in law (who's only 19) had been rushed to hospital because he was paralysed down one side of his body. He's regained control of his arm and face now, and they've ruled out tumours, but he has to have a lumber puncture today. They think it might just have been a severe migraine, but its pretty scary.

To be honest I'm not sure I'm really living in the real world, I feel quite numb. I also feel tearful, but that's nothing new. I'm seeing occupational health tomorrow to see what they say about reducing my hours again to see if that makes a difference. I was wondering this morning whether I'd maybe just rushed my phased return and I should of done it over a longer time or not. I'll see what he says.

I've also finally got an appointment with the psychiatrist next week for CBT. Its taken 8 months to get the appointment, so I really hope its worth it.

I'm so fed up with being ill, I just want it all to go away. I got really cross at the weekend, I don't want to have to keep looking after myself, I don't want to have people asking me how I am all the time (when the answer is still not good). I was prepared for blips, but I seem to be bumping along, when in November I was feeling so much better. I'm still on the citalopram, and on Friday even that wasn't enough. I just want to be me again and not feel so cr*p. I know I'm much better than I was last summer, but it all still seems like an uphill struggle and I'm too tired to keep climbing. I want to rest and sleep somewhere.

[kb]

feeling really rubbish, got knots in my tummy and feeling very very tearful. have just cancelled a meeting and am trying to run away from everything. want to run away again.

[cheshire]

KB

How are you today?
Hope you feel a little bit better
Hopefulx

[kb]

feeling a bit better today, was still very teary this morning, but shed loads last night. J told me he thought i was bottling things up so i told him more about how i am feeling (i didn't want to burden him). Am off to see occ health now (again) and am hoping that he will be able to help me see the light a bit and offer suggestions about how to cope. Work isn't causing the problem, but it isn't making it easier and in this blip I think its making it harder because I don't have time to look after myself enough that I can cope.

One step, one tiny step, but hopefully it will help.

K

[kb]

Well for the first time in weeks, today has been a better day. Had a big meeting at work which I was helping to run and I was quite nervous about it, but it actually went really well and has given me hope that maybe I am still competent at work and can still look like I know what I'm doing. It was a really really long day, and I was at work until late yesterday evening so I'm knackered now (am on my way home to Scotland from London), so I know I need to look after myself and make sure I get rest at the weekend (my symptoms get a lot worse when I'm tired). S is going to my in-laws tomorrow and staying til Sunday. Although I'll miss her (and I never thought I'd say that), it will mean I get a lie in on Sunday and can take it easy.

One of the things I think helped me today was building in just a little bit of time for me. It may sound silly, but I arranged to meet a friend at 8.55 this morning outside the Godiva chocolate shop (they were launching their new collection and the first 10 pairs of people into the shop got a free box of chocolates). I'm a chocaholic and I love really nice chocolates so it was a real treat for me (I'm going to save them for a rainy day) and it meant I got to see my friend briefly. As I went out to meet her I did wonder if I was mad given that the meeting started at 9.30 and I wasn't totally ready, but actually I felt I was sending myself a strong message that yes, the meeting was important, but so am I and I'm going to do something for myself before the meeting, because I matter too. That's a big change in my thinking. For most of my life (as long as I can remember) I've put other people first - my family when I was a child (my parents went bankrupt when I was 10 and my father is an alcoholic so I've always felt I had to look after them); my friends, my work colleagues and my job, not to mention volunteering. Today, in a small, seemingly insignificant way, I put myself first and it felt good. It wasn't being selfish, it was just about looking after me and I think I might slowly be learning that that is something which really matters. Maybe, just maybe the relapse over the past few weeks has been because I've not been looking after myself. To be kind to myself I need to make time for myself (which had somehow slipped by the wayside) and I also need to tell myself how well I'm doing to just get through every day (and believe other people like my HR rep and my sister when they tell me that I'm doing really well). I have so much less belief in myself than I did before I had s, and even then I felt like a duck most of the time (nobody saw me paddling below the surface, they saw the calm, collected outside). Now is the time to build true confidence in me - I'm just not terribly sure how to do it, but I think I might start writing down one thing each day that I've done well - even if it's only tiny. Maybe if I did that, then I could look back at them and realise that I'm actually doing ok. I know there will be days when I can't think of anything, because I am down and dont see the positive sides, but maybe those are the days when I need to ask other people to tell me what I've done well to keep me positive. Not every day will be a good day, but maybe every day has something good in it - even if its just surviving the day and making it to bedtime.

Am in danger of becoming too reflective now, so I'll stop, but its been a good day and I really want to keep hold of the good feelings because they disappeared for a while and they make life so much more liveable.

K

[yoyo]

Well done Hang on to this feeling if you possiubly can x x x x Really big well done x

[kb]

Thanks yoyo.

The weekend was fine - I tried really hard to take care of me and I think I did ok. On Saturday I actually managed to go to Tesco and do the shopping on my own - on a Saturday afternoon. So many times in the last few months I've been shopping with J and ended up frozen to the spot with fear, my back against the aisle so noone could stab me. I toook it really slowly on Satuday (it took me 2 hours to do a week's shopping), so that I didnt panic. I also took some Bach rescue remedy, and I stayed focused on the shopping, not thinking about other people....and I did it! One small step for most people, but a big one for me. On Sunday I managed to have a lie in rather than rush around doing all the jobs I thought needed done, and yesterday I survived the day! Today I ended up working at home cos of problems on the trains and I was actually productive, even though it took me every once of effort (and J actually pushing me) to get me out of bed 'cos of the anxiety. It feels like everything is such a big challenge, but for the first time in weeks I am tackling those challenges and finding the energy to fight it sometimes.

I'd like to find some more dedicated time for me, but I'm not sure where I'm going to find that from. Its definitely something to look for, because it does make such a difference to how I feel overall.

Going to see occ health tomorrow morning so we'll see what he has to say.

K