kb
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Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jan 31, 2007 19:40:27 GMT
Am sick fed up of feeling like this. Had another sh*t day. Missed my occ health appt cos I was too anxious to get up and then got stuck in traffic. Spent an hour in floods of tears, not knowing where to go or what to do. I just couldnt see a way out. Thought about going to hospital to see if I could admit myself, but decided not to. Ended up texting a friend who has pni and asking if she was around. She looked after me this morning and then I hid for the afternoon in a coffee shop and did very little work. I didn't want to go home, I just wanted to hide. Seeing doc and psychologist tomorrow so maybe that will help. Am going to ask doc about increasing meds although it feels like a step backwards, maybe its what i need to help me through for a little while. This year has been stressful so far, and I know I need to get better at looking after myself and not doing too much, but maybe I also need some other help to make life a little bit easier. Its so bitter to feel like this when in October / November I thought I'd cracked this stupid illness.
Early night tonight and hopefully I'll sleep better, then tomorrow is a new day.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 1, 2007 10:12:07 GMT
Woke up feeling ok this morning, but am now getting anxious about seeing the psychologist. Took several herbal sleeping tablets last night and it seemed to make me sleep a bit better - I only remember waking once which is a massive improvement on the previous few nights. I really want the psychologist to help, but I'm not sure where to start since my symptoms keep changing.
By the end of today I would like to know that I'm going to get some help in changing my destructive thought patterns, I'd like the GP to increase my dose of citalopram and refer me for homeopathy and I'd like to have discussed working 4-4.5 days a week for the next few weeks to give myself space to look after me. I suppose that's positive in that I know more what I think might help - maybe having the space to myself yesterday and getting all of those tears out has helped me to clear my mind.
K
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Post by Veritee on Feb 3, 2007 18:56:15 GMT
Hi KB I hope its OK if i write in your dairy?
How did the psychologist and the doctor go - been waiting to hear how it went. this illness is horrible in the way it goes up and down
but you are doing OK - I know it does not seem like it at the moment , but you are
Love veritee
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 8, 2007 13:14:35 GMT
Hi veritee, yes its ok for you to write in my diary. Not been writing for a while because I've not had the mental space to sit down.
Psychologist was helpful - have seen him again yesterday. Its not going to be a quick fix and he's actually already discovered things that I didn't realise were there, like low self esteem; a desperation to create a stable emotional environment for s (which makes me scared to do the wrong thing, so I back away and don't get involved with her and J in case I do the wrong thing), a desperate need for achievement to make me feel better about myself. These all seem like pretty big things, but I'm hopeful that I will be able to work at them with support.
GP told me to cut back my hours at work to 3 days a week. I was so relieved that he had made the decision for me - I just want someone else to fix all of this for me. I would still love to run away and retreat, I just don't know where to go. GP advised waiting to see if cutting my hours helps me have more energy to fight this illness before thinking about increasing the citalopram (apparently the side effects at 60mg a day can be quite significant). I did talk about homeopathy and he's happy for me to do it, but now I've started looking into it I've found all the other complementary therapies and I'm totally lost. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can justfiy spending the time or money on it at the moment anyway. I know that's not the right way to look at it, but I just don't think I'm important enough.
Am having a non-work day tomorrow and then its the weekend so hopefully by the start of hte week I'll feel more rested.
If anyone can offer any words of hope then please do - I need them.
K
ps veritee - do you really think I'm doing ok? What makes you think that because I don't see it right now.
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Post by cheshire on Feb 9, 2007 19:25:27 GMT
Hi KB
Please don’t give up hope – although I can understand, as I did feel the same. It’s a very up and down road to recovery. Keep going, it really is worth it.
Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 12, 2007 10:51:00 GMT
Thanks hopeful. Am still feeling fairly low. The weekend was ok, I was on my own for a couple of hours on Saturday and yesterday and managed to fight the urge to just mope and feel sorry for myself. S was away at my parents and I found that quite hard - I was worried about her because of how things are with my mum, but she seems to have had a good time.
Not sure how I'm going to look after myself today. I'm working and there seems to be loads to do but I've not really got the energy or the inspiration. I'd go for a walk to give me a break but its raining so maybe it will have to be a cup of coffee and see if that works. I hate how I'm feeling just now and I hate the way I look. What the psychologist said last week about me having low self esteem is so true, but I'm not sure that recognising that is such a good thing - its just made me like myself even less.
Have started to write down the negative thoughts in my CBT log, but even that is a struggle because I don't want to write them down and confront them, I just want them to go away by magic. I 'm not feeling the benefits of cutting my work hours down yet (I know its only been a week), and I'm not sleeping well so I really just want to curl up in a corner for a while.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 13, 2007 12:52:01 GMT
Am on a non-work day today and finding it hard to know what to do - should i be doing anything or not? Took s to nursery this morning and have done some bits and pieces since then. I know I should be looking after myself, but I just don't know how. I can't sit and do nothing, but then if I do stuff I get tired so that's not right either. I'm meeting a friend for coffee this afternoon, which will be good cos I've not seen her in a while. I need to work out what my non-work days are all about and what I can do to make myself get better by using them well.
K
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Post by cheshire on Feb 13, 2007 17:54:39 GMT
Hi K
I have one day a week like this too - although I am supposed to be studying, but am very good at work avoidance. I seem to spend the time washing, ironing etc., but really want to try to do something other than this, so plan to try to make the effort.
If yu have any ideas that work well, please let me know!
Love, Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 14, 2007 11:52:51 GMT
Thanks Hopeful
Am full of the cold so that's slowing me down a bit (which is actually a good thing). Am on my way to London (working in London tomorrow) and too tired to even read. Saw the gp yesterday and he thinks that I'm doing a bit better. I said that I felt a bit calmer and a little more positive that I can do something. Started to read the book on overcoming low self esteem yesterday and its really been an eye opener. Since the psychologist talked to me about it I've found it really hard to see that its really me, but reading the book I started to recognise all the times I put myself down, set myself impossible goals and am much harder on myself than I would be on anyone else. The book uses CBT to improve your self esteem so maybe, if I keep on reading it I will be able to feel better about me.
I'm finding the cbt really difficult because it means writing down exactly what I'm thinking and some of the time I don't want to face up to that at all. Its also admitting that these things are in my head. Oh this is a much longer journey than I ever thought it would be, but hopefully addressing these issues will put me in a better place for the future and mean that i don't get ill again....one step at a time.
K
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Post by winegirl on Feb 15, 2007 20:43:09 GMT
Hi KB
Ho w are you doing? I haven't been around for a while so have just been catching up woth your posts and wanted to say that you are doing AMAZING! My only criticism is you need to learn to relax!! Could you do something lovely on your day off like a pamper treatment? I used to have reflexology and it was fab! The reflexologists would fix parts of my body just by touching my feet and it was soooo relaxing. Hope your day has been ok. Thinking about you
Winegirl x
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 19, 2007 13:21:27 GMT
Thanks Winegirl, that means a lot, it has picked me up to hear you use the word AMAZING, I don't really think that I am, but its good that you do because i'm starting to recognise that the way I see the world isn't always the way it is, particularly when it comes to me and how I'm doing in life. Not sure I have much to write today. Things seem to have gone ok for the last few days. I've still got my cold, but it does at last seem to be getting better. I spent a lot of the weekend looking after s on my own while J got on with jobs around the house. It was really quite scary - I'm just not used to spending time with her now and I doubt myself, like whether I know how to play with her, what to do, will she start crying, will I be able to cope. J said I did well and that S just enjoyed playing with her mummy lots.
You're right that I need to learn to relax, I'm just not sure how! I'm finding it so hard to justify doing nice things for myself (and I know that's my low self esteem talking, but I am finding it hard to fight). I went swimming this morning which was a huge step forward, am trying to go most days this week.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 19, 2007 13:44:32 GMT
feeling tearful now, been reading some of the other posts and its really brought back my own abuse and is making me feel small and alone. I thought i'd dealt with the abuse, but maybe its still causing me pain. why won't it go away? got to go to a meeting, but could really do with a hug. will try some rescue remedy. :-(
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 20, 2007 20:58:57 GMT
(copy of email to my APNI buddy so that my diary is up to date but I don't have to write it all twice!)
Hi
Thank you so much for your card, it was so nice to get something in the post and it was even nicer that it was a cheery card. I’m normally the person who sends cards to friends and family, but rarely get them myself so it was a lovely thought. I was without laptop last week (mine is a work machine and I was getting it upgraded) and I was also having a fairly turbulent time of it and I couldn’t really get stuff out of my head very well which is why I was quiet.
Things seem to be very up and down just now and I am just hoping its cos I’ve got my period (I had avoided having one since before Christmas by taking packs of pills back to back, but decided I couldn’t keep doing that indefinitely). I had a horrible morning first thing, reacted completely irrationally to something J said and it send me completely down, I was all for running away again and felt totally helpless after I’d dropped S at nursery (today was a n on work day). I sat in the car in despair until finally I thought I had to drive somewhere. I went into town and the day did pick up from there. I ended up having a facial (which took a lot of effort to get myself through the door to ask for details, but then they had a cancellation for that very time I was there so I thought it must have been meant to be). It was lovely, so relaxing and peaceful, with nice music and sounds and someone stroking my face while I was all snug under a downie. I felt so safe and my body was all heavy. When it was finished I didn’t want to leave, but I went to see a good friend who has a baby the same age and she seemed genuinely pleased to see me which was nice. I had lunch with her and then came home and did some bits around the house. I think that means I’ve done ok for a non-work day in managing to look after myself even though it started badly, but it just feels a bit like things aren’t very even at the moment, even in one day I can feel so low and then come back out of it. This is what it was like before I started the medication, which helped to even things out, but I’m not stopping it so I don’t know what’s happening. Am seeing the GP on Friday so I’ll see what he says.
I’m struggling so much with this whole issue of self esteem. I’ve managed to write down some of my bad thoughts but I don’t want to write them all down and admit them. I’ve also read some of the book, but reached a kind of barrier where I’m not sure I want to move forward or not, almost like I think its going to be too hard so I might as well stop now kind of thing. I’ve got the other books on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but I haven’t looked at them yet although one of them looks very interesting. Its called ‘Depression The Way Out Of Your Prison’, which is not exactly something that makes you want to sit down and read it to relax. Maybe I just need the support of the psychologist – I’m seeing him next week I think.
I’ve also started to recognise that maybe the abuse in my past is not totally healed and maybe that isn’t helping me either, but I’m very scared of going through all that pain again. I was date-raped 10 years ago by my first boyfriend and had 2 years of counselling once I finally started talking about what had happened. It led to reactive depression and it was a very black time. I thought it was in the past, but some of the thoughts I’ve been having make me think that maybe the experiences after I had Scarlet (I had a bad tear) have brought some of those feelings and emotions (of being out of control, of being weak, of wondering why I didn’t do anything) back again.
I don’t really know if any of this makes sense, but it helps me to get it out of my head and onto ‘paper’. I am convinced I’m boring my friends and family and that they really don’t want to hear all that’s in my mind and I’ve also reached a point where I’ve had enough of talking so it helps to be able to talk without having to say anything.
K
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Post by Jay on Feb 22, 2007 11:30:22 GMT
Hi kb
excuse me writing in your diary, I have only read your last post. I started a diary today, and I looked at yours to see how it works. You so kindly posted when I wrote about my PNI experience in the abuse section-thank you for that. I think I wrote there as it seemed a place to hide. And as you said past problems do not help with PNI. I, like you said, get upset reading peoples posts, I feel I want to help them all. but somehow to know I am not the only person feeling like this helps.
One of the gp's I saw last year sent me away with a list of 4 books-'Books on prescription' all about depression and CBT. Some of them are quite techical and got me totally lost. I hope that your psycologist helps you. I have to go next month to see one--I am a bit scared about this.
Hope you have a better day Lynne x
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Feb 23, 2007 21:25:19 GMT
Had a better day today. Wednesday was ok, I even started thinking about working back to full-time work again; but then yesterday I was really anxious and down again, felt really depressed. Had a long chat with J last night about a lot of the things rushing around my head to do with the abuse, the surgeon trying to fix my tear after I had s; and the fact that I’m completely off sex just now. J understood and is trying to help me through the problems, but I don’t think its going to be a quick one to fix.
Today was actually quite good, although I’m a bit scared to say that in case it makes tomorrow bad. I had a good and productive morning at work, had my first joint counselling appt with mum at lunchtime (which wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I had thought it was going to be – I felt fine about it all; learned some new things and we’re going to keep working with the counsellors, looking at it chronologically and hopefully resolving things as we go). I still don’t want a deep relationship with her but I feel more confident that they will help her to see my perspective and to help her to help herself which is really important too.
I also had a really good heart to heart with a good friend and told her stuff that I should have told her ages ago. It really enlivened me and I’m glad I was able to talk to her.
Saw the gp and he said that its good I felt able to start planning to go back to work full time (am currently doing 3 days a week) but that its too soon and we need to leave it a good few weeks before we starting thinking about it. He basically implied that I need to learn more and prove that I can keep work where it belongs 3 days a week before I attempt any more and I know he is right. I should be thankful that I’m being so well treated by work and that I have this chance to really concentrate on me and getting myself better. I just always want to run before I can walk but I have to remember that I’m still ill and one good day doesn’t mean I’m better.
S is away at my in-laws this weekend and we’re going to work on our bedroom (electrics and plasterboard) which will feel like progress, but I’ve told him I want to spend time relaxing too,, and that includes a lie-in on Sunday cos I’m knackered!
Hopeful steps overall this week – fingers crossed they continue.
K
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