Notnutz' Diary

[notnutz]

I love the idea of this online diary. I have always been the type of person to write things down when I need to sort them out - so this is the perfect space to be doing it in. For those of you who read this, please be aware that not only is it going to be how my jumbled thoughts come out on a dailyish basis - but I want to use it to try and figure out what started this whole thing off.

I only go to the docs tomorrow - so haven't actually been diagnosed with it... if i don't have PNI then I'm afraid I have lost my mind and I am completely Nutz!

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I have read that a traumatic labour / birth is often associated with PNI and everytime I think of my labour I want to cry. My LO was 2 weeks overdue and I was induced at midnight on the sunday night. Two hours later I was in great pain with contractinons and when i went to the bathroom I had a very strange discharge (i later realised that my waters had broken and there was meconium in them).

I spoke to the Midwife on duty and she said not to worry it was just from the gel that the doc had given me and the pain i was feeling was not labour yet. I thought I must be the biggest wimp in the world coz these were damn sore.

At 4am I went back to her and said that i was sure i was in labour (i actually had a contraction whilst speaking to her and completely lost my breath). Again I was told that it was too soon to be in labour and that I would only be examined by the doc at 8am.

All the while i'm wondering up and down the ward in tears and doubling over in pain thinking i'm the biggest wimp in the world and how the hell was i going to survive labour if i'm like this with little contractions.

I was incredibally distressed and getting worse as the night wore on.

At 7am the midwife came and gave me two paracetemol (!!!!) and hooked me up to the monitor... 30 minutes later she came back and her comment was "Oh! your contractions aren't subsiding".... DUH!! this is what i've been saying since 2am. She then decided to phone my husband and allowed me to have gas and air.

My husband was there by 8am and walked in to find me doubled over the bed in pain and in tears. A new midwife came on duty at that stage and explained to my husband that i couldn't be in established labour as the babies heartbeat was regular and it looked like it was asleep. (I don't remember any of this) She then made me lie down on the bed to try and monitor LO's heartbeat properly. She disappeared and I started telling my husband that I had to push... and a few minutes later that I had to poo. (That got their attention all right - and I was taken into a delivery suite). It was now 9am.

When i was examined they discoverd (surprise surprise) that my water had broken, there was meconium in the water and that i was fully dilated. They stopped the gas and air and told me to start pushing.

My son was then born at 12:12... 3 hours later by ventouse delivery(my timing seems to be weird here... coz my notes said i pushed for 4 hours). By the time it came to push him out I was completely exhausted from lack of pain relief and lack of sleep. (By this stage i'd been awake since 7.30 the morning before - and had walked almost the entire day trying to start labour naturally - so i was completely and utterly knackered)

The doc had told me to feel how his head was almost out, but i felt too grossed out by the idea, afterwards i wished i had as i think that might have given me the final stamina to get him out naturally.

When his head came out I was too tired to push again to get his shoulders out... he didn't cry or anything so at this stage my husband thought that he was dead and wasn't quite sure what was going on.

Eventually however, he was born and he was healthy despite the meconium.

I remember at one stage lying with my legs in the stirrups and i had the doctor, a midwife, a trainee midwife and the paedeatrician all watching what was going on and thinking jeez i have no dignity left.

I have been living with the guilt that if i had been more forceful with the midwife, i wouldn't have gone through most of my labour alone, i wouldn't have been so tired and my poor little guy wouldn't have been floating in the meconium for so long... I feel guilt that my labour might have traumatised my husband and that he could have been with me during the build up - not just when everything kicked off... i think it might have been easier for him to deal with.

But from the moment i held him - i have loved the little guy to bits.

[yoyo]

Hope you don't mind me crashing in on your diary - I'm so sorry to hear you had such a terrible birth experience - it can really leave an emotional impact when you feel so out of control can't it?! I hope in time you can come to terms with it and be able to talk about it x x Keep talking and letting things go when you can. I found it was only on this site I could express in words how I felt about things.

Wishing you all the best for the doc appointment tomorrow x x x x You're not nutz - just ill x x x x

[notnutz]

Jnr is alseep at the moment... so i shall continue

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The week after he was born my mom was with us (she lives in SA so it was a real treat having her here). She was a real help with making sure her baby was ok, and getting enough sleep etc. On the Thursday I suddenly started feeling like she was taking over, and when she left on the Saturday that I would not be able to look after my son by myself. So sleep deprived and all I made sure I stayed downstairs the entire day, not letting anyone else look after him. I think i should have seen that as a sign of things to come.

My husband talked some sense into me, and the next day i was fine again.

My mom left that Saturday, and the next week my Husband was off work - so all was going well....

Week 3... My Husband went back to work full time (he works locally). That Friday night he went out for drinks with work and never came home. (A few fone calls and text messages later - he missed the bus, then couldn't get a cab and was staying on the couch of female colleague). Obviously this freaked me out - as it was the first time this had ever happened. I don't think i got much sleep that night.

The next day, he got a txt from one of the ladies that was with him (turns out 3 girls and him stayed over) asking whether he was in trouble and basically making a joke of it. His reply to her was that he was a bad father. "Crap" i thought, "you're fine as a father - you're being a crap husband right now".

That night i had realised that while his life was staying the same, in fact he seemed to be having more fun going out with work etc, mine would never be the same again - and I would always be the one left holding the baby. I really felt irrationally angry - I really needed him to be home supporting me, not out having fun without me.

I was feeling really let down and alone right now... it was as though i should know how to look after our son alone, and my husband could carry on living his life with a few minor adjustments.

The next week i had great difficulty feeding our son. He was bobbing on and off the boob and screaming almost constantly. I tried all sorts of relaxation techniques to try and get my milk to flow more - eventually i was feeding him every hour and half. I was exhausted, he was starving, and i sent a frantic text to my husband asking him to come home for lunch to watch our son for a bit.

To his credit he took the rest of the afternoon off. When he got home i was pacing the lounge with a screaming baby and tears streaming down my face. We agreed that he would give him a bottle of formula and I would go to sleep. This was the first time either of us (son or me) had slept for longer than an hour at a time that week. We then decided that we would feed him formula during the day and breastfeed at night. I tried expressing (without success) and the first night was fine. Night two however, he would not take the breast at all and i had to make up a bottle of formula for him. The same thing happened the next time i tried to feed him - and so gave up breastfeeding overnight.

So now the guilt kicked in that I wasn't able to feed my son myself. I never regretted this decision however, as he started thriving on formula and hasn't looked back since.

That friday night my husband got a text from the same woman saying she was going to the pub up the road to meet a friend, did he want to join her. The change in him was almost instant. I felt that if he could have put son down immediately and left he would have. He left about an hour later to join her.

Strangely (to me - not to anyone else involved it seems) her friend wasn't there when he arrived, she had cancelled at the last minute. Anyway, so he gets home and we both go to bed. I then came downstairs to get a glass of water and heard 2 text messages arrived.

The next morning they had been deleted from his phone.

He says that they were just saying she had walked someone else home and put them to bed - but of course the fact that they had been deleted made them immediately suspicious.

Unfortunately this put her on my radar now... and everytime i thought about her i started to feel sick and my stomach would turn to water.

I think this is when most of my problems really started - as I have now come to fixate on this woman - and she is definately a trigger for me now.

I think at this stage my husband started feeling very depressed because his wife wasn't his wife and his life wasn't his life. He would get home from work and have to deal with a crying baby - but as we sorted out the feeding problem, my husband seemed to be happier.

[notnutz]

I do need to mention at this stage that to anyone reading this I am married to the most wonderful man and we have been together a very long time, and are very happy together. This has made his behaviour (from my perception) seem very weird.

But what i remember happening and what actually happened might be two very different things.

[kl77]

Hi notnutz

Hope you don't mind people joining in your diary! Definately say if you do.

Can't really relate with the labour issue because I had quite a positive birth experience but the relationship changes I can certainly identify with!
Men seem to carry on as before while we have the most life changing thing happening to us. I always asked my husband, and still do, if he is seeing anyone from work or does he wan to! Think it stems from my own insecurities that I am not good company, am always tired, never see to enjoy myself and feel like people would be better off without me.

I think it's really good that you've found a trigger - hang on to it and keep reminding yourself that it is just a trigger.

Good luck and welcome

KL X

[notnutz]

HI KL and YoYo

I have no problem with people reading or leaving comments in my diary. I know that everyone here only wants the best for everyone else, and both of you have already made me feel better - knowing that i'm not the only one.

Hope you both have sunshiney days tomorrow....

bx

[notnutz]

I'm not sure whether the order of events that happened next is correct - but this his how i remember them.

At this stage, i still didn't want to be seen naked by my husband as i was very embarrassed about my body - and neither of has was comfortable with the idea of sex yet post pregnancy and birth.

Because I had stopped breastfeeding, all of my coping hormones dissappeared too, and i was completely exhausted all the time.

It was also about 6 weeks into everything, and everyone had said that from 6 weeks it got easier... i wasn't finding it any easier and thought this made me a bad mother.

I went to visit my old work, and that made me realise just how much my life had changed. I had gone from being someone who used to run meetings and have the respect of their colleagues.... to mum.

It was also around this time that I realised I could log on to my husbands work computer and read his emails... (not something i'm proud of).

I wasn't interested in all his emails, just the ones from this woman, and there were lots of them... they were very flirty emails between them and once again I convinced myself that they were having an affair.

All day that's all i could think of "he's sleeping with her... he's sleeping with her ... he's sleeping with her"

Without wanting to admit that i had been reading his emails, i broached the subject with my husband (not directly relating to her - just a general type topic) and he said that while he would be happy to kiss someone else, he wouldn't ever let anything sexual happen.

The next day again all i could think of was "he's sleeping with her.. he's sleeping with her.. he's sleeping with her"

This has pretty much become the general pattern, I will find something to fixate on about her and that thought just repeats in my head all day, keeps me awake at night and when i do fall asleep enters my dreams.

The following morning I quoted a line from one of his emails to her and demanded to know what it meant. (Needless to say he wasn't very happy about my prying and has since changed his password so i can't access anything).

He tried his best to convince me that they were not having an affair, and during my lucid moments I believe him... however the thought process in my brain is quite another thing. (Although now i've started a word document where i write down all my obsessive thoughts with the hope that once i think it and write it down it will be gone)

That weekend I went back to the gym for the first time - and as i was cycling i suddenly thought "he's going to leave and take our son with him" the next instant i thought "oh he can't i have the car". I didn't realise it at the time, but this was to be the first of many paranoid thoughts about him leaving me.

Things had started looking up between us, and I thought I was doing ok. I thought that tears at 4pm were just part of the baby blues and it was nothing to worry about. I never admitted to my husband that I felt things were slightly out of control.

A week or so later (not sure of exact timing) he went for drinks with work for another friends birthday - and i sent him a text after last orders asking him what time he was coming home - i never got a reply. So I started watching teh buses come past (from our bedroom window you can see them). After that last 4 buses had run and I hadn't seen anyone walking down the aisle to get off I phoned him from the home fone, which he didn't answer. I then switched off my number showing on my moble and called again - this time he did answer. When i asked him where he was he said he was on the last bus.... the last bus had long run and it was completely silent wherever he was. I mentioned that the last bus had run and he said he was walking from the bus stop. 15 mintues later i rang again - where are you.... walking from the bus stop....

When he finally got home (at 1.30) he said he'd walked this female home. Now I know that this is exactly the kind of thing he would do... he wouldn't want a girl walking home alone late at night - but the fact that he lied about it and took so long in coming home made me even more convinced that something was happening between the two of them.

He says they were just talking... so my next thought that kept repeating for days "what do they talk about? what do they talk about? what do they talk about?" (that one is quite a common one - i find myself thinking it often).

I really want to know whether she was still with him when he said he was on the bus, and did she laugh at me? Does she think this is a big joke?

Again I must say that my husband is not a bad person, and he is not having an affair with this woman - he is very caring and supportive of me... i just don't think he has realised how much his actions are affecting me.

By now I was back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and feeling a lot more confident. So I could no longer blame my weight or my lack of excercise for how I was feeling.

The following weekend we went to this ladies house warming and all was fine - seeing them together convinced me they weren't having anything - although it did bug me that everytime he wasn't standing with me she would come up to him. We agreed that he would walk me home (son was with us - so couldn't stay out too late) and he would go back. When he returned and told me the next morning about his evening, a lot of what he was talking about i thought was out of characcer for him. So my next repetition was "i don't know my husband.. i don't know my husband.."

After this party, I did think i was fine with her and that their relationship was just friendship. However my thought pattern kept getting more and more out of control and was keeping me awake at night even more.

But at this stage, I just convinced myself that it was her and not me that was the issue, and if i asked the right questions, i would get an answer that would stop the thoughts...

There was a minor incident where i went into his office so ppl could see our son, and he was taken downstairs into the general office to see everyone... when i went down, of course teh person my husband was with was her. Also normally when we were down there he was ususally down the other end of hte office with our son, this time he hung around her end of hte office while i was talking to everyone else.

Another day I was sitting at home and just felt sick - and htought he's gone to lunch with her. when he got home that night he said that he had.

I went into town the one night to meet a friend and the next day on the computer at home i find a song that had been sent to my husband via messenger (i didn't know at this stage that she was even on his contact list). The lyrics to the song were very sexually explicit and that got me convinced once more that perhaps they were having something sexual. At the very least their topic of conversation must be sexual.

This then got topped off by a 1.30am phone call on Friday night. I found out that my husband had just sent her a few texts (which he has deleted so i have no idea what they were about). It really bugged me that these two people don't seem to be able to go more than 12 hours without communicating - and that said to me that it was like the first flush of a relationship, not a friendship. Friends you speak to once a week or so.... someone you fancy - you speak to more often.

This is the event that tipped me over the edge and made me realise that i had a huge problem. The entire day saturday we spent arguing and i was having a real go at him about her and how their relationship was a sexual conversation.

We had already arranged for a babysitter that night so that we could go out an celebate our anniversary - so off we went to dinner and started off not speaking to eachother, but realised we not going to go out to often so we may as well.. we ended up having a really amazing night (and i'm pleased to say our sex life fully resumed at last). Sunday was also a really nice and relaxed day together.

Until we went to bed.

I then made a comment about them keeping their communication between office hours, which really pissed him off. A huge argument then ensued in which he reminded me that in fact we have an incredibly strong relationship, and that the issue wasn't infidelity or that there was something wrong between us... that a lot of what i was thinking was just assumptions on my part and that my mind was playing tricks on me.

(this is why i say that this entry is from my part, and i'm not sure how much of it is fact)

I then went upstairs and burst into uncontrollable sobs - all the fear that i had been supressing since my son was born bubbled onto the surface and i realised that i was in fact the person pushing him away, and if i continued the way i was going he probably would leave.

He came upstairs and i admitted to him that i do in fact need help.

During the course of htis week, everything has seemed a lot worse, my crying is almost constant -i'm getting more and more afraid to leave the house.

I've realised that the repetetive thoughts are a sign both of how i'm going to sleep and how my day is going to go. On a good day I don't have repetetive thoughts, on an average day I will sing the same song lyric over and over again (not the song, just one line of it) and on a bad day I will have repetetive questions about his woman.

One of my issues is everytime I think about her, I get physically ill and have to go to the bathroom - which means that i'm pretty much constantly there at the moment.

To some people reading this, it might appear that my husband is in fact having an affair (does it read like that?) - let me say again - in my lucid moments each of these incidents does have merit.

He has also taken next week off so that we can spend time as a family without the influence of work.

Unfortunately... my latest thought - what has he said to her about me having PNI - does she think i'm a complete nutter?

I feel so guilty about the way i've been treating him and lashing out at him - it wouldn't suprise me if he did ditch me ... but i know he doesn't want to leave me or his son.

I also feel guilty that what should be an amazing time between us has now been marred by my having to be put onto medication and him having a psycho wife.

They say it's always darkest before the dawn... i sure hope that the sun starts coming up soon

[notnutz]

My husband has just got home and discussed appointment for GP. I really feel like i've let him down being put onto Anti-Ds.... i'm really ruining the joy he should be having at being a dad.

I'm such a crap wife.

[kl77]

Hi notnutz
I know it's hard to believe at the minute cos the bad things tend to be more believable but you are not a crap wife or a crap mum. You have an illness which you are now starting to treat and deal positively with.
Try to remember the good things you do with or for your husband and try not to focus on the other things.
Marriage is thick and thin, good and bad.
If it was the other way around I'm sure you wouldn't have these thoughts about your husband.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you and enjoy your week off
KL X

[notnutz]

Of course what I haven't mentioned are the good days and times.

The day we went into London and had a walk around the parks, soho and covent garden... a pleasant reminder that even with a pram in tow we could do things we had done before. This was the day that mum had her first beer (and got very tipsy) and dad got his first smiles (real huge grins it was wonderful).

The day dad brought home flowers from son and him to say thanks for doing such a wonderful job.

The nights that dad has babysat so mum can go out with her mates and on hen nights.

The days that dad has done the morning feeds so mum can get some extra sleep in.

Dad bathing his son most nights and putting him to bed - watching the two of them makes my heart melt every time.

[sianyc]

Your birth sounds awful!

I think it's hard first time around to really put your foot down with the midwives etc. You feel reliant on them for everything and you don't actually know what labour feels like for you.

Unfortunately a bad birth experience can haunt you for ages afterwards. Having said that, I had a bad birth first time around and no PNI and a fab birth 2nd time and yet PNI. There seems to be no logic to it.

I am terribly jealous of any female work colleagues which G mentions. I can convince myself of an affair from giving a lift home from work. I was nothing like this before as his numerous female friends can probably testify. It helps if they realise they need to be more sensitive to what their actions are doing though.

[notnutz]

What started out as a really good day (after a brilliant day yesterday) has ended really badly. (tears in the bath anyone?)

I am convinced that I make my husband unhappy. I fear that at the end of this he is going to walk away with no respect left for his nutty wife....
bx

[cheshire]

Hi there

I was just wondering how you were?

Hopefulx

[notnutz]

Well this has been a really good week. Hubs has been home and we've been spending some time together as a family.

I'm beginning to get worried now tho as he's off to play golf tomorrow and then he's back at work on Monday and i'm wondering how things will go from there....

Hopefully all will be well.

[kl77]

Hi Notnutz
Hope things have gone well while your hubby has been golfing and nice to hear you've had a good week!
Take care and have a nice weekend
KL x