Rapunzel's Diary

[1rapunzelle]

Background
I have always felt horribly self indulgent having PNI. I have 2 beautiful, healthy, bright, affectionate children now aged 3 1/2 and 2. I had wonderful births, my second being a planned home birth in a pool in my bedroom. He was born into a calm and loving environment, I laboured through the night and was tucked up in my own bed with him by the time his sister woke up to meet him at 7am. She has always been delightful with him and being so young when he was born, cannot remember a life without him so has never been jealous of his arrival. I have a wonderful husband who works hard but is ALWAYS home in time to enjoy bath time with me and the children. He has been a rock through this ghastly time. I have terrific friends and no financial worries. So what right do I have to feel so depressed? What's wrong? What in my life needs changing?...NOTHING So, along with the hideous feelings brought about by PNI I have a great guilt hammer to beat myself about the head with. And the only person telling me to pull myself together is me!

[cheshire]

Hi Rapunzelle.

I hope you don't mind me popping into your diary?

I just wanted to say that your background reads so similarly to mine in lots of ways - I too think - what on earth went wrong?? I too find it hard not to feel guity. I still analyse it alot, but also try not to beat myself up so much(easier said than done, as you probably know).

Anyway, just thoughts - hope you don't mindx
Thinking of you, x

[1rapunzelle]

Thanks Hopeful, it helps to know that it's not just me. That it can strike with no obvious external factors.

[1rapunzelle]

So, where am I now? I have been off meds for 3 months and I am in a strange place, not the deep dark hole of despair or even the numbness of no mans land, just a weird ever changing landscape. I simply don't know if I am better. I have ceased to trust myself and have lost the ability to judge my emotions. People have bad days, was this a genuine bad day or is it bad because I am still ill and unable to cope? When I cry I don't know if I have genuine reason to cry (ie I would have done before PNI) or if I am still ill. I know I am not in the horrible place that I was. I have many very happy days, I laugh aloud with genuine pleasure, I choose to spend time with my children & delight in them, I feel, I love and (praise the lord) am having sex!!! But there are bad days ...but are they PNI?

[1rapunzelle]

Saw a movie at the weekend and a quote from it just seemed to sum up my recovery from PNI;
"I'm not happy....but I'm not unhappy about it."

[1rapunzelle]

Am really hating this sense of not being able to trust my own judgement. All decision making seems beyond me! I work part time (2 days) in a challenging job which I mostly love. However, I decided in a big rush this weekend that what I really needed to do was resign. Was all fired up to resign today having slept easy all weekend, safe in the knowledge that this feels right. Just as I prepared to have the conversation I was overcome with a sense of panic about being able to cope in the role of full time Mum and losing my identity...again.

Am now wondering if what I really want to happen is to stop working for 2 days but still have a nanny for those 2 days so that I can sit quietly and stare at the wall (I'm being flippant but you know what I mean) This is not possible!

To work or not to work. My babies are growing up so quickly, will I regret every hour I spend away from them, or will I appreciate them less if I am at home 24/7? ??

At least the guilt chip is still in place.

[cheshire]

Hi Rapunzel,

I can so identify with what you say here - x

I work in a challenging job, part time also - and I oscillate between love it, hate it, resign, go back full time etc. Nightmare.

However, I think 0.4 just about works at the moment - and I feel more decisive about this as time moves on.

Anyway, just my thoughtsx
Hopefulx

[sianyc]

hey

I have the guilt chip somewhere too. But, I think works does help me appreciate the days off with the girls. I'm not sure I'd enjoy being at home full time

[chica]

Hi Rapunzel,
I cannot advise on whether to give up work or not, as I have not been in that situation.
But I hope you dont mind me butting in on your diary, it was just reading that you cannot make any decisions, I can so relate to that. No kidding, when I had just had the twins, my husband and I were trying to decide what was the right thing to do, (do we move abroad or do we stay) and no joking apart, I was in such a fog, I told him to flip a coin. So we did and let fate take a hand. I would not really recommend this route, it was I just so related to what you said.
Hope you are having a good day today

Chica