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Post by sianyc on Oct 1, 2006 19:21:53 GMT
Hey Chica
Miss you. Come back and scream - it's what we're all here for x
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Post by chica on Oct 2, 2006 9:22:29 GMT
Hi Guys, First of all let me say a very big thank you to you all, knowing you are out there for me helps me so much. I really do not know how to start or where to begin, so much seemed to happen last week it was absolute cr*p with a capital C. So I will apologise in advance to anyone reading this if it starts to not make any sense. It feels like I have just survived an avalanche, every avalanche starts off with a tiny ball of snow which just keeps getting added to and added to until it just loses control and gains speed. It is difficult to say which piece of straw broke this particular camels back, but it sure gave me the hump! (My god a glimmer of my sense of humour, I must be feeling calmer). I guess, I will try and cover the big bits of straw... I still have not been able to get all of the childrens school books, and now the headmistress is asking for them, I went to the blooming shop every day last week, to be met with shrugging shoulders....I now have one complete set, but am still missing 7 more, my little boy has even called me a stupid mummy for not being able to get them all, I now have a big argument brewing as to who gets the complete set. How can you order on the same day the same books from the same shop for 2 children and only get enough books in for one. So you have guessed it the twins are now arguing over who gets the full set. I got daddy to do the school drop off this morning, I told him to just hand the books over to the headmistress and then let her deal with the fights and screaming that will happen. Let her deal with it, and then I wont be the big bad meany mummy that they think I am. The next big straw, was my step son returning back to England, the twins are in bits, he was meant to be over here for a month to 6 weeks, but unfortunately the love sick puppy managed to stay for 10 days, he just had to get back home, which I cannot blame him for, but unfortunately he cannot handle saying goodbye to the little ones, so on the morning of his departure, he did not even get out of bed to see them off to school, in a way I do not blame him as the tears that were flowing the night before was enough to break anyones heart, including mine. He promised them the night before he left that he would ring them as soon as he got back to England, which you have guessed it he never did....Yet again he has disappeared off the face of the earth, he is not answering his emails or mobile, so yet again we are left with a big void, try explaining to little children that the minute he stepped off the plane and into the arms of his girlfriend, other priorities take over ( like sha**ing for England) the next thing I am worried about is that he has promised them that he will return with his girlfriend for their birthday (25th of October). My litttle girl has been promised a big soft fluffy teddy and she already thinks it has been bought. I have a heavy heart, because I am sure that this is not going to happen, and that yet again I will be left to pick up the pieces. The next piece of big straw is my family,...going back a long time now, when we were weighing up the pros and cons of moving over here, one of the contributing factors was that my mum and sister were telling me that they would be just living down the road and that they would be on hand to help me as much as they could, bearing in mind that I suffer from chronic arthritis, any help that is offered was like a god send, I had promises of time off, help with looking after them and also the odd evening out with hubby, which sounded like heaven, as when we eventually moved over here the children were just over a year old and we had not managed to go out as a couple once in all that time... well you've guessed it, that has not seemed to have materialised either... other things now take priority and my parents seem to be forever tied up looking after my niece as my sister has got a full time job and she assumes and takes for granted that all her child care problems are taken care of... what about mine and the promises that they made to me??? In the 3 month school holidays, I did all the running around to see them and even had my niece staying with me so it would give my mum a break. It was always me who also had to drive down to where they live and take her back... god forbid my sister would put herself out. In all the time I have lived here the twins have never ever had a sleep over at my parents house, and have only ever stayed with my sister twice and that was because my little boy is a very persistent little thing and just kept begging her to let them stay... I have also lost track of how many times, I find out that my mum and sister have gone on a shopping trip together, whether it is to a local market or one of the new shopping centres that are beginning to open up over here, I never seem to be invited. This has made my hubby absolutely furious, and he has even spoken to my parents about it, saying for God sake, just let me know when you are going and that he would look after the children so that I could have a days retail therapy... I forever make excuses for them, trying to swallow the pain and rejection, saying things like, well my sister just lives 10 minutes away whereas I live about half an hour away driving in the opposite direction to them and all the shops that they go to. So imagine my joy at the beginning of last week, to read in the paper that a new shopping centre, has just opened up about 20 minutes from me (in my direction at last), Not only is it a new shopping centre but apparently it also has the first ever, opened up, PRIMARK, one of the things you get to miss over here are simple things like that, how sad is my life, all us English mums over here have all said that one of the things that we miss over here are the shops like Argos, Woollies, Primark, Matalan... to name a few, especially when you have youngsters you cannot beat them.The clothes look smart but do not cost you a fortune so it does not matter how dirty or stained they get. Anyway I digress, it was all arranged that we would all have a shopping trip out together, mum and me were going to go on our own one afternoon last week, but for one reason or another that did not happen and so it was decided that we would all wait and go together on Saturday, well that was the plan.....on Friday I went up to mums, my sister came flying in on her lunch break full of the ache, It had been arranged that she was going to get her little girl a new bed and that she wanted rid of her old one, she offered it to a lady I know down here who is literally having to start from scratch and has nothing, well my sister had said that there was not hurry or panic as she had not been out to buy a new one yet. Well on Friday I now find out that there is a panic and that it was already arranged that mum and her were to go out on Saturday to choose a new bed, and when could I get Annie down here so that she could pick up the old bed. Just because she had got a tax rebate everything was mad dash time. So I said that it could not be done till Monday afternoon as the lady works every day and she only has monday afternoon off. Did not seem to go down to well, but crikey one minute there is no panic and then the next minute there is and she wants us all to run around for her again. I then say but I thought there was no hurry and werent we meant to be going to the new shopping centre, her reply was well, me and mum are going bed shopping in the morning, when we get finished I will ring you, and we could maybe meet you there.... I lost the plot a bit, I bit my tongue I did not shout I kept calm (well sort of). This place is supposedly just down the road from me and yet a woman my sister works with has given her directions from where she lives, so yet again I feel pushed out. I did not want to drive there on my own as I did not want to go down a stretch of motorway that I did not know and just in case we got lost or broke down (I am not very confident). I left mums very quickly bundling the kids in the car, mum kind of looked at me apologetically but to me the damage was done. I had imagined a nice day out, them having to come down to my house for a change and then finding the shopping centre and generally having a girlie day out. Maybe I over reacted I dont know but I was so angry that yet again I was getting pushed out. I cam home near to tears, hubby was home and I told him all about it, I was so upset he told me to say b***ocks to them, I will take you myself!!!! He never wants to go shopping so I must have been upset. He was all fired up to ring them up and tell them where to get off and that for once can you put your other daughter first, but I managed to calm him down. So that about takes me up to my last message. As I say looking back nothing really happened that was a life shattering or altering experience I guess it was just too many emotions and things happening in one week. Maybe if I had not had such a bad week, I would not have reacted the way I did, but I was just drowning.. Well now on to Saturday.... I decided that even if they rang me when they were ready, that there was no way that I was going to go. I did just not want to head off on my own down the motorway, to meet up at a place that apparently has three car parks for a kick off, never mind then having to find my way around to where they would be waiting, so sod them. I think it is called cutting your own nose off to spite your face. I went off into town to see if anymore books for the kids had come in, (they hadn't). I then came home and got stuck into the kitchen with the kids, we made jellies and cakes and generally made a mess. Eventually the phone went around 2.30 saying that they were ready to leave, and I said sorry I wont be there!!! Stuck by my guns, God it felt good. I did not worry about what they would say, or the after effects, I was quite proud of myself. Any way God was good that day, an hour and forty five minutes later my mobile went and it was mum, they were still driving around completely lost and could not find the place!!!!! Boy did I laugh, thank God I had not gone there on my own, I would have been having a panic attack waiting for them. Cutting a long story short, they gave up. Why my sister did not drive to my house and leave from here, where it is apparently just 20mins away I will never know but I feel slightly happy (arent I wicked) that they never got there, and I have now made arrangements to go with a lady I know down here, she has been there already, knows the way and we are going to go on Thursday morning. ;D Sunday.... the phone went at 4.30am sunday morning and it is the long awaited phone call that I have been dreading, my Nan died, (well actually she is not my nan, but my ex fiances nan) but nevertheless she has been the only nan that I have ever really known as my true grandparents died when I was young. She was a wonderful lady and even though I obviously no longer saw her every week like I used to, she will leave such a big void. She has been very ill with cancer and we all knew that the time was near, I am only grateful that last week, just before they placed the syringe driver of morphine in, I managed to talk to her for one last time, I will always be truly grateful for that, we said all of the things that we wanted to say, we laughed, we cried, we said our goodbyes. She is now in a far better place and I know that she will be together again with Grandad. (He died 3 years ago) It gives me great comfort to think that they are together again. Monday.... the mad school days are here with us again, today the kids start to have to go back to school twice.. the hours are 9-12.30 then we have a 3 hour break and they have to return at 3.30-5pm so as you can imagine I will spend the whole of my days during the week, clock watching and it is an absolute nightmare. I also this morning have terrible stomach cramps, (how can I have period pains when I have no uterus)?? But its true I do, apparently so I have discovered it is quite common that after a hysterectomy that this can still happen. Maybe this will explain my not being able to cope so well these last few days. I have had PMT without knowing it. Anyway enough of my rambling, to anyone out there reading this, I am sorry it has been so long winded, it certainly has helped get a lot of things of my chest, who knows today could be a better day, think positive I tell myself. Thank you for listening. Hope you are all ok out there, Chica
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Post by chica on Oct 2, 2006 14:26:41 GMT
So far so good, I have managed to get all the washing that was in the basket done, picked up the kids at 12.30 then dashed up to my sisters for the bed removal palalver, we were all sweating our whatsits off, even though it is October we were collapsing beds in 31 degrees, just about managed to rush the kids back to school for 3.30, now I should be getting the dinner preperations under way, but what the hell, I think after the time that I have had just lately, that I deserve to sit down with a cup of tea and chat with you guys. Hope everyone is ok today, I feel a little more positive, but I find that my moods keep coming in waves, one minute I seem to be ok and managing and then in a split second, I feel like curling up in a ball and crying again, I guess I have just got to go with the flow and try not to question it all again. That only makes the guilt trips worse. Any way enough natter, time is moving on and I have to get ready to go and pick the kids up again at 5pm. I wonder what sort of mood they will be in, they will be exhausted and quiet or exhausted and argumentative, I know which one I am hoping for. Chica
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Post by chica on Oct 3, 2006 12:44:18 GMT
My day today, started off at 5.30am I was awoken with screams and crying coming from the twins bedroom, I rushed out of bed imagining all sort of things (hubby of course hears nothing and is still snoring)!! I ran into the bedroom to discover that their light was on and they were of all things fighting... GOOD MORNING, I was not impressed, I told them that it was the middle of the night for goodness sake and that they were to get back into bed this instant... I did not want to know what they were fighting over or even what they were both doing awake at that time in the morning, I banged their door shut and stomped off back to bed. All went quiet from their room thank goodness, but by that time I was wide awake adrenalin and heart pumping. So I spent what seemed like the next couple of hours tossing and turning and trying to get back to sleep. Not a good start to the day . I seem to have no motivation or energy today, but I guess some would say that is not surprising. I have all the housework etc piling up and I am just looking at the pile getting bigger and bigger. I went to pick the kids up at 12.30 to find my little girl in tears, she had ripped her shorts and everyone was laughing at her, including her brother, so now she hates him even more than she did this morning... My little boy was begging and pleading that I let them go to a friends house, but of course I had to say no, because of little girls shorts having a dirty great hole in, so yet again I am the biggest meanest mum in the world!!! Fancy me not always having a spare set of clothes in the car!!! I have just found out that tomorrow there is no school due to a local fiesta, and next week also because of fiestas they will only be in school on Wednesday and Friday, is it worth all the agravation I ask myself. Enough for now, if I do not get the dinner preperations underway it will be jam butties for tea. Does anyone else out there get absolutely sick and tired of cooking all the time. My hubby is one of those men who cant cook, wont cook etc., I should call him cave man ;D
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Post by chica on Oct 3, 2006 20:16:06 GMT
Things didnt really improve much, when I picked the kids up again it was bicker bicker and fight fight. Not sure how much more of this behaviour I can take. My little girl says she hates being a twin as she never gets to be on her own and that she always has to share things... maybe she has a point. So tomorrow somehow or the other I am going to have to try and find a way of giving her time and him time. As if things were not difficult enough. I will have to ban each other from each others presence (somehow). If anyone has any ideas or suggestions please do not hesitate to let me know them. I am a mum of twins at the end of her tether here. How do you juggle the two of them together all the time. Anyway enough again for now. I am bushed, physically and emotionally. Lets hope tomorrow holds a better day for all of us.
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Post by sianyc on Oct 4, 2006 9:28:47 GMT
Just caught up on your last few days/weeks
Does the PNI affect the way you deal with your mum and sister? I feel like I can't ask for help and if they arrange anything for the days I'm not in work and it doesn't include me then I get really upset. It doesn't even have to be together - it's just the fact that I know someone else isn't in work and I resent having to look after the kids myself when there is company for me in another house.
As for the bickering - kids going cheap on E-bay? ;D Sorry- mine are still little and therefore restricted in how they can argue. This is usually resolved by Caitlin putting things out of Rhianna's reach and then Rhianna screaming. Hope it gets better and have fun shopping tomorrow he he he he he he he he he
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Post by chica on Oct 7, 2006 8:43:05 GMT
Latest update.... On Thursday I shopped till I dropped ;D. It was a lovely day, as you know I ended up going with a friend that I have recently made, she is good for me and I thank God that at last I feel like that I have made a friend out here. We had a girlie day out and it was fantastic, I honestly cannot remember feeling so free of the children without feeling guilt ridden. Her mum even ended up offering to pick them up from school for us at 12.30 and take them back for 3.30 so there was no mad rush and clock watching all day. I ended up coming back with a load of clothes for the kids, which I hasten to add they desperately needed as they are growing so quickly. And thanks to good old english Primark it did not cost me a fortune. I even treated myself to a slinky nightie, mind you not sure when I will wear it, but it was only 5 euro which I think works out at about 3pound 50. Of course I just had to ring my mum and sister to tell them how fantastic the place was . Mind you yet again I found them both together, my sister took 2 days holiday off and mum and her were painting my nieces bedroom. Let them get on with it..... Thinking about it Siany, you asked has PNI affected how I get on with them, I honestly do not know. My mum knows all about it, so I guess my sister does too, but I have never spoken to my sister about it... she never shows emotions at the best of times, and always brushes things under the carpet or builds dirty great big walls around her as a defence mechanism, so trying to talk to her would just be a waste of time as I know without a shadow of a doubt her reaction would not be one of support but one of derision, as in pull yourself together etc., But all my life I have always found it impossible to ask for help, some people I guess would call me stubborn, I am the type of person that just needs someone to come along and take control and say right you need help.. let me do this for you... does that make sense. I have often ended up in tears over the years struggling to do something especially when I was confined to my wheelchair, hubby would say but why did you not ask me to help you, my reaction was always I cant... I guess in one sense it did me a favour me being so stubborn as I am now out of the wheelchair and walking whereas I was told that it was very unlikely that, that could happen. Mind you I wish I had my wheelchair when I was doing all that shopping, I was in agony and exhausted, but I will recover and it was such good fun, I know what retail therapy means now, dont get me wrong I am not loaded with money, but I spent a fortune window shopping! Yesterday it was back to the usual routine of kids, house, cooking and shopping for groceries, mind you it was very strange last night. I was so calm, I honestly do not know why but even hubby noticed. He kept asking me if everything was ok, I kept saying yes, and he kept asking are you sure that nothing has happened today.... he was convinced something must have, but nothing had, and I had to agree with him, it was really strange, I was so layed back and chilled, not quite sure what brought it on, but I wish that the feeling would stay with me... who knows is it a glimmer of a new me around the corner. I have not taken the meds that were making me feel so sick for a few days, maybe that has something to do with it. I kow I shouldn't have but I thought that if I had a break for a week the symptoms might not be so bad when I start them again. Hope that makes sense, as I honestly feel that the side effects are getting worse the longer I am taking them, so I thought a little gap might make things better. Watch this space. This morning did not start to well, little boy wet the bed again, but again although I was disappointed there is no way that he would know, I just got on with stripping the bed and still feeling quite calm. Lets hope that this feeling stays with me. Anyway enough for now, I have to go and sort the washing out, andthere is a rumour that my mum and sister will be coming down here later today, so that they too can find the way to the new shopping centre, again watch this space.. Lets hope that today is a good day for us all.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 8, 2006 19:08:38 GMT
Hi Chica Glad you had a fantastic girlie shop. I had one today with my daughter....she's only just 6, but knows how to have a good time! Hope tomorrow is ok for you. Hopefulxxx
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Post by chica on Oct 10, 2006 8:34:44 GMT
I am sitting here crying at the moment, cant seem to stop, I know I have to, the kids are up and about and they really should not see me like this, as hubby went off to work this morning, I grabbed his hand and said I dont want you to go, I need you here, but of course he had to go, as he was off to work, but I just wanted him to hold me, to take care of me and make me strong again like he always used to. Its my nans funeral today, and I just could not go back to England for the funeral as the kids are off school over here at the minute and it just was not possible, (no offers of help yet again in my mums direction). I know she was not my true blood nan, but she was the only nan I ever really had as my grandparents all died when I was young, so she and her husband who died 3 years ago replaced them, we just all clicked and it was like we had always known each other. I know she was very sick, and when I was last able to speak to her, we said all the things that we wanted to say, she even said to me that I was and always would be one of her children, I know that she is now in a far better place and she will be reunited with grandad, but it hurts like hell. We said our goodbyes and now I have to live with the void that she has left. The funeral is at 12.15 and I just want to be quiet and still and think of her, but I have two very noisy and naughty children around and the chances of that are pretty slim, she would not want me to cry and she would certainly say, your children are more important than me, be with them, but I dont want to be, I want to be with her, in more ways than one. Sorry about the above, to anyone who is reading this, but I guess its better out than in. Right now my emotions and nerves are in tatters, when will all this misery end? I suppose today at least I have a good excuse for the tears, but what about tomorrow and the day after and the day after that..... Enough for now, I will go and put my magic mask back on my face, and go and discover what the ¨herberts¨as I call them are up to.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 10, 2006 21:08:23 GMT
Hi Chica
I was wondering how you were? I'm so sorry to hear it was your Nan's funeral today - how are you bearing up this evening?
Been thinking of youx Hopefulx
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Post by sianyc on Oct 11, 2006 7:18:03 GMT
hey chica
How are you today?
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Post by chica on Oct 11, 2006 7:30:36 GMT
Hi there, Not too good today, I seem to be loosing the plot a bit again, the kids drove me nuts last night, I ended up shouting and screaming at them, then burst into tears, if they could only do as they were told, things would certainly be a lot easier around here.. I sometimes feel like I am just talking to a brick wall all the time, its in one ear and out of the other within seconds. And as for this morning neither of them could get there socks on so I was helping the little girl first and as I was pushing the sock on she was pushing with her foot and dont quite know how it happened but her foot ended up colliding with my throat and neck, I managed to walk away and not shout but it wasn't easy. Then on checking little boys school bag I have discovered that over the last few days off school he has been in his school bag and lost, his scissors, pencil sharpener, glue stick etc., so I was running around looking for all them as well, he did not give two figs, I guess he thinks that I will just replace them, but I damn well wont. So now I am sitting here feeling like a bad and mean person, who I can honestly say right now does not like or love her children one little bit. Apart from all that, I am doing ok, still feeling terrible sickness with the meds, not sure what to do. Cant live with them, cant live without them... Anyway enough of the rambling I have to go and clean up the breakfast war zone. Thanks guys for being here for me. Chica
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Post by chica on Oct 11, 2006 7:53:31 GMT
Well I went off and tried to sort out the war zone of breakfast time, and the feeling sick with the meds has been getting worse and worse, but for the first time ever, I ended up throwing up all over the place...shaking like a leaf now...cant go on like this, I am going to have to try and go back to the private clinic and hope I manage to see someone who speaks English, this is turning into a bloody nightmare. Just when I thought I was getting to grips with PNI and the meds. Maybe its my bodies way of telling me I have had enough of them, I have been on them for 7 months now, but I still feel that I need something, as I am just not coping to well. Or could it now be the meds not making me cope to well? God I dont know, but I certainly do not want another episode like this in a hurry. Talking to God on the big white telephone (if you get my meaning) is not my idea of fun.
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Post by chica on Oct 11, 2006 10:02:19 GMT
Mum and dad rang up this morning just after I had finished being sick, they said I sounded funny was I alright? I told them what had just happened, and my mum remembered an advert she had seen for a different private clinic, slightly nearer to me. She did no more than ring them and made an appointment for me for Friday, (they apologised they could not do today) and tomorrow is a National Bank Holiday... so watch this space, apparently the doctor speaks very good English. Not sure how much this is going to cost me, but one thing is for sure I cannot go on like this. So watch this space.
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Post by sianyc on Oct 11, 2006 11:10:27 GMT
Hey, God I hate throwing up! I bought Bach's rescue remedy the other day for when you feel like you're about to lose the plot. Worked at least twice today so you might want to give it a go. If it can stop me screaming and having my own little tantrum then it must be good
Have you asked your mum for some help with the kids? I know that I hide how bad I feel, especially from my mother cos I don't want her to worry about me. As I can seem perfectly well to her, she tends not to offer much help and assumes I'm better already. It's only that my sister told her how I really was that she has been calling to check on me and offering a bit more help (not much more it has to be said but I still don't ask and she doesn't like to force the issue)
Take care lovely - hope the day improves x
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