shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Sept 21, 2006 20:01:24 GMT
Never done this before but hoping this may help me Had PNI since my son was born (and he is going to be 2 in nov). Increased my meds twice and now changing them cos they are not working. Counselling hasnt helped and about to try some kind of therapy next month. Having such a bad day (well bad few weeks). Really needed to see my HV or EYP today as i rang yesterday asking them to come and see me and no-one came. I feel like giving up trying to get better cos everytime i do get better something else happens and i take a dive and i cant cope with it anymore. When i ask for help no-one comes. Feel like i am a nobody at moment and everyone is letting me down. Feel like giving up with the anti-ds and being miserable forever more until i can get the energy to help myself. Why did I ever decide to have a baby. Just been endless misery. I am now a single mum and so fed up with it all. I want to say i will be better tomorrow but i know that wont happen.
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Post by cheshire on Sept 21, 2006 20:04:51 GMT
Hi Shell79
I hope you don't mind me replying to your diary? Just to say welcome to the site - everyone is very supportive here
Love an dhugs Hopefulx
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Sept 22, 2006 8:37:38 GMT
So tired and snappy today. Took ages to get jack to sleep and then he constantly woke up all night. Thought it was time to play at 3.30 in the morning and wouldnt go back to sleep.Kept ending up in my bed but after putting him back in his own bed and finally getting back to sleep he ended up sneaking in my bed again. Got urge to cry again today and feel like today is going to be another bad day. Wonder if anybody bothers to take notice of me today. Wish someone would take jack away for a few days.
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 22, 2006 19:16:46 GMT
Hi Shell
Welcome to the site, it's been a lifeline for me over the last month.
Sorry things aren't going too well at the moment, hope things pick up soon x
You must be shattered being up so much through the night? Trouble is things seem so much worse when you're tired. I hope you're day improved.
Take care KL X
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Sept 23, 2006 11:31:26 GMT
finally had visit from hv yesterdaySaid i wanted someone to take jack away as cant cope with him at moment. They spoke to my ex and told him he had to have jack til monday. Cant believe they were here for about an hour and half. They also got in touch with the crisis team and they spoke to me and are coming out on monday. Staying at my friends house over the weekend as that way i am not on my own and i wont want to harm myself either then as that is big issue at moment. Still feel like this is never going to get better but sarah from crisis team thinks its just because i am changing meds and had do decrease one before taking a new one so thats probably not helped. Feel so sorry for jack as cant get out the house with him and even though i have the whole day with him i cant even bring myself to do anything with him so he is left to occupy himself. So sad for my little boy. He deserves tlo be with someone better than me. Didnt even have a cuppa til about half four as had no milk and couldnt go to shop so friend brought some round.
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 23, 2006 19:49:03 GMT
Hi Shell
Glad things are moving for you and you're finally getting some support.
Please try and remember that Jack deserves to be with his mummy who loves him very much but is ill at the minute but is going to get better x
Take care and try and get some rest over the weekend
KL X
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Sept 24, 2006 10:50:08 GMT
stopped at my friends for last two nights which was ok but now back home and keep thinking that i am at docs tomorrow and get jack back tomorrow and dreading them both (especially the latter).
So worried about getting jack back as i dont know what to do with him and will just end up leaving him to play whilst i sit and be lazy and miserable. But although i dont want him at moment i know that i have to get him back otherwise he may be taken away forever and dont think that would be good.
God i long for bedtime when i can curl up under the covers and not deal with anyone.
Just want to say quick thanks to you lovely ladies who have put in a message.
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 24, 2006 19:50:26 GMT
Hi Shell
Good luck for tomorrow, thinking of you.
I understand the appeal of bedtime - I used to see it as escapism and also hoped that I would wake up to a better day. The first thing the doctor advised was to make myself stay up after I had put the little man to bed.
Take care, one step at a time KL X
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Sept 25, 2006 11:28:02 GMT
oh my god - self harmed for the first time last night. Went to bed and kept telling myself i dont want jack back and that i dont like him so everytime i was horrible about him i scratched my arms and legs til they bled. Cant believe it didnt hurt to do it but i had to do it and it hurts like hell now. Doctor has upped my meds and lady from crisis team just been. Trying to get me to go out with jack . Said i would try but not feeling hopeful. Do they really understand how i feel when i have to go out of the house. Didnt want to get out of the bed this morning. Wondering how i will get through the day. Wondering how i am going to cope with jack. Poor little boy - deserves a better mummy than me. Maybe tomorrow will be better
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 26, 2006 19:47:47 GMT
Hi Shell
Just wondered if today has been any better.
Thinking of you x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Sept 26, 2006 22:29:52 GMT
Hi KL
Its so nice to come on here and find someone replying to me and thinking of me. Its a very nice feeling amidst this doom and gloom. Today has been another crap day but hv came to see me this afternoon and feel better after talking to her. Also had friend come to take jack to storysacks this morning to give me some space and found that so lovely the fact that she cared enough to do that. Although do feel very guilty coz she got upset over me at the group as she is hating seeing me suffer like this and just wants her friend back. Times like this when you find your true friends. College tomorrow so jack at nursery and another day without worrying about what to do with him. Feel like i am constantly trying to avoid him but its probably better for him at the moment until i can get better.
How has your day been. Hope you are doing ok.
Shell
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Oct 2, 2006 8:21:33 GMT
Hi Shell
Noticed you haven't been on for a few days, just hoping your doing OK x
Take care, things will get better, there'll be a time when you don't even think about what to do with Jack, when it all comes 'naturally'. You might even find you snatch a few minutes of this now on your better days x
How did college go? What are you studying?
It's so nice to have supportive friends, try not to feel guilty I'm sure there have been times and will be in the future when you give her the support and understanding she's showing you.
I remember finally telling my best friend of 18 years, it took some doing and she is one of the very few people who know. She actually said to me that the weirdest thing was it was always me doing the suppporting and always me who was the strong one sorting her problems out! Suppose it gives her chance to give something back?
Sorry for wittering in your diary, just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that I'm thinking of you x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 2, 2006 14:08:22 GMT
Hi KL
Starting to feel better and more motivated to do things. Went out this morning for the first time in ages and even though i found it hard it was great to know i finally got out with jack. Had a couple of good days at the weekend and just hoping its going to continue. Although really needed to get rid of jack at weekend as had so much to do but his dad didnt want him so was stuck with him but he has just gone to stay with grandma today til tomorrow afternoon. Dont laugh but i am studying childcare at college (bit ironic i cant cope and dont want my own child but want to be with other peoples). Its what i have wanted to do for years and finally doing it now. Been few setbacks but hopefully will get sorted out. Hope you hare having a good day. Take care
Shell
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Post by monica on Oct 2, 2006 15:42:15 GMT
Hi
Just been reading your last posts. So glad you're feeling a bit better. Please try and remember this is a illness and that's what affected you. Your son loves you and needs you. You will get better and things that now seem simpossible and diffiuclt will get easier.
This illness is so cruel but you will get there. So pleased you've got support around you.
Well done on doing you course. Hope it provides a distraction from PNI. You shoudl be really proud of yourself.
Monica
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Oct 3, 2006 20:07:07 GMT
Well done on going out, it's a big step, you should be proud x
I think it's fantastic that you're studying childcare, must be hard work though when you're on your own with Jack too. It must feel lovely buildong a good future for you both.
Did you enjoy the break yesterday?
Take care, lovely to hear from you xx
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