kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 16, 2006 8:08:13 GMT
Hi Honey
How was yesterday, did the in laws manage a bit more tact?
Thinking of you, take care
KL XXXXXXXXX
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Nov 17, 2006 11:29:05 GMT
Hi all
Finally had a good day yesterday. Had jack all day and he stayed with me overnight and we were fine. Hope this lasts. Although when i saw my cpn she said to still expect bad days which is still in the back of my mind but surely cant ever be as bad as last weekend. Not seen or heard from in-laws since tuesday but ex-hubby been talking to his sister and they are all still being funny about all this. I know that they have just got to the point where they dont know what to say or do but that doesnt help me at all when they lash out at me. I know i still have a long way to go til i feel better but really hope this lasts. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it is still miles away. Its there. Big hugs to you all for keeping on reading my diary and posting your messages. I do appreciate them even if i dont show it.
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Post by winegirl on Nov 17, 2006 12:38:43 GMT
Hi Shell
I am really pleased that you had a good day and night with jack. Sorry you are having problems with your in laws. I have something similar going on with my sister in law and my attitude is sod her. If she can't be kind and pleasent with me and stop advising me what to do with my baby then she can just clear right off!
Glad you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember on those darker days that it is only temporary and you will get there!
Take care
Winegirlx
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 19, 2006 8:26:26 GMT
Hi Shell
I'm so glad that Friday was a good day for you and Jack and that you've written about it so that if you have a bad day you have something to look back on.
Hope your weekend is going well
Take care honey
KL X
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Nov 22, 2006 20:07:59 GMT
just starting to wonder if thoses couple of good days i actually had were a dream as now i am back on a low again and cant help cutting myself. This is so never ending its cruel to have good days when it never seems to last. Really finding it hard to stop having thoughts of ending it all. I keep planning it in my head what i am going to do and what i will write down for others and when i am going to do it. its getting too scary that it could actually happen for real. But then is that a bad thing??? Probably be for the best anyway. Still got jack with me as i cant face speaking to in-laws and getting another lecture so i have to pretend that i am fine and coping with jack but i really could do with a break from him. Why are we on this sad planet. Im sure noone will miss my sad pathetic self. why cant i stop thinking these bad thoughts. God i so long for sleep when i can forget myself in my dreams
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 22, 2006 20:41:32 GMT
Hi Shell Hope you don't mind, sent you a pm x
The good days will start to get more frequent, you're doing so well even if it doesn't feel like it.
You're not pathetic and you would be missed. Jack loves his mummy unconditionally x
Inside this horrible, debilitating illness is still beautiful and confident Shell and all I can do is promise that everyone else can see her and you will see her again xxx
I don't know what else to say because I know you've said before that being told it's and illness etc makes you cross.
Hang in there honey
Take care
Lots of love, thinking of you
KL x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Dec 14, 2006 22:13:31 GMT
self harming is controlling life now. Just cut across my horrid c section scar. cant bear the thought of how my son came into the world any longer so maybe damaging it will make me remember what i have done to myself and forget about the real reason behind the scar. Why did i have my son. Its been a bad move since day one. I shouldnt have any kids. I dont deserve them and my son needs a better mummy than me
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Post by cheshire on Dec 14, 2006 22:28:57 GMT
Hi Shell I am a recovering self harmer (onl ever since children) , and know how it can become as controlling as any addiction - & worse. Do you have anyone you can call just now? I'm only asking as, from experience, I found this helped to bring me 'back'..'. Plse. let us know you're ok at some time, if you can. We are here for you. You're welcome to PM me too, any time
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Post by Veritee on Dec 14, 2006 23:08:04 GMT
Hi Shell Are you Ok - please say if you are not? I do not self harm ( at least not directly by cutting ) but I understating it as much as someone can from the outside as I have had many friends who do or have ...... Sometimes self harm is all you have as a way of getting through. It is not a very effective way as it can cause you to feel other negative stuff about yourself, but it can sometimes work for now . So please do not be so angry with yourself for using it . Its OK - you self harmed today - but there is alway tomorrow This does not make you a bad person and it certainly does not make you a bad mummy. Tomorrow is always another day and with this illness it is one day at a time, always. I do not self harm but I do drink to much at times and I have done many other things just to get by - we all have our own way of coping when we have PNI, but this does not make us bad people . Please do not be so down on yourself . I know you are a lovely person I can see that from your posts and a loving mum too. I used to say exactly what you say but about my daughter as you do said about your son But I know that this is not so - I am my daughters best mummy becasue I am her mummy and we have a link that can not be broken and we have been through a lot together and shared a lot too. I can say this with confidence as my daughter is now 17 so she can now tell me how she feels. We certainly do have our bad times - she is a teenager, I am a meopausal woman and I had PNI when she was born which was the pits - but I know I was/am not a bad mum and neither are you. Please take a deep breath and tell yourself you are doing your best in difficult circumstances. If you feel you need extra help right now please call someone you trust or NHS direct ( I can not know from a text message how badly you have harmed yourself so i have to let you make the judgment about whether you need outside help) But if you do not need medical or other help ..... Please now do something for yourself that you like that will help you feel better about yourself - any small thing............. a cup of tea or hot choc or a glass of wine, burn a sented candle or watch your favorite DVD, or a nice shower or a bath with lovely smellies ..... and tell yourself you are OK Because you are VeriteeXX
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Dec 15, 2006 8:01:27 GMT
Hi Shell
Here for you
KL XXXXXX
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Jan 16, 2007 22:47:43 GMT
Hi all
Sorry ive not been around lately. I was admitted to psychiatric hospital on 15th dec and only just come home today. I really need everyones support more now than ever. I have lost everything over the last few weeks. My family wont talk to me, my in-laws hate me, my ex-hubby is being very difficult with me, the social worker has started working against me and i have only seen jack a handful of times in the last month. Now i have to see solicitior to try and get access and hopefully custody of jack. Really upests me that phil wont let me see jack. He says he cant trust me with him and wont put him in danger with me. I have never ever hurt jack and have never intended to hurt him either so how come i am being treat as if i am a risk to my own son. Tonight is the first night home and i feel so lonely. I wish i had my life back and jack back but i guess its gonna take time and i should just worry about one day at a time.
hope you all are ok
Shell
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Post by yoyo on Jan 16, 2007 23:16:49 GMT
Hi shell
We're all here for you and please keep talking x x x You're a strong woman x x So glad you're out now x x
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Post by sianyc on Jan 17, 2007 21:24:13 GMT
keep fighting lovely. I'm sure Jack will be back with you soon x
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Post by monica on Jan 21, 2007 11:06:32 GMT
Dear shell
How are you? Hang on in there. I know it must be so hard for you. How are things now with your ex and Jack. You had a few good days and soon they'll increase and outweigh any bad ones. That's the nature of this illness and progess can be slow. I can remember thinking I'd never get better, then I'm much better but not completely recovered and couldn't imagine that happeining, but it does, I promise. Try and hold onto that thought.
Take care
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Jan 21, 2007 21:23:42 GMT
Hi Shell
Just wanted to say hang in there and you have already given yourself the best bit of advice - to take each day as it comes. Thinking of you
Winegirl x
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