shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Jan 22, 2007 22:01:39 GMT
phil still wont let me see jack. he said that he cant even trust me with him for a few hours, he wont come with him as we will argue and he wont let any of my friends bring him to see me. Really hate this. Spent sat and sun nights in hospital as took overdose. Really annoyed that i eneded up there as i didnt want to wake up. I didnt even tell anyone but put a posting on netmums and it ended up being tracked to me and the police came hammering at the door. At least this would all have been over now. Poor jack doesnt need a mummy like me. Im just gonna be dragging him down. Wrote him a letter for when he was older telling him how much i loved him and that i will be the brightest star in the sky looking down on him making sure he isnt misbehaving but police took the letter. Never mind, sure i will try again and write a better one. Really cant bear a life without jack and dont think i have the strength to fight for him. Everyone seems to have made up their minds that he is not safe with me. My life is nothing without jack. Wish i could wake up and everything be ok but thats not gonna happen so i wish i didnt ever wake up again and do everyone a favour. Have to go to docs for check up and more meds tomorrow so maybe try to talk to them and see what they say. Maybe just need something else to help me get through the next few weeks
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Post by monica on Jan 24, 2007 18:52:33 GMT
Dear Shell
It breaks my heart to see wht you're going through. Please tryadn hold on; Jack needs you. I can only imagine how you feel without him, but you're his mum and mean everything to him adn there is no way his life would be better without you. I'm sure he misses you. This must be a horrific time for you. PNI is crippling it robs you of everything but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. I can remember a time when each day was a living nightmare but ti will end.
Could your hv/doctor do something or at least advice you about access. That is your right. And you will have him back. I guess your ex fears you will harm him - again would your hv be able to talk to your ex about that.
Are you gettign support from anyone? do you have friends or family to talk to? Are you getting support re: suicide attempt?
I'm send ing you a huge virtual hug
Love
Monica
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Jan 26, 2007 12:53:42 GMT
really struggling with these suicidal thoughts. Obviously taking overdose didint work and its a long drawn out process so need something quicker. my friend lives next to the main train line and I am so tempted to go there at night and throw myself in front of the next high speed train. At least there is no comeback. Its really killing me not seeing jack. I havent seen him for nearly 3 weeks and my ex is being very unreasonable and wont let me see him whether there is supervision or not. How come i have to ask permission to see my own son. Its so awful at home and seeing jacks things but knowing that jack isnt gonna be here. I know i have to bide my time til its gone through the courts but as each day goes by without jack i lose hope of getting him back. How have things become such a mess. I need to stop self harming as thats not gonna help my case but i just cant help it, Its controlling my life now. I cant seem to get through a day without harming myself. Every day seems to be so long and meaningless and a great struggle to get through. Why cant i either wake up and things be so much better or just not wake up at all. I hate this in between bit.
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Post by monica on Jan 26, 2007 20:08:06 GMT
Please shell
Don't do anything drastic. I can only begin to imagine how you you must be feeling, how desperate heartbroken, but your son needs you. I know you're not together at the moment and it may take a while to get access but you will get there. This illness is not forever, I promise you and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Imagine how your son will feel without you and I'm not saying that in order to blackmail you and make you feel guilty - just trying to persuade you not to end it all. You are everything to him. Your separation must be awful for him at the moment, but it's not forever. Just like this illness is not forever. Please try and get some help. Call the samaritans,, Police.
PNI makes you feel dreadful; a living hell. But slowly things do improve, even if you only have a few good hours in a week to start off with, thegood times will increase. I have never felt as low in mylife as with PNI. It was like living under a permanent black cloud and it felt as if things could not improve. But they did!
Please keep talking
Love
Monica
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Post by cheshire on Jan 26, 2007 20:50:06 GMT
Dear shell,
Just to reiterate what Monica has said, please don't do anything drastic.
This illness really is not forever. But I know that is probably no comfort now.
But please realise that we are here for you and many out there understand how you are feeling
If you are feeling desperate, please call family/ friends for help. If this is not possible, then call your GP on the out of hours emergency, or, if this is too much, call an ambulance. I have done this before and they are very understanding and will assess you and help you.
Please come back and talk to us. We are worried about you.
We may not write the right words, but we write because we care.
Hopefulxx
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Post by yoyo on Jan 26, 2007 21:47:29 GMT
Hi shell
I really am stuck for words- but want to tell you that I'm here for you - please feel free to ring me ANYTIME (i've PM'd you my phone numbers) when you need to esp when youa re so low you feel there's no hope - I have been at that point too and it is a very horrible place to be and yet at the same time you can only see one way out - but it won't last - this feeling will pass - I know you won't believe this but it will get better, so much better.
Please talk to someone when you are feeling so low x Maybe there is someone I could ring for you? Please PM me with anything I cna possibly do to help you in ANY way at all x x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Jan 27, 2007 10:04:30 GMT
still here. every morning i wake up and wonder if it will be the last day that i will see. Cant shake off this horrible feeling. Got letter from solicitor this morning. Phil has said that i can see jack between 2pm and 5pm on saturdays at his sisters house starting from 3rd Feb. I should be grateful that i can see him but cant help feeling very upset that its only 3 measly hours a week with supervision from his family. Apparently Phil has been advised by Social Services and health visitor that he should keep Jack living with him as "Jack is very settled and in a very appropriate routine and it would not be in his best interests to disrupt him". God i have screwed up this time. What a mess. Thanks yoyo for your e-mail. I have read through it and tried to take on board what you said. I also found one of thewebsite addresses very useful and got so much info from it.
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Post by monica on Jan 27, 2007 20:40:59 GMT
Dear Shell
Please try not to be ..so., mhard on yoruself. You are ill - just as if you'd broken your leg and couldn't walk - tmhis illness makes you feel so ill in other non visible ways and you need help to recover. No one choses to get this illness and it is so cruel.
I'm pleased you will be seeing Jack soon. I can udnerstand howyou feel about how long it's for - it must be so hard for you. But it'll be time for both of you.
Take care
Monica
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 2, 2007 23:36:16 GMT
still here - dont know why. Wish it was all over. Had a bad couple of days. Finding it so hard to try and pretend i am ok and that everything is fine when with my friend and her kids. Just seeing her kids is killing me as i just want jack back. My friend got stressed out with her husband and left the house for a walk on wed night and i couldnt find her and felt like it was my fault as i am staying there and in the way all the time and they dont have any time on their own. Ended up cutting myself badly and had to go to walk in centre for stitches. Then council decided they only paying 30 of my rent so i have to pay 65 and also want 177 in council tax before april and i only get 70 a week so god knows what i am going to do. Its changed as i havent got jack living with me but as i get less money i thought they would help more but they have done the opposite and made it worse for me. Then littlewoods messed up my account and charging me for items i havent even received. Then another friend of mines husband made a comment that upset me as her son fell on the bus and she said she felt like a bad mother and her husband said that she has been spending too much time with me, Made me realise that people obviously think because i havent got jack i am a bad mum. Suppose it looks that way to them. Maybe i am a bad mum. If i was a good mum i would have jack with me now. Why is everything and everyone trying to screw me up. Finally get to see jack tomorrow for 3 hours. Not sure if i am looking forward to it. Worried about the atmosphere with his sister and worried that jack wont want to know me and i know that when i have to go its gonna really cut me up. Dont know how much of this i can take. I burst into tears when at me friends today as her little boy is two days older than jack and seeing him makes me think about jack so much and what hes up to and i keep thinking i should be doing all these things with jack and not my friends son. Had visit from cpn yesterday. I really find it hard to talk to her. I just dont seem to be able to hold a conversation with her or open up and tell her how i feel. I know i should so that she can help me but i cant talk to her. I really need her to help me with these suicidal thoughts as they just wont go away. She doesnt even help me try and stop the self harm. She just criticises and tells me that i wont get jack back if i keep self harming and she makes me feel like a little school girl being told off. I just feel like she offers no support whatsoever. Isnt that supposed to be her job. My Friend says i should ask for a different one but i am scared that will just make things worse as they will think i am being a difficult patient. Is this doom and gloom ever gonna end for me. Really at my wits end.
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Post by monica on Feb 3, 2007 14:22:37 GMT
Hi
I hope today went well for you and Jack. I'm sorry you're on a downer and I can understand why you're feeling that way. It must feel as if everything is conspiring against you.
Do you have a central person who you could talk to about your cpn. It seems that someone you could talk to openly would be far more beneficial that someone you don't feel comfortable with and could make a huge difference.
I think people really don't have a clue about this illness and how bad you can feel (mayeb once upon a time I fell in this category) adn make wholly insensitive comments, this is so common and also from people who should know better.
You are not a bad mum at all ;you're ill. If you were a bad mum you wouldn't give a crap about your child, but you do, that is so clear.
Take care
Monica
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Post by helenr on Feb 3, 2007 21:05:27 GMT
Just wanted to say that i agree with Monica and that you should ask for another CPN. Work in the NHS myself and know that sometimes you just don't click. Its really important that you are cared for by someone who can really help you. And they can only try to do this if you are totally honest with them, even though its really hard. Would it be easier to show CPN or GP some excerts from your diary?
Anyway, who cares if they think youre being a difficult patient, the important thing is that you get the help you need.
My heart breaks for you with everything your going through.
Love and hugs Helenr x.
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Post by monica on Feb 10, 2007 3:00:48 GMT
Hi Shell
How are you? You've not been on for a bit (no pressure to, by the way) and was just wondering how you are doing.
Take care
Monica
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 10, 2007 12:04:44 GMT
finally saw jack last week as araanged. Went ok although i did feel it was a bit uncomfortable having my ex's sister sitting there. Jack wasnt too bothered about me either. Just realised how happy he is and how much it doesnt matter if i am there as he is doing ok. It was so hard walking away from him at the end knowing i would have to wait another week. Although thats not the case now. I have screwed up big style again. Took overdose on sat night and my friend found me on sunday morning and got an ambulance to take me to hospital. Then he rang phil and told him so now he wont let me see jack again. Feel so angry with my friend for ruining everything by letting me live. I really didnt want to have to carry on. Why cant i just end it if i want to. Then my best friend decided she has had enough and wont have anything to do with me anymore as i am stressing her out. I can totally understand although since then she has come round as she missed me and she felt awful for what she said. I dont blame her at all. I have realised how much i have put on her. Finally had a good chat to cpn when i came home and told her i think it could be the meds that are making me worse as since taking mirtazapine i have gotten worse so she rang the consultant and he said to stop taking it straight away and arranged for me to pick up another prescribtion. Had a couple of ok (as can be expected) days and really trying to keep positive. Finally accepted i am not getting jack back just yet and i actually dont want him whilst i am like this. Finding it hard today though. Feeling really low again. Havent self harmed for a week now and really close to doing it today. I keep trying distraction and hope it works. Dont want to ring my friend as i need to try deal with this on my own. I cant upset her again. Fingers crossed i can get through the day without harming.
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Post by yoyo on Feb 10, 2007 12:45:15 GMT
Hi Shell Glad you got to see Jack although I'm sure it was really difficult for you Sorry to hear you've been so desperate but well done for talking to your CPN and lets hope new meds start to help you more positively. You sound like you have a fab friend there - she will feel completley helpess and worried about you when you are so low but she's there for you bu the sounds of things. As you say you have to accept you don't have Jack - at the moment - this may not be a permanant thing at all though and as you say it wouldn't be good for him and you just whilst things are trying to settle down with new meds etc. PLease keep talking through this - you will be ok x x x Thinking of you today x
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Post by helenr on Feb 10, 2007 21:29:18 GMT
Hi Shell,
well done for not self harming for a week, i'm sure its been really hard for you. Try to just get through one day at a time, and worry about tomorrow - tomorrow.
Easier said than done i know.
Thinking of you
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