Hi Michelle
I hope you do not mind me butting in on your diary?
I am sorry that you are suffering like this - is there anything we can do?
Can I ask if you are very angry with Phil or just the situation/
Because anger can lead to suicidal thoughts like you are having. if you are feeling a lot of anger and frustration that you can do nothing about so it turns inward, are you able to express theses feelings and are you having counseling to help you find a way through?
Another reason that you are feeling so low may be about the fact that you do not have custody of your son tat the moment his confirms to you your thoughts that you are a bad mother and you have failed?
We all get horrible feelings with PNI and they are awful for all, but when you still have your child/ren to look after I suppose this offsets the thoughts because your day is busy and you have little achievements with them to bolster you up and make you believe that you are not a bad mother after all.
As the only contact you have with Jack at the moment is access visits where he goes home with his dad, this is the only contact you have and the only interaction you have to have any feeling that you are being a mum at all.
But you are a mum and you are not anymore a 'bad' mum than any of us, it is just we have not had the same circumstances as you have if our partners and husbands stayed with us while we had PNI. Many women with PNI do as you do and self harm. However most are either single parents, with no one to take custody of our child/ren or still are with our partners and child/ren
So I can see how Jack not living with you at the moment makes everything feel so much worse for you. You only have the small visits with your son to relate to as a mother - but you really are not a bad mum and you have to build on the little contact you have with Jack - I do realize a bit of how hard this is.
But you do have a life ahead of you and things can change and quite quickly - so never lose hope that jack will live with you full time again.
I know it sounds as if I do not understand because my child only left recently and at 17 but if I say that at my age, 54 , I have known many women who have lost custody of their first or even their second child as well with one partner but either gone on to have further relationships or even further children and had a good family love in the future - and I have known others who's partners had custody at first but got them back full time when they were still very young or as their child got older it became harder for the other partner to insist you only see them when supervised etc
There comes a time - and very quickly when children have their own say in this and want to stay with their other parent at least now and then. Once children get to the age to make their own minds up and let their preferences known - as long as you keep in contact with them before this - this usually sorts itself out so that you see them on your own and/or look after them on a shared basis with their father, or all the time .
I know this seems a remote possibility now and too long to wait - but in a child's life it does not take long - and as I said, things can change very quickly.
In the meantime you have to use the space you have without a child to look after 24/7 to get yourself well, so you can be good for Jack later - because he will need and want you.
You asked about distracting yourself from the thoughts. Have you tried any groups for PNI or as you do not have your child at the moment groups for those who suffer depression or anxiety? Sometimes meeting others in a similar position can help, or attending a day center that offers courses or training .
Day centers like this exist all over but women with young children at home can not usually access them because of childcare - but you could.
I do not know where you live to suggest one but as an example one organization we have round here is Pentreath
www.pentreath.co.uk/ there may be something like this round where you are.
Theses day centers say there main purpose is to
'offer training, work experience and employment opportunities to people who are recovering from mental ill health'
but in reality you can go to them for a long time and do IT and other courses, activities, fitness groups and support groups and not be pressurized to go back to work at all.
Adult social care also run day centers for those with or recovering from mental health issues that do not have any aim to get you in work, and theses can offer you social contact and activities and training. Those that attend are in the main ordinary people like you or me who have suffered mental health issues, self harm etc
It is also easier to get benefits such as DLA if you attend such centers.These are just suggestions - tell me to shut up if they are bad ones!
As for DLA you can certainly get this anyway.
Many with PNI and/or other mental/emotional illnesses that alter their ability to cope with life etc can get DLA and do get DLA - it is certainly worth applying for. As well as DLA If you have a CPN and involvement form the crisis team you can also apply for something called Direct Payments
www.dh.gov.uk/en/Policyandguidance/Organisationpolicy/Financeandplanning/Directpayments/index.htmThis can pay for many things to help you get your life on track - for instance a friend as a carer to help you go out now and then i.e for a swim or the gym or just to go out and meet people socially or anything else you may need - even just a carer to come and help you round the home and have a chat.
You may not get it but it is worth applying for .
I know that you are not motivated but a little bit of extra money may help you to start to do more things .
It may help to focus on something else. i know that this feels impossible right now, but by just getting involved in something else, this can change.
I hope you do not mind me making theses suggestions - I just want to help as we all do here.
Love Veritee
XX
