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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 19, 2006 19:01:31 GMT
TodayAfter collecting the milk, I stood this morning in my nightie and dressing gown in the pissing rain in the street and seriously considered walking down the road. I spent last trying to workout how to leave the house without waking dh (in the living room). I also thought about hiding his car keys then he couldn't go to work. I have accused him of having an internet affair. I called him in tears yesterday because I thought a strange man was trying to break into the house. My mum came mid morning a looked after me. I feel safest with her around. I want to cry like a child when she leaves. I went to bed this afternoon for a couple of hours. Mum has taken Katie to her house for a couple of nights. It was so hard packing for her, I couldn't concentrate on which pants, socks, trousers etc I was packing. Probably forgotten something. Tommy is at home with me, my mum asked me which child she should take, I told her to take Katie because I find Tommy easier to cope with. Sophie's choice Just waiting for David to come home. Tommy is still up, I need his company. Someone came to the door, I hate that and the phone started to ring and the dog bark. I'm going to explode. I am angry with my usual parenting site, I have tried to ask for help and been ignored. I think they are bored with me. I thought they were my friends. Anyway. Bad day today but better than yesterday (I think due to Mum being here and getting dressed)
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Post by cheshire on Oct 19, 2006 20:16:38 GMT
Hi Roseycheeks,
Sorry today was not good at all - I've read your post twice now and I can really identify with what you say here and with feeling the way you have today:
''I spent last trying to workout how to leave the house without waking dh (in the living room).
I also thought about hiding his car keys then he couldn't go to work.
I have accused him of having an internet affair.
I called him in tears yesterday because I thought a strange man was trying to break into the house. ''
I hope tomorrow is a bit better for youxx We're here if you fancy a chat (sorry to barge in on your diary)
Love and hugs
HopefulXxx
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 20, 2006 7:20:41 GMT
Thank you, Hopeful, that helps hugely. FridayI can't believe it. I went to the loo half and hour ago and flushed, (I try not to when the kids are asleep incase I wake them - because I can't face the start of the day signaled by them waking up) I woke Tommy, I lay in bed and listened to his shouting. Instead of waiting for David to go and get him, or for him to just give up (like I usually do) I just got Tommy out of bed, changed his nappy and brought back to bed with me for a cuddle. Because I wanted too. This afternoon Grrrrrrrrr at doctors who don't read notes. A doctor I have never had before, running late and taking phonecalls in the middle of my appointment, by the time I got called, I was shaking, I couldn't even read a magazine in the waiting room. I had to explain my dosage and I got all muddled up, and she wanted to know why I had come to the doctors, "I was told to" She got me so flustered that I forgot to get a sick line for work and had to ask as I was leaving, then when I told her it needed to be back dated she got annoyed and had to fill in another form. I felt about 8 years old. I got into the car with Dh and burst into tears. He wanted to show me this great little junk shop which has just opened which he knew I'd like. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. Then I wonder why I don't want to leave the house?
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Post by Veritee on Oct 20, 2006 23:43:10 GMT
Hi Rosy!
I noticed you were online and wanted to say that I relate very much to what you say.
What you said about DH reminded me so much about how Barry was when I had PNI
he would escape from his stress many times by sleeping in the day on the living room sofa ( he is a merchant seaman so when he is home on leave he does not work but goes away for up to 3 to 4 months at a time)
- and so many times I would be wanting to wake him up because I was desperate for help - but could not somehow and still do not understand fuly why?.
I also had the situation you describe when Barry would give me a lift to the GP or the paediatrician and just not seem to 'get' what was going on for me or what the visit had been all about and want to turn it into a 'social ' occasion by visiting a new pub he had found or a reclaimed timber yard etc on the way back.....
it made me feel so alone with PNI.
I too hate GPs who do not read notes and in my experience most of mine never do!!
Just wanted to say i am up for a while and here
VeriteeXX
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 21, 2006 0:02:44 GMT
Thank you, Veritee.
David is a paramedic so works four days on fours days off sort of thing, he is very understanding and I think the trip today was about getting me to stay out of the house for a bit. He did however carry the baby and the car keys then stood and talked to the shop assistant for ages and ages until I was nearly in tears, but I couldn't get the keys to get back to the car or use Tommy (the baby) as a diversion tactic. I told David how horribly lonely I feel and he said he was sorry, but it isn't his fault, I am lonely because I am alone in my head and can't make anyone understand. I get glimpses of hope on here and the other parenting forum I belong too, the slogan of the site is, "In the isle by the chilled cabinet nobody can hear you scream" - I am permanently in that isle!
I am glad you posted, thank you. You have interrupted my evening routine of putting "baby" into Google News and reading all the horrible world news stories about things that have happened to children. Sick, eh? I think I do it in a "for-warned is forearmed" kind of way, that or I am trying to "feel" an emotion, a reason to be sad or what it would be like if something happened to one of mine - how upset I would be. I worry I would have to fake it.
Anyway, this has turned into a confessional.
Goodnight, thank you for your site. Jane xxx
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Post by Veritee on Oct 21, 2006 0:40:11 GMT
Good night to you too!
I suppose i had better got to bed as i have a full day tomorrow.
I felt so very lonely very often with PNI as despite having a husband who on the surface could not be more understanding of my PNI....he never really was fully engaged/emotionally part - of what was going on for me and Caja..
I take your point that it is also about being 'alone in your head' this was true of me too..and it is a very good point to make, with PNI we can be lonely in our heads despite any support we get...
but I also feel that my partner Barry- with a little more effort - could have 'got it ' more too at times?? Maybe not? i do not really know as it just seemed like this at the time?
The Internet was not around when I had PNI - so instead of typing 'baby' into Google I used to ring every helpline I could find to ring
- from sudden infant death( cot death) to helplines for childhood cancer, leukemia, NCH,NS PC - the Samaritans and a mental heath line called night-link for mental health issues..
as before the Internet there were more 24 hour help lines than there are now and i was a regular visitor on all of them!!
I do so relate to much of what you say and you describe it very well. I hope you get a good night sleep
if not do not hesitate to write down your thoughts...
VeriteeXX
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Post by Veritee on Oct 21, 2006 0:54:44 GMT
I should have asked first if it was OK for me to post in your dairy? Sorry I hope it was OK - just related to what you said i did not think to ask All the best VeriteeXX
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 21, 2006 11:45:12 GMT
Of course it is ok! I am flattered that anyone could be bothered to read (in the words of Eric Morecambe) that what I wrote. It has been hugely beneficial to write down how I am feeling without being judged.
Couldn't sleep last night at all, but off for a kip now as David has taken Tommy in the car to collect Katie (our eldest) from my mum's. I feel very wicked that I wish she could stay there a bit longer and that I haven't missed her, poor love. At least she'll have had some proper affection from her Nana and Pop.
Jane xxx
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Post by sianyc on Oct 21, 2006 18:08:44 GMT
Hey Rosycheeks
don't feel guilty about not missing her. I went away with work for 5 days last months and REALLY enjoyed the break. I felt guilty at the time but I'm so glad I had that break from my 2. I've felt much better since having had some proper sleep and not being mummy for a while.
I know what you mean about the wanting to just walk away. I've picked an argument with Gary several times just so I have the justification (in my eyes anyway) to leave the house for 20 minutes to cool down. It's sometimes so tempting to bugger it all for a while x
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 22, 2006 16:29:49 GMT
To day, I would like to stop thinking about killing myself. I can't stop. I am exhausted. David is working tomorrow - I have to wake up well or I won't be able to cope. Fed up.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 22, 2006 16:59:08 GMT
Hi Rosycheeks, I remember that sort of feeling v. well - I'm sorry you feel like this But we'll be around tomorrow if you need a listening earxx Thinking of you, Love HopefulXxX
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 23, 2006 9:19:27 GMT
WOW. Last for the first time in MONTHS I went to bed relaxed and had a lovely sleep, it was broken but very chilled and almost content! I woke up quite laid back and I have only told myself, "Just kill yourself" once this morning, that was only when I was trying to do the whole breakfast thing with hungry kittens under my feet, no neck tightenings. I have decided not to take dd to nursery because it is raining, I don't have a rain cover for the buggy and I would spend the day worrying about it. Need to post a letter later.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 23, 2006 15:13:14 GMT
Glad last night was good for you - a great feeling isn't it ? XxX
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 24, 2006 23:31:55 GMT
Well, indeed it is. I didn't sleep last night but I wasn't unhappy or anxious. Had psychotherapist today and I was desperate the he wouldn't bump me off now I am feeling brighter. He says I should leave the expert decisions up to him. lol. I take that as he has no plans to lose me yet. He wants me to come up with a plan to return to work and keep writing this diary (he was very impressed btw), but maybe try it in the third person. So if I do, then you'll know why. David is working tonight and I managed the kids well getting them to bed. It seems the Venaflaxine is working. Wish I wasn't so tired. Oh, and I picked Katie up from nursery AND went to the co-op to get something for tea. Ended up with two HUGE pumpkins!
I have only told myself to "die" a couple of times today, and not had many neck tightenings. Dr said that I didn't want to die, I just wanted to escape, he is right, my escape usually consists of my running away, and the planning is an actual escape itself.
Feeling positive, hope it lasts, I have bought nice food and cleaning products from Tesco for Thursday - hope I still feel motivated to actually use the stuff and it doesn't end up in the bin as usual.
The Dr declared I have suffered from two rounds of undiagnosed PNI, and because I hid it so well the first time, this time it has come back with vengeance. That coupled with me being prone to depression anyway.
Anyway, off to sleep, love to anyone 'listening' and I hope you are okay xxx Jane
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Post by Veritee on Oct 25, 2006 0:39:32 GMT
I am listening I am reading what you are writing - i can not respond today for my own reasons, but I wanted to know that I am reading what you write and i do have many things i want to say when I can
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