Tasha dairy

[tasha]

Hello, I hope this helps a bit, well here goes.
started having big panic attacks about 2 weeks ago that turned in to one big one and found myself feeling very unsafe around my son who is 14 months old, went the docs and he put me on beta blockers, 2 days later I was getting worse and had to go down the hospital to get some diazepam to calm me down( crying, felt like I was going to hurt my son, bad mother, guilt, do I play with him enough, socialize enough etc etc.) finally was diagnosed with pni, so have been put on seroxat to help me. My partner took a week off work to help me with Ashley and my family have been very supportive, I thought I was doing so well till last nite when I started having a manic episode!! I wanted to take Ashley to a gym-babes class this morning and I thought I would be OK and be able to handle it, I was fine till my mum said I will ring in the morning to see how you are, then I just went int to one trying to get every thing sorted(clothes, baby bag etc) started having panic attacks AGAIN about the fact I had to write out a cheque when I got there ( how stupid is that !!!) . In the end I had to get my mum to come and support me and it turned out fine. It always seems that after having a manic episode I go on a major low and feel dread full and all my symptoms come back, I feel like a shit mother (guilty mostly) at the mo and all I want to do is run away, I some times feel like I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they are constantly on at me, not that I hear voices but one minute I feel like life is great then it all goes wrong.
Hope this feeling goes away soon. x
p.s house looks like a shit tip!!

[cheshire]

Tasha

Just wanted to welcome you to the diary sectionx
Everyone is extremely supportive here - hope you don't mind me butting in just to say hellox

Panic attacks are the pits - we're here for youx

Love,
HopefulXX

[tasha]

Hello, felling down today, just empy but no panic attacks which is good. would have been quite happy to stay in bed all day. my partner is going back to work tom, so its going to be my first time with ashley all day, not feelling to bad about that, hopefully I will be able to get out and go and see my nan. everybody is being very supportive but sometimes I feel sooo alone. Wish there was a pill to take that could make evrything better quick!!
well better go and put the tea on.
tasha

[monica]

Hello

Welcome to this site! I'm sorry you're having a bad time at the moment, but I promise you things will get better. I, too, had panic attacks but at the time I didn't know what they were. It was all so frightening.

Many women suffer with guilt. I think that's part and parcel of this horrible illness as well as for many, acute anxiety so you're not alone.

Don't know much about seroxat (I was on citalopram) but with many antids it can take a few weeks for them to kick in and the first few weeks can make you feel worse.

Glad you're feeling positive about tomorrow. Try and take it easy. Stuff the house. Mine is stilla right old mess and I'm loads better!!!

Monica

[kl77]

Hi Tasha

Welcome to the diary section x

I think the guilt is a main factor in many people with pni. My counsellor says it's my way of punishing myself? I can understand about having support but feeling alone, at times I don't want to be where I am but have no idea where I want to be or who I want to be with.

You sound to be coping well with your symptoms and you ARE a fantastic mum.

Good luck today - remember baby steps!

Take care honey

KL x

[tasha]

Hello,
A big thank you all who have replied to me, it does make me feel better that I am not the only one going though this horrid illness.
well feeling a abit more positive today, my partner has gone back to work today and I feel better than I thought I would, I acually washed the kitchen floor and hovered!!!
Dont know if I will go down nans today but am going to the dentist so still am getting out the house for a bit.
love tashax

[tasha]

Hello, had a good day till last nite, then started feeling really anxious, Ashley had his injection's yest and I am back to work today so I think thats why.
I hate the fact you have a good day but then a bad one the next, its like someone punishing you for feeling OK.
I hate the way I feel, ashley seems happy but I hope this Is not going to affect him long term.
just want the ground to swallow me up! this illness makes me soooo confused
tahsa

[kl77]

Hi Tasha

How did your first day back at work go?

I'm sure Ashley won't be affected in the long run, he knows his mummy loves him x
Take care

KL X

[tasha]

Hello,
thankfully my first day back at work was not to bad, my friend was working who also had pni, and she was a big help.
still felling anxious and a bit shakey at the mo.
My mum is having ashley over nite so me and my partner can go out for a meal and have a bit of us time which I am looking forward too!!
love tasha

[winegirl]

Hi Tasha

I am so glad your first day back at work was ok. These things are always going to be difficult. I am dreading going back but keep telling myself that my little girl will have a fab time with the other children at nursery and i will give her my total attention and time in the small time that we will have together.

Have a nice time time with your meal tonight, hope it is a nice relaxing evening for you.

Winegirl x

[tasha]

Hello,
Had a really nice time last nite, forgot what it was like to go out and have a nice meal then a few drinks down the pub. I did not have any panic attacks and was not anxious well a bit before going out but that went when I left the house (very strange how my mind works)
my mum brought Ashley back in the morning and I was really happy to see him, I got all excited and that was such a nice feeling(absence does make the heart grow fonder) I missed him so much, mum has said she will have him overnight once a month now.
The only problem is now my anti d's have started to kick in and one of the side affects is my hands and arms shake a little bit. will have to see the doc about that!!
love tashaxx

[kl77]

Hi Tasha

I'm so pleased you enjoyed your night without much anxiety and it gives you something to look forward to if your mum has generously offered to do it once a month.

Hope your weekend is going well

KL x

[tasha]

Hello,
Have had a shit few days.
Sunday.
could not get motivated to get out of bed. Been having side affects from the anti d's ( not sleeping, no appetite, shaking,headache's). Went to work and explained my situation and got sent home, boss was understanding and wished me to get better soon. felt not to bad for the rest of the day.
Monday.
went to gym-babies and spoke to a friend about how I was feeling and arranged to go to a mother and baby group tom with her.
Went to see my doctor to see if there was anything they could do about the side affects or change my meds but she told me that I would most likely get the same if I swapped meds anyway so am going to give it another week and see how I feel. also asked to see the mental health nurse at my surgery and got an app tom.
Tuesday ( bad day)
could not get motivated to get out of bed again!!
Ashley woke in a grumpy mood and seems to have an ever lasting cold at the moment and been grumpy and crying most of the day.
was going to cancel on my friend but decided to go( just wanted to go back to bed and disappear) Ashley enjoyed himself and I did. dropped Ashley off at my mums and dads then went to see the nurse.
I was sexually abused as a child for 7 years by a family member, after years of keeping it to myself I faced my demons got counseling and got better felt fine till a few weeks ago when I was diginoed as having pni, told the lady everything the panic attacks,bad thoughts, anxiety, no appitite, snaping at my partner etc etc.
The lady asked me lots of questions about my abuser "did i prosecute" "has he got access to children now" I know she is only doing her job. but my mind had started to spin.
she offered me a workshop on depression and that I could have a graduate to help me. Its hard to explain but I felt she was trying to make out that I am more depreesed than I really am or am I am so confused
by the time I left my mind had started going in to manic mode and could not remember allot of wot she said.
put on my brave face and went and got Ashley, afew hours later I was having a full blow panic attack and serious anxiety, luckily my partner was on his way home and I took a diazepam and went for a walk which helped a little.
I have an app in 2 weeks time with her and I think I will tell to forget it.
I feel like due to my current situation and past I am now panicking that they are going to keep a very close eye on me, put me on an at risk list , have social services standing at my door, and that things are not going to go my way and that she thinks that I am worse than I really am?
Am I being paranoid??
I WISH THAT I HAD NOT GONE TO SEE HER.
I thought I was doing ok till today and handling things and now I dont know if I am?
she was a nice lady I thought she was going to offer me some advice and counseling not this.
now I feel like I am back at square 1 with the bad thoughts anxiety, panic attacks and feeling unsafe again.
She focused on the abuse but I am fine with it and don't think that is the issue, it has left me scared but I have accepted this and got on with my life.
sorry to go on but just needed off load
tashaxx

[cheshire]

Hi Tasha

I identify with some of what you said - here for youx

Love Hopefulx

[kl77]

Hi Tahsa

I'm sorry that seeing the MH nurse wasn't a positive experience for you x

Hope today is a better day

Hang in there honey x

KL X