tasha
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Posts: 40
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Post by tasha on Jul 20, 2007 20:08:48 GMT
Thank you for your support I am the first to admit that i come of the antd's to soon and I have been to the docs, had a chat with her and am back on them so hopefully will feel better soon.Didn't known that a blip could be this bad . feeling better than this morning had a chat with my cousin ( a midwife) and got my OH to come home both were very supportive. veritee has been a big help as the thoughts were intrusive and graphic so I pm her and got a bit of it off my chest which was great and she reasurred me that I am normal! am going to see a MH nurse soon to see about therapy as I need to talk 1-1, unfortunately there are not any support groups or specialist therapist in my area. I was sexually abuse as a child and I did get therapy for it but think now the 2 are colliding with each other somehow? my thoughts are both physical and sexual (I hate to admit it) don't want to go in to detail, still feeling vulnerable at the mo but its a start. thank for your support and not judging tashaxx
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Post by yoyo on Jul 20, 2007 20:23:09 GMT
HI tasha sorry to here you're having a tough time - P{NI stinks and the blips can be horrid. Well done on going back on the anti-d's - I too had to do this - it really went against the grain but was the right choice. I'msure you'll feel better for it soon Glad you're finding people to talk to too - that really does help. Keep talking x x x The thoughts will fade in time - it's quite normal to have both violent and sexual thoughts towards others with PNI - esp our children. This will go in time - but very difficult to deal with when going through it. Many of us have been there - re visit there now and then You're doing so well x x x x
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tasha
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Post by tasha on Jul 26, 2007 8:53:06 GMT
Hello, Am pleased to say that I am feeling a bit better my anxiety levels have gone down and the nasty thoughts are not being so intrusive ( I think because I have had other things to think about like water which in a way is good) have started back on seroxat and am getting side affects from them and there are the pits. unfortunately I am one of the many people who has no running water at the moment but luckily I was not flooded, It came to the end of the road though!!! Have been living off bottled water since Sunday. I thought that my anxiety would be worse but the community spirit is great and we have all pulled together, it feels nice talking to people that you would not on any other occasion. little man has not really noticed but is missing his baths now. going on holiday tomorrow (camping in Devon) looking forward to it because we will be able to shower at last ;D tasha xxx
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Post by chica on Jul 26, 2007 10:46:26 GMT
Hope you have a great holiday. Sorry to hear that you are being affected by the floods. It must have been so scarey watching the levels rise. Nice to hear that there is a good community spirit around. Its amazing how you can get to know people when in a crisis. Sending you love and hugs for a great holiday. Dont forget the soap Chica
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tasha
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Post by tasha on Aug 10, 2007 8:28:05 GMT
Hi, went to devon for the week and had a lovely time just the 3 of us, wish we could of stayed longer, it was nice to get away from normal day 2 day life. when we got back I got the holiday blues and did feel crap for a couple of days, anxiety came back because even though I have plenty of things to do and people to see I get anxious in the holidays (no play group etc) and you have to make the extra effort to make sure little man does not get bored. went to see m/h nurse yest and he thought it would be a good idea to do some cognitive behavior therapy which I am open to doing but sounds quite scary he said there is a good chance that I will feel bad after the sessions because of bringing past events up and talking about the pnd which I have found out the morning as the intrusive thoughts are there and am having palpitations!!! so I am trying to keep myself busy but it hard not to get caught up in it and just sit there thinking!!! johns being supportive still but since having ashley are sex life is quite bad and that makes me worry even though we do talk about it I feel very guilty. gioing to go and do some shopping now, hopefully I will feel better after. tasha x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 10, 2007 10:00:44 GMT
Hi Tasha
Just wanted to let you know I can relate to so much of what you have said, esp about being manic and then depressed! Thats me all day long! Hope you feel better soon, With love
Nishka xxx
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Post by monica on Aug 11, 2007 20:51:37 GMT
Hello
Glad your hols went well and you had a nice break. Trying to catch up with your diary as I never have more than 5 mins to get on the computer.
I find that stressful situations can trigger the thoughts - you mentioned feeling down after your hols. You become more vulnerable to these thoughts, which in turn can make you panic etc etc but you should find once you get back inot the routine you'll pick up.
I can relate to the sex life - or rather lack of it. Antis ds can dull th elibido and if you're feeling crap, that's usually the last thing you feel like doing and of course feelign drained , tired with a small child makes it hard to have the energy. Your oh sounds super and supportive. It will come back in time. Was watching the Wright Stuff or something similar and a caller phoned in sayign that her sex life had plummeted after the birth of her child. He said this was v normal and suggsted her and her oh cuddle more and get their imitacy from this until she felt like goign further.
Take care
monica
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tasha
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Post by tasha on Aug 12, 2007 8:27:34 GMT
HI well here we go again went to see a mental health nurse last week and talking about my past and pni has brought my depression up to the surface been having terrible thoughts, I was sexually abused when a child and I started getting thoughts of abusing my son when I first got pni ( but in no way acted on these) but now it seems my mind is bringing the past and now together, I have started to have big panic attacks (especially at night times when its quite and my mind is more relaxed) I see a child and feel my anxiety rise and rise and want to run away, I think my main issue at the moment is I am so scared that I am turning in to my brother and will become a pedophile because of these thoughts thus bring on the panic attacks again in no way do I want to act on this. thats why I feel so distressed and disgusted with myself I feel physically sick but my mind keeps tormenting me I feel so shit at the moment I do really need help. I have spoken to my o/h he knowns all about the abuse and have told him that I get horrible thoughts but in no detail, this morning we talked and agreed that it is getting out of hand and we cant go on like this. I feel like am hitting rock bottom and am really scared tashaxxx
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Post by monica on Aug 12, 2007 12:29:39 GMT
Hello
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. But please believe me, it's not you it's this illness. I read on here that these feeeligns are the protective instinct going into overdrive. You mentionjed your abuse - you have firsthand experience of this so this too has meant you fear it for your child so much you have started to imagine yourself doing this - but this will not happen. These thoughts are so distressing . Try adn see it logically )hard as it is). If you were a paedophile you would not worry about abusing your child. You are clearly such a top mum and not turning into one - but your worry is leading to you panicking and all the horrible sympotms of that.
My thoughts used to revolve around illnesses and dying - but they were all consuming. But they will pass. Have you seenyour doctor? What did the nurse say abot the thoughts? CBT is a way of challenging negative thinking using various techniques. MY cpn talked about a few of them and I found them quite useful.
please keep talking. Many of us can relate wholly to how you're feeling.
Love
Monica
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Post by chica on Aug 13, 2007 10:44:58 GMT
Hi Tasha,
Just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and sending you huge cyber hugs. So glad to hear your oh is being supportive that really does help. Have you managed to speak to anyone today, do you have the mental health nurses number?
Keep on talking here, we are all rooting for you. You are not alone.
Love and hugs Chica
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tasha
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Post by tasha on Aug 13, 2007 13:06:12 GMT
thank you all for your reassuring words have spoke to my m/h worker this morning and he is trying to get me an app this week thankfully, spoke to my doctor and she has given me some diazepam to help calm me. even though I am feeling calmer the thoughts are still there but they are turning in to what ifs? ( what if I am turning in to my brother), and I cant stop thinking that I am turning in to a monster and that the thoughts are real and what if I hurt my little boy or even worse somebody else this is getting really scary now (alot of what ifs) mostly this happens when I am alone and at night time I go to bed feeling tired but am scared of going to sleep because I known I will wake up having panic attacks and feeling very lonely, I try and read a book and do my breathing exercises, I dont want to wake my o/h because he has work and I dont want him up all night looking after me my mum has been round last night and this morning and is coming round in a bit and she has a very calming affect on me. sorry to ramble on but just needed to say that. tashaxx
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tasha
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Post by tasha on Aug 14, 2007 8:25:59 GMT
feeling very tired 2day but a bit more level headed since taking the diazepam and am able to think a little more logically and know that I would not hurt anybody esp my little man. got up this morning and thought of taking little man to the park or something outdoors but then it started bloody raining!!! why is it when you actually feel up to doing something!!! so going to try and take him swimming, have not got much confidence at the mo and swimming seems to be a big challenge but I need to do something (think I would go mad staying in all day and its not fair on little man) hope it goes ok, will report back later. tashaxx
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Post by chica on Aug 14, 2007 10:20:58 GMT
Hi Tasha, Good luck with the swimming. I am forever trying to occupy my two as well, difficult isnt it. Although mine are getting older now so do not need half as much supervision thank goodness. I can hear them in the bathroom now, washing all their toy ponies in a dollys bath, (oh bless them) mind you I am sure they will start shouting and screaming again in a minute. Glad to hear you are feeling a little better today. The thoughts are one of the worse parts of this illness but they are that honey just thoughts. You are not turning into a monster honestly, it is just this blasted illness.
Love and hugs Chica
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tasha
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Posts: 40
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Post by tasha on Aug 16, 2007 8:31:01 GMT
Hi, managed to go swimming and it was not to bad, glad I went in the end and little man really enjoyed himself. still getting side affects from the anti'ds feeling sick all the time and very drained could sleep all the time, yest I did not want to move in fear that I might throw up!! was feeling a little teary last nite don't know why? got my appt with the m/h nurse today and am a bit nervous about it, dont know wot I am going to say even though for the past week I have not been able to stop thinking about the pni!! hope it goes ok tashaxx
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tasha
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Post by tasha on Aug 17, 2007 8:40:07 GMT
Hello, went to see my m/h nurse yest and he done a clinical assessment on me and to see if ashley is "at risk" because I told him I have been having the intrusive thoughts and he needs to ring someone for advice even though he said I am a low risk, it has not done anything for my confidence and the fact that he thinks it could happen has made me feel aniouxs and I don't think he understands pni, now I am thinking that I am having theses thoughts and that they must mean something. just wish it would go away. tashax
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