Post by beverley on Nov 13, 2006 20:18:38 GMT
I'm all of a dither now! I have changed my user name from Beverley and have previously posted a few bits and bobs in the "Introduce Yourself" section.
I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for me to be posting at all as I haven't had a diagnosis of PNI and I don't seem to have the symptoms that so many of you describe. In fact, I think plain old depressed & stressed sums up how I am at the moment but this began after my son arrived and isn't something I have ever felt before.
My son (whom I shall refer to as EJ) is fab, a really easy baby (compared to many!) and I'm very lucky with my hubby too. Despite this, I have this constant sinking feeling and wake with a knot in my stomach. I'm very anxious and panicky - which is not at all how I was before EJ came.
My labour was full of intervention and resulted in a caesarean - which makes me feel as though I was never intended to be a mother as my body couldn't manage to deliver him. Breast feeding was agonising and I had to combine breast and bottle as I just couldn't manage to breast feed alone. This added to the feeling that I really shouldn't be a mum - not only could I not deliver him, I couldn't provide for him either.
The upset of all this is diminishing lately but has been replaced with other anxieties. I feel pulled in so many directions - so many things to do and I'm not doing any of them very well. I don't give my son enough attention - sometimes I simply can't because I'm so exhausted (and sometimes bored with him - how horrible is that to admit?). The house is a mess - so many jobs to do and so few of them ever get done. I've not exactly been a great wife either - I've let myself go since EJ came and haven't been paying my hubby the attention he deserves. As for finding time to be just me, well it's not happening either. I seem to be failing every which way I turn.
The little lad seems to be cutting his first tooth and he's been very clingy and in pain - which breaks my heart - but I still find it hard to be patient when he's whinging. I took him for a long walk (taking buckets of milk because my latest panic is about not having enough) and each job I tried to do fell apart - various places were closed, or didn't have what I needed etc and it was a really wasted couple of hours. By this time I was way behind with my chores and hadn't achieved anything by 3pm! I was really stressed by this time and just wanted to walk out the door. My hubby was home early and he did some jobs for me - and it was all really chaotic.
We had a big chat on Friday about this - the first time I've been able to tell him about how anxious I've become - and we agreed to talk about it lots more. The next day when we were out, I started to tell him more about my bizarre anxiety associated with turning right when I'm driving. As I started to talk I got a bit tearful (cos I know that it's really stupid to get in such a state over something so ridiculous) and his words were, "well don't upset yourself" and changed the subject. We've not mentioned anything since. He's being really good about helping me with practical jobs, which really helps, but to be honest I'd sooner that the house was a tip and he sat and listened to me. The thing is, I find it hard to say that to him. He likes things to be tidy and can't settle when they're not. He doesn't put pressure on me to do housework, but I feel dreadfully guilty if I don't get enough done.
I feel guilty about so many things - and this morning I tackled one of them. He doesn't need to get up particularly early and so our bathroom times can collide. I always hang back until he's had his shower, but this morning he simply didn't get out of bed despite being wide awake. I need to shower during EJ's morning nap and I knew he would wake soon. I was getting edgier and edgier (what a silly thing to get wound up about??) when it dawned on me that hubby has never asked me to wait, I have just assumed he needed to go in there first. So, I just grabbed my towel and hopped in. When I got out, he just smiled at me and finished his tea. This whole stressy situation has been created in my own mind and was never something that stemmed from him at all. I'm now going to try to just get in the shower when I need to rather than panicking about making him late. He's a grown man and can sort himself out!!
I've rambled lots and some of it seems so daft, but I've just got to shake off this sinking feeling.
xxx
I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for me to be posting at all as I haven't had a diagnosis of PNI and I don't seem to have the symptoms that so many of you describe. In fact, I think plain old depressed & stressed sums up how I am at the moment but this began after my son arrived and isn't something I have ever felt before.
My son (whom I shall refer to as EJ) is fab, a really easy baby (compared to many!) and I'm very lucky with my hubby too. Despite this, I have this constant sinking feeling and wake with a knot in my stomach. I'm very anxious and panicky - which is not at all how I was before EJ came.
My labour was full of intervention and resulted in a caesarean - which makes me feel as though I was never intended to be a mother as my body couldn't manage to deliver him. Breast feeding was agonising and I had to combine breast and bottle as I just couldn't manage to breast feed alone. This added to the feeling that I really shouldn't be a mum - not only could I not deliver him, I couldn't provide for him either.
The upset of all this is diminishing lately but has been replaced with other anxieties. I feel pulled in so many directions - so many things to do and I'm not doing any of them very well. I don't give my son enough attention - sometimes I simply can't because I'm so exhausted (and sometimes bored with him - how horrible is that to admit?). The house is a mess - so many jobs to do and so few of them ever get done. I've not exactly been a great wife either - I've let myself go since EJ came and haven't been paying my hubby the attention he deserves. As for finding time to be just me, well it's not happening either. I seem to be failing every which way I turn.
The little lad seems to be cutting his first tooth and he's been very clingy and in pain - which breaks my heart - but I still find it hard to be patient when he's whinging. I took him for a long walk (taking buckets of milk because my latest panic is about not having enough) and each job I tried to do fell apart - various places were closed, or didn't have what I needed etc and it was a really wasted couple of hours. By this time I was way behind with my chores and hadn't achieved anything by 3pm! I was really stressed by this time and just wanted to walk out the door. My hubby was home early and he did some jobs for me - and it was all really chaotic.
We had a big chat on Friday about this - the first time I've been able to tell him about how anxious I've become - and we agreed to talk about it lots more. The next day when we were out, I started to tell him more about my bizarre anxiety associated with turning right when I'm driving. As I started to talk I got a bit tearful (cos I know that it's really stupid to get in such a state over something so ridiculous) and his words were, "well don't upset yourself" and changed the subject. We've not mentioned anything since. He's being really good about helping me with practical jobs, which really helps, but to be honest I'd sooner that the house was a tip and he sat and listened to me. The thing is, I find it hard to say that to him. He likes things to be tidy and can't settle when they're not. He doesn't put pressure on me to do housework, but I feel dreadfully guilty if I don't get enough done.
I feel guilty about so many things - and this morning I tackled one of them. He doesn't need to get up particularly early and so our bathroom times can collide. I always hang back until he's had his shower, but this morning he simply didn't get out of bed despite being wide awake. I need to shower during EJ's morning nap and I knew he would wake soon. I was getting edgier and edgier (what a silly thing to get wound up about??) when it dawned on me that hubby has never asked me to wait, I have just assumed he needed to go in there first. So, I just grabbed my towel and hopped in. When I got out, he just smiled at me and finished his tea. This whole stressy situation has been created in my own mind and was never something that stemmed from him at all. I'm now going to try to just get in the shower when I need to rather than panicking about making him late. He's a grown man and can sort himself out!!
I've rambled lots and some of it seems so daft, but I've just got to shake off this sinking feeling.
xxx