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Post by ambrosine on Nov 14, 2006 10:05:13 GMT
[/img]I have to start somewhere , and as im in the throes of pni, I THOUGHT it would be better to start here. Well yesterday was a real crap day, and paranoia starts. The feelings of being in a conspiracy, or people out to get me...My councellor said im very depressed, but i dont have that dark dark, cloud on my head, that ive had before...i dont even feel depressed more like okay, so im not sure ... Maybe the depression is gliding underneath, and im just not aware of it, as im getting up every day, per normal, im not wanting to stay in, on the contrary im wanting to go out. I work freelance from home, so im with my thoughts all day, and that might be not a good idea. I get up early every morning about 6am, my bowels start *omg not a good start* and then so damn tired, i go back to sleep after a camomile tea till around 845 or 9am..thats because i dont have children. Talking about children , im so unhappy that we had a miscarrage. This was after ivf treatment, and i can tell you i was fine all the way through the treatment. I got pregnant, but was bleeding halfway through all the time, but the clinic pumped my body with progesterone. So much, i was taking. I found out yesterday that synthetic progesterone is infact a steroid...**** she said no wonder im doo lally after all that muck in me. I am trying to think to my brain EVERY DAY" its only the hormone drop..its only the damn hormones dropping, and no wonder im feeling mad...no wonder my brain is going all nuts on me, its like a hallucination really...imagine having had loads of drugs, and then PLOP you come off of them. This is also i believe for every woman, but some of us are more prone to it, i suppose, cos not all women go crazy. Im thinking this morning, that i will now, get these thoughts, and say to myself...THEY ARE STUPID, THEY ARE MAD THOUGHTS, THSES ARE JUST BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN HORMONES ARE ALL OVER THE RUDDY PLACE.. What else can i do or i will feel scared.. Anyway i have another councelling at 12.30, and then doctors later at 4.40 to chat to her about me, and fling my private health insurance form at her, ..thank goodness my hubby gets this on his work....well, ive paid so much money out for treatment its a nightmare.. oh well, im watching that cutting programme celebrity sissorhands now..i sky plus it.. just ordered the cosmic ordering service book by barbel mohr...lets hope i can order some good mental health ..
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Post by winegirl on Nov 14, 2006 10:57:06 GMT
Hi Ambrosine,
I hope you don't mind me posting in your diary. With everything you have been through and with all the hormones flying around your body it is no wonder you feel the way you do. I do hope your councelling goes well this afternoon. And if that cosmic ordering thing works, I need to know! Been looking into it myself and cant figure out whether or not it is a pile of pants!
Take care of yourself Winegirlx
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Post by ambrosine on Nov 14, 2006 11:06:43 GMT
ohh, ive only got throught the first 2 pages, but they said you can start ordering immediately. I got it from amazon, and it arrived on my doormat this morning: ive already ordered a porsche, a new house, my cats health to get better, my health to get better, peace for the world, a nice pair of jimmy choos..ha ha ha oh dear, i think my list is rather selfish, but i will tell you if i get it, ...oh, and a nice diamond necklace.. eek
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 15, 2006 8:03:59 GMT
Hi Ambrosine
Welcome to the diary section.
I am so sorry for your loss x
Hope the counselling and GP appointment went ok yesterday
Take care
KL X
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Post by ambrosine on Nov 16, 2006 21:35:19 GMT
:-[Not a good day today I went to the doctors yesterday, and explained how im feeling, and that im going for councelling, but she was busy typing on the computer, and doesnt really isten to me. So i left, still with the feelings im experiencing. Does anyone feel like they are sort of having obsessive images round their head, like i can see something now that really scares me on tv. Scary things, i read scary things, and it plays on my mind for ever. I see sort of things, not there, but in my mind and it scares me. I feel like things are around me, and im so freake dout, that i can trest and relax. First then the obessive thoughts, and strange weird things, come in my mind, and then i panic, and then the anxiety attack, so not the anxiety first... I felt really bad last time i was on progesterone. I came off it, and bang, i started to have the same problems.... Now again, progesterone support so much ...like i was taking it orally and analy to support the pregnancy, and i got the same symptoms...so this must be it....Ibut how can i get over this time... How can i beat this pni again?? When will these feelings disappear, when will i again be mentally well> I cant bare that i have no one around me that understands. My parents died in 2004, AND In an only child. I have no one really to talk to. My hubby says to me "what can i do?" and i cant really confide in anyone... This is my only release, my only help, you laides, who reply to my messages . I go to my councellor, but she is not a PNI expert, and all the talking therapy is about my past, not about NOW, my progesterone hell!! what do i do?? I am a state....im scared of being scared, im scared of these weird symptoms and feelings, im scared ... i read the ladies posts on these boards, and realise that im not the only one going through this weird stuff.....back to the camomile tea. So there i was this morning, and had to go to the bank early , as we were replacing the lead window on the dodgy front door. Anyhow i needed to pay the guy, so i drove to the bank, and the girl in the bank was talking and talking and talking, and i couldnt stand it i wanted to run away lol....it was raining so hard today, and i managed to then sit in the nail bar, as i was the only one and had my nails filled. I managed to get back in one piece, but felt all nervous for the rest of the day. I had a small nap at 2 pm for an hour as i keep getting up so early in the morning, and then in the evening just cried and cried , cos i feel upset about whats happened to me.. oh well, celebrity sissorhands calls.... thanks ladies for listening and reading, and answering me xx
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 17, 2006 8:13:57 GMT
Hi Ambrosine
Well done for getting out and doing the bank and having your nails done - even though you felt anxious it is a step in the right direction x
You've beat this before and I'm sure you will again - keep fighting honey.
We're all here to support you in whatever way we can - keep talking
KL x
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Post by winegirl on Nov 17, 2006 12:09:55 GMT
Hi Ambrosine
I know what you mean about wanting to run away from people when you are out. But the thing is you didn't and that is great! Even now I end up legging it from the local shop when it all gets too much!
If you are not happy with your gp can you request to see another one? My GP surgery has been terrible since I have been ill and have even admitted they do not know what is wrong with me but to go back in a couple of months if still not right. Thanks for your help! So I have just changed surgery this week and am going to make an appt to see one of their GP's the week after.
Hope Celebrity Scissorhands was good! Couldn't watch it as my OH huffed and puffed about what a pile of pants it was and so gave in and ended up watching some rubbish on the discovery channel.
Take care and speak soon.
Winegirl x
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Post by ambrosine on Nov 17, 2006 19:45:39 GMT
Im so tired,,,im so tired, the problem is i like my naps, and couldnt sleep this afternoon. I dont know, my anxiety was so bad i rang an anxiety care helpline, and bawled out to her about how i felt. She reassured me that i wasnt mad, that i seem to be suffering also from association. My obsessive thoughts that i had, i associate certain words and situations with the panic, an dthats why when i think of that word i panic.....and that she will put me in a telelphone group of people to talk to...so here i am tonite, friday nite, hubby home late, (cant speak to him as he doesnt understand. Managed to make dinner, and watching celebrity sissorhands Damn.... Only three weeks ago i was bloody okay, and then kaput!! I have to admit, before my miscarriage, i had been suffering some grief from my parents dying in 2004,yes both within 2 months of each other, but i really coped, and felt more positive about the world of babies. Now here i am, 2 cats , 1 tv, and a crochet blanket that i bought from ebay like old mother hubbard..... I hope i sleep tonite, blimey im that agitated.... i cry infront of my hubby but he doesnt understand... ambrosine xx ps. thank you for all your responses, they mean so much to me... Anyhow
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Post by ambrosine on Nov 18, 2006 18:36:46 GMT
wELL IS saturday, i dont know how i went to see a house today, as we are moving inthe Spring and i wanted to see where some places were. It was okay, as when im out i dont think of anything, and felt exhausted when i came home, and went for a nap.
Allelujah....however, i woke up and read someting, which made me thing again of the awful obsessive scary thoughts again, and bang, my mind now is fixated on that ..so ive gone and done some washing up, and sitting typing on the computer instead. I was told yesterday by my telephone line lady, that she says its called "association" the panic and feelings came, and when i read or relate something to that , it scares me and causes me to panic.
Does that sound plausible?
Anyhow, im trying so hard to get better,im working hard to do that....lets hope with this board, and you loverly ladies, that will be a possible, and that one day i will try again to get pregnant
ambrosine x oh by the way XFACTOR ON TONITE!!!
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tasha
Full member
Posts: 40
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Post by tasha on Nov 18, 2006 19:38:34 GMT
Hello, sorry to hear your going through a tough time, I also suffer from anxiety and hate it!! sometimes I just want to run but dont know where too! you sound positive today which is good. good luck for the furture and take care. tasha xxx
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 19, 2006 8:17:59 GMT
Hi Ambrosine
I hope today is a good day for you and keep up the positive attitude.
X-factor - fab telly!!!
Take care KL x
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Post by ambrosine on Nov 23, 2006 22:12:03 GMT
hello girls, and pni peeps.. i know i didnt post for few days, was offline, and couldnt log on. Well weird things and good things. All of a sudden i was sitting watching coronation street, and an image of my hubby doing something went back and forth in my mind like a stuck record.. i panicked, but then calmed myself down, knowing that ths is just another damn symptom of PNI...this is what im atelling myself at the moment to try and calm down. ~For instance this morning, i didnt feel part of myself..you know,,,not aware of myself...like maybe i dont exist type feeling. tasha do you get this symptom?
Anxiety based i suppose...but why do we suffer this?
I was in my councellor on Tuesday, and i was angry. I said to her...im angry,,,angry that i have to go through this a second time..after a miscarriage, angry that people dont really relate PNI after a miscarriage so readily...angry that PNI IS A HORMONAL problem, and that it makes us do these and think these weird things...and ANGRY...that i have to possibly go through this again, after i try for another baby.. Im also upset...and cry so much cos its not fair that these symptoms of a sort of madness, are just from having these hormones running around me.
Im not MAD.....and these ladies on this board are NOT MAD..but we have an illness that is so mis understood by the so called "NORMAL" ladies that have babies, and then are fine and happy after them.... I dont know anyone, near me, or anyone i know that has suffered from PNI....ONLY you wonderful strong ladies on this board, who have gone through this disgusting and horrible process.
However when i get the symptoms, of obsessive thoughts, weird thinking, early mornings, anxiety , panic attacks, you name it, i say to myself "DAMN THIS PNI" DAMN THE IDIOTS WHO DONT BELIEVE IN IT, AND DAMN MR TOM CRUISE for being such an £$R££..ha haha
IM A PNI SUFFERER GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by bam02 on Nov 23, 2006 22:20:15 GMT
I have been for at least 3 years /daughter 4? my oldest is nearly 12 on Sunday and i wasn't happy after him??? I have been told now maybe i have manic depression(but mild if possible) and i am on mood stabiisers and anti depressants. BUT I did have PNI . Its amazing how things can change or circumtstances not be the 'normal' range but still be very real. My friend had a still born baby when my son (now nearly 12 was born). But she helped me? ?!!!!!!!! I thinked it helped her too. Nearly 12 years on she must feel the anniversary of her daughter's life and my son has grown up - but she is still my friend and i am please to acknowlegde her as having 3 chilren now - even though only two here now?! A-M
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Post by cheshire on Nov 26, 2006 19:08:58 GMT
Hi Ambrosine
I just wanted to say - I definitely agree with you about Mr. Cruise!
How has your weekend been?
Take care Hopefulx
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Post by ambrosine on Nov 26, 2006 20:30:19 GMT
Hello , thanks for replying to my diary entry, hopeful, and A&M..
What is it about HUSBANDS or partners. Men in general::: i will talk about that in a minute....
3 yrs ago i had a terrible miscarriage, and i had to have a d&c. This resulted 3 weeks later with terrible PNI..it took me a 2 yrs to start trying again for a baby, and when i couldnt get pregnant, i opted for ivf. But since the first bout of pni, i havent been the same since. i mean NEVER THE SAME::
Firstly, i hate noise. I can hear a pin drop, not good when you live in the middle of 2 noisy neighbours and i have a large terraced house, but i cant sleep in the rooms cos they are attached to the two walls fo the neighbours and they are loud. It drives me nuts... Secondly, i have become an emotional wreck. I cry at everything and anything upsetting. My sex drive changed, i literally changed as a person...
When my parents died a few years ago, that also was tragic, but not the same as this pni... So what is this pni doing to women.? RAtional human beings, , who end up like nervous wrecks, feeling mentally ill, thinking we are going mad, with horrible thoughts, obsessive wierd stuff, depression, anxiety, infact ....we have changed overnight.
I remember 4 weeks ago , just getting out of bed, and this huge surge of panic went across me after i thought that i was in a conspiracy. I literally thought i was going mad. Thoughts were racing through my brain, and i couldtn stop them. I literally thought this is it, they will put me in hospital and i will never get out.
I literally got in my car and rushed to the doctor Luckily her onsite councellor was there, i was crying my eyes out, couldnt stop and she just said to me..your not going mad its your hormones,,,,,,,,
So,...here is the deal: why after pregnancy, still birth, miscarraige,/terminations do women get this.
Well conclusion: PROGESTERONE withdrawal. This hormone, which i wrote before , i believe is the main culprit in PNI. However i totally disagree with using it to try and help post natal illness, as when you come off of it, you get exactly the same symptoms again. Ive proved this by being prescribed cyclogest and the other tablet progesterone. I was great on it, but got all these pni symptoms after i withdrew from it.
Oh my goodness: scared of corners, scared of doors, landings, feeling i was being chased, panic attacks obessive thoughts, werid scary thoughts, you name it I GOT IT!!!
And now as im going through this crap again, it amazes me why doctors/scientists have not linked this to the cause and effect of PNI.
As i write this today Sunday evening, im going through the "weird scary thoughts " again, and writing this diary, helps me take my mind off them i suppose.
I just read a letter on the board, and the thoughts that go through our heads are reeeel scary.
Well today, i was okay , just this evening, when i was watching the news, it came back again.
Ive read others who cant watch the news, and that is what scares me ....
hmm...
OKAY now for the fun bit:
X FACTOR: ETON ROAD LEFT ..thank goodness they were so out of tune..
IM A CELEBRITY: I HOPE THAT news reader woman LEAVES TONITE..OR TOMORROW, YUCK..
CORONATION STREET::::: WELL OF COURSE JAMIE GOT BEATEN UP....HE WAS HAVING IT AWAY WITH HIS MOMMMMMM!!!
um.... NEIGHBOURS: boy i love that show, 2o yrs ive been watching that...ha ha ha
I LOVE THE NEW FERRERO ROCHER ADVERT...i love the cilla black record on it....
oh well, thats enough rambling, ill put more here tomorrow, ......
lots of hugs to you all ladies xxxxxxxxx**********
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