Louise's Diary - New Mum with PMI

[louise0212]

I came across this website yesterday and I was so releaved to know I am not alone with this awful PMI.
My little boy is12 wks old and until a couple of weeks ago I was coping, started to feel run down (sore throat, headaches, etc etc etc) and this obsession started that these symptoms were that of some terminal illness or disease. I made an appt yesterday to see my GP but this morning I had a very bad anxiety attack so I got an emergency appt this afternoon. Dr checked me out, said all was ok just had a bit of a temperature but he would run some routine blood tests to check. I feel sick at the thought of what they will come back with, how will I get through the next few days until I know.
I am staying at my mums for a while as I am feeling that I am losing interest in my baby, (my partner works away) I love him dearly but do not want to be with him.
I have this feeling of dread inside me constantly and can't seem to shake it.
My phone has just rang, one of my closest friends but I couldn't answer it as I knew I would start crying straight away.
Does anyone else feel like this??

Louise xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Lousie

I have already posted in your other thread and hope you don't mind me crashing your diary, just wanted to pop in and say that I can relate to so much of what you are saying and to say you are not alone, so please keep posting when you need to as there is always someone aroundto offer support.
I am sure the blood tests will come back fine. I have had three lots and all have been fine tho I often thought I wish they had picked something up on them so that I could be given some magical pill to cure all this illness!
It is good you have your mum's support and I am sure that will be a big help.
Take Care

Winegirl x

[louise0212]

Hi WineGirl

Thank you so much for replying, it is so good to no I am not alone with this awful illness.
I have been distancing myself from those closest to me so I called one of my closest friends tonight and she has been round, just talking things through with her made me realise I am not going crazy, she told me hormones are funny things and do funny things to our emotions etc.

Just want to say thanks for your support

Louise xxx

[Veritee]

'The feeling of dread'

This is horrible and something I had al the time for nearly 2 years !!

I would go to bed with it and wake up with it . I know we have spoken about this 'dread' feeling before on the forum, but I do not know where the posts are , I will try to find them in the morning.
I also share with you the feeling that I was disinterested in my baby.

I got to the point that despite loving her dearly I could not bare to be in the same room as her - yet I had to as I had to care for her.

My husband works away too - he is a merchant seaman away at sa for amy weeks or months at a time - and I had no relative to help me and that was hell so I am really pleased that you have your mum - she sounds great as when you feel like this it really does help to have someone to stay with to take the pressure off .

In my case i did not have parents that could help, but for a short period my friend let me stay with her that helped .

Anyway I am off to bed now but i hope the diary - and the forum - is helpful
sleep tight

VeriteeXX

[louise0212]

Started the day with a bad anxiety attack (couldn't decide which illness I had but I was convinced I had it) Had the hot/cold sweats thinking about ''what if ''.

I got my dreaded period yesterday so I'm not sure if I have been feeling worse leading up to that, also the Dr has put me on the mini pill which I know can effect some people with depression, so I have now changed to the normal pill which might affect me differently.

Decided to do all the housework from top to bottom which took my mind of things for a while. Had a few anxiety twinges through the day but so far havn't cried. I have told all my closest friends and they have been really supportive and understanding.

Just had some me time, had a lovely hot bubble bath
and my partner is making my favourite tea, doesn't get rid of the continuous knot in my stomach but it's nice to know he cares.

Louise xxx

[louise0212]

Seemed to have an ok day yesterday but today is worse than ever. Trying to keep myself busy, really missing my parter, he works away and isn't back until 23rd Dec.

Seeing my health visitor tomorrow, called her hysterically on Friday telling her how bad I felt. I am lucky because she is such a lovely person so I'm hoping by talking to her I might feel a bit better.

I just feel like someone else is inside my body controlling my every thought, emotion and feeling. I just want to be the person I was, I am now starting to resent my baby boy and that scares me more than anything.
I was always told I couldn't have children so I built my life around that fact, you can imagine my suprise when I was pregnant. It was a total shock, didn't know what to do. I panicked that much I arranged to have an abortion then the day before something made me decide not to.

I love my baby dearly but hate the way this illness is making me feel. I have been at my mums recently while partner is away and part of me feels I am here so I don't have to spend as much time with the baby. There have been times when I can't even look at him, when he cries or is hungary etc my moherly instict automatically kicks in and I'm there for him but at times I don't want to be in the same room.

Sorry for going on and it justs seems to make sense if I write it all down.

Thanks for all your ongoing support

Louise xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Louise

Don't feel guilty about spending less time with your baby whilst at your mothers. If it helps you to feel better whilst being away from him at times then that is not a bad thing. He will know that you are his mum and that you love him regardless, and you won't feel this way forever.

When do you get your blood results back? I am sure they will be clear and then you will be able to discuss a plan of action with your GP. Don't do what I did the first 6 visits to the GP and get fobbed off. I had to change DR's in the end to be taken seriously and wish I had stamped my feet sooner!

Am here if you need to talk

Winegirl x

[louise0212]

Hi Winegirl

Thanks for the advice, I should get the results back by Thursday, got an appt on Friday, not my usual Dr but I have seen him before and he is understanding. Not really one for tablets but I feel I need something to get me through this.
Had a massive anxiety attack this evening, my little boy has been poorly with sickness and diarrhea, sickness started last Sunday but he was ok by Tuesday, however he is still not on his normal feeds (only taking approx half) of what he used to, each time he has a feed he seems to pass it through the other end, its not diarrhea as such but I couldn't help panicking. Called NHS Direct who referred me to my Dr, they didn't seem worried as he was getting plenty of fluids. But I couldn't stop the anxiety attack from happening.

[winegirl]

I too suffer with the anxiety and panic attacks. Oddly I seem to get them when there is nothing to be paniced about! I have been prescribed diazepam (a form of valium) and just take half a tablet as and when I really need to and it seems to take the edge off it. Perhaps you can see if your gp can give you something for it on Friday? I hate taking tablets for various reasons but when I finally gave in and took the diazepam found that it did help quite a bit. x

[cheshire]

Hi Louise and Winegirl,

I had severe anxiety and panic attacks too - and need to still be careful about managing things if I do feel the anxiety surfacing - although I'm back at work etc., so it does not rule my life anymore.

Just wanted to add - that exactly like winegirl, I was loathe to take any medication, but during my recovery gave diazepam a try and it really helped. I carry it around with me - and find this helps.

But I think I know what you mean when you say that they 'come out of the blue' - my psychotherapist said that there may be a subconscious trigger in certain situations? And told me to stop analysing - easier said than done!!

Sorry to interrupt your diaryx Hope you don't mindx

Love and thoughts
Hopeful

[sianyc]

I avoided a lot of my friends too - silly really when it was then that I needed them and now I have to explain that I did cut them off but it was for a reason.

I hope you can try to keep in touch with one or two. It does help to talk things through or even to talk about ANYTHING else to help feel like a 'normal' person again x

[winegirl]

Hi Louise

Just posting to see how you are feeling today? A bit better I hope?

Winegirl x

[louise0212]

Hi All

Seemed to have a good day yesterday, got a phone call from work to see how I was and what I wanted to do when I went back. They are going to arrange for me to work half the time at home and the rest of the time on the office. It really picked me up so yesterday was all in all a good day, definately not myself but better than I had been.

Thought it was too good to be true..... today I just feel as low as I have ever been, can't even be bothered to talk to people. Will get my blood test results on Friday and I am so anxious something will come back.
Just back from the baby clinic, had little boy weighed he is 15lb 1 oz and is 12 weeks. I kept looking at all the other mums and they seemed so happy.
Was quite relectant to take any meds however when I see Dr on Friday and will definately be asking for something to get me through this living hell.

Just want to say thank you to you all for your ongoing reassurance and kind words.

Louise xxx

[yoyo]

Hi Louise

Glad you had a bit of abrighter spell - the ups and downs of this illness are just so cruel aren't they?! Try to hang on to the good feelings as much as you can as these can help you get through the bad patches - you will get better and better but it's a case of time x x x Keep talking and let us know how you go on at the docs x

[winegirl]

Hi Louise

Just thought I would post to see how you got on at the dr's? How were the blood results? If you get chance let us know - thinking of you

Winegirl x