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Post by claire99991 on Feb 18, 2007 12:39:12 GMT
Well this was my partners idea to write everything down and keep a diary he thinks when im having a bad day i can look back and see that i got thru it and it might help me to get thru other hard days. Its sunday so im quite calm today hollie is playing in the front room with her dad he has changed her and fed her i dont know why i dont want to do these things for her i only ever interact with her if i have to, when they were going into the living room he said 'say bye mummy' and hollie waved i didnt even turn round... It was my descion to have her i shouldnt be so cruel im not a very good mum ive never been a baby person when i was pregnant a neighbour had her baby and brought her round putting her in my arms everyone was like aww so cute i just thought o..........k wonder if thats why im like i am with my daughter... Monday again tomorow phil at work hate being in all day with her its boring that sounds awful but it is. At the hospital in the morning for blood test for my dvt, phil is taking me at least my hell will start at 10am rather than 8am.
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Post by bam02 on Feb 18, 2007 17:19:08 GMT
I find weedays hard ! Hope you don't mind me writing here. But My youngest is four and I would gladly let her whatch t.v ! Then I lie down - which is bad parentling !
I did go thourh times I was OK - but just lately I really suffered again with depression with trying to give up drinking I think. !!!
Its aweful going through the motions sometimes.
Sorry this is turning into my outpourings- if you want me to move it I will.
A-M
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Post by claire99991 on Feb 18, 2007 19:19:59 GMT
No its absolutly fine there, nice to know i aint the only one xxx
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Post by bam02 on Feb 18, 2007 19:25:47 GMT
Thanx . No your not and the younger they are the harder it can be! The image on T.V of wonderful clean houses, cooing babies and well dressed mum's is so soul drestroying and so stepford wife!!!
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Post by claire99991 on Feb 20, 2007 11:16:31 GMT
well its tuesday im feeling half and half today i have my sister staying with me this week she is looking after hollie for me so i dont feel stressed with her and at least phil can go to work without worrying he will be called home. Still feel worried about the dvt just wish it would go away. Not doing much today going to take hollie to the park walking makes my legs feel better. Phil wont be finished till late tonight. Have another hospital appointment for tomorow for blood test hope it goes ok and my inr levels get a bit better. Well best go get dressed for the park although i really carnt be bothered to leave the house im going to have to.
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Post by claire99991 on Feb 23, 2007 10:13:51 GMT
Well its friday rubbish week i just got back from hospital (another blood test) the nurse has put me in a bad mood for the day now. She didnt do anything spacific just pissed me off said i had crap veins and then stuck the needle in my arm so hard! I also told her my leg was swelling up even more and she snapped 'it will it takes time'. Yesterday i was fuming i started cleaning the house and turning the furniture round in the living room (i do this often because im in the house so much i get bored) phil my partenr was of work but decided he couldnt be arsed to clean so i would be doing it on my owne he also decided he couldnt be bothered to keep clean what i had already done. Why do men do this why carnt they just clean up after themselves! I was so exhausted half way through it all but had to carry on all i ever want to do is go to bed and sleep switch of from it all...he knows how tierd i am all he needs to do is clean up after himself if im forced to stay in this house all the time i would at tleast like it to be clean. I wish i could go to work every day like i used to. I used to hate it thought if i had a baby i would love it carnt beleive how wrong i was Tempted to go back to bed.......
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Post by cheshire on Feb 23, 2007 17:17:20 GMT
Hi Claire Thinking of you - it does get better I promise. As for men and domestic chores - I'd better not get onto that subject.... Hopefulx
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Post by claire99991 on Feb 25, 2007 23:55:58 GMT
Well its sunday night nealry midnight, feeling a bit panicky about this week as i have hollie a lot on my owne this week and i panic about it. Her dad will be home at 1 tomorow afternoon as i have hospital appointment so thats not to bad and phils mum has offered to have her tuesday. Feel guilty for palming her of all the time she must be so confused had my sister staying the past week she went home today and i havent hardly seen hollie this week she has been looked after by my sister all week i had a cuddle with her last night and she snuggled into my chest then her dad tried to take her for a cuddle and she wouldnt go to him or anyone this makes me feel so guilty she looked at me as if to say why dont you want me mum its heartbreaking. All she has done today is wave at me she must think im buggering of and leaving her again poor little thing deserves a good mum not a crap one! I feel guilty when she is asleep like now but i just carnt deal with it when she is awake. Not tierd so another sleepless night didnt go till gone 4am last night i hate not being able to sleep it drags the day on so much im not even tierd i dont get it.
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Post by claire99991 on Feb 26, 2007 23:09:18 GMT
Feel really strange tonight...frightned its not the same as what i usually get (panicky anxious about health etc) i feel like someone is watching me keep getting shivers down my spine and looking behind me. Its awful I think ill have to sleep with the lights on tonight..i know im safe my parter is just in the other room its silly carnt explain it just feel strange
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Post by helenr on Feb 26, 2007 23:17:09 GMT
Hi hun,
you'renot a crap mum, your Hollies mum and the best one you can be!
Did you manage to get much sleep last night?
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Post by claire99991 on Feb 27, 2007 14:18:37 GMT
In a bad mood today...lied awake till gone 3am then went into this lovely deep sleep where i could have stayed all day hollies decides that she wants to get up at 6am this isnt like her and typical because i was in such a deep sleep which i really need she wont nap and is just whinging all day she has also just pulled my lunch of my knee onto the floor so there goes that (dog ate it now) at this moment she is pulling on my tshirt scratching my arms and whinging trying to get attention. 4 hrs to go till phil gets home
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Post by claire99991 on Mar 1, 2007 0:24:33 GMT
Well its nearly 12.30 wednesday night i woke today with the most horrible chest pains and panicky i was very aware of my heartbeat it was really scary i had a dream about my mum last night who died ast year i think thats why i woke up panicky it didnt go of till late this afternoon and hollie cried all day then when her dad comes in at 7 she is cheerful and it looks like im lieing!. His mum has offered to have her tomorow well i asked her actually but same thing she said yeah. Im gonna put my music on very loud and have a cleanng day and get stuck into it im looking forward to it actually (weather it gets done or not is another thing but the intention is there which is a good start) i carnt sleep not even tierd will go and watch coronation street what i taped earlier on my skyplus lol. Im also going to see my family this weekend up in the north east. Going friday lunch time so that will be good. Car booked in garage tomorow broken again which is annoying only had it since november another 300 quid needs spending on it
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Post by claire99991 on Mar 4, 2007 18:21:45 GMT
Sunday tea time - had some really scary thoughts yesterday was in my owne little world all day and kept daydreaming and having images flash in my head of horrible things one of those was that my baby was stuck in the car and it was about to blow up there were lots of people there but no one would help me get her out i could see her through the window crying and looking at me and i was trying to force the door to get her out but it was stuck. Also another one was of her funeral and little white coffin. It was horrible and made me cry i dont know why these images popped into my head im scardd they will happen i havent taken her in the car since. Ive been kepping busy today cleaaning trying to not sit down to relax because i might start thinking things again.
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Post by sianyc on Mar 4, 2007 19:39:58 GMT
I used to have the 'death' thoughts a lot. They have eased of a lot now but I still worry about something awful like that happening - I'm sure a lot of it is normal maternal paranoia
Your interaction with Hollie will get better as you recover from PNI. I'm still on meds for this illness and know I'm not receovered yet. BUT I think I have turned the corner and can see how much better I feel about being around the girls. I no longer dread spending the day with them and don't count the hours until Gary gets home - unless they're being evil or I've got PMT!
You are a good mummy to Hollie and will be even better when your illness gets better
Keep on fighting x
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Post by claire99991 on Mar 5, 2007 13:19:12 GMT
Didnt sleep at all last night was just wide awake wasnt even tierd my brain wouldnt switch of i dont know if i even fell asleep if i did it wasnt for more than 1 hour or so. Rang dentists because ive had horrible toothache all weekend going tomorow. Hate dentist as do many people scared i will have a panic attack while im there while there right over me in my face anyway sure its not going to take that long and will be ok will think happy thoughts lol. Hollie happy watchning big cook little cook in the front room whoever invented that programme is a genius will take her to the park later in the afternoon when her dad gets in from work then we can all go together. Feeling ok considering didnt sleep and have toothache.
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