My Unwinding space

[Jay]

Was on my own at work today. Only 3 customers.

Feel shattered today, always do after a day like yesterday.
Did sleep better, but it might have been with the help of sharing a bottle of wine with OH.

Feel so tired I can hardly move now, but thats what its like after 2 days at work.

Am worried with thoughts of the treatment in 6 months time. Wish it was now!

[Jay]

I shall be glad when this week is gone.

Yesterday seemed ok to start with, then just went down hill.
Or rather I went down hill.

I wish I could stop this panic atk stuff, it is wearing me down, and I am having to give in an take diazepam. Don't mind taking the odd one, but not taking them night and morning. It makes me feel a failure.

I was awful last night and went online really late, and bombarded poor Claire with all my problems. I feel ashamed to have done that to her, especially in the middle of the night.

Have stuck a hair colour on today to get rid of all this grey that has taken over. need a new face really and definately a new body! A much smaller one

[Jay]

It is bed time I feel like hell, I need to sleep.
Don't know what to do if I cant sleep.
This time of night is always so awful.

[karen1977]

Hi Suzi,

I have been stalking you on the site (not really, just finding out what you have been up to).. and I love that you have this unwinding space here. I havent been posting stuff for a while and my own space that Veritee gave me made me feel crap as I posted on it and no one replied!! (get over it eh, poor me is too much these days

Anyway, anytime you feel like a chat feel free to PM me or stick it on your thread here (havent worked out how to bookmark stuff though to find it easy...any thoughts?)

you take care hon, dont let the night time get to you, things are soo much worse at night it is untrue, and you need to be kind to yourself (great the way we can dose out the advice and ignore it ourselves, eh?...mothers what, drive you mad!)

ignore me, am a bit all over the shop tonight, have been feeling very high and lucid so I am rambling a bit and making even less sense than usual

Karen xx

[Jay]

Thank you Karen,

I am still lost about things on the site. I had to post a lot of people the other week to apologise as I had got them all mixed up. I even called someone by another name.
I shall put it down to old age!!!

I only found the bit where people write there birth stories the other day, and that is where I found you. and like you did, I went on a hunt to find out about you. but luckily you posted a new thread the same day. so it was easy for me.

Now you will have to find all my answers as I seemed to have posted to you all over the place today.

S xx

[Jay]

well decided to cut down my ant's to see if the palpitaions are a result of the high dose, or if it is panic atks/bad dreams which is waking me up. So dose down to 150mg from sat 24th.

was a bit tearful yesterday [and today already!] Woke up at 3am, was not happy about that, and was very restless yesterday evening. Otherwise not too bad.

Period started again!!! Woke up with it yesterday.
VV heavy today, thought they had gone for ever.
Read a booklet about menopause last night, a lot of menopause symptoms are the same as PNI??
That makes me feel even more mixed up.
6 months clear then starts up again???

[karen1977]

I am having palpitations too with my meds although my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) reckons they are probably stress realated and not the pills, not sure if I buy that though as I have the palps when I am all relaxed and doing nothing usually (like watching telly...not a very stressful activity) but whatever.

Have you tried any meditation/relaxation techniques with reducing your meds dose? anything is worth a go to feel a bit more in control.

Hope your day goes ok,

Karen x

[Veritee]

I just want to pinch your diary for a minute Suzi!!

Dear Karen - I am sorry if we missed replying ion your thread. Like Suzi said the forum is confusing sometimes and I started it but if I miss a day on here threads are bumped down the list by new threads and replies on others so it is easy to miss out threads altogether if you have a days break.

But you are welcome to write a line on your thread anytime which will bump it up to the top and I am sure we will respond then.

Dear Suzi

About the menopause - some say it can be like PNI , I can only give you my experience .

I did find that as I was in the run down to my periods stopping I had very heavy and often painful periods and sometimes lengthy gaps between them or I would have them for weeks.

And you are right I did again have some symptoms that were very PNI like, except with the menopause they only happened a few days to a week before a period and with the menopause the PNI symptoms I had before were only mild but I did have what can only be described as 'rages' that would last a couple of days or so before my period came on!

I was really difficult to live with as I really did 'rage' So what I experienced with PNI was similar but not exactly like PNI.

I guess it makes sense if PNI has at least in part a hormonal cause. Not everyone ( perinatal experts) think it does but I certainly do!!

Because each and everyone of my mental health 'episodes' except the effects of my accident, started and continued during big hormonal changes. My episodes of poor mental health are so clearly linked to hormonal changed that I can document it

• My phobic anxiety that I was admitted to hospital for started at 13 with my periods
  
• 
  My next 'bout' of being unable to function as well as I wanted to, for which I had intensive therapy in my early 20s at a place called the Henderson, started when I became pregnant. I had to have a termination - for many reasons as I think I have told you but I also would not have been 'allowed' to have this therapy had I continued the pregnancy - and i then experienced symptoms after the termination that i later realized were the same as PNI.
  
• I was then absolutely fine from abut 1975 to 1989 when I had Caja.
  
  by the time I had caja I had forgotten that I had ever had any 'real' issues like this and in my mind put the difficulties I had had when fairly young down to youth usual teenage problems - but it was much more than this.
  i.e between 1975 and 1989 I trained and qualified as a youth worker and teacher and worked in very stressful environments with young people who had behavior and issues very like my own had been
  
• Then I was OK again until my menopause - When I had PNi type symptoms - but only for a short while and I will say that I coped OK and continued to function until my accident in 2003

the only exception to my mental state of being connected to hormones is how I have been since my accident. I did suffer PTSD but how I am is very different from the other times and I feel that with this the cause is very specific.

Anyway in case it reassures you, the mental effects of menopause were actually for me relatively mild and short lived - especially once my periods stopped as then the only problems were physical i.e hot flushes, mainly.

I found HRT helped during the run down to full menopause but after my periods had stopped for about 6 months I did not find it did much and was worried about breast cancer etc

So I balanced the risk of breast cancer with the risk of osteoporosis and decided to come off the HRT - I did not regret this but HRT did tide me over.


If you have had a hormone level test that says you are now in the menopause or leading up to it you could inquire about HRT as you can take this with Anti Depressants and other medication and I found it helped to even out the hormones while I was going through initial menopause

Sorry this is all nothing but my own experience but I know very little about menopause except how it was for me . I seemed to have had it worse than many of my friends of this age as many just had their periods just stop one day with no ill effects - this was not so for me but then they did not have PNI either

I have always reacted badly to hormone changes and I think this is just how I am made

All the best

veritee

[Jay]

I am trying to write the story of my trauma today, I feel I need to do it.

I have promised to write it, as some friends on here think it might help me. I have put it in 'word' at the moment to cut and paste when finished.

But I am only half way through and I am shaking like a leaf, crying and throwing up. And my heart is going soooo fast

I am going to finish it, Iwant to finish it --but bear with me.

I suppose the treatment for my PTSD will help to sort out how I feel about all this. The psychologist said the treatment will not be very nice. Why did I not ask her then what she meant by this, it frightens me what it is going to be like. It belongs to the CBT department? Wonder what that means! She says it can't be any worse than what I am going through now.

[Jay]

I am really upset today.
And don't really want to be here at all, wish I could hide or runaway from the world.
It all seems difficult, and to hard to cope with.

Should not have tried to do what I did yesterday, cant write down in detail what they did to me.
But I cant get over it, and it has been such a long time and something died in me on that day
THEY HELD ME DOWN AND DID A MANUAL REMOVAL OF AFTERBIRTH WITH NO ANAESTHETIC ON THE WARD, WITH ME BEGGING THEM TO STOP HURTING ME, THE DAY AFTER I HAD MY DAUGHTER
I relive this, and feel this being done over and over
I dread living with this, and I dread trying to sort this out.
But I will have to have this treatment later in the year to try to get it out of me or what ever it is they are going to do.

[karen1977]

Hi Suzi,

That is awful what you were put through and I hope you find the strength to get over it and live through it rather than with it. You sound like you are still so angry about it, and rightly so, it was a violation and they should have explained the procedure to you and gotten your consent for what was going to be done. I hope you can find a way through this, you have support here, please remember we are all rooting for you xx

[karen1977]

just a quick note to Veritee, thanks for your reply, it is not a problem at all, was having a moany day on Sunday. this website has been such a huge support to me and I would not have coped without it, so thank you and dont mind me..its the moan in me that likes to get out sometimes that was here on sunday

[karen1977]

Just checking in Suzi, hope today is going ok for you?

Karen x

[Jay]

Hi Karen,

I feel a lot better now. I just had a little slide down the ladder for a few days.
I did not even have to make an effort to go to work, as i was on holiday. But It only made me worse, and I sort of gave up a bit for a few days. And whats awful is I did not even get up enough go, to wash or even clean my teeth. I have not been like that for a long time.
I think a lot of the trouble was my damn birthday. Now its gone and forgotten I can move on.

thank you so much for caring about me.

How are you getiing on??

Suzi xx

[cheshire]

Hi Suzi

Have been following your diary.

Hope this weekend is a bit better for you

Love, HopefulX